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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been lied to my whole life by my mum

105 replies

southeastlady · 14/09/2021 16:19

Sorry if this sounds rambled;

I'm 38 and whenever I have asked who my real Dad is my mum always said it was someone she met on a night out and had a one night stand with

I have asked when I was a child and also when an adult in my 30's!

About 3 years ago I happened to be watching TV with my cousin (she's 16 years older than me) and 'Long Lost Family' came on. I said "I wish I knew who my real dad is"

She simply said "Your Dad's name is Joe Bloggs" (Obv not Joe Bloggs really) my biological dad was a friend of my uncle, my cousins dad

I nearly fell over!

My mum still has no idea I know the truth, should I confront her?

Its difficult because my Mum is married to a lovely man who I have called Dad since I was 3, he bought me up as his own child and I absolutely adore him. In 2018 not long after I found out the secret my 'dad' was diagnosed with an advanced cancer so I dont want to upset anyone by opening this can of worms

I cant believe my own mum was obviously quite happy for me to go through life not knowing who my real dad was

OP posts:

Marni83 · 14/09/2021 16:20

In the 3 years since this passed

Have you spoken with your mother about it?!

Keepitonthedownlow · 14/09/2021 16:22

That sounds so hard.

Original poster

southeastlady · 14/09/2021 16:27

@Marni83

In the 3 years since this passed

Have you spoken with your mother about it?!

No, not long after finding out the man I call Dad was diagnosed with advanced cancer so didnt seem right at the time

OP posts:

Babdoc · 14/09/2021 16:29

OP, your mother may have been protecting you. Your biological father obviously doesn’t want anything to do with you, given that he has never been involved in your life.
Your mum perhaps realised that you could be very hurt emotionally by the rejection, if you knew that he was your dad but he didn’t love you or care about you. Better to keep him out of the equation altogether.
It sounds like he was a mere sperm donor. The man you have always called dad is the man who has put in the hard work of parenting, and deserves the title far more.
Has it honestly made you any happier to find out the truth? Or just upset you, as your mum feared all along?

DerbyshireMama · 14/09/2021 16:31

@Babdoc

OP, your mother may have been protecting you. Your biological father obviously doesn’t want anything to do with you, given that he has never been involved in your life. Your mum perhaps realised that you could be very hurt emotionally by the rejection, if you knew that he was your dad but he didn’t love you or care about you. Better to keep him out of the equation altogether. It sounds like he was a mere sperm donor. The man you have always called dad is the man who has put in the hard work of parenting, and deserves the title far more. Has it honestly made you any happier to find out the truth? Or just upset you, as your mum feared all along?

How is it "obvious" her biological dad doesn't want anything to do with her?!

MsJinks · 14/09/2021 16:33

Hi - bit different but I was adopted, as a baby, in the 60s when there was a clean break. At 18 I wanted to trace my records, my parents were very clear they knew nothing about my birth parents, not even a name, also made me promise I would never track them down, if I found who they were. On hunting down important docs following my Dad passing away I found my adoption records clearly showing my birth mum’s name. I guess this was a ‘lie’ they didn’t know her name then - however, I accept they thought, at the time and in their times, that a full break with no information shared was the right thing for me. My mum is 88 so I’m not going to bring it up now, probably wouldn’t have anyway.
Maybe your mum thought it totally the best that you don’t know, right or wrong, maybe it was too difficult for her, maybe she fully believes you are better with your dad who brought you up. My parents didn’t understand that wanting to know where I came from was not the same as wanting replacement parents - unless you’re the person looking for a missing piece it is hard to understand. It’s difficult to bring it up for you, equally difficult to keep it quiet. Just a thought though - are you sure your cousin is right? Maybe your mum knows otherwise if that makes sense, but family just assume?
I have been able to keep recent contact with birth family totally separate from my parents - but that was lucky. I’ve had to accept that my parents can’t tell me a few things around my birth for their own reasons and I’ll never fully know - which gets easier with time.

Marni83 · 14/09/2021 16:34

Is there something that has happened that made you post this 3 years later?

Original poster

southeastlady · 14/09/2021 16:35

The 2 people I have spoken to about him (my aunt and my cousin) have said he was a lovely guy who used to come and see me when I was a baby and give my mum money for me

I think maybe he was told to stay away, he was very good friends with my uncle and when my uncle died in 1997 he was told not to come to the funeral as I would be there (I was 14 then)

Obviously I don't know the full story, I can understand when I was a child but when I was an adult I think I should have been given the opportunity of meeting him

OP posts:

KingdomScrolls · 14/09/2021 16:36

Maybe your cousin is wrong? Maybe that was just a rumour at the time? Have you spoken to your uncle?

