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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Top tips on how to get over a work crush please

56 replies

ToooOldForThis · 16/09/2021 22:48

Got into an almost sticky situation with a colleague. Both acknowledged it was not wise, talked about it and have decided to draw boundaries etc. Happy with how it has panned out, we're stuck working together for the foreseeable.

However- I really feel dumped! Just on a friendship / company level really...his marriage is good, mine is not. There was NEVER a thought of taking it further, I really don't like him in that way at all, but for a while it was like having a really lovely friend and now I don't have that company any more.
Now I know this is absolutely the way it should be, and I should never have become reliant on him,but I did and now I really miss him.

Please tell me your top tips on how to give myself a good bloody shake and just get over feeling so sad and dumped?

OP posts:
Oldfestivalgoer · 17/09/2021 14:44

@MancMum2000

Could we have less of the me-railing with all the Freudian stuff perhaps? It’s getting rather tedious.

"me-railing" would be talking about myself. We've been talking about the OP.

Oldfestivalgoer · 17/09/2021 14:46

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Jesus give the OP a break. There are thousands of typos on MN you could read Freudian slips into….

It's pretty rare to see someone make such an impressively blatant reveal of their actual feelings. I'm sure there are some others, can't say I've seen quite such an obvious one for a while.

But it doesn't matter, anyway. Perhaps it was a complete coincidence and she just happened to completely accidentally mistype a post that in fact expresses the truth, rather than the pretence. It doesn't change the reality, which is blatantly obvious.

Bumblesbumbles · 17/09/2021 14:52

It sounds like your colleague offered the things you are lacking in your own marriage. And sometimes it may feel easier not to confront the real issues within your marriage. This has probably brought it to the forefront and is adding to your feeling of isolation. If you can, I’d really consider if your marriage can work and if it is what you need. If it is, invest in it, if not maybe now you need to make the hard decision about ending the marriage and hopefully finding the right person in the future.

Onthedunes · 17/09/2021 15:42

I'm presuming you got found out because there is no way you would have stopped this relationship from going further.

No harm done eh?

Onthedunes · 17/09/2021 15:45

Top tips Confused

That's what annoys me.

ftw163532 · 17/09/2021 15:50

Of course it's not scientific fact, but he was a brilliant and perceptive observer of human behaviour.

Brilliant? The man who convinced western society that traumatised women were not really being sexually abused on a large scale (because that would implicate too many of his male buddies), the women were just hysterical fantasists? That brilliant, perceptive observer who laid the groundwork for traumatised abused women to be lobotomised for decades?

Sure.

Lolalovesroses · 17/09/2021 16:04

Is there a female colleague that you could spend more time with at work?You seem to be saying that it's the friendship you will miss. Instead of making him your go to when anything exciting/funny/ new happens go to somebody else and talk to them. Outside of work instead of texting him read a book, do some exercise, talk to your husband, play some music. The crush will pass, they always do.

nosuchluck25 · 17/09/2021 16:09

What area of work are you in? Maybe ask to change area? Team? It is despicable of you though his poor wife!

Nikkic2123 · 17/09/2021 16:33

OP
I'm with you in the typo my phone charges should and shouldn't would and wouldn't and I type the opposite of what I mean most of the time with this phone 🙊

, I'm sorry you find your self in this situation, but hey, these things happen and the people here giving abuse need to realise that these things happen. At least you're here asking advice, others would have no conscience shout it at all.

I hope you get sorted and everything works out for you.

Life is life!! Shit happens sometimes. What happens in his marriage is his problem!

Nikkic2123 · 17/09/2021 16:37

Clearly my phone just changed
Changes to charges - gosh, maybe my true feelings were lying with charging my phone?

frozendaisy · 17/09/2021 16:45

Get under (or on top) of someone else!

Quirrelsotherface · 17/09/2021 17:01

No, you really don't. Your typo IS a Freudian slip. That is the entire point. That's what a Freudian slip is. A mistake that betrays your true thoughts

Good lord, leave her alone.

Hawkins001 · 17/09/2021 17:07

All the best op, although I'm wondering if I'm at the beginnings of a similar situation, with the lady being married.

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 17/09/2021 17:16

The Freudian slip chat is quite something!

Absolutely no harm was done to his marriage, and I absolutely do not wish any harm to his marriage. Also what he does is entirely up to him, I'll take responsibility for my feelings and actions and he can do the same.
I have no desire to come between them, no interest in taking it any further.
I simply made the mistake of becoming overly fond of him, because he was providing a small substitute for what my home life is lacking.
I know all this, and know I need to address the issues at home.
In the short term I was just looking for advice (and thank you to those who have given it!) on how to get past this time where I am missing the companionship and support that I got from him.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 17/09/2021 18:25

Too many women are afraid to be alone. I get it.

Better to be alone than badly accompanied is the saying.

would hate that, badly accomapanied that is

RobinPenguins · 17/09/2021 18:31

@nosuchluck25

What area of work are you in? Maybe ask to change area? Team? It is despicable of you though his poor wife!
Despicable? They didn’t do anything! Get a grip.
Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 17/09/2021 19:24

@Iflyaway i really think I would be OK on my own. It would be better than being lonely in a relationship.
But I think what I got a whiff of was how nice it could be when you have someone kind and supportive around you. And now I feel the lack of it again.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 17/09/2021 19:33

I get it ToooOld...

Remember, you are NEVER too old to chose a different life. I'm 66 , life is good!

Depends of course how old your kids are, etc.

I did it all alone, and got through it.

Hugs. It WILL work out.

Lurcherloves · 17/09/2021 19:51

Ignore the harsh comments, you’re a human being with feelings. I tried to stay working with the person I liked, and put distance in but it simply got worse. Ive now left but it has been so painful and a tough year. I would look for another job now if I were you.

Violet869 · 17/09/2021 19:56

@ToooOldForThis - You are seeking what’s missing from your marriage. Seeking that elsewhere is not the solution, see if you can fix your own marriage, if not, you can walk away at any point. There is nothing worse than feeling lonely in a marriage (I am talking from experience too).

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 17/09/2021 20:09

Thank you all.
And huge sympathies to those saying they've been there, it's not easy.

I think it's been so long since anyone was that nice to me that I just crumbled. Normally a much stronger person!

OP posts:
belimoo · 17/09/2021 20:18

A little bit like a pp, I would try to imagine his inevitable failings/flaws in a relationship.

In addition to the smelly poos, you need to think about the emotional issues he's bound to have. Imagine him weeping to you about how he's failed his wife and how he misses his children.

Imagine him telling you how he needs you to live and without you he's nothing. How actually he's been quietly stalking you for ages and can't believe you've finally given him the time of day.

In my experience, these inevitable outbursts (from single men) have been just the tonic to put me off completely.

MrsMaizel · 17/09/2021 20:22

Got into an almost sticky situation with a colleague

What was the almost sticky situation if you have no physical interest in him ?

Are you saying it was an emotional affair ?

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 17/09/2021 21:14

No I wouldn't even say it was as much as that @mrsmaizel

Just I think I became overly reliant on him for friendship and company. There was definitely a physical attraction there too, which is why we both decided to pull away.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 17/09/2021 21:15

@belimoo thank you!
None of these things are ever likely to happen but I get where you're coming from!

It feels cold between us and just going to take some getting used to

OP posts: