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Original poster

Cocklodger or bad communication?

108 replies

ApplepieSnapplepie · 20/09/2021 12:01

I've been seeing someone for a few months and as it's long distance we spend 3-4 nights together at a time. Due to work commitments this is always at mine. He is pretty tight with money in general (which is his prerogative/personality) and we usually take turns paying for things like drinks or meals out, all though I often feel that I end up paying more than him. E.g he'll pay for the drinks in a pub (maybe £15) and then I pay for the meal (maybe £35). Not sure if this is intentional on his part.

When he comes to stay at mine I am the one buying all the groceries, cooking the meals, getting snacks for us etc, and this is starting to irritate me. As I want us to have a nice weekend I pick up treats and nice things that I know we both like and he sometimes asks me to get him some beers (he has a few in the evenings, I don't) which I do. On one occasion he brought a bottle of wine when he came over (of which I probably got one glass). But usually he turns up empty handed or with beers that only he drinks.

He'll sometimes pop to the shop and get himself some beers and some snacks that he likes. He knows I don't drink beer but doesn't pick up a bottle of wine or anything else that I might like/that we could share.

It irritates me that I am thinking of him/us when I shop for the weekend, pick up snacks, cook meals that he will like. But he doesn't reciprocate. He never offers to get us a takeaway and he doesn't offer to pay for the meal if we go out. The weekends end up costing me lots of money (and I don't have much spare, as a single parent) as he also eats at least three times as much as I do and I'm doing lot's of trips to supermarket to top up.

I don't know if it's me, that I need to communicate this to him somehow, ask him to contribute? It feels like such an awkward subject and I would never ask a one off house guest to contribute (though most people I know would bring a bottle of wine). However, I would personally not expect to stay at someones house regularly and not bring something/offer to pay for some stuff or order in a takeaway.

Can this be resolved with good communication from me or is he just a cocklodger and this is indicative of future issues?

If it matters: he earns similar salary to me (slightly higher) but has significantly lower living costs).

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 20/09/2021 13:22

Just call him out on it.

'I've got nothing in food wise this weekend, let's do the shopping tomorrow. You can pay this week as I've covered this for the last x months. It's becoming a strain on my finances so we'll have to go 50/50 from next week. Plus you can get a takeaway and your beers and a bottle of wine for me tonight too'

It's really simple, if he makes you feel off for saying it, then he's the problem and it's not right.

Elieza · 20/09/2021 13:22

He saves money by staying at yours so less travelling and gets free board and lodging - and sex - and doesn’t even think to buy you a nice takeaway!? He’s saved what £50 at least and doesn’t even think to spend £20 on grub.

Ooft. WTF is that all about. Even MY fanny is clenching up at the thought of that! Even I feel used!!

Yeah defo have the talk. Or defo dump. Up to you but defo do something.

2catsandhappy · 20/09/2021 13:25

Well he got cosy quick! Can you and dc eat before he gets there? It is a horrible position to find yourself in. Tricky to get out of if that is how it has always been.
Maybe say, 'would love to see you but can't stretch to giving you dinner' or 'I'm not cooking.'
Something. Anything. Hints do not work.

Don't throw baby out with the bath water if this the only sticking point. Tell him you are saving for Christmas and have to cut your grocery bill/budget/expenses.

Sexnotgender · 20/09/2021 13:28

Cocklodger or not he’s selfish and thoughtless and neither are qualities I want in a life partner.

Sidge · 20/09/2021 13:30

Hang on you’ve only been together a few months and he’s pretty much living with you half the week? That’s way too much too soon, especially with kids. What do they think of having some sponger around half the week?

I bet he thinks all his Christmasses have come at once.

Honestly love just end it. Don’t tie yourself in knots trying to make adjustments, or communicate the issue to him. He’s an adult holding down a job and presumably paying his own rent and bills so he’s not ignorant of the fact that Things Cost Money. He’s tight, he’s a sponger, a freeloader or a cocklodger. Take your pick of terminology but the end result is the same - you’re a vehicle to meet his needs in the cheapest way possible, not an equal, loving partner to consider and support.

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/09/2021 13:30

When I first met dh he had a house and I went to his but I’d do a weekend top up shop and buy alcohol. I didn’t expect another adult to subsidise me.

