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Original poster

DP doesn’t want to get married

114 replies

Queenofhearts2 · 26/09/2021 23:10

We have a child together, we have a mortgage together and we are technically engaged, although he never properly proposed to me, just gave me the ring in the kitchen…very romantic Confused he’s (by his own admission) not romantic at all and doesn’t like weddings, fuss, any sort of celebration or attention on him.
He told me today he doesn’t think he wants to get married and doesn’t see the point. I must admit I feel quite gutted and when I said I’d like all three of us to have the same surname, he said I could change it by deed poll if I wanted to Sad

Am I right to feel sad about this?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 27/09/2021 07:33

I agree with the person who said they don’t see you as forever.

He doesn’t sound very committed to you. I’d be really upset too.

Dery · 27/09/2021 07:33

“He told me today he doesn’t think he wants to get married and doesn’t see the point.

Marriage offers lots of legal protection to the lower earning spouse. You have a mortgage together - are you both on the deeds? Who inherits the other's property should the worst happen? Did you take maternity leave for your joint child, taking a hit to your personal finances? Who is named beneficiary for pensions?”

This. Also, if one of you died, the other would have to pay inheritance tax if the deceased’s assets exceeded the IHT threshold. If you’re in England, engagement and co-habiting offer no legal protections to the partner in and of themselves. Marriage does. These are particularly important if you are the lower earner/become an SAHM.

The position is different in some other jurisdictions.

Dery · 27/09/2021 07:39

I have a different surname to my children. It doesn’t bother me but I can see why it can bother some people so I think the deed poll suggestion nails it. Change her surname to yours and tell him your just following his suggestion.

brittleheadgirl · 27/09/2021 07:41

Why on earth did you give your child his surname?
I can't believe women are still doing this Confused

LastGirlSanding · 27/09/2021 07:52

It strikes me that some men are happy to live rife to er and have a child together because sadly they see those things as optional, including living in the same house as their child. Marriage appears more of a commitment because it is a legal commitment whereas the rest is just dependent on goodwill and the woman being what they want as a pseudo wife and mother. Marriage and divorce however can seem like it has more stark consequences sadly for a certain type of man than being a dad and live in partner. Those consequences being financially related.

bigbaggyeyes · 27/09/2021 07:54

If course you're not unreasonable to be sad, but also your dp isn't unreasonable to not want to get married.

But, and it's a big but, you need to ensure that you're financially secure in your own right, as marriage does protect you. Please tell me you still work? If not you need to remedy that now, build up your pension and also savings and ensure that if the relationship does go south, then you and your dc will be ok.

As for deed poll, I'd be tempted to ask him to change his name, if he won't then change your child's name to yours

BigFatLiar · 27/09/2021 08:00

You should have had this discussion before moving in together.

Some people (male or female) just don't want marriage but are happy co-habiting. Doesn't mean he doesn't see you as a life partner, couple a few doors from us have a grown family, now mostly moved out, and are still together. It does make a difference legally in terms of death and more importantly (on MN) preparing for the divorce.

Lana07 · 27/09/2021 08:18

It does make a difference legally in terms of death and more importantly (on MN) preparing for the divorce.

It DOES make some difference.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 27/09/2021 08:25

My friend has been with her do for over 30 years, changed her surname by deed poll to his, they have never married but very much in it for life.

When exdp and I first got together neither of us wanted to marry again, then I had dd and decided for the legal protection alone I wanted to. He agreed but then every time I tried to make plans he would refuse to discuss. I gave him an ultimatum he is as I say an exdp.

Current dp is wonderful. But I have said that he needs to make an all or nothing decision. If he wants us to seel both our properties and combine assets then I want marriage so we are both protected. Je has agreed but nothing has gone beyond that, no proposal etc so we remain in limbo of being happy but not fully together.

Surnames are not the reason to get married and if that is the primary argument you have put forward then your dp is right.

If there are other reasons then you need to be clear with him, but also decide if it is a deal breaker for you. You can't force him to get married but by the same token he can't force you not to

Fifthtimelucky · 27/09/2021 08:33

Not wanting a big wedding with all the fuss and attention is fine, but you need to explain the point of being married.

Try suggesting a very small ceremony with immediate family only. If he refuses that you will know that it is not the wedding that he wants to avoid but the commitment.

thriftyhen · 27/09/2021 08:37

Is he conflating getting married and having a wedding? Marriage is a legal contract which will provide you with protections in case of a split or death, especially if you are the lower earner.

Ragwort · 27/09/2021 08:44

So depressing how frequently these threads appear ....

SleepingBunnies21 · 27/09/2021 08:48

You can get married, just the two of you, on a break somewhere or in your local reg. Office, if that's his issue.

