He ate my cream scone and now my ring is off

[19Bears]

Definitely not a euphemism. Christ. As if that would ever happen.

It might sound minor, or silly, or petty, but it might just be the final straw that I've been waiting for.

I've lost count of how many times I've posted threads or commented on other similar threads, so some of you might know the back story. I'm too tired to go through it all again, but the latest in a long line of pathetic incidents is that he hasn't spoken to me since last Monday. All I did was for once in my life express my feelings and said no to going to a concert, and also said no I didn't want him to come out with me when I run and that it's something I want to do on my own. He responded with, "so you want to do everything on your own, do you?!" Live the rest of your life on your own, do you??!" Imagine an irate Frank Spencer. I just shrugged as if to say, sounds good to me. Because it is actually better and nicer when it's just me and the kids.

Anyway, last night I went to the fridge and noticed the cream scone that my friend at work had bought me was gone. (It's scone!) And the plastic container was on the bench next to the sink. I knew exactly what had happened. So when he came in the kitchen I asked if he'd thrown it out, he pretended not to hear so I asked again, and he said, "No, I ate it."

I felt like laughing. In fact, I did a bit. It's not the first time he's taken something he knows I was saving for later, silly things like half a can of pop, and at times completely denying it as if the kids had taken it or something. It's clearly not the fact I have missed out on my scone, it's that he never thinks to ask. It's pretty basic. So I just went up to sort the kids for bed, and took my wedding ring and engagement ring off and left them on the bathroom shelf. It's never been a proper marriage for years (no sex, for one example) and I see the rings as a trap, not an expression of love. No doubt when he realises I'm not wearing them he'll kick off. But I think I need to be strong now and say this is not what I want from life. He knows it himself deep down, but he's content to rumble on as he knows how I'm the kind of person who never wants to rock the boat.

So, if you can, please please MN ladies, help me keep the rings off and move forward. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirling plug hole, never quite flowing away.

I hope that makes sense somehow xx

I caved and put the rings back on just as he was coming through the door last night. I know, I know. I just didn't want to deal with the hassle. I felt ridiculous putting them back on, giving in so easily. But I've taken them off again now. I'm at work, he's at home, I'll find out when I get home if he's noticed. I do agree with you @Brokeandtired3 that I need to be more direct and not just hope he notices things, but at times it feels insurmountably hard.

Keep composed. You've endured this long enough not to do anything rash now. Now it's just about being smart and focusing on the end goal.

Slowly get all the household and financial paperwork/copies of paperwork stored at your mum's. Take photos if needs be and store in private photo albums on your phone. Start withdrawing cash and store it somewhere he doesn't know about. He's taken enough from you already. He's shown how nasty and careless he is in day to day life. Now think how that person behaves when someone "dares" divorce them.

You get one life and it's not meant to be like that. How old are DC by the way? Xx

@19Bears you haven't caved. To be honest it makes not a jot of difference if you wear them every day until he's gone.

The difference is knowing you're making your exit, and him being unaware for as long as possible may well be the smartest way to do that. What's the point in bickering with this man over rings, in the scheme of things.

Don't tell him it is over until you have found and copied every single piece of legal and financial paperwork in the house. This is really, really important.

Sorry to ask again, but what exactly do I need in terms of paperwork? I've got the mortgage statement, my own bank statements, marriage certificate. What do I need of his? He has various pensions, but I've no idea what's in them, and I don't even want them anyway. He is on a lower salary than me, I can look after myself. Thank you x

@19Bears

I caved and put the rings back on just as he was coming through the door last night. I know, I know. I just didn't want to deal with the hassle. I felt ridiculous putting them back on, giving in so easily. But I've taken them off again now. I'm at work, he's at home, I'll find out when I get home if he's noticed. I do agree with you *@Brokeandtired3* that I need to be more direct and not just hope he notices things, but at times it feels insurmountably hard.

Bears, not dealing with the hassle is EXACTLY what you should be aiming for right now.

Keep your head down, don't draw attention to yourself, don't give him any cause to suspect that you are considering LTB.

You've got to get through the bloody caravanning weekend, you don't need him being extra-vile throughout that, at close quarters.

Keep your powder dry until you have a very clear picture of how your life could look financially, legally, & geographically, via some expert advice & handholding from a hotshot lawyer. It's worth biding your time until you find that person - the right one for you will give you so much confidence & reassurance.

Save the directness for when you are ready to make your break.
Until then - what's the point?
(Venal note - you don't want him squirrelling away assets if he suspects you are going divorce him. You also need time to ensure you have copies of as much of his financial info as you can find - extra accounts, pensions, bonds etc)

You have enough aggro going on inside you right now, no need to invite more into your external space xx

He has various pensions, but I've no idea what's in them, and I don't even want them anyway. He is on a lower salary than me, I can look after myself.

Sorry, I'd be thinking quite ruthlessly. Expect him to be making a claim on your salary. So don't "gift" him his pension on top of that.

He has various pensions, but I've no idea what's in them, and I don't even want them anyway. He is on a lower salary than me, I can look after myself. Thank you x

Be sure that's not some kind of 'engrained subordinate' stuff going on before you make that decision dear Bears. Or guilt-tripping yourself about how Naughty you are to want to exit this dead marriage.

