DP doesn’t want to get married

[Queenofhearts2]

We have a child together, we have a mortgage together and we are technically engaged, although he never properly proposed to me, just gave me the ring in the kitchen…very romantic he’s (by his own admission) not romantic at all and doesn’t like weddings, fuss, any sort of celebration or attention on him.
He told me today he doesn’t think he wants to get married and doesn’t see the point. I must admit I feel quite gutted and when I said I’d like all three of us to have the same surname, he said I could change it by deed poll if I wanted to

Am I right to feel sad about this?

[quote Redwinestillfine]@girlmom21 This misses the entire point of marriage. It's not a 'big party' it's a legal and financial commitment to each other.[/quote]
I agree - but many people want the marriage and the wedding together.

@myheartskippedabeat

I guess everyone is different op

I'm not married to my partner, we have a house together and a rental place, 2 kids and pets not married tho

Having the same surname is so far down my list of priorities but I have a friend who only married the man she's been with for about 15 years because of this reason which I thought was strange like this was the end of her world!!!

It doesn't actually change anything whatsoever in the same way spending hundreds of pounds on a wedding wouldn't change it either

I'm not sure why people get hung up about it but if it bothers you maybe ask him if he's go off with you just the 2 of you and have a very private little wedding

In 2005 we had a very on a budget little wedding with 18 guests - only very close friends and family from my husband's side.

Then 3 months later we had our second wedding in my country I am from with 40 guests - my family and friends.

It doesn't have to be expensive at all.

So, what boundaries I would personally set in this type of relations.

1. I AM going back to work at least part-time to be financially independent to some extent and so we DO need to pay 50/50 for childcare. (that's what we did with my husband).

2. I AM going to get another send hand affordable car to drive our son to birthday parties so you don't moan about it when I ask you.

3. We are in EQUAL relations and you had a chance to have your say when we were choosing the house to rent. You agreed with it, I DID NOT force you to agree with it against your will. It is NOT FAIR you blame for that!

4. I WORK HARD at home as much you do at work. Please STOP belittling me or putting me down or my efforts and everything I do, all the chores around the house. You are trying to make yourself look bigger and better at my expense trying to ruin my high self-esteem. I DO NOT need it in my life!

5. Please STOP humiliating me in front of your family for my lack of GCSEs. It is what it is. I can't change my past. I can qualify for whatever I choose making a mature choice now or soon and I will if I need to.

Good luck x

2. *another second hand car

Sorry, an answer to the wrong post.

Why is there NO delete option?

Of course you are ok to feel sad about this. You are you. You want to be married. Others don’t which is fine. But you do. So then it’s fine for you to feel sad about it. The same way it is fine for somebody to feel sad because they want to stay unmarried and their partner doesn’t.

@Lana07

Sorry, an answer to the wrong post.

Why is there NO delete option?

agreed or even an edit option

@Guineapigbridge

You lost the poker game. He's tricked you and now you have almost no bargaining power. Your last bargaining chip is only your emotional labour. So tell him you're moving out and withdrawing your emotional and physical labour. Not interested in washing his pants or raising his children or listening to his shit if he can't commit to you.

I like this post

@girlmom21

Why on earth do so many women have babies without being married if they want to be married?

In our situation, we were in no rush to get married, both financially stable, ready for children and wanted to save to pay off a chunk of the mortgage rather than spunking it on a big party.

Firstly you don't have to have a big party when you get married. It can be just the 2 of you and a couple of witnesses.

Me and DH wanted to be married. We both believe in marriage and making the commitment. We would have been quite happy to go to the register office with close family and then for a nice meal. MIL though thought a reception/party was essential so all the relatives you haven't seen for years can come.

We did have a reception, she paid for it though.

Are you married now? If so then it worked for you but it doesn't sound like it is going to work for the OP

What women don’t seem to realise is that when blokes ask you to move in with them, this is like their opening offer. You never accept an opening offer. Going ahead and moving in with them, then giving them a child, washing their pants and making a home etc and expecting them to propose is like accepting the first offer on a house then putting a new kitchen and bathroom in and going back asking for a higher price. Risky strategy

@girlmom21

Why on earth do so many women have babies without being married if they want to be married?

In our situation, we were in no rush to get married, both financially stable, ready for children and wanted to save to pay off a chunk of the mortgage rather than spunking it on a big party.

I assume the OP had a similar view a few years ago.

If your DP had turned around & said he'd changed his mind, you'd potentially be in the same position with a stalled career & none of the legal protections marriage provides.

