What on earth do I bloody do? 😢😢😢😢

[Moanyponey]

Was at at meeting out of town today, went for lunch in a wine bar with a girl friend and whilst there saw my father in law with another woman. We were on the balcony looking down and father - in-law was below us defiantly lovey-dovey 'arms around her' with another woman😬.. He was supposed to be in a meeting in another town. Feeling so sick 😢

I find it equally incredible that so many people feel they must wade in to other people's lives.

Say nothing! Trust me on this. The bearer of bad news is always the one who gets shot. Keep quiet. You will not be thanked.

I would definitely tell DH and leave it to him as to whether he tells MIL. Shitty situation. Hope you're ok

I would not get involved, don't say anything. It's their business not yours.

I’d never evade telling the truth to my husband and say nothing. And I’d be livid if my husband had to me. And what kind of person can go on holiday with someone cheating on his wife and play happy families as though nothing was wrong??

My ex cheated on me. It hurt so much realising that people had known and not told me. Those people are not my friends nowadays…

I would say absolutely nothing.

The longer I have been around, the more I realise that the only two people who really know what's going on in their relationship are the two people who are actually in the relationship. Relationships are very complicated. For all the OP knows, her MIL has long since gone off sex and has agreed to her husband's dalliances so long as they remain dalliances. This may not even be expressed openly.

And let's say MIL doesn't know, and it's a complete shock to her. How would she benefit from finding out? For an awful lot of couples, there comes a point where separating would be more costly (emotionally and financially) than it would be worth. Would your MIL be better or worse off for your intervention?

I would say just don't go there. Keep what you saw to yourself.

I couldn't keep this from my partner and would be very hurt if he kept it from me. You're doing the right thing to tell DH.

Don’t involve yourself, OP
They’ll just hold it against you for spilling the beans.
Horrible predicament to be in

It might be 'smart' to say nothing. But it's not right.

You're supposed to grow into the best version of yourself with age, not simply gain wisdom. People here saying she shouldn't say anything: it's sad that for all the life you've lived and wisdom you have accumulated, you are still incapable of doing what is right for your fellow man.

What a shitty thing for you to deal with.

FWIW I thin you’re doing the right thing by telling your DH. I certainly couldn’t go on holiday and pretend everything was okay.

Why would it be right to spill the beans, pinkbonbon?

It might make you feel better as it gets it off your conscience and makes you the 'morally good' person, as you're not keeping a horrible secret from a fellow woman.

However: being 'moral' also means thinking about the potential effect on the person you're telling. Okay, so you feel good, having offloaded this pile of shit. But how does the recipient feel? What's she supposed to do with this knowledge? If she's a MIL, I'm assuming she isn't 30 and in a position to go off and remarry and have children with someone who doesn't smooch with his younger girlfriend in public. So what would be achieved? Would she then feel that she had to leave him, because you had made a private problem public? There's too much here that goes beyond the remit of telling/not telling.

On that basis, I would sit on the information.

I would tell your DH, or even just tell your MIL directly. I can't quite believe PP who say to leave it alone and say nothing. What an awful thing to keep to yourself.

Also wondering how you know FIL was meant to be in a meeting in another town??

To be honest I wouldn't say anything. It's always the messenger that comes out the worst. Your mil might already know but is happy ymto go along with it to keep her marriage going. You could open a big can of worms. I've seen this happening before. It's not your business to say anything.

I couldn't keep this to myself. What s horrible position to be in

I think I'd speak to DH.

I wouldn't be able to keep something like that from him.

It's also entirely possible that as an older couple they simply have an open arrangement where they see other people. It's much more common than you'd think. It might turn out that it's not an affair at all.

@Moanyponey

Hope I am doing the right thing.. Its a awful situation to be in.. My husband will be devisated for his mum 😢 she is such a lovely woman.. FIL has had an affair before... years ago before I got with my husband (mil told me) .. a long time ago.. mil forgive him and honestly me looking in.. there marriage seemed to be rock solid

Your MIL told you that ? Seems a bit personal

@ItsReallyOnlyMe

Can you tell MIL anonymously?

Letter through door ?

This is cowardly. Say it and own it, or don't say anything.

Good luck OP XX

Good luck xx

i would tell your DH too, and let him deal with it.

awful situation to be in

@Block

Why would it be right to spill the beans, pinkbonbon?

It might make you feel better as it gets it off your conscience and makes you the 'morally good' person, as you're not keeping a horrible secret from a fellow woman.

However: being 'moral' also means thinking about the potential effect on the person you're telling. Okay, so you feel good, having offloaded this pile of shit. But how does the recipient feel? What's she supposed to do with this knowledge? If she's a MIL, I'm assuming she isn't 30 and in a position to go off and remarry and have children with someone who doesn't smooch with his younger girlfriend in public. So what would be achieved? Would she then feel that she had to leave him, because you had made a private problem public? There's too much here that goes beyond the remit of telling/not telling.

On that basis, I would sit on the information.

Where did I say anything about easing a concience?

You do it because it is the moral right thing to do. Whether it makes you feel better or worse is irrelevant.

Yes, it arguably puts the burden of choice onto the partner of the cheat. But she has a right to have that choice.

Life choices aren't always easy, nor is doing the right thing. But it doesn't mean we should sit in a box with our fingers in our ears and force others to do the same due to lack of information that we could readily give.

@PermanentTemporary

I find it equally incredible that so many people feel they must wade in to other people's lives.

I find it unbelievable that some people would be ok that their partners decided not to tell them something this important.

Wouldn't you want to know?? @PermanentTemporary

I disagree, @Pinkbonbon

Sometimes - and not always - the moral thing to do is to keep quiet, even if that feels uncomfortable and horrible.

Morality isn't quite as clear cut as some on MN would have it.

@Block

I would say absolutely nothing.

The longer I have been around, the more I realise that the only two people who really know what's going on in their relationship are the two people who are actually in the relationship. Relationships are very complicated. For all the OP knows, her MIL has long since gone off sex and has agreed to her husband's dalliances so long as they remain dalliances. This may not even be expressed openly.

And let's say MIL doesn't know, and it's a complete shock to her. How would she benefit from finding out? For an awful lot of couples, there comes a point where separating would be more costly (emotionally and financially) than it would be worth. Would your MIL be better or worse off for your intervention?

I would say just don't go there. Keep what you saw to yourself.

Yes I agree with this

I lost a close friend by telling her that her husband was having an affair. I would never tell anyone again , your MIL might forgive him and stay with him and your relationship with her would probably never be the same.