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Original poster

Top tips on how to get over a work crush please

56 replies

ToooOldForThis · 16/09/2021 22:48

Got into an almost sticky situation with a colleague. Both acknowledged it was not wise, talked about it and have decided to draw boundaries etc. Happy with how it has panned out, we're stuck working together for the foreseeable.

However- I really feel dumped! Just on a friendship / company level really...his marriage is good, mine is not. There was NEVER a thought of taking it further, I really don't like him in that way at all, but for a while it was like having a really lovely friend and now I don't have that company any more.
Now I know this is absolutely the way it should be, and I should never have become reliant on him,but I did and now I really miss him.

Please tell me your top tips on how to give myself a good bloody shake and just get over feeling so sad and dumped?

OP posts:
waybill · 16/09/2021 22:58

Ask yourself how you think his wife would feel?

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 16/09/2021 23:00

Oh absolutely yes, I do, would want to cause harm there, that's why we've both backed off.
No desire to change anything, we've done the right thing
But I sorely miss his company. Feel very lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 16/09/2021 23:01

Terrible typo, should say would NEVER wish to cause harm there

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 16/09/2021 23:05

Sympathies, OP. You’ve done the right thing.

Relax into it, play sad songs or whatever. It will pass soon enough like every other crush you’ve ever had before. Remember it was just a fantasy and you will get over it pretty easily.

If it isn’t gone in a few weeks then consider looking for a new job. But actually you are likely to be fine (if a bit embarrassed).

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 23:06

You need to grow up, you sound like a teenager.

You can't have this relationship, so find something else to do. It's not the be all and end all of your life. Unless you choose it to be. If you're missing friendship, go make new friends. Take responsibility. You're not the victim, you were a willing participant and you were willing to withdraw.

GrandmasCat · 16/09/2021 23:07

Ok..

My top tip to shake off a work crush is never talk about it, the more you do the more real and an issue it becomes.

But, since this is not exactly a platonic/nobody knows about it crush. I think you need to take the bull by the horns and either sort your marriage or end it. Would counseling help? Trying to re ignite intimacy (not sex, intimacy is a bigger thing) with your husband may sort the issue but, if the love is gone, it may be wiser to draw a line and start again on your own.

Try also to change jobs, so very difficult to heal your heart if you are seeing the guy regularly, and that is before considering this one is married.

Opentooffers · 16/09/2021 23:28

Be honest with yourself here for a start, if you "really didn't like him in that way", you would not be feeling dumped. You would also not have needed to have the type of conversation about a sticky situation, if this was entirely platonic, there just would of been no need, and you would not of ended up feeling like a rug has been pulled from under you. Not that you are to blame any more than he, sounds like this was maybe a 2 way acknowledgement, the way you say it. Unless you created the sticky situation and it was all news to him until then. This is likely a symptom of your unhappy marriage, so maybe focus on changing that or leaving - the marriage, not the job.Just see this as a sign that you need to sort your personal life out, it's good he didn't bite, that would of messed things up for you more in the long run. Be mature, be professional about it, find a healthy person to rely on as he was not it.

Oldfestivalgoer · 16/09/2021 23:31

@ToooOldForThis

Terrible typo, should say would NEVER wish to cause harm there
That's not a typo. It's a Freudian slip, in the proper sense of the word.
Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 17/09/2021 03:58

No, it really was a typo!

Thank you the rest of you for the much more helpful comments. It absolutely is symptomatic of the problems in my marriage, in so far as I miss the intimacy (not physical, that didn't happen) which this relationship brought me.
We get on well and just slipped into a pattern of spending too much time together, talking too much out of work etc.
I absolutely take full responsibility and do not claim to be any kind of victim. It was a very mutual attraction and we've spoken about it and agreed to draw a line and move on more professionally.
I just need to ride it out and I know these feelings will subside.
Marriage is at a difficult point where we know it's probably best to separate but haven't been able to face making that final jump.
I am very lonely which is not an excuse, but I enjoyed having someone to talk to, it was good to feel that someone was fond of me/valued me.

OP posts:
EccentricaGalumbits · 17/09/2021 04:08

Maybe redirect your energy into really analysing what's missing from your life now, and what steps you can take you turn that around? Having a bit of a plan in place will keep you occupied, and also reduce your risk of this happening again.

Oldfestivalgoer · 17/09/2021 09:16

@ToooOldForThis

No, it really was a typo!

No, you really don't understand what a Freudian slip is.

Oldfestivalgoer · 17/09/2021 10:07

Here's a quick intro. It's just as common in writing/typing as in speech.

Freud has a whole chapter on 'Misreadings and slips of the pen'.

www.freudfile.org/psychoanalysis/freudian_slips.html

Onthedunes · 17/09/2021 10:53

The strength you found in another womans husband is actually your weakness.

Using someone else to boost your confidence at the expense of another woman is abhorant. Your time talking ouside of work, your discusions of mutual atraction and feelings of how fond and how valued you felt with him will not have gone unoticed at home for his wife.

You were in a bubble and believe no one else can see through that bubble, but they can, others notice.
Your biggest regret SHOULD be whether you have ruined a marriage, both you and him.

Selfish.

