Cocklodger or bad communication?

[ApplepieSnapplepie]

I've been seeing someone for a few months and as it's long distance we spend 3-4 nights together at a time. Due to work commitments this is always at mine. He is pretty tight with money in general (which is his prerogative/personality) and we usually take turns paying for things like drinks or meals out, all though I often feel that I end up paying more than him. E.g he'll pay for the drinks in a pub (maybe £15) and then I pay for the meal (maybe £35). Not sure if this is intentional on his part.

When he comes to stay at mine I am the one buying all the groceries, cooking the meals, getting snacks for us etc, and this is starting to irritate me. As I want us to have a nice weekend I pick up treats and nice things that I know we both like and he sometimes asks me to get him some beers (he has a few in the evenings, I don't) which I do. On one occasion he brought a bottle of wine when he came over (of which I probably got one glass). But usually he turns up empty handed or with beers that only he drinks.

He'll sometimes pop to the shop and get himself some beers and some snacks that he likes. He knows I don't drink beer but doesn't pick up a bottle of wine or anything else that I might like/that we could share.

It irritates me that I am thinking of him/us when I shop for the weekend, pick up snacks, cook meals that he will like. But he doesn't reciprocate. He never offers to get us a takeaway and he doesn't offer to pay for the meal if we go out. The weekends end up costing me lots of money (and I don't have much spare, as a single parent) as he also eats at least three times as much as I do and I'm doing lot's of trips to supermarket to top up.

I don't know if it's me, that I need to communicate this to him somehow, ask him to contribute? It feels like such an awkward subject and I would never ask a one off house guest to contribute (though most people I know would bring a bottle of wine). However, I would personally not expect to stay at someones house regularly and not bring something/offer to pay for some stuff or order in a takeaway.

Can this be resolved with good communication from me or is he just a cocklodger and this is indicative of future issues?

If it matters: he earns similar salary to me (slightly higher) but has significantly lower living costs).

He's an out-and-out cocklodger. I bet if you spoke to any of his previous partners they'd tell you the same story. He's a selfish bastard. Of course he's aware that he spent £15 and you spent £35. Of course he's aware that it costs you a lot whenever he visits. People like this are more aware than most of the cost of everything.

Think of it this way. You have children and are a single mum. You are giving him money (in the form of food and drink) that should be going to you and your children.

I would dump this one asap.

Skinflint cocklodger. Get rid, people like this never change.

It doesn't really matter which. Either way, he's getting on your nerves after a few months, purely by being himself.

If communication doesn't come naturally, you're not a good match. You seem to think that changing yourself is a way to stop him pissing you off. Careful with that.

Cocklodger

He knows what he is doing. He doesn’t care enough to change. Does he cook and clean at yours?? I’d be expecting that too, given you always stay at your place.

You know the answer to this - it’s not miscommunication. Decent, fair people don’t need good communication or reminders to be decent, they just are. You’re one of them and he is not in your league.

You don’t his permission or understanding to break up with him either. He’s not owed an explanation and if you try to give him one he’ll say the usual ‘if you’d told me I would have, how was I supposed to know bla bla bla’. It’s not working for you, end of

That's not early onset cocklodging. That's a well practiced, experience cocklodger.

Going to the shop to get more beer for him after he's drunk all your beer, but getting you nothing? That's not miscommunication, that's selfishness.

I wouldn't communicate my frustrations to him, I would just end it.
In all honesty I'm a huge fan of open and honest communication but in this instance you aren't his parent and therefore it isn't your responsibility to teach him general manners and common courteosy.
A fully grown adult should know that if you stay with someone for nearly half the week the financial contribution should be equal, you should not have to ask.
I'm 100% up for both parties paying their fair share, I've never been a woman who expects dinner bought for me just because I'm a woman. But in this instance that isn't happening, he's absolutely taking the piss.
He is happy to ask you to pick him up some beers but when he goes to the shop he comes back with just his stuff. That says it all in my book.
On that basis I would end it.
On the other hand if you're more tolerant, reay like him, or would prefer to give him a chance to change I would do the below.
If possible spend an equal amount of time at his, he pays at his you pay at yours.
If not possible stop buying stuff for you both. Do your normal grocery shop and when he comes to you for his visit go shopping together for everything you both need or want. You get to checkout and split it 50/50.
When you go out you say I'll get the drinks this time as you got them last time. I mean what is he going to do kick off because you've politely offered to alternate the bills, or object to paying half of the weekend food/snack/drink bill. If so you have your answer don't you.

God, I know that you are all right... It's just so depressing, when you finally meet someone and then you realise that they are just happy to take advantage of you. I've been feeling this in my gut for the past few weeks but didn't want to face up to it.

I sometimes tend to find fault in men that show interest in me, as a way of protecting myself from getting hurt, so I wasn't sure if this is me not giving him/the relationship a chance. But then I find myself dreading things like a meal out because of the issue of who will pay and how much is this going to end up costing me, and I certainly don't need another adult to look after in my life.

@DileenODoubts

You know the answer to this - it’s not miscommunication. Decent, fair people don’t need good communication or reminders to be decent, they just are. You’re one of them and he is not in your league.

Thanks Dileen, that's a really nice comment. I needed to read that!

