DP doesn’t want to get married

[Queenofhearts2]

We have a child together, we have a mortgage together and we are technically engaged, although he never properly proposed to me, just gave me the ring in the kitchen…very romantic he’s (by his own admission) not romantic at all and doesn’t like weddings, fuss, any sort of celebration or attention on him.
He told me today he doesn’t think he wants to get married and doesn’t see the point. I must admit I feel quite gutted and when I said I’d like all three of us to have the same surname, he said I could change it by deed poll if I wanted to

Am I right to feel sad about this?

He's ended your engagement basically. It's ok not to be ok with that OP. He shouldn't have proposed if he didn't want to get married and he definitely shouldn't have agreed to the kids having his last name. This is why unless I'm married and have taken someone else's last name, I would never let children have anyone else's last name only. It's nonsensical to me.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He's ended your engagement basically. It's ok not to be ok with that OP. He shouldn't have proposed if he didn't want to get married and he definitely shouldn't have agreed to the kids having his last name. This is why unless I'm married and have taken someone else's last name, I would never let children have anyone else's last name only. It's nonsensical to me.

yip

It depends how you view marriage doesn't it really.

I do not view it as "I will definitely love you forever and ever." I'm not able to promise that. No one is and it's an utterly ludicrous promise to make.

I would view marriage as a contract that we sign that will serve a purpose the event of a split, that means both parties are treated fairly.

Not romantic but realistic.

He should never have proposed ..

@MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast

It depends how you view marriage doesn't it really.

I do not view it as "I will definitely love you forever and ever." I'm not able to promise that. No one is and it's an utterly ludicrous promise to make.

I would view marriage as a contract that we sign that will serve a purpose the event of a split, that means both parties are treated fairly.

Not romantic but realistic.

Completely agree. The people who say marriage is “just a piece of paper” are talking shit - it’s a legal contract that gives you rights and obligations that there are penalties for breaking (divorce). Equally though the people who think marriage is about surnames and love are talking shit - marriage doesn’t automatically change your name or require that you change it, nor does it guarantee you’ll love someone forever.

@Sakurami

Also, change your child's surname to either yours or double barrelled. Seems fair to me.

OP can't unless her DP agrees.

@PiesNotGuys

These responses are a bit horrifying to me. Bargaining chips?

My life isn’t something that I divide into chunks and sell to the highest bidder. I don’t bear children in exchange for financial security. Bullying people into marriage by threats, and withholding privileges isn’t exactly likely to lead to a long and healthy relationship.

Whereas I do know that there are legally some difference between being married and unmarried, it is a ridiculous assumption to decide that the OP would automatically be better off. You have no idea if she would or not. You have no crystal ball to say which set of legal circumstances would be better for her now or when the relationship ends. For every person glad of their marriage certificate there will be another being dragged through the divorce courts rueing the day it was signed.

I don’t want to be married. If you want to use a reason pertinent to this thread, I don’t like fuss and attention. Nor can I balance in my head promising to love someone forever when the same school of thought will tell you, you can’t help how you feel, you feel how you feel, and you shouldn’t apologise for a feeling, etc etc. I refuse to make a promise I don’t think can be made.

My partner would dearly love to be married. He would have had the whole massive wedding and his whole family are disappointed that in me he will never get that. But that’s up to him to reconcile - you can’t get half married. I don’t believe in the vows even of a basic ceremony, so it would be a fraud. And if he tried to bully me into it, our relationship would be over.

Protect yourself financially. That may or may not involve marriage but it’s just sensible. All the rest is fluff, including those people who say ‘I would never have kids if he didn’t commit’ etc etc (who would also tell you kids are a bigger commitment than marriage) Marriage is NOT the only way to commit to somebody and not wanting to do it doesn’t mean anything about how you see the other person.

For well off/rich women marriage can mean 'risking' their fortune or inheritance in case of divorce.

In that case, yes, it's best not to get married :).

Our marriage means SO MUCH to me. I LOVE being a wife and mum and being married as much as you love being NOT married.