I get the reasoning, but it's a risky (IMO naive) move.

I assume you're not the higher earner or the one with your own assets etc. What's done is done now and there is no changing it.

1. You've already had the baby (who I'm sure brings you great joy) and guess have taken the hit to the finances, career, pension etc

1. you're already behaving like a wife in the home and have created this satus quo

1. He has changed the terms of your engagement.

Potentially you could do something about number 2 but it's just likely to cause you more grief and make daily life worse in the end. Concentrate on getting yourself into a strong position in the event of a split. I'm not saying you will, (nobody knows that) but ultimately this might empower you and make the situation better for you.

Give your next Child YOUR Surname

Op in your shoes the best thing you can do now is to get yourself in the best financial position that you can so that you can manage yourself if it ever comes to that.

Which means full time work (for most people) plus your DP doing his fair share of childcare and household chores so you don’t burn out.

Think about what you need to do to improve your income/career prospects and start working towards that. Focus more on yourself
Do not accept any complaints from him - he doesn’t want to get married well this is the consequence.

Watertight contraception and no talk of any more babies. I know this is probably not how you want your life to go but if you have lemons the best thing you can do is make lemonade. Don’t be passive and wait for the shit to hit the fan. Get yourself in the best position that you can. Do it for yourself and your DC

@Lana07

So, what boundaries I would personally set in this type of relations.

1. I AM going back to work at least part-time to be financially independent to some extent and so we DO need to pay 50/50 for childcare. (that's what we did with my husband).

2. I AM going to get another send hand affordable car to drive our son to birthday parties so you don't moan about it when I ask you.

3. We are in EQUAL relations and you had a chance to have your say when we were choosing the house to rent. You agreed with it, I DID NOT force you to agree with it against your will. It is NOT FAIR you blame for that!

4. I WORK HARD at home as much you do at work. Please STOP belittling me or putting me down or my efforts and everything I do, all the chores around the house. You are trying to make yourself look bigger and better at my expense trying to ruin my high self-esteem. I DO NOT need it in my life!

5. Please STOP humiliating me in front of your family for my lack of GCSEs. It is what it is. I can't change my past. I can qualify for whatever I choose making a mature choice now or soon and I will if I need to.

Good luck x

Where did the OP mention her GCSE’s ?

@ChrissyPlummer

I love how on these threads it’s always trotted out that “you had his baby” as though the woman has done the man a huge favour. The man probably wouldn’t bother either way about kids. Same with cleaning, they’d just hire someone.

There’s something in this.

These responses are a bit horrifying to me. Bargaining chips?

My life isn’t something that I divide into chunks and sell to the highest bidder. I don’t bear children in exchange for financial security. Bullying people into marriage by threats, and withholding privileges isn’t exactly likely to lead to a long and healthy relationship.

Whereas I do know that there are legally some difference between being married and unmarried, it is a ridiculous assumption to decide that the OP would automatically be better off. You have no idea if she would or not. You have no crystal ball to say which set of legal circumstances would be better for her now or when the relationship ends. For every person glad of their marriage certificate there will be another being dragged through the divorce courts rueing the day it was signed.

I don’t want to be married. If you want to use a reason pertinent to this thread, I don’t like fuss and attention. Nor can I balance in my head promising to love someone forever when the same school of thought will tell you, you can’t help how you feel, you feel how you feel, and you shouldn’t apologise for a feeling, etc etc. I refuse to make a promise I don’t think can be made.

My partner would dearly love to be married. He would have had the whole massive wedding and his whole family are disappointed that in me he will never get that. But that’s up to him to reconcile - you can’t get half married. I don’t believe in the vows even of a basic ceremony, so it would be a fraud. And if he tried to bully me into it, our relationship would be over.

Protect yourself financially. That may or may not involve marriage but it’s just sensible. All the rest is fluff, including those people who say ‘I would never have kids if he didn’t commit’ etc etc (who would also tell you kids are a bigger commitment than marriage) Marriage is NOT the only way to commit to somebody and not wanting to do it doesn’t mean anything about how you see the other person.

It kind of does though pies. Your commitment is less because you aren't willing to take the risk that you might not love your dp forever. But he is willing to take that risk for you.

You've been honest with your dp though, so it's his choice to say whether what you are comfortable offering is enough for him. But it's different for the OP - her partner has changed the terms of the relationship after unchangeable decisions had been made.

I wouldn't want to live in a battlefield, where everything is split 50/50 and the OP can't give an inch because she needs to protect herself. I'd rather leave.

@SafeMove I kind of don't want to get married to protect my assets for my DC. I would marry him if I could protect them.
Prenup!!! It's not overly expensive to do. Talk to your solicitor.

To those not wanting to get married, completely support your decision.
This is the reason I don't want the rights of marriage to be given to unmarried cohabiting couples, children or no children. Having marriage by default takes away choice and the option to just live together.
Unfortunately, so, so many people are completely uniformed or misinformed about the legal difference between marriage and not marriage and are basing their choices accordingly. The term 'common law wife/husband' shouldn't even exist imo, its misleading . The very first reply on this thread was the perfect example, saying marriage make no difference. This really needs to change and should be taught in schools along with sex education.

Has he ever used the 'but it's just a piece of paper excuse'?

Some people really do just see it as a piece of paper, but if he's used that excuse it's likely that he's not being honest with you about why he doesn't want to get married. If it's just a piece of paper or he doesn't see the point.....then he'll have no objection to going to the registry office next week then.........will he??

If he's truly self-serving and not thinking of you.......why would he get married now? He's got what he wanted, hasn't he? The main driver for him getting married would have been the children, but now that's ticked off the list there's almost no incentive left for him, especially if you are more financially vulnerable which lessens the chance of you leaving him.

It's sad though isn't it? No woman wants to feel like her partner is begrudgingly marrying her, doing it because he has to. This is often why marriages don't happen in the first place. The woman can see her partner isn't bothered or reluctant, and because she loves him and a few other reasons, the relationship plods along until they have children. She does so because she's scared that her fertility window is closing and she doesn't want to take the risk of starting all over again. Unfortunately, once she does have children, many women can kiss goodbye to getting married to these type of men.

I'm surprised you even have a mortgage together. The only reason why some people do this though is to make sure that someone else is also legally responsible for that asset if something goes wrong, not necessarily because they're thinking of you. Yes, the other person technically owns the house too so they are giving up something, but they're also gaining a bit of security and reassurance too.

My life isn’t something that I divide into chunks and sell to the highest bidder. I don’t bear children in exchange for financial security. Bullying people into marriage by threats, and withholding privileges isn’t exactly likely to lead to a long and healthy relationship

Totally agree @PiesNotGuys, although this isn't about the way you think, it's about the way the other person thinks, and some men really do think about how little they can get away with contributing, instead of how much they can contribute. That's not a healthy relationship either, is it? Some of them don't realise that their husbands think in this way until it's too late. It's women who have children and are often in a more financially vulnerable position, and so it's women who often pay the price of not getting married.

However, you're not thinking about them. You're mainly thinking about you, and having a knee-jerk, defensive reaction because you probably feel personally judged by the comments on this thread.

You’re right, it’s not about me - I’m not feeling judged but I am happy to put across the perspective of someone who does not want to be married. Of course, goalposts changing is not reasonable but OP a says he has never really been romantic/fussed so perhaps not the case here.

I will stand up each and every time against the default assumption shown here that a woman will automatically benefit from marriage purely due to her sex. Without intimate knowledge of a couples financial positions we cannot know that to be true. By all means say that historically and in some cases marriage has protected women. Just as I can say that historically and in some cases marriage has oppressed and damaged women.

Suggestions to withhold sex or not wash his pants until he agrees to one very specific form of commitment (others are available) are childish, transactional and utterly pointless.

As for me not being prepared to take the ‘risk’ of promising to love for life - it’s not about risk. You can’t promise a feeling. You can promise actions. You can promise to be together for the rest of your life, you can promise to treat each other well, you can promise to do all sorts of physical actions, but you can’t promise a feeling - no one can honestly promise to unconditionally love for life.

@Northernparent68 The more I read on here (and have seen in RL), the more I’m convinced. My DB, although he loves my DN to bits and is a very involved parent, would have been perfectly happy without DC. Same with my DH, he has an adult DD from a previous marriage. I asked him if she was planned; he says “sort of” but admits he’d have been happy without DC too.

Obviously, not all men etc. but I don’t get why women see it as this huge favour/advantage to the man when a lot of them are ambivalent about having DC. You also get “you gave up your career to raise HIS children”, again, by their own free will. It’s not ‘giving up’ something if you make an active choice to do it.

@Dillydollydingdong

I would agree with a pp. Withdraw your labour, don't cook, clean or wash his pants. No sex. Tell him if he won't marry you, it's not a relationship at all. You're moving out, and taking DC. Hopefully he'll see sense.

Is n’t this putting a price on your sexuality