Been lied to my whole life by my mum

[southeastlady]

Sorry if this sounds rambled;

I'm 38 and whenever I have asked who my real Dad is my mum always said it was someone she met on a night out and had a one night stand with

I have asked when I was a child and also when an adult in my 30's!

About 3 years ago I happened to be watching TV with my cousin (she's 16 years older than me) and 'Long Lost Family' came on. I said "I wish I knew who my real dad is"

She simply said "Your Dad's name is Joe Bloggs" (Obv not Joe Bloggs really) my biological dad was a friend of my uncle, my cousins dad

I nearly fell over!

My mum still has no idea I know the truth, should I confront her?

Its difficult because my Mum is married to a lovely man who I have called Dad since I was 3, he bought me up as his own child and I absolutely adore him. In 2018 not long after I found out the secret my 'dad' was diagnosed with an advanced cancer so I dont want to upset anyone by opening this can of worms

I cant believe my own mum was obviously quite happy for me to go through life not knowing who my real dad was

I’m so sorry. I posted too soon. It is never to late to try snd connect. He may have other close relatives (your close relatives) who can answer some of your questions. I speak as someone who has traced and contacted close relatives.

You need to do what's right for you and not have any regrets. How would you feel if something happened to your bio dad before you had a chance to speak to him?

Wow, that's insensitive :(

She probably told you that to protect you because your bio dad likely didn't want a baby.
She raised you and you have a great dad. I daresay the person who is your bio creator knows about you (as he is a friend of family).Don't give this person more importance just because he is ill.

Hi OP
I think you should stop worrying about how this will affect other members of your family and think about yourself. This is about you and your own truth. You deserve to know the truth. I wonder if you’ve been conditioned to put their needs before your own?
I’m speaking from a similar situation. I knew from around 11 I was adopted within my family. I was told all sorts of lies about my bio father. I was told to keep a secret. It had a massive effect on me. If I ever mentioned it I was made to feel guilty, or met with lies or just told it wasn’t being talked about.
Many years later, I decided I wanted to at least know what he looked like (he had already died). I was worried because I’d been told they were an awful family.
Found them and all the lies unravelled. I’m so grateful to have found my extended family and I keep I touch with them regularly. They are lovely people. They all knew about me and thought about me for years. The family resemblance is strong. And it’s done so much for my mental well-being.

OP said her biological dad died in 2016 so it is too late to meet him, and that he also had no other children.

I was around in the 80s and I doubt being a single mother (though kind of looked down upon then) would have been a reason not to tell someone who their birth father was. Nor the simple fact of the age gap. Though if he was a family friend of some sort, it could have been seen as an inappropriate relationship. In some ways OPs mother has been honest and not tried to pass off the step father as the birth dad. And maybe she truly doesn't know that he was the father. Just because he visited and gave money - there could be another explanation for that (a friend helping a single mother?).

If the cousin truly knows the truth, then either the birth father or OP's mother must have told them. And if so, it's very unfair not to gave confirmed it by now - maybe OP's mother can't bear to admit she has lied all this time?

OP I think in your shoes I'd ask your mother why people have told you X is your birth dad. She may spin another story, but faced with the 'knowledge' you have, may simply tell you. I don't think I could pass up that chance. Maybe not now while your step dad is so ill, but at some point.

Just to clarify..

You say your bio father was an uncle's friend. Is this uncle on your mother's or your father's side of the family?

Is the uncle alive? Or his wife- your aunt?

One thing to consider is that no one other than your Mum knows the truth.

She may have had a relationship with your uncle's friend.
But she may have conceived you with someone else- a one night stand.
She may have been seeing two men and isn't sure who the father is.

My guess is that if your bio father was involved with your extended family, through your uncle, your mum found it too awkward as time went on.

I think you either need to bury this for good in your own mind or talk to your mum.

It might help to discuss the pros and cons with a counsellor.
If you talk to you mum the risk is you create a rift, or you might become closer. But given your step dad's health, your mum and him will have a lot on their plates already.

Would it be selfish to raise this now?

Interesting the range of opinions here.

Given the bio dad is dead and no relationship can be had ever, does the OP have a right to know that is greater than her Mum's right to keep something private?

Interesting philosophical/ ethical question.

I don't think there is a simple answer.

@JinglingHellsBells

Interesting the range of opinions here.

Given the bio dad is dead and no relationship can be had ever, does the OP have a right to know that is greater than her Mum's right to keep something private?

Interesting philosophical/ ethical question.

I don't think there is a simple answer.

You’ve raised an interesting point there. I was about to say that, as a parent, it’s your job to be honest with your children. Then it occurred to me, I haven’t always been honest with mine, in terms of there are some things I’d rather they didn’t know because it may influence their opinion of other people. And I’d rather they didn’t know some of the stupid things I did when I was younger! Being a good influence and all that! But I think where parentage is concerned, the child should be told the truth and the parent should state it, no matter how hard it is. If only for the sake of hereditary illnesses!