I loved our 2 not big but very emotional, very and extremely special for wedding us our weddings in both of our countries - the UK and an Eastern European country.

It's ok to have different marriage views and values.

Not marrying for me IS a type of bullying too :).

So it's all about how you look at it and perceive it.

• I loved our 2 not big and cheap enough but very emotional and extremely special for both of and our families weddings in both of our countries of birth - his UK and and my Eastern European country.

Of course, there are no guarantees in life about anything - relations, marriage, career, job, financial success.

It's all about belief. Beliving in your loving relations and in each other and the fact that there is a good 50% chance it will last. Hopefully forever and that you chose the right match for you/each other and you proper Soulmate based on 7 main levels:

1. physical/sexual

2. emotional (+emotional intelligence)

3. intellectual

4. mutual hobbies & interests

5. similar lifestyle etc

6. similar sense of humour

7. respect, understanding, support

Marriage isn't just about the practicalities of course- a lot of people see it as the ultimate romantic gesture and that's OK. It's OK to feel that and want that. I had a bloke who was reluctant to marry me. He regretted not having done so in the end. He took me for granted/didn't appreciate me and the non-marrying was part of that.

I was the higher earner and turned down XP's marriage proposals three times after I realised what a douche he was after I got pregnant.

I've protected my assets (two investment properties) and am in a 4 bed house with DD while he's living with his parents at 62 after I finally got away from him.

He was also not keen to get married until he thought I was going to leave and then used it as a bargaining chip. I am so grateful I took legal advice and looked at the situation without emotion.

There were many red flags there from the start but it was a long time ago and I didn't have the information that you will get from this board. Please take everybody's advice and protect yourself.

My life isn’t something that I divide into chunks and sell to the highest bidder. I don’t bear children in exchange for financial security. Bullying people into marriage by threats, and withholding privileges isn’t exactly likely to lead to a long and healthy relationship.

Marriage amongst other things is to protect the CHILDREN of the marriage financially. It isn't just about you. You can sell yourself or not, be a bully or not, have a healthy relationship or not - no-one gives a fuck. However the marriage contract legally protects your children financially.

If OP splits from her boyfriend then her CHILDREN will be the ones that may potentially suffer hardship as a result of their mother's impaired ability to earn money because she is a single parent. Marriage could mitigate against this.

Here’s a suggestion- if oh doesn’t want to get married, how about a civil partnership? A CP offers the same legal protections as marriage and now available to opposite sex couples. You don’t have to have any kind of ceremony, once you’ve given notice and the legal waiting period has expired you can literally just go to the register office on a prearranged date and sign the civil partnership schedule together with your witnesses.

@mitchellbird

Here’s a suggestion- if oh doesn’t want to get married, how about a civil partnership? A CP offers the same legal protections as marriage and now available to opposite sex couples. You don’t have to have any kind of ceremony, once you’ve given notice and the legal waiting period has expired you can literally just go to the register office on a prearranged date and sign the civil partnership schedule together with your witnesses.

Absolutely this. Me and DP had ours in May. The only people who know are my DD, her DP and my DP's dad. Neither of us wear a ring, no fuss, no name changes, nothing that would set us apart from an unmarried couple. We have all the securities marriage has without being married...win, win.

I had exactly this with my ex. Engaged, owned a house, ran a business together EVERYTHING except he said he didn't want to get married. We were together over 10 years. We got engaged by him saying, here you go one evening - no fuss, no nothing.

I really did want the marriage.

I left him.

I'll admit I was gobsmacked when 3 years later he went off with his new girlfriend of 6 months and got married. The guy who didn't want to get married as he didn't like the fuss, didn't see the need etc somehow managed to make the fuss with someone else no problem!!!

He didn't want to get married - to me. He did marry another woman! So I'm afraid, I call bullshit. He knows how important it is to you - it's not important to him allegedly, but he still won't do it.

He doesn't want to commit to you - he wants to leave his options open.

Sorry, that's the brutal truth. Been there, done that!