GroggyLegs · 27/09/2021 09:30

If you had this conversation before the house & child and he formerly agreed he wanted to be married, then you'd have every right to be furious.
If this is the first time this conversation has arisen, I'm sorry but you have been extremely naive.

My DH was also ambivalent about marriage, but like PP, I refused to have children or share a mortgage until the wedding was booked. Why on earth would I give up my financial independence and carry a child for someone who wasn't prepared to commit to me?
As PP also said, he's now announced we should have got married 5 years before and had the DC earlier Confused

It's a shit state of affairs that men have to be coerced into marriage, but if you want children & plan to be the one sacrificing your career, get married first.

ohdeariforgot · 27/09/2021 09:37

Check what he wants to avoid. If it's a wedding with you and him as the centre of attention and all the accompanying fuss, would he be happy to get married quietly at a registers office?

Redwinestillfine · 27/09/2021 09:49

Of course you're not unreasonable! How hurtful. It's not ok. Give him the engagement ring back and think about what you want long-term. Are you happy to not get married, or is it something you want from life? If you are happy and you won't grow to resent him, then get protection via legal documents. If he refuses leave. If marriage is important to you then tell him it's a deal breaker and leave. He is not your only option, and if he can't commit ( whether by marrying you or providing equivalent legal protections) then he doesn't deserve you, and you and your child deserve better.

Lana07 · 27/09/2021 09:51
Sakurami · 27/09/2021 09:55

Here is what you do.

If he doesn't believe in marriage that's fine, but you don't believe in him getting all the benefits if marriage without being married.

So make sure that you work full time. That you only do half of all childcare and housework and half of taking days off to look after a sick child. Only take your child to half dental, doctors appointments. Only take your child to half the birthday parties etc.

Because otherwise you are just risking your future whilst he gets to have his cake and eat it.

Sakurami · 27/09/2021 09:55

Also, change your child's surname to either yours or double barrelled. Seems fair to me.

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/09/2021 09:56

If all the big fuss of a wedding is his objection, would he prepared to go to the registry office for a very quiet ceremony, just the 2 of you with witnesses? Which gives you and his child the legal protection that you should have? Nobody else needs to know you're married...

workshy44 · 27/09/2021 09:59

At least he has told you and not dragged it on for 20 + years like some others on here recently. You have a chance to start again and I would suggest you take it
I would clarify why he doesn't want to get married- is it the "wedding" or the "marriage" he doesn't want? If it is the latter I'm afraid he doesn't see you as the one or the forever.
This is especially true as he was willing to marry previously- something has changed.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/09/2021 09:59

I consider what he's done to be fraudulent. Would you have had a baby, given that baby his name if he had made it clear from the start that he wasn't going to marry you?
This would be a deal breaker for me.

I'd start making arrangements to leave - tell him you either get married or you want to go your separate ways. Get legal advice as to whether you can remain in the house until the child is 18, which would give you some breathing space.
Most importantly you have to mean it. Empty threats are worse than doing nothing because he will lose any residual respect for you.
In the meantime stop doing anything that would constitute wife work for his benefit. If you aren't working, then get back into employment asap and begin the process of disentangling yourself.

Kendodd · 27/09/2021 10:04

It doesn't actually change anything whatsoever

Please stop putting out bollocks like this.
Marriage makes a huge difference.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 27/09/2021 10:09

Do you want a wedding, or to be married?

The not liking the fuss and attention on him is a fair reason not to want a traditional wedding (though if he's always known that's a big dream of yours there should be some compromise between your different wishes if you genuinely love, respect and care about one another).

Not liking fuss and attention isn't a reason not to want to be married - absolute simple basic registery office formalities.

If he "doesn't see the point" can you sit down and spend some time putting into words on paper exactly what the point is for you? It's not just surnames, otherwise you would do the deed poll thing. Presumably its security and commitment, possibly the public nature of the commitment, possibly the legal and financial aspect. Be completely honest with yourself. Then ve completely honest with him once you have it clear in your own head.

"Don't see the point" is a stupid thing to say when he knows it matters to you as if nothing else "the point" is that it matters to you! So there needs to be a conversation about this in which your honest with one another and he doesn't just spout crap about not seeing the point, and you actually explain lucidly and honestly the reasons it matters to you in a calm and objective way.

If you're genuinely partners for life you both care about what your partner wants and if the only reason not to do something your partner feels incredibly strongly about is "not seeing the point" that's irredeemably selfish, lazy and uncaring. There must therefore be more to it...

MrsWooster · 27/09/2021 10:16

He’s broken of your engagement: why are you sad, not angry? Change dc name to yours and ensure you are legally protected if when he decides that he wants to wander off and have a big wedding and 2.4 children with someone else.