He ate my cream scone and now my ring is off

[19Bears]

Definitely not a euphemism. Christ. As if that would ever happen.

It might sound minor, or silly, or petty, but it might just be the final straw that I've been waiting for.

I've lost count of how many times I've posted threads or commented on other similar threads, so some of you might know the back story. I'm too tired to go through it all again, but the latest in a long line of pathetic incidents is that he hasn't spoken to me since last Monday. All I did was for once in my life express my feelings and said no to going to a concert, and also said no I didn't want him to come out with me when I run and that it's something I want to do on my own. He responded with, "so you want to do everything on your own, do you?!" Live the rest of your life on your own, do you??!" Imagine an irate Frank Spencer. I just shrugged as if to say, sounds good to me. Because it is actually better and nicer when it's just me and the kids.

Anyway, last night I went to the fridge and noticed the cream scone that my friend at work had bought me was gone. (It's scone!) And the plastic container was on the bench next to the sink. I knew exactly what had happened. So when he came in the kitchen I asked if he'd thrown it out, he pretended not to hear so I asked again, and he said, "No, I ate it."

I felt like laughing. In fact, I did a bit. It's not the first time he's taken something he knows I was saving for later, silly things like half a can of pop, and at times completely denying it as if the kids had taken it or something. It's clearly not the fact I have missed out on my scone, it's that he never thinks to ask. It's pretty basic. So I just went up to sort the kids for bed, and took my wedding ring and engagement ring off and left them on the bathroom shelf. It's never been a proper marriage for years (no sex, for one example) and I see the rings as a trap, not an expression of love. No doubt when he realises I'm not wearing them he'll kick off. But I think I need to be strong now and say this is not what I want from life. He knows it himself deep down, but he's content to rumble on as he knows how I'm the kind of person who never wants to rock the boat.

So, if you can, please please MN ladies, help me keep the rings off and move forward. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirling plug hole, never quite flowing away.

I hope that makes sense somehow xx

Tell him you can go to the caravan or I will go but this marriage is not working and I do not want to go on holiday with you. If you can get your money back or use it then please do.

It's like he has no capacity to learn...

Sorry OP, but he has clear capacity to learn. How else would he manage in his 'ManJob'?

He has no capacity to care.

The things like the every-bloody-morning door-slamming, bed-kicking, & not giving a shit about his wife & kids' sleep when he has the telly too loud at night are exactly the kind of things PP was referring to when she wrote about "death by a 100- cream scones", aren't they?

The caravan - can you not pull out at the last minute, even with a mystery 'illness'? Would he take the kids without you, or even go on his own? Or would the effort of managing his displeasure outweigh your emotional cost of sucking up the bloody caravan weekend?

I bet he's never asked you if you like fucking caravanning, either.

Keep looking for the black humour in your situation, Bears. That, & the anger, will get you through this xx

Well done for taking the first step... now you just need to tell him! Good Luck, stick to your guns. Go and get the life you deserve.. one more caravan trip, one more christmas, it's going to happen regardless so do it now.

Well done you.
Is he likely to take the rings at all?
Will you need them to pawn/sell in future? Put them away if so.

Death my a thousand cuts and some very selfish behaviour.

Tell him you aren't going away with him and if he doesn't want to take the DC on his own then you will.

I'm sorry you are going through this and am hoping you find your inner voice (it needs to be LOUD) very very soon.

If my DH was eating stuff that he knew that was for me or that I was saving, I would be leaving stuff in the fridge or cupboard that looked like the real thing but not (thinking laxative chocolate) for starters. I'm sure others will come along with much better suggestions than I've got.

Childish I know, but he ate your Cream Scone that your friend bought you.....that's an under the patio crime in my house

@19Bears

Thank you everyone x

@Shoxfordian All of my family already know! They're all desperate for me to tell him to go as they know how unhappy I am. Also, they can't stand him. I have had initial advice from a solicitor, and not sure what my next steps are.

Thanks @ohfourfoxache I do need to know what should be on my list. I see so many time on here people saying you need to get your ducks in a row, but I just can't seem to get my head around what I need to do...

@CousinKrispy I am in counselling to find my confidence. I am so bloody soft and quiet, I just always let things slide. My counsellor says my biggest problem is that I am too nice.

@Sunshineandflipflops I can see why you would think it was an attempt to do something nice together, and I worry that I have been 'unreasonable' to say I didn't want to go, but I'm still not keen to go to a hot sweaty packed club. Also, when someone lazes around on the sofa every evening, never bothers playing out with the kids, antagonises you with endless politics on youtube, has neglected your needs for years, is generally inconsiderate, you wouldn't want to go out with him for a happy night out either....

I think what I need is to keep being reminded that it's ok to feel this way and to not back down and let it rumble on for another year. I keep seeing Christmas on the horizon, as well as all other events during the year, think it's the 'wrong time' to do it, and end up back to square one. We're supposed to be going to a caravan park next weekend - neither of us has mentioned it yet.

Ok. and this is coming from someone who has worked for a divorce lawyer.

You've had the initial conversation with a lawyer, now make an appointment to see one in person and take a friend/relative with you if need be.

If you keep seeing Christmas on the horizon then you will never divorce or get the ball rolling (Christmas by the way is apparently when most people split up and see divorce lawyers after the New Year) so you might as well start this sooner rather than later.

Make a list of what you need to do re getting your ducks in a row re the divorce, there are great people here who can help.

