He ate my cream scone and now my ring is off

[19Bears]

Definitely not a euphemism. Christ. As if that would ever happen.

It might sound minor, or silly, or petty, but it might just be the final straw that I've been waiting for.

I've lost count of how many times I've posted threads or commented on other similar threads, so some of you might know the back story. I'm too tired to go through it all again, but the latest in a long line of pathetic incidents is that he hasn't spoken to me since last Monday. All I did was for once in my life express my feelings and said no to going to a concert, and also said no I didn't want him to come out with me when I run and that it's something I want to do on my own. He responded with, "so you want to do everything on your own, do you?!" Live the rest of your life on your own, do you??!" Imagine an irate Frank Spencer. I just shrugged as if to say, sounds good to me. Because it is actually better and nicer when it's just me and the kids.

Anyway, last night I went to the fridge and noticed the cream scone that my friend at work had bought me was gone. (It's scone!) And the plastic container was on the bench next to the sink. I knew exactly what had happened. So when he came in the kitchen I asked if he'd thrown it out, he pretended not to hear so I asked again, and he said, "No, I ate it."

I felt like laughing. In fact, I did a bit. It's not the first time he's taken something he knows I was saving for later, silly things like half a can of pop, and at times completely denying it as if the kids had taken it or something. It's clearly not the fact I have missed out on my scone, it's that he never thinks to ask. It's pretty basic. So I just went up to sort the kids for bed, and took my wedding ring and engagement ring off and left them on the bathroom shelf. It's never been a proper marriage for years (no sex, for one example) and I see the rings as a trap, not an expression of love. No doubt when he realises I'm not wearing them he'll kick off. But I think I need to be strong now and say this is not what I want from life. He knows it himself deep down, but he's content to rumble on as he knows how I'm the kind of person who never wants to rock the boat.

So, if you can, please please MN ladies, help me keep the rings off and move forward. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirling plug hole, never quite flowing away.

I hope that makes sense somehow xx

Gordon Bennett at your caravan update Bear. Somehow I knew it was a pain in the arse for you, & all about him & his wants.

But - as well as the larger financial & court aspect - you need to be talking to an expert lawyer about things like this -

He's took them out maybe three or four times (and I'm talking the park or the local shopping centre) in their lives.

• because it is excellent ammunition against any attempt he makes to delay/mess up divorce proceedings by pretending he wants 50/50 or heaven forbid primary resident parent status.

I know it seems an unlikely thing for him to want on the surface, but a lot of these selfish, sulky, angry types use the kids as negotiating pawns & punishment vehicles when divorcing. Not because they want the kids, but because they want to exert power & continue their emotional abuse.

Please also be very direct with your lawyer about that £100k.
As your account can be looked into, you don't want to have to handle any accusations of you attempting to hide assets or that you are seeking to cause him financial detriment.
There may be a way round it, but be careful, as transferring it back to your mum may not look good - however, I'm not a lawyer! - so get specific advice for your situation & country.

You might also want to do some quiet digging into his personal finances, pensions, extra accounts etc. Information is power, especially at this stage, i.e. before he is aware that you are considering pulling the plug.

If he says he wants 50:50 do the "that's great there is so much I want to do hobbies, start dating, weekends away." Watch him drop that one fast!

Ooops, sorry Bears, I am confusing you with another OP elsewhere re: £100k. It got conflated in my mind with your mum helping you out with a sum you are keeping in your own account, apologies for confusing the issue.

Ha ha, if only it was £100k @ChargingBuck yes I saw that post too

It was a rotting vegetable and all it symbolised that was the last straw in my marriage. Your ringless future is bright, I promise!

@RandomMess yes those are all good reasons. When the solicitor asked about what grounds I would have I gave him almost exactly these and he said it was more than enough.

Gordon Bennett at your caravan update Bear. Somehow I knew it was a pain in the arse for you, & all about him & his wants.
Yep @ChargingBuck it is what he wants. And he plays on it all year as if he's book a luxury fortnight in Santorini for us, not three days freezing in Berwick. Anyway, he couldn't book us any kind of holiday abroad as he hasn't had a passport for the past few years seeing as he's waiting for the blue Brexit ones.........

"It's clearly not the fact I have missed out on my scone, it's that he never thinks to ask."

It's not even that. He took your scone to punish you. It wasn't thoughtlessness on his part, it was a very deliberate act. You said in your OP that he hadn't spoken to you since last Monday. I'm thinking he decided you weren't upset at all enough by him withdrawing his no doubt scintillating conversation from you, saw the scone and took his opportunity to spoil that small pleasure for you.

What. A. Prick.

So keep that in mind should you waver @19Bears. It's not enough for him to bring no pleasure to your life, he actively seeks to remove any pleasure from it. Keep those rings off!

Berwick in the cold 🥶

I would be too ill to go and send him off on his own!

Anyway, he couldn't book us any kind of holiday abroad as he hasn't had a passport for the past few years seeing as he's waiting for the blue Brexit ones.........

OMFG OP. Seriously time to get your ass in gear.

"It's clearly not the fact I have missed out on my scone, it's that he never thinks to ask."

It's not even that. He took your scone to punish you. It wasn't thoughtlessness on his part, it was a very deliberate act. You said in your OP that he hadn't spoken to you since last Monday. I'm thinking he decided you weren't upset at all enough by him withdrawing his no doubt scintillating conversation from you, saw the scone and took his opportunity to spoil that small pleasure for you.