You have had some cunty replies OP.

I don't think the fact that your bio father never got in touch proves that he didn't want to know, and its shitty for people who know little about the situation to imply this is the case.

I met my bio father for the first time in my late twenties. Different from you in that I had thought my dad was my bio father as he had married my mum before I was born. It transpired that my bio father would have liked to be involved but my mum told him she planned to marry someone else and asked him not to interfere.
(No abuse, just to be clear. Mum just decided she would prefer to go back home to her boyfriend. She had been living abroad temporarily when she met my bio father.)

No, he hasn't paid any child support. No, he didn't interfere in my mum's relationship by insisting on having a relationship with me. What he did do was take her at her word that this is what she wanted, and be available to meet me when I finally found out. None of it was his fault, he just made the best of a shitty situation.

OP, I feel awful for you that your bio father died before you got to meet him. Its shit that your mum lied.

To the PPs who have said your mother had her reasons. That's probably true, there is always reasons. But there is no excuse for lying to a child about their parentage.

@PaintedL4dy

OP I would find support in a forum dedicated to this kind of issue. People who haven't gone through it can say all sorts of offensive things without meaning to. "Just a sperm doner", "She didn't really lie", "Nothing's really changed", "Your dad's still your dad" etc.

@Closetbeanmuncher this is pretty much what my mum did, but she did say my conception was not in negative circumstances. I had his name and rough age. I was able to track him down and meet him.

I agree that an adoption type forum might have more help as people will better understand the urge for answers about biological origins.

Too many posters are guessing about your mother's motives or warning you off because of how you might feel if you find out some of those reasons are upsetting. Only you can weigh up the need to know versus those risks.

For what it is worth, mother refused to tell a child she had adopted out who the father was. She said she didn't know. We (her other children) know that's a lie - it was the result of an affair but just don't know who with - but she continued to refuse, through shame & stubborness, and half-sibling never did find out. That's been very hard for sibling to live with. And for me, as I think it was unkind.

On the other hand your mum may have very genuine reasons for not telling you. If you do decide to talk to her (it doesn't have to be a 'confrontation') then be prepared for a difficult response. If she was abandoned by him, controlled or assaulted she may be angry with you for pushing it, upset and very distressed to talk about it, or just clam up and refuse to talk. I am speaking from experience here of talking to my mother about a range of sensitive family issues.

Also you can't assume anything about why your Dad never made contact with you. Maybe he did care, maybe he didn't. A close family member stepped away from a baby fathered from a fling, as the mother had met a new man who wanted to raise it as his own and the mother insisted this was the best option and she had not put him on the birth certificate so he had limited rights. He regretted it later (child and him did meet as adults and now have a relationship). On the other hand, my father abandoned 2 young children from a previous marriage without much of a backwards glance.

The desire to know more of your history and background can be very strong. It is enormously frustrating when the one person who can tell you more refuses to do so. I wish you well whatever you decide to do.

@Babdoc

OP, your mother may have been protecting you. Your biological father obviously doesn’t want anything to do with you, given that he has never been involved in your life. Your mum perhaps realised that you could be very hurt emotionally by the rejection, if you knew that he was your dad but he didn’t love you or care about you. Better to keep him out of the equation altogether. It sounds like he was a mere sperm donor. The man you have always called dad is the man who has put in the hard work of parenting, and deserves the title far more. Has it honestly made you any happier to find out the truth? Or just upset you, as your mum feared all along?

How can you just assume as such?!?!

My dad has another daughter. She is 6 years older than me.

He never even knew she existed as her 'mother' did a runner when she found out she was pregnant and fucked off to Canada.

OP, you don't know that your dad wasn't interested or didn't want you, so please don't think that.
If you feel like now is the right time for answers, then go for it! Life is way too short. But please condition yourself to not get the answers you're looking for.

Best of luck, bite the bullet and go for it I'd say. It's YOUR dad and you absolutely have a right to know.

What a lovely 'dad' you've had also, from raising you from 3. ❤️

Hi OP, this situation is about understanding your identity not trying to replace your dad so don’t feel like you’re being disloyal to your father or mother for wanting to know more about your bio father💐 Your mum has chosen to withhold information from you for her own reasons , that’s her choice. Your an adult now and can chose to explore the identity of your bio father however you like, at the moment your mother doesn’t need to know or be involved. I would start by meeting his partner and she will likely give you more information about what happened and who he was, photos etc. See how you feel after that and whether you still want to ask your mother about it; you may decide you’ve got everything you need to satisfy your interest without upsetting your mum. Remember it’s your right to know who your bio dad was, inc health information for you and your child so never feel guilty about that xxx

I'm not sure I'd be able to keep this quiet. I think I would have to say something without revealing my sources.

