He ate my cream scone and now my ring is off

[19Bears]

Definitely not a euphemism. Christ. As if that would ever happen.

It might sound minor, or silly, or petty, but it might just be the final straw that I've been waiting for.

I've lost count of how many times I've posted threads or commented on other similar threads, so some of you might know the back story. I'm too tired to go through it all again, but the latest in a long line of pathetic incidents is that he hasn't spoken to me since last Monday. All I did was for once in my life express my feelings and said no to going to a concert, and also said no I didn't want him to come out with me when I run and that it's something I want to do on my own. He responded with, "so you want to do everything on your own, do you?!" Live the rest of your life on your own, do you??!" Imagine an irate Frank Spencer. I just shrugged as if to say, sounds good to me. Because it is actually better and nicer when it's just me and the kids.

Anyway, last night I went to the fridge and noticed the cream scone that my friend at work had bought me was gone. (It's scone!) And the plastic container was on the bench next to the sink. I knew exactly what had happened. So when he came in the kitchen I asked if he'd thrown it out, he pretended not to hear so I asked again, and he said, "No, I ate it."

I felt like laughing. In fact, I did a bit. It's not the first time he's taken something he knows I was saving for later, silly things like half a can of pop, and at times completely denying it as if the kids had taken it or something. It's clearly not the fact I have missed out on my scone, it's that he never thinks to ask. It's pretty basic. So I just went up to sort the kids for bed, and took my wedding ring and engagement ring off and left them on the bathroom shelf. It's never been a proper marriage for years (no sex, for one example) and I see the rings as a trap, not an expression of love. No doubt when he realises I'm not wearing them he'll kick off. But I think I need to be strong now and say this is not what I want from life. He knows it himself deep down, but he's content to rumble on as he knows how I'm the kind of person who never wants to rock the boat.

So, if you can, please please MN ladies, help me keep the rings off and move forward. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirling plug hole, never quite flowing away.

I hope that makes sense somehow xx

Take some positive next steps
Speak to a lawyer
Tell him your marriage is over
Speak to your friends and family
Be very kind to yourself

Op you’ve taken that first step well done.

I think you need to tell people inRL. Both so you can get support and also do you can keep things moving.

Make a list of things you need to do. Book a solicitor appointment. Gather up important documents
Get the police on speed dial if he does kick off. If you are really worried about your safety can you get someone round
Think about finances
Can you sit down with him calmly and say you want to end things.

I wish you all the best

I’ve seen your comments on other posts about your marriage. I just want to say well done! That’s step one.

You need to end this. You’re miserable and have been for a decade. Tell him it’s over. You don’t need him to agree with you or your perspective (your previous comments make it seem like you think you two need to reach a consensus, that is not the case). Ending a relationship is a unilateral decision, you can just choose to no longer be with him.

I know that the link is for leaving an abusive relationship but there is a handy list of documents etc under what to include in your safety packing list which you might wish to start gathering

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

You sound very reasoned calm. I’d have laid a new patio by now

It's really hard taking these steps, good for you. Funny how sometimes a little thing can really be the straw that broke the camel's back.

What is it that you need the most next? Support from others in real life? Practical steps like housing and how to tell the kids? Or confidence-building to get you out of feeling stuck in the relationship? The FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) stuff is really powerful for keeping us trapped, take a look online and do some reading about it. The more awareness you develop about what a healthy relationship looks like, the more easily you can detach from your unhealthy one.

Take a look at this for some ideas...

www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/teen-disguises-brussels-sprouts-tasty-25033681

Just because there hasn't been an affair or abuse, doesn't mean you have to stay in an unhappy marriage. We have well and truly moved on from those times.

Just wanted to ask though - could the concert thing have been a nice thing to do together? I think sometimes couples drift apart because they don't do enough together so maybe it was an attempt to to just that?

I haven't read your other posts though so ignore me if I'm way off.

Well done for making that first step. Keep them off.

I'd suggest doing just one small thing today - message a friend/family member you can trust to support you (not somebody who is going to panic and say "you can't do that!!!") and say, "I think my marriage is over and I don't know what to do next".

Well done for making the first step OP. You've got this 💪🏻 xx

The rings are yours. Take them to a pawn shop and sell them. Use the cash to fund your freedom,

@GeorgiaGirl52

The rings are yours. Take them to a pawn shop and sell them. Use the cash to fund your freedom,

Yep, this. And get yourself another cream scone out of the ££ too.

Thank you everyone x

@Shoxfordian All of my family already know! They're all desperate for me to tell him to go as they know how unhappy I am. Also, they can't stand him. I have had initial advice from a solicitor, and not sure what my next steps are.

Thanks @ohfourfoxache I do need to know what should be on my list. I see so many time on here people saying you need to get your ducks in a row, but I just can't seem to get my head around what I need to do...

@CousinKrispy I am in counselling to find my confidence. I am so bloody soft and quiet, I just always let things slide. My counsellor says my biggest problem is that I am too nice.

