Been lied to my whole life by my mum

[southeastlady]

Sorry if this sounds rambled;

I'm 38 and whenever I have asked who my real Dad is my mum always said it was someone she met on a night out and had a one night stand with

I have asked when I was a child and also when an adult in my 30's!

About 3 years ago I happened to be watching TV with my cousin (she's 16 years older than me) and 'Long Lost Family' came on. I said "I wish I knew who my real dad is"

She simply said "Your Dad's name is Joe Bloggs" (Obv not Joe Bloggs really) my biological dad was a friend of my uncle, my cousins dad

I nearly fell over!

My mum still has no idea I know the truth, should I confront her?

Its difficult because my Mum is married to a lovely man who I have called Dad since I was 3, he bought me up as his own child and I absolutely adore him. In 2018 not long after I found out the secret my 'dad' was diagnosed with an advanced cancer so I dont want to upset anyone by opening this can of worms

I cant believe my own mum was obviously quite happy for me to go through life not knowing who my real dad was

I think a PP was right, get specialist advice from an adoption forum.

Who you came from is at the core of who you are, for many people (not quite all).

In this situation where there will be a lot of potential outcomes and some maybe explosive feelings, it's a good idea to consciously think through the outcomes and work out how you might feel about them. It helps, to plan. Gives you a bit of control when so much of this situation cuts to your core and yet you are dependent on other people talking to you.

• Your mum might not say anything else
• She might! what then? what if she was mean to your bio. dad? that will change the way you look at her. What if you were the product of an assault ? (although the fact he gave some money is a straw in the wind that he might not have; most people who behave appallingly don't tend to care about the devasation they leave behind).
• if you talk to your bio. dad's ex-wife, what if she doesn't know anything?
• what if she does? If she rejects you? if she accepts you? if she simply didn't know? Your telling her might be an intense shock, and if for example she couldn't have children she might find it very hard.
• is there anyone else who might know anything?
• talking to your real dad (the one who brought you up and loved you is your real one in my eyes). You might be able to get some info from him.

If you have the unquenchable itch to know more, then I think you have to ask. But some specialised advice and maybe support is a really good idea.

Good luck, OP. I hope things work out in a way that you are content with.

If you get on better with your stepdad than your mum, maybe take the opportunity while you still have him to broach the subject with him? When people are dying they often want to 'get things straight' before they go. He may welcome the chance to help you with this, as he clearly loves you.

MY mum passed over 5 years ago. There are 2 1/2 brothers of mine out their adopted before she married my father. My father is still here so out of respect for him I have not chased this up; However, recently I have tried but mum gave so little away about these children it is impossible // in my heart I would love to know if they are still alive, if they had a happy life, who they are BUT somethings are best left to lie. That is just in my case and slightly different but I understand the turmoil of not knowing .

@DiscoPotato, in time your son may take a DNA test.

@southeastlady
If I were you I would take an Ancestry DNA test. It would give you a more definitive answer than rumours from your cousin/ Aunt/Uncle.
I wouldn't approach the "widow" of your supposed father.
She may know nothing of you and it might be very upsetting.
I also wouldn't speak about it with your ailing stepfather. It would be stressful and he is terminally ill.

My adopted DH took a DNA test and it answered questions he had.

It can be difficult raising it - my birth sister was quite distressed about finding out about her mum having a child she didn’t know about and her (my) cousins got upset about wondering about it all and the birth father. For me I’m glad to ‘know’ my genes - fill in a missing bit and I did meet my birth brother which was great. I did, surprisingly to me, feel upset that I wasn’t ‘included’ in the female side so much and now pretty dropped although I didn’t and don’t view it as replacing parents. I am also sorry I caused the distress I did - fortunately they’d just found at a funeral (secrets never stay so however long it takes!) that I existed before we made contact so some questions were answered for them, although more raised. Best of luck with your decision OP. Totally get the wanting to know - it’s separate to what you have/feel about your main family but it’s hard to explain that I know.