It honestly baffles me why some people really want to meet and find their ‘real’ family (I don’t mean that to sound sarcy, genuinely curious). I don’t know my ‘dad’ and I don’t care to, although my mum has always been open and honest with me. Is it more a trust issue for you now? I never felt like I missed out on anything my mum did it all shes my hero 😍

Sounds like your mum was open and honest and that’s brilliant, exactly how it should be @RoundRainbow
From my personal viewpoint, I became more curious when some things family members stopped making sense. So I went looking. Also because one of my children thought they were adopted, as they looked different to the others!
I hoped for one photo but gained so much more.

Sorry, when things they SAID stopped making sense!

Oh man, I haven’t stopped all day and I’ve just realised I quoted your post right back at you! I should quit while I’m behind @RoundRainbow!!

I have a family member with a not dissimilar situation to you. ThT family member made contact with their biological dad 2 years ago, despite being asked not to by their mother.

It’s a natural human instinct to want to know where you came from. You are well within your rights to make contact if it’s what you want.

So are you going to confront her? Just tell her: "I know who my dad was"

I'd confront her. Try to learn her side of why she couldn't bring herself to tell you truth.

I feel for you. It's unclear if the man who was your biological father was made to step out of your life eg if the family pressured him, or your mum begged him to walk away and never contact you again. The only fact you know is your mother took the decision, for you to work out for yourself what kind of a man (good or bad) he was, away from you. This was her right as a parent when you were a child, but not when you became an adult.

Coming to see you when your were a baby is lovely. It is possible that he spoke about you with the lady he went onto marry and share his life with.

I suppose where my mind goes is that you're entitled to having a complex set of feelings here! I'd probably seek counselling to help come to some decisions about what you want to do. The BACP have a register of private therapists.

To the PPs who are criticising my analysis of the situation:
OP has been an adult for at least 20 years. Her bio dad clearly knew she existed, and according to the cousin visited her as a baby.
Therefore, whatever the mother’s wishes, dad could have contacted OP independently and privately, at any point after her 18th birthday, up until his death. He didn’t . For two decades.
That to me strongly indicates that he didn’t want to.
And mother may well have been shielding OP from the hurt and disappointment of being unwanted by her bio father.

I feel for you. It’s an emotional situation.

I think people here are too influenced by their own situations in giving advice. We don’t know if he was a good or bad man so why speculate? Maybe there’s some bad history or maybe he was forced to stay away. You can’t say.

I guess you should think that if your mum passed away would you regret not bringing this up?

People have mentioned speaking with your step dad but he might not know. Maybe she said the same thing to him. I don’t know about asking him such things when he’s sick. You’re a better judge of that.

On the issue of women not telling their children who their father is. I’d find it hard to judge in some circumstances but I wonder if the child has a better chance of making peace with it if they know. Even if it’s not a pleasant story.

@lljkk

So are you going to confront her? Just tell her: "I know who my dad was"

I'd confront her. Try to learn her side of why she couldn't bring herself to tell you truth.

Yes but gently, she is a very old lady now and had her reasons for keeping schtum.

I think the op might get more information from other family members who knew her bio father; even his partner who wouldn't have been involved in the situation surrounding op's birth, therefore no vested interest, but would likely enjoy talking about him. She would have known him better and more recently than any others.

So many families have secrets, some are never revealed.

@Babdoc

OP, your mother may have been protecting you. Your biological father obviously doesn’t want anything to do with you, given that he has never been involved in your life

That's a massive leap you have no idea if this is true at all.

@RoundRainbow

It honestly baffles me why some people really want to meet and find their ‘real’ family (I don’t mean that to sound sarcy, genuinely curious). I don’t know my ‘dad’ and I don’t care to, although my mum has always been open and honest with me. Is it more a trust issue for you now? I never felt like I missed out on anything my mum did it all shes my hero 😍

That's lovely, RoundRainbow. If you have a really happy upbringing it is probably less important and you did have your lovely mother who was honest with you.

A completely different scenario but it's generally the absent mothers of adopted children whom children want to meet or at least know about first off, I know I did.

I think what is difficult is when other people know a lot about your family background but nobody tells you! I was always told to keep quiet about my adoption, not let anyone know, as if it was a taboo subject - but loads of people knew! As a child I even overheard a conversation between two adults talking about me. That is grossly unfair.

A friend of mine was in the op's position, the person she believed was her dad, wasn't. She didn't discover this until adulthood and was very upset because other relatives and friends were aware of the fact (even her brothers), and said, "We thought you knew". It unfortunately caused a rift between her and her mum which was sad.