Page 3 | DP doesn’t want to get married

Queenofhearts2 · 2021-09-26T22:10:23+00:00

We have a child together, we have a mortgage together and we are technically engaged, although he never properly proposed to me, just gave me the ring in the kitchen…very romantic [confused] he’s (by his own admission) not romantic at all and doesn’t like weddings, fuss, any sort of celebration or attention on him. He told me today he doesn’t think he wants to get married and doesn’t see the point. I must admit I feel quite gutted and when I said I’d like all three of us to have the same surname, he said I could change it by deed poll if I wanted to [sad] Am I right to feel sad about this?

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 10:16

Does he not want a wedding or not want a marriage?

Talk to him about why you want to be married.

The thing that stuck with my DP is when I told him that my NC parent would have the final decision, not him, if I was on life support.

PermanentTemporary · 27/09/2021 10:17

I agree mostly with others on here but I would just say that I can see you agreeing to a very basic 10am Monday register office ceremony with 2 witnesses and then complaining about it.

I think you would like to be married but you would also like a wedding, a celebration with friends and family and your partner making a formal commitment to you in public. And maybe you'd like some of the fun bits too, a beautiful dress, presents, dancing, everyone dressing up for you. And do you know what? That's fine.

It's OK to say 'this is what I'd like'. It's better to say 'this is the point for me' and stick to it. It might of course mean that you split up, it also might just mean that you find out you disagree and you have to compromise.

SafeMove · 27/09/2021 10:19

Oh I am the DP in this situation. In fact I said exactly the same thing to DP on Saturday night. I don't want a wedding or a marriage as I have done both and it was shit. DP has never been married before. I kind of don't want to get married to protect my assets for my DC. I would marry him if I could protect them.

We do not have dc together (I have 3, he has none) but we have bought a house together. In my will I have left 50% of the house to my DC. He looked a bit crestfallen when I said it but said he understood. Now I am wondering if I am being selfish, lazy and uncaring? Is it the fact you have a child together OP?

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2021 10:19

Ask him why he doesn’t want you to have the legal protection and status that marriage would give you

Bells3032 · 27/09/2021 10:19

Honestly there's a thread like this pretty much every day on here. You must have seen at least one before.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper. It gives you legal rights and protection if he leaves. Furthermore even if he is the most decent guy in the world there is still a discrpency if something happens to him or you. You have no rights to make medical decisions for each other. If you were to have another child and something happened to you in childbirth he has no automatic rights to claim paternity and would have to take a test and claim through a court. There's a number of other issues etc that come with being married.

But if that's what you wanted (and I don't judge anyone who chooses not to) then you should have decided that before you had a kid and bought a house. There now is no reason for him to marry you. There's little benefit to him if he's the higher earner. You've given away your leverage. It's now your decision on whether it's a deal breaker or not

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2021 10:21

@SafeMove

Oh I am the DP in this situation. In fact I said exactly the same thing to DP on Saturday night. I don't want a wedding or a marriage as I have done both and it was shit. DP has never been married before. I kind of don't want to get married to protect my assets for my DC. I would marry him if I could protect them.

We do not have dc together (I have 3, he has none) but we have bought a house together. In my will I have left 50% of the house to my DC. He looked a bit crestfallen when I said it but said he understood. Now I am wondering if I am being selfish, lazy and uncaring? Is it the fact you have a child together OP?

Your situation is different You don’t have a child together and you want to protect your dc from a previous relationship I am sure there would be a way of protecting your assets though if you did want to marry

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 27/09/2021 10:29

SafeMove hopefully you are completely honest with your partner and have been from the time your relationship became serious and you considered moving in together. When you have children who are not your partner's you have to be selfish in the sense that you have to put your children before your new boyfriend - later partner. Its right to put dependent children before any new romantic interest of course, and you're acting on behalf of the children whom you rightly care more about than a new relationship.

The OP is in a relationship where the only child is a joint one and where marriage was planned and that plan withdrawn because one partner "doesn't see the point" - not to protect the interests of dependent children.

ChrissyPlummer · 27/09/2021 10:38

I love how on these threads it’s always trotted out that “you had his baby” as though the woman has done the man a huge favour. The man probably wouldn’t bother either way about kids. Same with cleaning, they’d just hire someone.

PermanentTemporary · 27/09/2021 10:39

Safe move I've told my bf this weekend that I may never be ready to move in together even though we were starting to talk about it 2 weeks ago. Protecting my ds was definitely part of it but also stating and protecting my own preferences against a constant pull to negate my own wishes and interests as 'selfish'. I do think the OP's bf has a right to say what he wants and to change his mind and so does the OP.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 27/09/2021 10:43

@myheartskippedabeat

I guess everyone is different op

I'm not married to my partner, we have a house together and a rental place, 2 kids and pets not married tho

Having the same surname is so far down my list of priorities but I have a friend who only married the man she's been with for about 15 years because of this reason which I thought was strange like this was the end of her world!!!

It doesn't actually change anything whatsoever in the same way spending hundreds of pounds on a wedding wouldn't change it either

I'm not sure why people get hung up about it but if it bothers you maybe ask him if he's go off with you just the 2 of you and have a very private little wedding

Yeah totally agree, why are so many women hung up on marriage and the amount of women that “force” the man into it (my own mother did) and it’s not right.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 27/09/2021 10:48

PermanentTemporary - "I don't see the point" is a cop out and a lie though. Thats what's selfish and uncaring. If the only reason was not seeing the point it'd be no big deal - something that matters to your partner and you're ambivalent about because you think its pointless is worth doing simply because it matters so much to your partner.