KingdomScrolls · 14/09/2021 16:37

Sorry cross post I didn't realise your uncle had passed away. Very odd he was told to stay away, maybe he thought he was your father but in truth it was someone else and that's why he stopped coming? The only person who can answer these questions is your mother

Original poster

southeastlady · 14/09/2021 16:38

@Marni83

Is there something that has happened that made you post this 3 years later?

Nothing in particular, I just think of it quite a bit and thought I would ask for advice on here

OP posts:

Sagaz · 14/09/2021 16:39

Do you need your mum to be involved?
You have the name?
You are free to TRY and make contact and free to try and meet and get some answers on y4 own.

Original poster

southeastlady · 14/09/2021 16:40

Yes i'm certain of it, all my family were in on it except for me of course.

I have seen a few pictures of him, Im basically a female version of him

OP posts:

ShaneTheThird · 14/09/2021 16:43

Without speaking to your mom you won't know the truth unfortunately.

Only you can decide if you want to know the truth and what outcomes that might have. Your mom might be upset and angry, or she might be telling the truth and your cousin lied or was misinformed.

Is the man you think is your dad still alive or did he pass away?

Sagaz · 14/09/2021 16:44

I dont think you owe it to your mum to involve her in what you do next.

My xbf went to see his mother when she was dying of alcoholism and he asked one last time "who is my father?" she understood the question because she was pointing at carers half his age and saying "it's him". So he got no truth out of her even at the end. His step father had also tried to find out and she wouldnt tell him either. So i understand that this question looms large in a person's life.
Im glad you got a name. It's a start.

Onlinedilema · 14/09/2021 16:45

Is your natural father still alive?
Directory cousin or auntie know anything about him, is he married etc.
I believe it is wrong to conceal these details from a child.
No matter how great someone's step parent/adoptive parents is, they are not the natural parent and should not be hiding facts from the child.
I would ask your cousin and auntie first and then decide yourself if you want to contact your father.

girlmom21 · 14/09/2021 16:47

Is he still alive OP?

Dancingsmile · 14/09/2021 16:49

I Imagine it must be very hard to find out that people knew who your dad is apart from you. This was a secret your mum has asked others to keep.
She very likely had her reasons or did what she thought best at the time then couldn't back down from it.
Talk to her away from your step dad. I think you need to. It has no reflection on the love you have for your step dad.

Notaroadrunner · 14/09/2021 16:49

Would you like to contact him? You are well within your rights to want to know your origins. For medical history alone it's important. You can choose to tell your parents or not. Your mother has lied to you all your life so she mightn't want you to have contact with him, but it's up to you to decide who you want in your life. I'm sure if your uncle was such good friends with him, he'll be easy enough to track down via your aunt/cousin.

Original poster

southeastlady · 14/09/2021 16:49

Thank you all, as soon as I found out I started looking for him.

Unfortunately he died in 2016 so I wont get the chance to meet him. He lived with a lady (that he met a few years after I was born) and they were together until he died.
I have the address but have never been to see her, she may not know anything about it.

He 100% knew all about me

OP posts:

Somuddled · 14/09/2021 16:52

It doesn't sound like your mum has lied to you though? How do you know she didn't meet him on a night out and have a one night stand? For whatever reason, she decided to distance herself and you from him after the initial early days visits.

Original poster

southeastlady · 14/09/2021 16:54

@Somuddled

She has lied as I have asked her a few times and she said she doesnt know who my dad is.

It wasnt a one night stand they were seeing each other a little while (according to my family I have spoken to)

OP posts:

TaraR2020 · 14/09/2021 16:56

It's natural to feel hurt and betrayed by this, op, especially as it seems to have been an open secret in your family.

There is a chance your cousin is wrong, you can't know for certain that the family story is the right one.

I agree with a pp that your mum might be protecting you, ok you have heard that he was very nice but a man that is charming to outsiders may not be so pleasant up close. A quick read of many posts here will show you that.

You just don't know the circumstances of your conception and birth, or the reasons why your mum has kept you away from him all this time.

It might not be anything serious, maybe it's a sense of loyalty to your dad who took you as his own. If your mum was shamed for falling pregnant and relieved to find someone who loved her and her dd then that's a strong motivator to keep it secret.

Talk to your mum when you feel can. I'm sorry you find yourself dealing with all this, its incredibly hard

TaraR2020 · 14/09/2021 16:57

The other possibility of course is that this man isn't your biological father but your mum never said because she was seeing him at the time.

Orgasmagorical · 14/09/2021 17:02

My mum still has no idea I know the truth, should I confront her?

Do you want to confront her? In the first instance you could ask her why she didn't/doesn't want you to know who your father is and take it from there.

How do you get on with her in general? Are you able to talk about other things freely with her?

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