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Original poster

DP doesn’t want to get married

114 replies

Queenofhearts2 · 26/09/2021 23:10

We have a child together, we have a mortgage together and we are technically engaged, although he never properly proposed to me, just gave me the ring in the kitchen…very romantic Confused he’s (by his own admission) not romantic at all and doesn’t like weddings, fuss, any sort of celebration or attention on him.
He told me today he doesn’t think he wants to get married and doesn’t see the point. I must admit I feel quite gutted and when I said I’d like all three of us to have the same surname, he said I could change it by deed poll if I wanted to Sad

Am I right to feel sad about this?

OP posts:
myheartskippedabeat · 26/09/2021 23:14

I guess everyone is different op

I'm not married to my partner, we have a house together and a rental place, 2 kids and pets not married tho

Having the same surname is so far down my list of priorities but I have a friend who only married the man she's been with for about 15 years because of this reason which I thought was strange like this was the end of her world!!!

It doesn't actually change anything whatsoever in the same way spending hundreds of pounds on a wedding wouldn't change it either

I'm not sure why people get hung up about it but if it bothers you maybe ask him if he's go off with you just the 2 of you and have a very private little wedding

1smallhamsterfoot · 26/09/2021 23:14

You’ve given all your bargaining chips awAy. Does he realise it puts you in a shit position legally? He doesn’t see you as forever.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2021 23:14

Of course you are but you won’t change his mind so I’d work out if it’s a deal breaker and if so what that means for you.

Was the ring in the kitchen before or after you had your child? Why do they have his last name?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/09/2021 23:16

I knew before opening the thread you would already have a child with his surname. Why?

Yo engagement was not what you wanted. How does he tread you otherwise? Does he take you out? Does he plan things? Is he an equal parent?

Also, do you work? Have you sacrificed your career / pension at all?

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 26/09/2021 23:19

He told me today he doesn’t think he wants to get married and doesn’t see the point.

Marriage offers lots of legal protection to the lower earning spouse. You have a mortgage together - are you both on the deeds? Who inherits the other's property should the worst happen? Did you take maternity leave for your joint child, taking a hit to your personal finances? Who is named beneficiary for pensions?

This is, of course, quite aside from considerations such as, "My partner wants to get married and I love her so even though I am not bothered I'll do it anyway."

For how long has he allowed you to believes that he does want to get married? If he "doesn’t like weddings, fuss, any sort of celebration or attention on him" then you can just book in at the local registry office and get two members of the public off the street to be your witnesses. Job done.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/09/2021 23:40

You don’t have the same surname as you child?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 27/09/2021 00:08

What do YOU want?

Chloemol · 27/09/2021 00:37

He may not see the point of getting married, but that will be because he will be better off if you split

As to name change, no issues tell him you are changing your child’s surname to yours by deed poll

I guess it depends how important it is to you. It would be to me, but if it’s because he doesn’t like the attention etc, then could you compromise by a register Office wedding with two witnesses. Then perhaps a party afterwards?

SummerWhisper · 27/09/2021 00:51

Change your child's surname to yours by deed poll. He clearly won't mind...

whoknew23 · 27/09/2021 00:53

I knew this would happen to me if I let it. My DH didn't fancy getting married so I told him no wedding no children and he changed his tune ASAP and then said he wished we'd gotten married sooner 🤦‍♀️

It was just a basic wedding as cheap as we could make it , registry office and then local pub.

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/09/2021 01:03

I said I’d like all three of us to have the same surname, he said I could change it by deed poll if I wanted to

I know this doesn't help now, but he might have been a bit more motivated if your child had your surname...

TedMullins · 27/09/2021 01:21

Marriage is nothing to do with romance or surnames - it’s not a legal requirement to change your name upon marriage. It’s about legal protections. If you own the house jointly then you’ll be entitled to your share if you split but you won’t have the default 50/50 assumption of it being a marital asset, you won’t be next of kin and you won’t get the tax breaks.

Personally I don’t want to get married to anyone, ever, BECAUSE I don’t don’t want enmesh assets to such a degree and he’s entitled to feel that way too - did he make that clear when you met? If his reason for not wanting to marry is he doesn’t want a wedding that’s pathetic, a wedding ceremony/big flash party is not compulsory.

Frankly he’s right, if surnames are the only reason you want to marry you might as well change it by deed poll, if it’s the legal position you want though then you need to make that clear to him.

