Been lied to my whole life by my mum

[southeastlady]

Sorry if this sounds rambled;

I'm 38 and whenever I have asked who my real Dad is my mum always said it was someone she met on a night out and had a one night stand with

I have asked when I was a child and also when an adult in my 30's!

About 3 years ago I happened to be watching TV with my cousin (she's 16 years older than me) and 'Long Lost Family' came on. I said "I wish I knew who my real dad is"

She simply said "Your Dad's name is Joe Bloggs" (Obv not Joe Bloggs really) my biological dad was a friend of my uncle, my cousins dad

I nearly fell over!

My mum still has no idea I know the truth, should I confront her?

Its difficult because my Mum is married to a lovely man who I have called Dad since I was 3, he bought me up as his own child and I absolutely adore him. In 2018 not long after I found out the secret my 'dad' was diagnosed with an advanced cancer so I dont want to upset anyone by opening this can of worms

I cant believe my own mum was obviously quite happy for me to go through life not knowing who my real dad was

@southeastlady

Yes i'm certain of it, all my family were in on it except for me of course.

I have seen a few pictures of him, Im basically a female version of him

My best friend at school was in a similar position, in that everyone apart from her seemed to know that her dad wasn't her real dad, including some kids in the street who after a squabble would spit out, your dad isn't your dad.

In her teens she asked her mother who brushed it all aside, with of course he's your dad. Turned out he wasn't her biological father but she never found out who was. She's now in her 60s and all the older relatives long gone.

@Orgasmagorical

My mum still has no idea I know the truth, should I confront her?

Do you want to confront her? In the first instance you could ask her why she didn't/doesn't want you to know who your father is and take it from there.

How do you get on with her in general? Are you able to talk about other things freely with her?

Dont get on that well with her really, I get on great with my dad who isnt my dad lol

Sorry if its coming across as me drip feeding just typing things when it comes into my head;

When I was born my Mum was 25 and my bio dad was 45 which may have something to do with it, maybe in the 80's that big of an age gap was frowned upon even more so than now

Do you think your dad (the man who's been in your life since 3) would talk openly with you? Could he talk your mom round?

@girlmom21

Do you think your dad (the man who's been in your life since 3) would talk openly with you? Could he talk your mom round?

Good idea. I just dont want to put any stress on him as he has stage 4 advanced cancer

I can identify with some of that, southeastlady. I was an adopted child and was told (when I was four!), that my biological mother had died.

She hadn't died, I found out about her later on.

I never believed she had died but couldn't discuss it with my parents, my mum in particular would act quite miffed and told me I was 'ungrateful', etc. In later life, she was able to see that questions were natural and she should have handled it better so no hard feelings.

You could have siblings on your father's side, and they might be delighted to know about you. Ancestry.com do DNA tests to trace relatives. That's up to you of course.

I know I had no siblings from my bio mother, I was her only child; all I know about my father is his name and I believe he is dead now (they both are). I'm over 70, I know enough and don't want to look for anybody else.

Do you have children? I think when you have these unanswered questions, they become more important when you have a child of your own - the first and, sometimes, only person in your life of your flesh and blood.

It's interesting and sad at the same time.

Do you want to go and see this lady? She may be able to tell you something about your biological father. I’m sorry he died leaving you with so many unanswered questions.

@plumtree391 He had no other children just me

I have a 7 year old son who looks scarily like him, I often think I hope my mum sees him whenever she looks at her grandson

I see, sorry it wasn't clear from your first post that she pretended not to know his name. Thats hard. If it were me, I would assume the age gap and the sudden cut off suggested that it wasn't a situation that was good for your mother and so she distanced herself from it.

In the nicest possible way, if your biological father had wanted to be in your life he would have fought tooth & nail it be in it, but he clearly didn't did he?

You have had, however, the benefit of a wonderful father figure who you clearly adore.

Your bio dad may have given your mum a bit of money for you when you were a baby, but who put a roof over your head, fed you, took you to school, bought your clothes, birthday presents, held you when you cried etc?

It sounds like your mum & step dad did that; that makes them your parents in my eyes, your bio dad seems little more than a sperm donor.

Yes, your mum may have lied about the identity of your bio dad, but perhaps she was groomed/raped by him ("nice" guys do that too you know) perhaps he wasn't decent father material (he clearly liked women young enough to be his daughter for a start).

If you want to talk it through with your mum, make it a conversation, not an accusation as you really don't know the background to her decision and it could be a very painful one for her.

Talk to your Mum.

Not least, to find out if your cousin has the story right. What your cousin thinks she knows may be a cover story your Mother or grandparents gave out to family at the time. (Something that has happened in my own family more than once).

It's quite possible your mother has purposely NOT given you the real story for some other very good reason your cousin knows nothing about.

Perhaps your Mum has waited years to be able to tell you everything, and now her lovely husband has gone she may be ready to .

There can be multiple truths here.

Your mum could have been seeing this man you have been told is your father AND had a one night stand with another man and then finding out she was pregnant, not known who the father was.

You’re seeing a family resemblance looking at photographs, but without a DNA test you do not know for sure who your father is/was.

I’d go and see his lady friend. It doesn’t sound as if he would have kept you a secret.