You've put far more into this marriage than he has, & those pensions are future income you have helped create. Although you earn more now, you need disclosure about the pensions - they could be way more valuable than your own, & should be split fairly.

It's not about not "needing" the money - think about how much of it you will be able to re-allocate to the DC at their various life stages, then compare it with how much your DH would send their way, if you didn't ensure that family assets are fairly shared. I doubt that a man who fails to notice that his own child's face has blown up so severely he needs A&E will be generous to them financially.

Yup @TwinsandTrifle is correct. Ruthless can be your new internal mantra OP.

If you waver, remember your little boy's ballooon face, the bed-kicking every morning charade, the cream scone, the stonewalling ...

Believe me, DH will be ruthless once you pull the plug. Quite likely spiteful, head-fucking & spanner-throwing as well.

Every penny you take out of this marriage is another penny for your DC.

@beastlyslumber

Well done on making the decision and taking the first steps.

Ducks in a row: I would start with finding your documents - birth certificates, passports, mortgage docs etc as well as any work-related docs, contracts etc and make sure they're all in a safe place he doesn't have access to. Bank stuff - make sure you move your money into your own account and I would change your internet banking passwords as well to be on the safe side. Make sure to shut down any shared credit cards, store cards, online accounts etc. Just start thinking of what's the best way to protect my money and property from this person.

Tell him that it's over. Tell your solicitor to start divorce proceedings!

This. Sort out the money before you do anything . A man who will steal your cream scone will also clear out your / your kids savings etc.

Thanks again everyone xxx Just quickly as I'm at work, I can literally only find one local solicitor who even has space for new clients. Go with him or wait til I can have more choice??!

When I said 'go with him' I mean, go with that solicitor (who is a man), not dh (who bloody isn't.)

Bloody Haven right now sending me text messages to remind me "You're going on holiday!!"

When I took my rings off op it took my dh 6 weeks to notice. Left them on the kitchen windowsill then they disappeared.. He never mentioned them. Presumably sold them.
You can Ltb op. You absolutely will find your big girls pants.

19Bears have you been to Women's Aid? This 'man' is abusing you, WA would be able to give you all the answers to your questions and recommend a solicitor who specialises in your type of situation.

It might sound dramatic to some, thinking of it as abuse, but all the little things like kicking the bed and having the TV too loud when you and the children have gone to bed, eating your scone - these are all things designed to make annoy/upset you and show you that he has priority over you. Along with texting you to remind you "You're going on holiday" when he knows fine none of you want to be there. Also you putting the rings back on your finger because you're anxious about his reaction - WA are there for you

Please don't go on the holiday if you don't want to.

Is it possible he's ready Thai or heard you say that you don't want to?

@ChargingBuck okay ...calm down

@ChargingBuck that's your perspective on things. From what op said she went to a solicitor back in 2019 so two years ago. She has gone through some sort of motions about leaving him, tried to get her "ducks in line" but faltered.

Sometimes life is as simple or as hard as you make it. And that's from a ftm that is homeless. You just have to take the plunge. These mental preparations are great but overall are meaningless if she doesnt just leave.

@19Bears so he has been giving you the silent treatment for about 10 days and is now ordering you to go on holiday with him to a confined space and play happy families? Unbelievable. He certainly thinks he can do what he wants and you are just expected to carry on as normal.
I'm not good with confrontation and conflict which I think stems from my childhood with parents arguing all the time so know how you feel about not rocking the boat. This applies to work and other situations as well, I need to do something about it.

@Shoxfordian

Take some positive next steps Speak to a lawyer Tell him your marriage is over Speak to your friends and family Be very kind to yourself

yes...

good luck 🌸

OP

Please don’t go on the «holidays».
Just absent yourself, go to a friend, relative anything.

[quote Brokeandtired3]@ChargingBuck that's your perspective on things. From what op said she went to a solicitor back in 2019 so two years ago. She has gone through some sort of motions about leaving him, tried to get her "ducks in line" but faltered.

Sometimes life is as simple or as hard as you make it. And that's from a ftm that is homeless. You just have to take the plunge. These mental preparations are great but overall are meaningless if she doesnt just leave.[/quote]
It's also the perspective of any professional working in the domestic abuse aid sector, who know the facts, such as that it can take up to 7 attempts for the victim to finally manage leaving the family home/relationship for good.

There are complex reasons behind this, & urging someone to just buck up & get on with it is not one of the methods that help women leave abusive men any faster.

@Brokeandtired3

Sometimes life is as simple or as hard as you make it. And that's from a ftm that is homeless. You just have to take the plunge. These mental preparations are great but overall are meaningless if she doesnt just leave

You fully don't understand. 'Just do it' isn't good advice in this situation.

@ChargingBuck I wouldn't usually have this approach but even the OP admitted that she has been on her plenty times before for the same reason... that being her husband.

So maybe it is time now to make that final push. She has done the legal side of things and been through enough crap by him. Any time longer spent in this situation is unnecessary and keeps her being vulnerable and susceptible to his crap.

I know what I'm talking about. I dont need to be a "professional" to know. I watched my mum leave an abusive relationship, two of my sisters and my self. Thanks.

I know what I'm talking about. I dont need to be a "professional" to know. I watched my mum leave an abusive relationship, two of my sisters and my self. Thanks

Then you understand your family's way of dealing with their situations. That's not a broad understanding of the topic, unless you think all families are the same as yours.