Original poster
ApplepieSnapplepie · 20/09/2021 13:34

@Sidge

Hang on you’ve only been together a few months and he’s pretty much living with you half the week? That’s way too much too soon, especially with kids. What do they think of having some sponger around half the week?

I bet he thinks all his Christmasses have come at once.

Honestly love just end it. Don’t tie yourself in knots trying to make adjustments, or communicate the issue to him. He’s an adult holding down a job and presumably paying his own rent and bills so he’s not ignorant of the fact that Things Cost Money. He’s tight, he’s a sponger, a freeloader or a cocklodger. Take your pick of terminology but the end result is the same - you’re a vehicle to meet his needs in the cheapest way possible, not an equal, loving partner to consider and support.

He is only here every other weekend for 3-4 nights, when I don't have DC. Definitely not introducing them at this early stage!! But he definitely has got comfortable very quickly.
OP posts:
wewereliars · 20/09/2021 13:35

I don't think talking is going to sort this one out. He has no instinct to spoil or look after you, and quite the opposite is taking what he can get.

He is the finished product and it will only get worse I think. You sound more than reasonable, go and find someone better. At best, your resentment if you stay with him will turn to hate over time.

Bananalanacake · 20/09/2021 13:40

Give him a test, say to him as you do all the cooking at yours maybe he should cook a meal at your place, which means buying the food himself. See what he comes up with.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 20/09/2021 13:47

His behaviour at yours, admission to being tight and lack of consideration when you stayed at his really tells you everything you need to know.

My ex was like this. I would turn up at his with a nice bottle of wine, good food for the fridge and pay for takeaways. Meanwhile, he would buy his own cheaper bottle of wine just for himself so he didn't feel obliged to contribute to something more expensive. He earnt similar to me and had a large inheritance.
One of the final straws was when 2 of his friends told me that he owed them money for nights out where he'd come with little means to pay. He was renowned for it. He came on a long weekend away with my friends and I had to supplement his share (bar tab and food shop).
I doubt you'll change him - I never managed to in 2years.
I hope you find someone who appreciates your worth and good nature.

viques · 20/09/2021 13:48

@goldshade

Experienced cockdodger. So unattractive.
Agreed. And it’s not just food bills he is saving himself by being at yours, it’s utility bills too. OK it’s not cold at the moment but in a while it will be, so who will be saving half their heating bills, who will be saving on water charges, not to mention lighting. And if you aren’t careful, someone will be telling your local council that you aren’t entitled to your single person reduction on your council tax .

The guy is practically reducing his living expenses down to beer money for over half the week.

viques · 20/09/2021 13:51

Just read he saves on travelling by staying at yours too. What a prince.

1forAll74 · 20/09/2021 13:56

You need to state all your concerns to him regarding money etc, and see what his replies will be, you have a right to do this when it comes down to money matters, as it will cause resentments all round. If he doesn't change his ways about being a bit tight, then you will get the measure of him.

ZenNudist · 20/09/2021 14:02

Stingyness is so unattractive. I wouldn't bother. Move on and find someone who will treat your fairly

QueenBee52 · 20/09/2021 14:03

@Aquamarine1029

Skinflint cocklodger. Get rid, people like this never change.

this..

its SOD ALL to do with communication and everything to do with him screwing you over financially.. of course he pays for the drinks.. they're half the cost of the meal ffs..

he saw you coming with pounds signs on ...

ANameChangeAgain · 20/09/2021 14:06

My DSis had one like this once. He thought he was at his mum's i think. He boasted to her that he was saving an absolute fortune on food and utilities by stopping with her! This is when the penny dropped. She told him as she was struggling with money working full time and supporting her toddler, she couldn't afford to be in this relationship as it stood. The relationship fizzled quickly after that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2021 14:15

He is an out and out cocklodger who has managed to get his feet under your table. He saw you coming with pound signs on.

Chuck him back into the pond from whence he came and know your worth better.

seensome · 20/09/2021 14:27

Freeloader, Just stop, don't get the food in, tell him to eat before he comes over, eating out, tell him it's his turn. It's not right that your paying far more than him. If he doesn't get the hint to pay his way in the relationship then don't stay with him.