@southeastlady

Sorry if its coming across as me drip feeding just typing things when it comes into my head;

When I was born my Mum was 25 and my bio dad was 45 which may have something to do with it, maybe in the 80's that big of an age gap was frowned upon even more so than now

I don't know about that, southeast. Your mum was a grown woman, not a teenager. I did wonder (I hope you don't mind me saying this), if he might have been married/separated when he was going out with your mother; that would have made things more difficult.

It's excellent that you grew up with such a good dad and I'm so sorry about his illness.

Perhaps you could have a very gentle chat with your step dad. Tell him you want to let him know what a fantastic dad he has been and that you appreciate his influence in your life.
You could say something like seeing his cancer makes you wonder about your own genetic make up.
If it leads down that path he may open up or talk to your mum later but I would be prepared to step back from it and not push too hard.
It's tricky. If your real dad were alive, there would be more to be gained from the difficult conversations.
I think I would give steering the conversation once last shot and if it doesn't work, wait until a less difficult time

Op there is so much unknown here.

Of course the family are going to tell you he was lovely. They would try to avoid causing you further pain.

Your father could have reached out to you, he didn’t, so it seems possible your mother was protecting you. Or maybe protecting herself, maybe she was very hurt by him. The truth is you don’t know what’s caused her to take the route of your stepfather raising you.

It’s up to you if you talk to her about it, but I think you should for closure. But I would advise against creating a fairy tale about him and demonising her, and prepare you may hear things you don’t like. 💐

PS: It's nice to know that he came to see you sometimes and gave your mother money for you. He obviously wanted to do the right thing.

I know that my bio father offered marriage to my mother and that pleases me a little bit. He came up to see her not long before she had me (she and her mother were staying with a friend of her mother - a long way from home :-)). However by that time all she wanted was to get it over and go home. She was 19.

Without speaking to your mom you won't know the truth unfortunately.

Well if you know who the man is and you can track him down you can find out without her.

I do think this is a terrible situation for you OP, I think it's disgraceful when women think they have the right to deny their child the right to know who their father is, it's a true disgrace and unforgivable.

OP, I would address this with your mum, but maybe aside from your poorly "dad" so it's not to upset him.

Sorry, didn't see your father was dead, that is why these lies are so potentially damaging, I can't believe women still think it's ok to lie to their children.

It's got to be your decision IMO as I was in a very similar situation and he passed away, only then did my mum disclose who he was first time I had anything to do with my dad was at his funeral. Horrible situation and my mum would of stopped me going to that too if she could of, she only told me his name after he had died, she obviously knew it just decided I didn't need to know, then wanted a load of sympathy because her childs dad had passed away, no concern for the fact I'd wanted to know who he was my whole life. Don't be railroaded into thinking what you need or want has to go through your mother if you want to get to know your father & you have the info, do so before it's too late.

PS: It's nice to know that he came to see you sometimes and gave your mother money for you. He obviously wanted to do the right thing

Please don’t do that it’s not ok. You’re trying to turn her against her mother by insinuating he wanted to do the right thing but she wouldn’t let him. Giving a little money is a million ,miles away from doing the right thing, doing the right thing is financially providing throughout her life and rhen reaching out when she was old enough to make her own decision,

My mother jilted a kind and gentle man to marry my father. He was physically and emotionally abusive to me my entire life. When I was 10 my grandmother introduced me to an "uncle" Jim who took a great interest in me throughout my teens. However she asked me not to mention him to my parents, saying they would not understand. When I was 18 uncle Jim died and my gran then told me he was the man my mother rejected. The man who should have been my father in the right of things. She asked me not to tell my parents (that I had met him) until after she was dead, and I kept my promise. My grandmother and I had many secrets.

Later I learned that uncle Jim had left money in his will to my grandmother, to be used at her discretion to help me in my future life. That money made it possible for me to train in a future career, get my own place, and eventually go to university. He had thought of me as if I had been his own daughter and never married.

I think you should sit down with your Mum and ask her everything you want to know. I am sure she will tell you. Ask her to be honest with you. Get it out in the open and you will all feel a relief and better for it. It is what is is, you need to know the truth and it's not the end of the world...imagine if you never found out? Now's your time to know the truth, don't worry about anything else. Good luck and stay cool it will be fine.

Hi, Im sorry to hear that your potential Bio is ill, I'm sure it's brought up a lot of feelings for you.

In the 80s there was still a stigma of being an unmarried mother- potentially shes felt it was best to limit contact at the time to protect you?

I think, as parents we all make decisions tha impact our DCs and we just do what we feel is right at the time - most of us fear the day that a wrong turn bites us on the ass!

Personally, i would suggest dealing with this as 2 separate relationships- you+mums, you+bios.

If there's no other children involved, potentially speaking with your mum about his illness and expressing an interest in reaching out may confirm what you've been told? I'd suggest a non-confrontational unconditional offer to tell you what she knows, with the awareness she may not be willing or able to discuss it with you, and maybe go from there?

These situations are always so difficult and individual, I really wish you all the best x

I imagine it was likely a requirement or demand of your stepdad before marrying her and taking you on, that contact was stopped. That would have been normal back then. Single mothers would gave been pressured to have the child adopted, or at very least not have had another man in contact