RobinPenguins · 17/09/2021 10:59

Time. I’ve been in a similar situation about 5 years ago. Nothing ever happened or would have happened as we were both (and both still are) in relationships, and it was unsustainable so just burned out. I felt crap for a while. Then after a while I was over it. We’re not really friends any more after having been extremely close, sometimes we still have to work together on stuff and it’s perfectly fine, I don’t really feel anything any more.

Sorry, that’s not great advice, but I think you just have to suck it up, accept you might feel hurt/rejected, put a brave face on and wait until it fades, because it will.

Any action you take or don’t take in relation to your own relationship should be considered completely separately to this.

gannett · 17/09/2021 11:27

Marriage is at a difficult point where we know it's probably best to separate but haven't been able to face making that final jump.

I think you know the answer to your problem deep down...

It's hard and I'm sorry for you but the contentment you're looking for will be found here.

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 17/09/2021 12:23

@Oldfestivalgoer thank you for at least giving me a laugh🤣 dearie me, yes I really do understand the difference between a Freudian slip and a typo.

@RobinPenguins thank you, that is what I hope will happen and I know I just to get through this crappy time.

I absolutely agree re marriage comments and the work situation would not be a factor at all in any decisions. Other than I suppose I wouldn't be lonely if things were going OK!

I can't say whether it impacted on his home life or not, but he's an adult too with free will and made/can make his own choices

OP posts:
Oldfestivalgoer · 17/09/2021 12:32

Oldfestivalgoer thank you for at least giving me a laugh🤣 dearie me, yes I really do understand the difference between a Freudian slip and a typo.

No, you really don't. Your typo IS a Freudian slip. That is the entire point. That's what a Freudian slip is. A mistake that betrays your true thoughts.

Where you accidentally say or type what you really mean, instead of the lie that you consciously intended.

In this case, your lie that you don't want to harm his marriage was revealed by your slip, by your own unconscious, when you typed what you actually mean. That you do indeed want to harm it.

I find it very strange that you are not only damaging and harming someone else's marriage, but that you find it so hilarious. Nothing about your situation or behaviour is funny.

Sorry you don't understand that. Or perhaps you don't want to. You really did give away a bit too much there.

CousinKrispy · 17/09/2021 12:54

Freud had many interesting ideas and was hugely influential, but his views aren't exactly scientific fact and can't be proven to exit. Grin but you're correct to the extent that the OP does have feelings for this man. Which fortunately she acknowledges she needs to get over.

OP, I think time, and trying to distract yourself with other things--eventually this crush will pass and you'll look back someday and those feelings will be dead. Keep telling yourself that. In the meantime, I guess figuring out next steps in your marriage, which I know is hard. But remember feeling a crush on someone else at this point is probably just a massive distraction.

good luck.

CousinKrispy · 17/09/2021 12:54

exist, not exit! can't type...

JovialNickname · 17/09/2021 12:57

You've had plenty of deep, involved, considered answers, so here's some shallow ones -

Imagine him on the toilet doing a really big smelly poo
Imagine him really straining on the toilet
Remember he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else

Marjoriedrawers · 17/09/2021 13:01

The best way to get over it is to address why your own marriage is not good and either fix that or end it so that you don't need to indulge in workplace escapism like this again and can be reliant on yourself to be happy instead.

Oldfestivalgoer · 17/09/2021 13:10

@CousinKrispy Freud had many interesting ideas and was hugely influential, but his views aren't exactly scientific fact and can't be proven to exit. grin but you're correct to the extent that the OP does have feelings for this man. Which fortunately she acknowledges she needs to get over.

Of course it's not scientific fact, but he was a brilliant and perceptive observer of human behaviour.

So while some of the theories about oral/anal/etc. might be a bit far-fetched, in the case of everyday behaviour - such as Freudian slips of the tongue, pen or keyboard - his observations are still absolutely spot on.

A 'simple' typo might be writing 'I would nveer want to harm his marriage' (or indeed 'exit' for 'exist') - a simple fumble of the fingers.

Leaving out the entire, crucial word - so that instead of writing 'I would never want to harm his marriage', you write 'I would want to harm his marriage' - is not a typo in the sense of a fumble of the fingers.

It is - as I said above - actually a beautifully clear example of exactly the kind of slip that he described so well. The clue is that it is, very obviously, what she really feels and wants. The unconscious is a funny thing. Very often we give ourselves away in simple, obvious 'mistakes' like this.

Nuffaluff · 17/09/2021 13:17

@CousinKrispy
NO. That typo was not a typo it was a Freudian slip.
These Freudian ideas will never ‘exit’. They will never leave.
Because I said so all right?

MancMum2000 · 17/09/2021 14:33

Could we have less of the me-railing with all the Freudian stuff perhaps? It’s getting rather tedious.

OP I really would urge you to realise that it’s not really about this man, but about how it makes you feel to imagine being in a happier union than what you currently have. Life is short. If you leave your marriage you will be free to get that feeling for real, not just a false facsimile of it with someone else’s husband.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 17/09/2021 14:40

[quote Oldfestivalgoer]@ToooOldForThis

No, it really was a typo!

No, you really don't understand what a Freudian slip is.[/quote]
Jesus give the OP a break.

There are thousands of typos on MN you could read Freudian slips into….