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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been lied to my whole life by my mum

105 replies

southeastlady · 14/09/2021 16:19

Sorry if this sounds rambled;

I'm 38 and whenever I have asked who my real Dad is my mum always said it was someone she met on a night out and had a one night stand with

I have asked when I was a child and also when an adult in my 30's!

About 3 years ago I happened to be watching TV with my cousin (she's 16 years older than me) and 'Long Lost Family' came on. I said "I wish I knew who my real dad is"

She simply said "Your Dad's name is Joe Bloggs" (Obv not Joe Bloggs really) my biological dad was a friend of my uncle, my cousins dad

I nearly fell over!

My mum still has no idea I know the truth, should I confront her?

Its difficult because my Mum is married to a lovely man who I have called Dad since I was 3, he bought me up as his own child and I absolutely adore him. In 2018 not long after I found out the secret my 'dad' was diagnosed with an advanced cancer so I dont want to upset anyone by opening this can of worms

I cant believe my own mum was obviously quite happy for me to go through life not knowing who my real dad was

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/09/2021 17:53

@Branleuse

I imagine it was likely a requirement or demand of your stepdad before marrying her and taking you on, that contact was stopped. That would have been normal back then. Single mothers would gave been pressured to have the child adopted, or at very least not have had another man in contact
I think you are confused. This was the eighties. The op is only 38, it wasn’t the fifties.
Orgasmagorical · 14/09/2021 17:55

Obviously I don't know the full story, I can understand when I was a child but when I was an adult ...

I would imagine you'll never be able to rest easy until you can get some kind of truth from your mum, if you think she'll be honest enough. You say you don't get on that well with her but do you think you'd be able to start the conversation in a gentle, non confrontational way, maybe explaining that you would like to know her side of the story, something along those lines?

I'm sure she has her reasons for wanting to keep your father's ID a secret but it doesn't appear to be a secret from anyone else in the family and that's not very fair on you Flowers

Sagaz · 14/09/2021 18:00

@Branleuse

I imagine it was likely a requirement or demand of your stepdad before marrying her and taking you on, that contact was stopped. That would have been normal back then. Single mothers would gave been pressured to have the child adopted, or at very least not have had another man in contact
My x was born in 1976 and his step father also begged my x's mother to at least tell him so that he could pass on the information after she died and she just wouldnt. This was holy catholic ireland too. I can only speculate that revealing the truth can make an embarrassing situation even more humiliating sometimes.
IAAP · 14/09/2021 18:01

There may be many reasons why -at the time he could have been married, in a relationship, or she was, or contraception failed or an accident. Even a new partner saying 'I take responsibility stop contact etc' -but it seems silly now that you know not to ask -
in fact normally I would say talk but I'd actually give her a text and say 'Hi Mum. Several people in the family have told me x is my biological father. I want you to know I love YOU and my father Y that raised me with all my heart. But I have some questions, I'm not angry etc but can we talk when you are free? Love Little Me xx

That way she knows you know and it gives her a chance to pull herself together and compose herself but I feel you have a right to ask, the response is her right and decision.

olidora63 · 14/09/2021 18:01

@Babdoc

OP, your mother may have been protecting you. Your biological father obviously doesn’t want anything to do with you, given that he has never been involved in your life. Your mum perhaps realised that you could be very hurt emotionally by the rejection, if you knew that he was your dad but he didn’t love you or care about you. Better to keep him out of the equation altogether. It sounds like he was a mere sperm donor. The man you have always called dad is the man who has put in the hard work of parenting, and deserves the title far more. Has it honestly made you any happier to find out the truth? Or just upset you, as your mum feared all along?
Exactly this 💐
Notaroadrunner · 14/09/2021 18:02

@Westfacing
In her teens she asked her mother who brushed it all aside, with of course he's your dad. Turned out he wasn't her biological father but she never found out who was. She's now in her 60s and all the older relatives long gone.