@Sunshineandflipflops I can see why you would think it was an attempt to do something nice together, and I worry that I have been 'unreasonable' to say I didn't want to go, but I'm still not keen to go to a hot sweaty packed club. Also, when someone lazes around on the sofa every evening, never bothers playing out with the kids, antagonises you with endless politics on youtube, has neglected your needs for years, is generally inconsiderate, you wouldn't want to go out with him for a happy night out either....

I think what I need is to keep being reminded that it's ok to feel this way and to not back down and let it rumble on for another year. I keep seeing Christmas on the horizon, as well as all other events during the year, think it's the 'wrong time' to do it, and end up back to square one. We're supposed to be going to a caravan park next weekend - neither of us has mentioned it yet.

Tell your family and they’ll support you then; it’ll really help. Don’t go to the caravan, don’t stay with him, make your decision and stick to it

There's one thing you can do today then. You're not going, definitely, so contact the caravan park to cancel and see if any money can be recouped.

In that case, no I don't blame you but I would say the marriage is definitely over so good luck with moving forward (alone and happier).

Well done on making the decision and taking the first steps.

Ducks in a row: I would start with finding your documents - birth certificates, passports, mortgage docs etc as well as any work-related docs, contracts etc and make sure they're all in a safe place he doesn't have access to. Bank stuff - make sure you move your money into your own account and I would change your internet banking passwords as well to be on the safe side. Make sure to shut down any shared credit cards, store cards, online accounts etc. Just start thinking of what's the best way to protect my money and property from this person.

Tell him that it's over. Tell your solicitor to start divorce proceedings!

OP, you don't sound minor, silly or petty. It's the equivalent of death by 1000 cuts. Just that small chip, chip, chip every day.

And the day will come, where the last tiny chip is taken and you're done. It's not the scone, it's the thousand "scones" before it. I wish I could give you a hug, you're doing brilliantly.

I have the utmost respect for you being so self critical and aware, which a lot of us can't do. You recognise that you need to build up your confidence and that you let things slide, and you're already doing something about it. You're a stronger woman than you give yourself credit for.

It's hard when there's the other side who can say "I didn't really do anything" because whether they're gaslighting or just ignorant, the little chip, chip, chips in isolation really are nothing to mention. But it's the day in, day out, slowly grinding away until you've got nothing left, which is an awful way to live. Not that cheating is any better, but you can be in ignorant bliss one day, and in 24hrs after that discovery, marriage over. This has just been years and years of becoming gradually more miserable, and if anything, that's worse.

Once there's nothing left of your heart for him to chip away at, the longer you stay, he'll start to chip away at your soul.

You're doing amazingly and don't look back xxx

Ugh he sounds awful, get him scone!

Your dh needs to go and not come back. You deserve so much better and to be able to eat all the scones you want in peace

I haven't seen any of your previous posts but it sounds like you have finally come to a definite decision its over.
Perhaps the first thing to consider is living arrangements for the immediate future.
Depending on your circumstances that may be getting your husband to leave or finding somewhere else for you & kids to go - perhaps your family can help as it sounds like they are likely to be supportive.
Once you've done that just go to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings - no reason to delay now you've made the decision.

Good Luck

(It's scone!)

Ha ha ha OP I remember you, & am so glad you have reached the phase of laughing at how ridiculous your DH is.

As PP suggest, break your actions down into small steps, & make sure you have a really terrific lawyer on Team You.

I can't believe he even wants to tag along on your running, & bitches at you with a Straw Man argument when you express an entirely reasonable wish to run solo!

You & DC are going to be so much more content when you're no longer walking on eggshells around his sulks & manipulations.

I know how you feel!! I'm very passive but if anybody was to take one of my last Custard Doughnuts or egg custard tarts i swear I'd do a Kathy Bates from Misery and I'd hobble them!!

Sell the rings, then you can't put them back on. I'm glad that you have family support.
Well done on taking the first step.

I first went to a solicitor and a counsellor in Feb 2019. He has known how unhappy I am since Nov 2019. Yet I'm still going over and over it in my mind. Not that I can't decide what I want, more that I am trying to do what's best for everyone, and those things don't fit together.

I have no idea what to do about the caravan - I feel sick at the thought of going, and sick at the thought of not going. If we don't go, I know for a fact I will be bad guy of the century, as the caravan is always his 'treat.' He makes a song and dance about him being the one to book it and pay for it every year like some kind of hero.

Thanks for the hug @TwinsandTrifle Yes, I get "what have I done??!" if I ever mention anything, because it's always little niggly things. Every morning, EVERY morning, he goes to the wardrobe and kicks the bed on the way past, and then slams the wardrobe door. Things like that. Telly on too loud at night when me and the kids are in bed. It's like he has no capacity to learn...

Bless, it is never a rock that breaks the back but a feather. You know this relationship is dead so don't flog it, for your children's sake tell him to leave. Before you do photocopy or photograph bank and savings statements, pension, mortgage paperwork. Build a better life for you and your children, they don't need to live in such a cruel atmosphere. Does he give the children the silent treatment ? Good luck, those rings were draining you, keep them off and breathe easy x