I sometimes tend to find fault in men that show interest in me, as a way of protecting myself from getting hurt

But that's a good thing.

If he means a lot to you then raise the subject and give him a chance to sort his mistakes.

Perhaps he’s not tight he’s skint? Doesn’t earn much?Or has a bunch of child maintenance to pay out? Or has a secret gambling addiction? Or is paying double mortgage payments to retire early? Who knows.

If it were me I’d be saying that if you’re going to stay here and share my food it’s only fair that you share the food bills too. So how about one week I pay for the shopping that we both eat and the next you do? Same with meals and takeaways - and I’m not trying to pull a fast one and have you paying for other expenses or anything, just what you eat? What would you suggest is fair? I can’t subsidise you as I can’t afford it. I wouldn’t ask if I could.

If it becomes awkward in any way dump and move on.

If you’re not up for that convo skip straight to dump and move on.

What strikes me OP is this is the early stages of a new relationship and he automatically behaves as if you should be looking after his needs and he doesn't have to look after yours.
It's one of those red flags they talk about on here. A big fat one.

@Elieza

If he means a lot to you then raise the subject and give him a chance to sort his mistakes.

Perhaps he’s not tight he’s skint? Doesn’t earn much?Or has a bunch of child maintenance to pay out? Or has a secret gambling addiction? Or is paying double mortgage payments to retire early? Who knows.

If it were me I’d be saying that if you’re going to stay here and share my food it’s only fair that you share the food bills too. So how about one week I pay for the shopping that we both eat and the next you do? Same with meals and takeaways - and I’m not trying to pull a fast one and have you paying for other expenses or anything, just what you eat? What would you suggest is fair? I can’t subsidise you as I can’t afford it. I wouldn’t ask if I could.

If it becomes awkward in any way dump and move on.

If you’re not up for that convo skip straight to dump and move on.

He definitely has more disposable income than I do, though he is isn't wealthy my any means. The thing is more so that he is very tight and hates spending anything more than he absolutely has to, he admits this. I spent one weekend at his and his fridge was empty, he kept saying "Oh I'll go and do a shop soon" but it never materialised. He got the bare necessities from the local shop and we lived on student style meals over the weekend (except for one meal out, which I paid for).

But that's a good suggestion re agreeing to share the food bills.

@Anordinarymum

What strikes me OP is this is the early stages of a new relationship and he automatically behaves as if you should be looking after his needs and he doesn't have to look after yours. It's one of those red flags they talk about on here. A big fat one.

This is what I worry about. That it indicates being selfish in nature...

Experienced cockdodger.
So unattractive.

@goldshade

Experienced cockdodger. So unattractive.

It really is! i fancied him so much in the beginning, but this weekend I started to feel dead from the waist down just because I find the stinginess such a turn off.

he is very tight and hates spending anything more than he absolutely has to, he admits this. I spent one weekend at his and his fridge was empty, he kept saying "Oh I'll go and do a shop soon" but it never materialised. He got the bare necessities from the local shop and we lived on student style meals over the weekend (except for one meal out, which I paid for).

Given he tells you he is tight, how could it just be an issue in communication ?

There are couples who are both like this, who are very happy together. It is not how I want to live. it wouldn't work for me.

Generosity is an important value for me.

Doesn’t sound balanced at all, mainly because you mention he doesn’t think about your wants when he shops.

Being able to discuss money is a key part of a successful long term relationship. You should be able to communicate about sharing costs. That should include any significant travel costs. When DH and I were long distance those were very high so needed to be included in the equation.

@FinallyHere I suppose you are right.

I guess I though a person could be both tight and fair. My ex was a massive over spender, always in debt and that was really stressful. So the fact that he is careful with money I though wasn't necessarily a bad trait. But I didn't think that meant using other people to pay for you...

@Driftingblue

Doesn’t sound balanced at all, mainly because you mention he doesn’t think about your wants when he shops.

Being able to discuss money is a key part of a successful long term relationship. You should be able to communicate about sharing costs. That should include any significant travel costs. When DH and I were long distance those were very high so needed to be included in the equation.

Yes, you are right, travelling costs need to be taken in to consideration. However, he actually saves on travel by staying at mine when he is working in London, that's the reason we are always at mine.

@ApplepieSnapplepie How I recognise that tendency to discount the seriousness of traits that are the opposite to those from a previous bad relationship.

Meanwhile, I'd throw this one back.

You need to be more aware of your own value.

This is going to be your entire future with him.

Walk away and demand better for yourself

I could have written this, almost word for word. Did you meet online? I had a brief relationship with someone similar. Take, take, take. Left me infuriated, feeling really cross & I lost respect. Being a skinflint is such an unattractive trait. Bin him. It’s so disrespectful to you.

Oh God no. What are his good points?

Like others have said, people like this never change. You need to get rid, and really work on your boundaries.

It strikes me that a certain type of cocklodger often seems to pair with single mums, and I wonder if there is some sort of underlying misogyny and entitlement going on because they somehow think you should feel lucky to have them in your life at all, and possibly resent the time and money you put into your children, and your link to another man. So they can justify all the take take take that goes on, when actually they are just a selfish bastard not worthy of any woman.