VeryBerry22 · 27/09/2021 01:55

If he doesn’t think it’s that big a deal then he won’t mind doing it, will he?

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2021 02:05

Fill out the forms to change dcs name and ask him to sign here without going into what’s in them.
If he reads it and kicks off, ‘you said we could get names changed instead. I’m not married, because my partner lied to me about wanting to marry me, and so my child should have my name.’

Flittingaboutagain · 27/09/2021 02:18

I wasn't bothered about getting married but once we had a child together and started talking about buying a house I explained I had changed my mind and how would my partner feel about a small wedding. We are about to marry in a registry office with two witnesses then go for pub lunch, before we buy the house. We're having a more typical party with family and a handful of friends a few weeks later, after the house purchase. I wouldn't have been fussed about this bit but he suggested it as it's the ceremony he's reluctant to feel all eyes on us for.

Even if he's not that bothered he could do it for you. I'm assuming he is either uninformed of why it is sensible to offer you legal protection or knows this and wants to deprive you of assets should you split.

Guineapigbridge · 27/09/2021 02:44

You lost the poker game. He's tricked you and now you have almost no bargaining power. Your last bargaining chip is only your emotional labour. So tell him you're moving out and withdrawing your emotional and physical labour. Not interested in washing his pants or raising his children or listening to his shit if he can't commit to you.

MintJulia · 27/09/2021 02:54

Never mind being sad. He's just told you he doesn't care enough about you or your child to offer basic protections. You should be furious.

You need to maintain (or commit more) to your career. Work full time to ensure you always earn enough to support your child without his help. Never ever trust or rely on him. And if you ever want a properly committed loving relationship, you should start making plans to leave.

Nancydrawn · 27/09/2021 02:55

He's broken off your engagement and changed the terms of your relationship without really asking you about it.

No, you're not unreasonable to be upset.

QueenBee52 · 27/09/2021 03:41

@SummerWhisper

Change your child's surname to yours by deed poll. He clearly won't mind...

yip ...

QueenBee52 · 27/09/2021 03:42

@Guineapigbridge

You lost the poker game. He's tricked you and now you have almost no bargaining power. Your last bargaining chip is only your emotional labour. So tell him you're moving out and withdrawing your emotional and physical labour. Not interested in washing his pants or raising his children or listening to his shit if he can't commit to you.

this

Butterflywing · 27/09/2021 04:17

Come on op! He does not care what you want. Was this not a red flag to you?!

How many men would put their career on hold/ reduce their hours or give up work to bring a child into the world for love only without legal protection?

None!

Who is doing the cooking, tidying, cleaning, laundry, childcare?

If you are not married you need to be charging for your services. Otherwise you are just doing wife work without any legal recompense.

If you earn more than him it's fine not to be married because your assets remain yours and you won't have to share them if you split.

However if you're not married and split up or if he dies you are not entitled to his assets or money at any time. Win win for him especially if he gets you to 'volunteer' wifework for free!

So he remains in a very powerful financial and legal position.

He can call all the shots and you haven't got a leg to stand on and he knows it.

Time you did some research. With any luck he will set up a financial plan for your DC independent of yours and his relationship.

Aprilx · 27/09/2021 06:54

I had hoped for once I might see a thread when somebody said this before they had children. In that case it would have been relatively easy to say walk away and find someone that is happy to commit to you. It is obviously harder in your case, but underneath I think it is the same, he doesn’t feel strongly enough about you. You need to decide if you are going to live with that and hope for the best, but I would definitely keep up full time work in the meantime.

Terribleluck · 27/09/2021 07:23

These threads come up all the time, always the same pattern, they already have children and the surname is the excuse to get married. What's the obsession with that?? My DH was ambivalent about marriage but we did it and now we feel marriage has mad us closer as a couple.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 27/09/2021 07:27

Which of you is the higher earner?

litterbird · 27/09/2021 07:32

I am hoping you are the higher earner with lots of personal assets and a good pension then I would recommend you dont get married at all! However, I dont think this is the case. Of course he doesn't want to get married, he has this wife type person already ensconced in his home and he wont have to deal with split assets if he decides one day you aren't worthy of being with him. As others have said, you left it too late to bargain for marriage, that ship sailed when you became the false wife and mother to his child. Make sure you dont reduce your hours, or god forbid, give up work. Forge ahead with any career plans and make sure you have separate finances all the way. Get your control back in any way you can as he is running this relationship now.

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