She could do an ancestry DNA test or similar and be linked to relatives who have also done it. She might well figure out who her biological father was that way. She could register her username as something else if she wanted to be anonymous at first.

whynotwhatknot · 14/09/2021 18:03

I think you need to ask her again-im sorry for your step dad being ill but youve asked many times and shes lied and lied

there was no reason to lie once you were an adult-she had no right to keep it from you

Plumtree391 · 14/09/2021 18:04

@Bluntness100

PS: It's nice to know that he came to see you sometimes and gave your mother money for you. He obviously wanted to do the right thing

Please don’t do that it’s not ok. You’re trying to turn her against her mother by insinuating he wanted to do the right thing but she wouldn’t let him. Giving a little money is a million ,miles away from doing the right thing, doing the right thing is financially providing throughout her life and rhen reaching out when she was old enough to make her own decision,

Oh no, I'm really not! I would never try to turn her against her mother, I just wanted her to think kindly (a bit), about her biological father, who is dead.

I'm so sorry, op, I never meant it like that.

DiscoPotato · 14/09/2021 18:05

I’m the mum in your situation.

My DS is 14 and I’ve never told him who is biological father is, he’s asked and I’ve just said i don’t know who he was, given a made up first name and said I only met him once.

I do know but I will never tell him.
The person who got me pregnant is well known to be a ‘lovely guy’ he was a part of my friendship group and was liked by everyone.
He sexually assaulted me.
Then acted like nothing happened,
and went as far as to push the narrative that I tried it on with him and he rejected me and I was bitter, which was why I was ‘acting off’.

I was traumatised but in denial, I tried to pretend like nothing happened because I knew he would be believed over me as he ‘was so lovely’ and ‘wasn’t the kind of person who would do that

when I realised I was pregnant I was already too far along to terminate.
I wanted to give the baby up for adoption so didn’t tell anyone, except one friend, who I ended up telling the whole story to and she didn’t believe me, she was sure it was a misunderstanding.

I changed my mind after DS was born and kept him, but when he found out I had a child, I lied about when he was born and said he wasn’t the father and I think out of relief he believed me.

I’ve never told anyone else and I will never tell DS, if I told him who it was I would have to tell him what happened and he doesn’t need that burden.

And selfishly I wouldn’t want him forming a relationship with the man who pretended to be my friend for years, violated me and tried to make out I was crazy and obsessed with him to explain why I was acting standoffish.

Some things are better off as a lie.

You don’t know why your mum lied to you, some things aren’t as they seem, she may have her reasons.

Embroidery · 14/09/2021 18:06

This man could have done all sorts of things to make your mum need to leave him. Just read all the LTB threads on here.
Its very possible that he was abusive/ coercive control /having affairs.
Or more likely:
Born in the 90s? Woman in her 20s and man in his 40s. Its also very possible it wasnt serious at all. And its very possible she was sleeping with other men (I was in those days) and got randomly pregnant. Very possible 45yo isnt the dad, maybe theyd fallen out or not seen each other in weeks.
Even if he was the sperm, maybe he didnt want to have anything to do with the situation, pressed her into an abortion and said if she didnt have one he'd have nothing to do with her.
A bit of guilt and a bit of money once the baby was here, and one or two visits does not make him dad.
After all you mum has been through and given you, to side with a flaky man who was never there, and made that very clear to your mum, quite deliberately, is very harsh.

Plumtree391 · 14/09/2021 18:08

Disco, you are right not to tell your son. There's a lot of talk about children having the 'right' to know who their parents are but what child would want to know their father assaulted their mother? That's too much for them to process.

I'm so sorry you went through that - and that your friend didn't believe you. Gosh you did go through a lot.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 14/09/2021 18:11

@DiscoPotato I am so sorry that happened to you. I completely understand why you wouldn't want him to know. I hate what these "lovely" guys get away with.

I completely agree with @Bluntness100.

"Op there is so much unknown here.

Of course the family are going to tell you he was lovely. They would try to avoid causing you further pain.

Your father could have reached out to you, he didn’t, so it seems possible your mother was protecting you. Or maybe protecting herself, maybe she was very hurt by him. The truth is you don’t know what’s caused her to take the route of your stepfather raising you.

