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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cocklodger or bad communication?

108 replies

ApplepieSnapplepie · 20/09/2021 12:01

I've been seeing someone for a few months and as it's long distance we spend 3-4 nights together at a time. Due to work commitments this is always at mine. He is pretty tight with money in general (which is his prerogative/personality) and we usually take turns paying for things like drinks or meals out, all though I often feel that I end up paying more than him. E.g he'll pay for the drinks in a pub (maybe £15) and then I pay for the meal (maybe £35). Not sure if this is intentional on his part.

When he comes to stay at mine I am the one buying all the groceries, cooking the meals, getting snacks for us etc, and this is starting to irritate me. As I want us to have a nice weekend I pick up treats and nice things that I know we both like and he sometimes asks me to get him some beers (he has a few in the evenings, I don't) which I do. On one occasion he brought a bottle of wine when he came over (of which I probably got one glass). But usually he turns up empty handed or with beers that only he drinks.

He'll sometimes pop to the shop and get himself some beers and some snacks that he likes. He knows I don't drink beer but doesn't pick up a bottle of wine or anything else that I might like/that we could share.

It irritates me that I am thinking of him/us when I shop for the weekend, pick up snacks, cook meals that he will like. But he doesn't reciprocate. He never offers to get us a takeaway and he doesn't offer to pay for the meal if we go out. The weekends end up costing me lots of money (and I don't have much spare, as a single parent) as he also eats at least three times as much as I do and I'm doing lot's of trips to supermarket to top up.

I don't know if it's me, that I need to communicate this to him somehow, ask him to contribute? It feels like such an awkward subject and I would never ask a one off house guest to contribute (though most people I know would bring a bottle of wine). However, I would personally not expect to stay at someones house regularly and not bring something/offer to pay for some stuff or order in a takeaway.

Can this be resolved with good communication from me or is he just a cocklodger and this is indicative of future issues?

If it matters: he earns similar salary to me (slightly higher) but has significantly lower living costs).

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplepieSnapplepie · 20/09/2021 15:02

Thank you to everyone who is replying to this thread, it's so helpful. I agree with you all and this is definitely not going to work for me.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/09/2021 15:04

This is the honeymoon period, OP. This is as good as it gets. It takes a particular kind of person to go into a single mum's home and expect her to pay for all his food and drink. It takes a really tight bastard to say 'let's go out for a meal' and then make her pay for it all.

What is the point in being with someone really tight? He'll see that you put up with this shit and he'll intensify his efforts. In his dreams he'd be living with you and you'd be paying for all the bills (well, you were paying them anyway, he'd think) - don't let yourself get taken in by any superficial charm. He's a user.

daisyducky · 20/09/2021 15:07

This past weekend I cooked us three meals and then on the final night when we went out for dinner (at his initiative) I ended up paying!

Sorry but this says it all OP. I hope your next boyfriend treats you as you deserve to be treated

TooWicked · 20/09/2021 15:14

This past weekend I cooked us three meals and then on the final night when we went out for dinner (at his initiative) I ended up paying!

What? How did this happen? Worth thinking about how, so you can recognise it and stop yourself from stepping up with an open purse if you find yourself in a similar situation ever again.

But this one, just dump him.

Anordinarymum · 20/09/2021 15:18

And when you do dump him tell him you simply could not afford him :)

QueenBee52 · 20/09/2021 15:23

To be fair to him, he does wash up sometimes, make the bed and occasionally take the bins out.

this isn't a credit ... honestly

occasionally taking the bins out.. hell what a catch 🙄

Wegobshite · 20/09/2021 15:27

He told you at the beginning he was tight
He will only use this against you if you bring it up

GettingItOutThere · 20/09/2021 15:28

you deserve better than this! he is a cocklodger

decent people do not behave this way, dump his ass and find the man you are supposed to be with

minimecantrollerskate · 20/09/2021 15:32

I think that the relationship is not right for you, but if you do decide to continue, then you need to lay down the ground rules. When you go out you pay 50/50 for everything, every round, every meal etc. That way there won't be any inequality in amounts.

Also ask him to contribute X amount towards the weekend food, or bring food with him/pay for a shop when he gets there, every other weekend.

If he suggests a meal/takeaway ensure that you pay 50/50.

He will soon disappear then anyway.....

I was seeing a bloke like it once, and if I was paying it was meals out and holidays, but he would suggest things then back out at the last minute due to having no money so I would pay for us both rather than be disappointed. He was crap with money.

WheresYourSnickers · 20/09/2021 15:32

@TooWicked

This past weekend I cooked us three meals and then on the final night when we went out for dinner (at his initiative) I ended up paying!

What? How did this happen? Worth thinking about how, so you can recognise it and stop yourself from stepping up with an open purse if you find yourself in a similar situation ever again.

But this one, just dump him.

Good advice here!! Can't believe he didn't stump up for dinner after you fed him all weekend!
Graphista · 20/09/2021 15:34

Hang on you’ve only been together a few months and he’s pretty much living with you half the week? That’s way too much too soon, especially with kids. What do they think of having some sponger around half the week?

