Cocklodger or bad communication?

[ApplepieSnapplepie]

I've been seeing someone for a few months and as it's long distance we spend 3-4 nights together at a time. Due to work commitments this is always at mine. He is pretty tight with money in general (which is his prerogative/personality) and we usually take turns paying for things like drinks or meals out, all though I often feel that I end up paying more than him. E.g he'll pay for the drinks in a pub (maybe £15) and then I pay for the meal (maybe £35). Not sure if this is intentional on his part.

When he comes to stay at mine I am the one buying all the groceries, cooking the meals, getting snacks for us etc, and this is starting to irritate me. As I want us to have a nice weekend I pick up treats and nice things that I know we both like and he sometimes asks me to get him some beers (he has a few in the evenings, I don't) which I do. On one occasion he brought a bottle of wine when he came over (of which I probably got one glass). But usually he turns up empty handed or with beers that only he drinks.

He'll sometimes pop to the shop and get himself some beers and some snacks that he likes. He knows I don't drink beer but doesn't pick up a bottle of wine or anything else that I might like/that we could share.

It irritates me that I am thinking of him/us when I shop for the weekend, pick up snacks, cook meals that he will like. But he doesn't reciprocate. He never offers to get us a takeaway and he doesn't offer to pay for the meal if we go out. The weekends end up costing me lots of money (and I don't have much spare, as a single parent) as he also eats at least three times as much as I do and I'm doing lot's of trips to supermarket to top up.

I don't know if it's me, that I need to communicate this to him somehow, ask him to contribute? It feels like such an awkward subject and I would never ask a one off house guest to contribute (though most people I know would bring a bottle of wine). However, I would personally not expect to stay at someones house regularly and not bring something/offer to pay for some stuff or order in a takeaway.

Can this be resolved with good communication from me or is he just a cocklodger and this is indicative of future issues?

If it matters: he earns similar salary to me (slightly higher) but has significantly lower living costs).

Hi, you mention your friends having partners etc and you not. Don’t ever think having a partner as a sign of anything. Some of your friends might be as miserable as sin, maybe harbouring any number of probs and keeping it together on the face of it…. A million times better to be single than being with some bloke who’s taking the p. Get rid of this one and relax a bit. If there’s one for you out there, you’ll find each other in time.

Good for you OP, he’s being so disrespectful. Out of curiosity, how did you manage to end up paying for dinner after hosting him, and him being the one to suggest going out to eat?

@Naunet

Good for you OP, he’s being so disrespectful. Out of curiosity, how did you manage to end up paying for dinner after hosting him, and him being the one to suggest going out to eat?

We went to a casual beer garden type place and he got us some drinks at the bar right away (max £10). Then it was on to ordering food, which had to happen via a QR code/app. We talked about what to get (some stuff to share) and his suggestions were all worded "why don't you get the xxx," "maybe order the xxx" as if it was obviously my turn.

We did go somewhere for a drink after and I made sure he paid then, as I was so annoyed. To be honest, I dreaded the meal out all weekend and purposefully chose a cheap/informal place as I suspected that he wasn't intending to treat me and that I'd be paying at least half.

But I guess I think the decent thing would have been for him to pay for the dinner and the drinks that night, as I had paid for and prepared all the meals/snacks etc in the house....

We talked about what to get (some stuff to share) and his suggestions were all worded "why don't you get the xxx," "maybe order the xxx" as if it was obviously my turn

What stops you at this point from questioning his assumption?

Cocklodger.
Bin.
Next.

Nobody should have to put up with this sort of thing. He's just taking the piss.
Anyway, if the relationship progressed it would just get worse as he'd be like this all the time.
I lived with a cocklodger for 3 years - didn't want to work. He did pay half the bills and half the food but he had a spreadsheet for the food. Went through the supermarket receipts and removed things that only I would eat and then divided the rest between the two of us. At the end of the month we "settled up". Ridiculous. I was away for a week and he bought loads of expensive food and then tried to half the cost. I was furious. Told him to get to fuck and that if he wanted to play that game we could split the cost of the food I had eaten during the week (more expensive as I'd eaten out a lot) and add that to the spreadsheet.
When I finally kicked him out he wanted money back on the bills - I paid a monthly amount to the house management company which included heating and water. At the end of the year I'd get money refunded as my monthly payments were always more than I paid. The fucking cocklodger wanted his half of the refund back over 8 months after he'd moved out. Told him there was none this year and to fuck off.

Don't know whether yours is a cocklodger or a tight bastard but whatever, tell him to fuck off too.

@TheFoundations

We talked about what to get (some stuff to share) and his suggestions were all worded "why don't you get the xxx," "maybe order the xxx" as if it was obviously my turn

What stops you at this point from questioning his assumption?

I guess awkwardness, embarrassment.... But I know that you are right!

He's awkwarding all your money off you. He's awkwarding a free ride from you.

Why is this making you question your communication skills, rather than just making you think 'Ew, what a turn off'? It seems like he's allowed to potentially judge you (otherwise you wouldn't fear embarrassment), but your judgment of him is somehow immobilised, and can only get as far as MN, without reaching him.

What would happen if you sat down with him and said you needed things to be more even from now on with regard to paying for stuff? Would he respect that at all? Lip service? A rebuff?

Never heard of a cocklodger before but loving the word & he's most definitely one!! I could throw another few adjectives in their too like self-centred, thoughtless & a user! This is the very early days of your relationship when he should be showing his very best side - taking you out for lovely meals, buying you flowers, thinking of you when he goes to the bloody shop! This is much more than bad communication imo, it's just basic manners! Imagine what he'll be like a yr, 5yrs done the line FFS! I'm married 15 years & my hubby would not dream of behaving like this. Tbh I just never would have put up with it and nor should you. I would suggest you kick his ass to the kerb & find someone else who is worthy of your time and love. You sound really lovely & caring