What. A. Prick.

So keep that in mind should you waver @19Bears. It's not enough for him to bring no pleasure to your life, he actively seeks to remove any pleasure from it. Keep those rings off!

Jesus Christ. This.

You are right @WhereYouLeftIt I think it is deliberate. A few months ago he decided he wanted to buy an armchair to go under the stairs, so he tidied away quite a lot of toys to make enough space. I came downstairs, unaware of this plan and noticed my youngest DC's cardboard castle wasn't there, the one he'd made for a school competition, and I had made amazing little flags for. So I asked where it was, hoping he'd put it away somewhere, and he said, "Gone. I need the space." I was really furious, and sad. Then he made it worse after I said I wouldn't throw any of his stuff away without at least asking and he said, "well you threw my hair dye out. That cost me seven quid." Ok then. And then after that, he went on to show me pictures of the bloody chair he wanted, and asked me to help him set up a gumtree account.
Since that I've barely been able to look at him. The git.

I remember the castle event

Anyway, he couldn't book us any kind of holiday abroad as he hasn't had a passport for the past few years seeing as he's waiting for the blue Brexit ones.........

@19Bears I’d divorce for that bullshit alone. The castle incident is terrible and heartbreaking.

And I'm f*ing hot as well, FFS!!!! Argh!!!! As soon as I escape I am having a million shags!!!! Aaaaaarghhh!!!!

@19Bears

And I'm f*ing hot as well, FFS!!!! Argh!!!! As soon as I escape I am having a million shags!!!! Aaaaaarghhh!!!!

Haha! Like your style and your confidence!

@JingsMahBucket I haven't told anyone in my family about the castle. They'd kill him. Poor littlest DC, he's never mentioned it - he doesn't want to make his dad feel bad, but I know he's sad it's gone. You know sometimes I think, ah, maybe I'm being unfair, I'm overreacting, I'm only telling one side of the story.... Then I read back through this and realise.

Good for you! He has a pattern of disrespect and then plays the victim - no wonder you dont want to have sex with him! He has the capacity to learn, he just gets a kick out of messing with people.. You took off the rings - your have lost the ball and chain!

@19Bears

Can I just ask, if anyone knows, does he have the right to know what's in my own bank account? We have a joint account for mortgage and shopping, but each have our own accounts. I don't know what's in his, and he doesn't know what's in mine. My mum has given me some money in case I need it for whatever results from this, but he knows nothing about it obviously....

Not at this stage, but when you're working out the financial split and who gets what all assets and debts including bank account balances have to be declared. You can use it between now and then to say move house or as a rental deposit or to buy whitegoods and that's all fine, it's just what's left that would be declared then.

Aw the castle incident alone is heartbreaking for you and DC

It is deliberate and most incidents are calculated to tread the fine line of explainable. The pattern it makes over the years can be shocking when you finally see it for what it is.

Keep strong OP, I wrote stuff down and it really helped in my moments of uncertainty to be able to read back all the horrible little things he was doing.

It's passive aggressive behaviour if you want to name it (having a name for it was my lightbulb moment) and there's lots of informative stuff on previous threads if you use that as an advance search term.

Am I missing something here? Why dont you just leave him instead of making a statement by taking off your rings and waiting for him to realise

@19Bears I read your posts on another thread where the OP's partner was sulking up the stairs as well.
My DH can be moody, he ignored me for a few days years ago for something that was mainly my fault, despite me apologising. Eventually I said if it's so awful being in the same house as me then just leave. I think that gave him a shock, he hasn't done it again. He doesn't have much family and there would be nowhere for him to to go. He knows he's got a good thing with the kids and I.
The difference is- he works hard, he's always been very hands on with the kids, we work opposite shifts so he has the kids on his own a lot. He does things without asking like cleaning and DIY. I am a bit of a hoarder whereas he hates clutter and would throw everything out but he wouldn't dare throw out anything without checking with me.
I get sentimental and emotional about the kids stuff when they were little as it brings back memories of that time when they were little, so don't want to throw them out. It's really upsetting reading about how he just discarded your DC child's homemade castle that you helped to build. I could never forgive that.
Stay strong OP, deserve a lovely life.

You deserve a lovely life.

@Brokeandtired3

Am I missing something here? Why dont you just leave him instead of making a statement by taking off your rings and waiting for him to realise

Missing something - you reckon?

How about OP's life isn't a Netflix series, with neat little plot turns all resolved in 40 minutes flat for our entertainment?

Or that leaving a long term marriage with an obscene power balance takes a hell of a lot of psychological strength, & logistic & legal planning?

Or that the removed rings are a symbol of OP's freedom, & for her, a nudge toward her end goal (which won't be accelerated by PP jeering "LTB", as if that could be accomplished by simply walking out of the door)?

I do need to write all of this down, @WhoIsPepeSilva It goes back years, and some of it I've forgotten all about til now when I'm really thinking about it. Even the day he was looking after our youngest and came to pick me up from work, I got in the car beside him and his little face had blown up like a balloon and he couldn't speak. He just looked at me as if to say, "mammy, there's something really wrong." I was so shocked and worried obviously, and asked dh how long he'd been like this. "Like what?" he said........... Rushed him straight to A&E and we didn't leave for 5 days. Idiot.