HollowTalk · 20/09/2021 14:28

But that's a good suggestion re agreeing to share the food bills.

Please, please don't consider staying with this man. You have seen his true self - a week or so of him reluctantly giving you some money towards food isn't going to change his personality.

cabingirl · 20/09/2021 14:28

If you feel like giving him one chance to step up let him know that you think splitting everything 50/50 for food and drinks is the way to go from now on.

Don't get him beers in for your house - let him bring his own. Don't buy fancy snacks for a while. Order a takeaway together with it being clear that you are splitting it 50/50. (tip - have some cash in so that you can give him your half and he can use his card - no card, oh well Beans on Toast it is)

TiredButDancing · 20/09/2021 14:32

He does sound like a cocklodger. I do think that a lot of men have been socialised to expect to be looked after in a woman's home - whether that's their mum, girlfriend or some random stranger. So there's a very small chance he just isn't thinking about it. But.... I have my doubts.

Also, while he's there, does he ever do the cooking? Help with the tidying up? If you're downstairs making breakfast is he upstairs making the bed? Does he help you with any of the heavier tasks that perhaps are a bit harder for you and does he do so proactively (when I had been dating now DH for about 3 months, I moved out of a houseshare into a flat by myself. I am embarrassed to say that it took me a few months before I noticed that I NEVER took out the bins. Somehow, it was miraculously done whenever he was at mine!)

Because if the answer to all those questions is No, then it's not just someone who isn't thinking about the fact that there's lovely meals etc all being laid on but rather someone who really doesn't think he has to contribute in any meaningful way to the relationship. HIs presence ALONE is his contribution (you lucky lucky thing).

Original poster
ApplepieSnapplepie · 20/09/2021 14:45

@TiredButDancing

He does sound like a cocklodger. I do think that a lot of men have been socialised to expect to be looked after in a woman's home - whether that's their mum, girlfriend or some random stranger. So there's a very small chance he just isn't thinking about it. But.... I have my doubts.

Also, while he's there, does he ever do the cooking? Help with the tidying up? If you're downstairs making breakfast is he upstairs making the bed? Does he help you with any of the heavier tasks that perhaps are a bit harder for you and does he do so proactively (when I had been dating now DH for about 3 months, I moved out of a houseshare into a flat by myself. I am embarrassed to say that it took me a few months before I noticed that I NEVER took out the bins. Somehow, it was miraculously done whenever he was at mine!)

Because if the answer to all those questions is No, then it's not just someone who isn't thinking about the fact that there's lovely meals etc all being laid on but rather someone who really doesn't think he has to contribute in any meaningful way to the relationship. HIs presence ALONE is his contribution (you lucky lucky thing).

To be fair to him, he does wash up sometimes, make the bed and occasionally take the bins out. Equally, I love to host and cook etc. but it's the fact he is so reluctant to put his hand in his pocket when it comes to paying for anything that puts me off. If he was arriving with bottles of wine, offering to get the groceries, bringing a nice dessert he thinks I might like, or saying "let me take you out to dinner on the last night" etc then I wouldn't mind doing the cooking. This past weekend I cooked us three meals and then on the final night when we went out for dinner (at his initiative) I ended up paying!

I totally agree that men have been socialised to be served by women, I've seen that pattern with exes. But most have also been socialised to wine and dine women to some extent, he seems to have only picked up one half of the gendered socialisation! Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/09/2021 14:45

Tight miserly people are selfish, he will spend money on himself - beer for him nothing for you!!

They make horrid partners.

Chamomileteaplease · 20/09/2021 14:47

I think the point that it will probably be an awkward conversation is telling in itself - it is awkward because you are having to point out that he has behaved really badly and you will be asking him to start behaving in a decent manner! Sad

I am sure there are ways to express what you mean; I hope people have given you ideas here.

But his empty fridge and complete lack of hosting for you suggests you are on a losing wicket. Sad

Pinkbonbon · 20/09/2021 14:48

Its just a few months in and he is already shit. Just bin him and move on. If you're looking for excuses to stay and to try and get him to change, then you are probably not in a healthy place to be in a relationship right now. Because your boundaries are not where they need to be.

People have basic moral decency or they don't. You can't educate it into them. And you certainly shouldn't try.

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