It is definitely ok to feel this way and to want out, even with kids etc. You know deep down in your heart you'd be better off apart and you think he feels the same way too. Divorce lawyers, on the whole, are very empathetic people, that's what they do, listen, but also take action to get the best outcome for you, re financial orders/court orders etc - I forget the names of them all. Just think in 2 years time, you won't be married to him anymore and you can move on with your life, but you can do it now, by e.g. asking him to leave etc.

If all your family know then tell them what you're doing, see above but keep the communication channels open with them.

Don't feel bad about in your gut actually wanting a divorce and not marriage guidance counselling or whatever, it's your life and you are the one in charge of it! Good luck and .

Can I just ask, if anyone knows, does he have the right to know what's in my own bank account? We have a joint account for mortgage and shopping, but each have our own accounts. I don't know what's in his, and he doesn't know what's in mine. My mum has given me some money in case I need it for whatever results from this, but he knows nothing about it obviously....

A friend inherited £10k got married and soon realised hubby was entitled to half of that when they split. My advice, withdraw the cash in small transactions and stash it where he won’t find it ASAP.

I would give it back to your Mum for safe keeping tbh. It's a marital asset whilst it's sat in your account.

It is never the right time to leave, there are always 1001 reasons to stay but it does get to the point where you have to leave for your own sanity and happiness. Ask your mum to look after that money and get out, you deserve to be happy.

They will look at the last 12 months of both bank accounts. Give it back to mum ASAP.

@Ivy48

A friend inherited £10k got married and soon realised hubby was entitled to half of that when they split. My advice, withdraw the cash in small transactions and stash it where he won’t find it ASAP.

Do this. Keep it rolled up with a hair tie round it in set amounts, say £500 per roll, put each roll inside a pair of rolled up socks. Or, envelopes with a certain amount in, in books or something that he’s unlikely to look in, or in the pocket of a backpack you can easily get to, keep it in the bottom of a wardrobe so it’s easily accessible but not obvious.

*The caravan - can you not pull out at the last minute, even with a mystery 'illness'? Would he take the kids without you, or even go on his own? Or would the effort of managing his displeasure outweigh your emotional cost of sucking up the bloody caravan weekend?

I bet he's never asked you if you like fucking caravanning, either.*

No @ChargingBuck it's a bloody exhausting faff-on!! Anticipating what to pack, preparatory washing, actually packing, travelling with kids who don't really want to go anyway, all the home jobs STILL TO BE DONE in a tin box instead of the house, entertaining / playing with kids while he sits with his feet up reading his Bad Boys of Brexit book....What a joy. Yet sucking up all of this is preferrable to his reaction to me saying we're not going. And no, I don't think he'd take the kids on his own. He's took them out maybe three or four times (and I'm talking the park or the local shopping centre) in their lives.

My blood boiled for you at the 'kicking the bed and slamming the wardrobe door every morning', and 'TV on too loud when the house is trying to sleep.'

Holy fucking moley, I could poke his eyes out for you, and I don't normally swear or feel violent.

Tiny tiny things, all the time, it sounds like drip torture.

The fact that a scone has pushed you over the edge just shows how frail the relationship had become.

Think of him as frail, it'll help. His 'partner' skills are weak and wobbly, and he doesn't even have the strength of self to admit it. He'd rather keep you in a state of mild insanity than admit fault. What kind of person does that?

I felt like laughing. In fact, I did a bit

I think this is acceptance. Before this comes irritation, bewilderment, denial, fury, bargaining etc. But laughter is an 'Oh, I give up!' action.

Hold on to the laugh. Laugh at his frailty. It's all it deserves.

Tell him you're not going give the DC the choice of going with him or staying at hone with you.

Hopefully he'll piss off without you. I week at home with the DC on your own sounds bliss!

@RandomMess He went away to his mum's for a week and I took the week off to mess about and have a laugh with the kids at home. It was like a wonderful holiday. Hard bloody work as ever with all the mam jobs, but such a bloody relief!

He could take his Mum with him

Thanks all for the money advice. I need to look into moving it somewhere else if that's the case. I'll ask my brother. The thing is, one of the reasons she gave me it is that she was getting close to the threshold where her pension credits would stop, and she wanted me to make use of it...

@TheFoundations You're not the only one who would happily poke his eyes out. Get in the queue! Ha ha!

You will at some point have to give bank statements for divorce.
. Get cash back on every shopping trip. Stash that.

At what point do bank statements come into it? At the start of the proceedings, six months on? I've no idea about any of this. Also, is it worth holding off on starting proceedings til next April when no fault divorce comes in - a much quicker process than waiting two years after separation????

You have enough grounds for unreasonable behaviour. It doesn't have to be "terrible" behaviour.

"He resents me having any time out the house on my own/own hobbies such as running and complains which makes me feel x x x x"

He doesn't pull his weight with housework so we don't have equal leisure time such as he has 4 hours free every evening, I only get one. This makes me feel xyz"

"He doesn't engage with the DC and won't take care of them on his own unless I have put them to bed, this makes me feel xyz and trapped in the house"

"He wakes me up every morning by x despite me asking him not to and it continues which makes me feel xyz"

@GeorgiaGirl52

The rings are yours. Take them to a pawn shop and sell them. Use the cash to fund your freedom,

Take them off but give them to a friend for safe keeping along with your paperwork and anything sentimental and photos of the kids etc everything they kids want to keep (baby outfits) start protecting your stuff