It's selfish and uncaring to shrug and say that you don't see the point of something that is massively important to your partner and you previously promised to do.

Its different to have clear, defined reasons for not feeling able or willing to marry, especially when they're about protecting the interests of your children but also if you're honest enough from the outset to admit you're protecting your own financial independence.

Its "I don't see the point" that shows utter disrespect and disregard and lack of care for the partner to whom this has previously been promised and who you know it matters immensely to.

mydogisthebest · 27/09/2021 10:49

Why on earth do so many women have babies without being married if they want to be married?

Also what is it with so many men not wanting to get married?

Thankfully my DH believes in marriage as strongly as I do so we got married before we bought a house (chosen to be childfree). We didn't even live together beforehand.

No way on earth would I have a baby without being married.

If you both don't want to be married/don't believe in marriage fine but if one of you does then it is pretty unfair not to get married.

A wedding can be very cheap and quick. You are still married whether you are wearing a meringue dress or jeans, whether you spend £100 or £30,000.

It's pointless some posters saying marriage doesn't change anything (which is rubbish anyway) or asking why some woman are so hung up on it. The OP wants to be married and it's important to her.

Kendodd · 27/09/2021 10:49

Change dc name to yours

If his name is on the birth certificate, it's to late.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/09/2021 10:54

There is a massive difference between not wanting to get married, being upfront from the start with your dp and lying to your partner until they've made major life decisions on the basis of what you allowed them to believe!

The OPs do has either deliberately misled her or has changed how he feels about her and is wrapping that up as 'marriage isn't important'. Either way, it's dishonesty and the OP now has to re-evaluate her position.

BigFatLiar · 27/09/2021 10:55

Also what is it with so many men not wanting to get married?

It's not just men, a lot of women feel that way as well.

If you both don't want to be married/don't believe in marriage fine but if one of you does then it is pretty unfair not to get married.

Time to sort it out is before you move in together not after. If marriage is important get it organised first and don't leave it till sometime later when it may get left by the wayside.

Lweji · 27/09/2021 11:02

Why do you want to get married?

If your real reason is just the surnames, then he's right.

If you have other, deeper, reasons, then tell him what they are.

A wedding doesn't have to be romantic, or fussy at all. It's a contract between two people.

BTW, I hope you're not a SAHM.

BigFatLiar · 27/09/2021 11:02

we are technically engaged, although he never properly proposed to me, just gave me the ring in the kitchen

In this sense being engaged is when you're preparing to marry. He hasn't proposed he just gave you a ring.
Tell him there's a difference between getting married and having a wedding and you'd be happy with a quick trip to the registry office some afternoon, you him and a couple of friends as witnesses.

LoislovesStewie · 27/09/2021 11:08

@myheartskippedabeat

I guess everyone is different op

I'm not married to my partner, we have a house together and a rental place, 2 kids and pets not married tho

Having the same surname is so far down my list of priorities but I have a friend who only married the man she's been with for about 15 years because of this reason which I thought was strange like this was the end of her world!!!

It doesn't actually change anything whatsoever in the same way spending hundreds of pounds on a wedding wouldn't change it either

I'm not sure why people get hung up about it but if it bothers you maybe ask him if he's go off with you just the 2 of you and have a very private little wedding

But, legally it does make a difference, and too often not being married is worse for the woman. The woman doesn't start off with 50/50 in the event that the relationship fails, she might not be entitled to any of his pension and if her name isn't on the deeds to the house, well good luck with that.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 11:17

Why on earth do so many women have babies without being married if they want to be married?

In our situation, we were in no rush to get married, both financially stable, ready for children and wanted to save to pay off a chunk of the mortgage rather than spunking it on a big party.

ottoisagoodname · 27/09/2021 12:48

To give another view , this may be true of OP, sometimes mother is the higher earner and financially it wouldn't make sense for her to marry.

However, A lot of women's wages go down and pension sacrifices are made because of working PT around DC. Not many fathers make equivalent sacrifices. Legally and financially it makes sense for most women /mothers to marry OP.

Lucifersleeps · 27/09/2021 12:54

The name thing is irrelevant.
I sincerely hope your name is on the deeds and mortgage and you didn’t quit your career when you had a child. make sure he does his share of the boring crap (housework, child care etc) and tbh you’ll be fine.

If you did quit your job or go part time or live in a house that doesn’t have your name on it then you’re yet another stupid woman who gives all the power to a man with no security in return.

Lana07 · 27/09/2021 13:00

I personally would set my boundaries and would be ready to leave if my husband refused to marry me.

But I understand everyone is different.

Redwinestillfine · 27/09/2021 13:06

@girlmom21 This misses the entire point of marriage. It's not a 'big party' it's a legal and financial commitment to each other.

Lana07 · 27/09/2021 13:06

We got married after 9 months of knowing each other, met twice, and moved in together after 4 months of being in relation.

It's only because we were long-distance from each other and lived in different countries.

Ideally, I'd like to date for 1 year and to live together for 1 year before deciding to get married. So for me, 2 years maximum before getting married is a very reasonable time.

If it was dragging for years and years and for too long I'd also feel I am not his priority and look for my future husband who does want to get married and have a baby/or minimum 2 children and a family with me.

Dillydollydingdong · 27/09/2021 13:06

I would agree with a pp. Withdraw your labour, don't cook, clean or wash his pants. No sex. Tell him if he won't marry you, it's not a relationship at all. You're moving out, and taking DC. Hopefully he'll see sense.