It’s up to you if you talk to her about it, but I think you should for closure. But I would advise against creating a fairy tale about him and demonising her, and prepare you may hear things you don’t like. 💐"

Tread carefully OP, I hope you get the answers you need.

IAAP · 14/09/2021 18:13

My eldest's biological father has had nothing to do with her -total and utter reaction. Nothing since the day she was born. For 14 years he worked abroad so he didn't get an maintenance and he's now back in London -the minute I go to the CMS he will demand a DNA test, get his name on the BC and then bugger off abroad again -so why do it?

Orgasmagorical · 14/09/2021 18:13

DiscoPotato Flowers Flowers Flowers

Embroidery · 14/09/2021 18:15

Sorry to hear that @DiscoPotato. I hadnt read your post before I wrote mine.
You sound like a great mum and you did your best for your DS. Im so glad you kept him. Life is tough sometimes but bringing up children gives moments of joy to make it easier. Youre right to protect your child.
Xx Flowers

Anordinarymum · 14/09/2021 18:31

OP I think you should ask your mum for the truth. Tell her that you know about him and ask her to explain things so you can understand why she has decided never to tell you. You have the right to know - good or bad.

flibberyjibbery8 · 14/09/2021 18:35

With your dad being ill and the fact you've managed to keep it to yourself this long I'd see if you can wait longer. Your bio dad is gone so imo this should just be a chat with your mum. You need to be together as a unit for your dad, this might rock the boat and cause friction x

BluebellsGreenbells · 14/09/2021 18:36

Why not visit your fathers wife? She may well know about you, even if she doesn’t she may have some background to your father?

She has no reason not to talk to you, does she?

Westfacing · 14/09/2021 18:37

@Notaroadrunner - my friend, like me, is nearly 67 so I think she just wants to let sleeping dogs lie.

She was very close to her 'dad' the man who brought her up from a baby and was devastated when he died some years ago; her mother is also long dead.

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/09/2021 18:42

I've had the same sort of thing from my mum she told me a name but refuses to say anything further whatsoever about him.

Oblomov21 · 14/09/2021 18:43

You need to talk to your mum. Why don't you just tell her everything you've said on this thread.

TweetyPieBird · 14/09/2021 18:44

@southeastlady When I was born my Mum was 25 and my bio dad was 45 which may have something to do with it, maybe in the 80's that big of an age gap was frowned upon even more so than now

I would argue that large age gaps are more frowned upon nowadays than back in the 80s. Your bio dad was old enough to be your mum’s own father. Your family clearly do not approve (might not be the age gap although it is a huge age gap) and that is why they have kept this secret. He may have raped or abused your mum and that is why she has always been firm about keeping you away from him.

PaintedL4dy · 14/09/2021 18:45

OP I would find support in a forum dedicated to this kind of issue. People who haven't gone through it can say all sorts of offensive things without meaning to. "Just a sperm doner", "She didn't really lie", "Nothing's really changed", "Your dad's still your dad" etc.

@Closetbeanmuncher this is pretty much what my mum did, but she did say my conception was not in negative circumstances. I had his name and rough age. I was able to track him down and meet him.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 14/09/2021 18:54

Tbh I think you should stop worrying about upsetting other people and out yourself first here.
Since you watch long lost family I know seeing the people on there have a lifelong longing to know where they came from, who their relatives are . So your mum hasn't thought about and what you might like to know about your history.
I'm sure your step dad would understand.

You need to do what's right for you and not have any regrets. How would you feel if something happened to your bio dad before you had a chance to speak to him?

Goingdriving · 14/09/2021 18:58

Hello,
It’s shocking news and I understand why you have been dwelling on it all this time. It’s also disconcerting to think that your cousin new your biological fathers details but you didn’t.
I think you can ask your mother. And if your mother doesn’t answer I think you can contact the man himself. And if you want to go about it sideways you could try doing a DNA family testing kit which may give you clues (if you’re biological father or his close relatives are already on the site you will have your answers). I suggest you get some guidance from people who do genealogical tracing and matching ti work out how to proceed.