I'm of the same opinion - too much too soon and yes piss taking cocklodger! Get rid!

When I met my ex we had to do long distance for a bit (he was army and got posted away from where we'd met fairly early on)

I worked awkward shifts so it was generally easier for him to come to me. He'd do a grocery shop inc a few treats for me, he'd top up the leccy meter, he'd do housework (dishes, stick a laundry out to dry)

That's what a decent long distance partner does, without being asked

But he definitely has got comfortable very quickly.

Tbf you let him

Yea you need to watch council tax too if he's regularly there 3/4 nights you could get investigated/done for fraud on the single person discount

2bazookas · 20/09/2021 15:39

Next time he visits, just don't provide/play the hostess.. No meal, no snacks, no booze, and no comment.

When he asks, or says he'd nipping off to get beer, just say " Pick up some food for a few days, I've got nothing in".

Mythologies · 20/09/2021 15:43

Reminds me of the time a friend got fed up with her cocklodger and tried to have a conversation with him.
As pp said above normal people do not continually and endlessly scrounge.
Talking to cocklodgers is a waste of good air.
After the conversation my friend's cocklodger turned up with half a packet of pasta and a cheap tin of tomatoes - he got his marching orders soon after

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 20/09/2021 15:46

Definitely get rid. He sounds like my ex and bringing up the issue with him made things worse.

We usually stayed at mine and I'd pay for all the food etc. I'd also wash and dry his uniform at least a couple of times a week on the nights he stayed. I'd always have snacks and treats in which he'd help himself to without asking.
On the odd occasion I stayed at his (with plenty of notice) there'd be NOTHING for me to eat or drink. If I took anything to leave there it would have been consumed by his niece/nephews by the next time I went over.

When I spoke to him about the amount I was spending and that he'd have to start contributing he had the cheek to say I never put my hand in my pocket for anything. He berated me for not paying for the fuel for the 15mins drive to mine when he came over and said I spent a fortune on his just eat account (we ordered once a month max). I ended up showing him my bank accounts as evidence. He said we'd have to agree to disagree.

It came down to the fact he didn't care enough about me rather than him just being tight in general. Unfortunately I let it drag on for a few more months. He strung me along for a while and then ended it. Reappeared as soon as he found out I'd met someone else and started leaving chocolates hanging from my door handle (with the receipt inside of course Hmm). He never bought me anything while we were together.

Whatamesssss · 20/09/2021 15:50

You cannot afford him. Get rid.

dreamingbohemian · 20/09/2021 15:55

This past weekend I cooked us three meals and then on the final night when we went out for dinner (at his initiative) I ended up paying!

BIN
HIM
NOW

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 20/09/2021 15:56

@PissedOffNeighbour22

I burst out laughing when you got to the bit about the receipt in the bag Grin

MargotMoon · 20/09/2021 16:16

Yuck, my fanny is shrivelling up reading this and it reminds me of my ex. He lived like a student and used to take the piss out of me for having a fully stocked cupboard and fridge. Didn't stop him eating me out of house and home though

However, he actually saves on travel by staying at mine when he is working in London, that's the reason we are always at mine.
^this stands out for me! He knows he's onto a good thing!

BananaPB · 20/09/2021 16:19

If you talk to him about this I bet he'll be defensive and tell you how much it costs to travel to yours and this is why he won't pay his fair share. Not appealing at all

Pinkbonbon · 20/09/2021 16:28

@BananaPB

If you talk to him about this I bet he'll be defensive and tell you how much it costs to travel to yours and this is why he won't pay his fair share. Not appealing at all
Yup. Or he'll change his ways for a few weeks...and then it'll slowly slip back into old habits.
pinkyredrose · 20/09/2021 16:33

How did you end up paying for dinner when it was his idea?

ZipOnBy · 20/09/2021 16:34

As OP astutely points out - women socialised to serve men to some extent but also men socialised to wine and dine Grin - but he missed the second memo, clearly.

PS. Probably the former is one reason why I am not really interesting in 'dating' again at my age (61) only being wined and dined Grin.

Not especially directed at you OP, but why oh why do so many women put up with this particular dynamic? Some dynamics are more subtle and hard to spot. But surely this one is easy. if I spend £30 regularly on providing a nice meal at home for a boyfriend and he provides, er, virtually nothing, whats the payoff? Its just so insulting and entitled. Meanwhile .... in another part of town .... other women seem to just click their fingers and their beau comes running with gifts and so forth.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 20/09/2021 16:56

It seems to me that communication is very clear in this relationship.

However, you are not listening OP! Grin

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 20/09/2021 17:02

Next time he is due to come round, I would have a meal yourself first so you’re not hungry. Put all your snacks/drinks/meals in carrier bags and hide in car boot or garage. Then just wait… maybe pour yourself a glass of wine but don’t offer him one.

averylongtimeago · 20/09/2021 17:06

Mean, stingy behaviour is most unattractive in anyone.
In a relatively new relationship, where you should still be in the "honeymoon" period, it signals this is not the right relationship for you.
He is showing you exactly what he is like.

When a man tells you what he is like, listen.