Another sex one... can it be ok to stay? Has anyone ever found a way back?

[Baseballkitten]

DH and I are currently seeing Relate, we’ve not been operating as a couple for years and years - I have had the dc unilaterally and he’s carried on as if more or less single.
Three areas at Relate are: time as couple, communication and sex.

I am basically only here for the dc although I care about Dh. I can’t decide if I’d miss him or if it would be missing the family unit and the safety and familiarity. He used to be away for work for a couple of weeks at a time and I didn’t ever miss him but I suppose that’s not the same thing.

We’ve had a really poor sex life for a very long time and we were at six years and counting. However since we sort of hit crisis point and started seeing Relate DH is trying to initiate sex quite frequently - and I still don’t want to. I can’t imagine ever wanting to, but that seems a really awful thing to say. A few times I’ve just gone along with it because I know it must be hurtful to DH and also I can feel it makes him angry, which is reasonable as rejection is hurtful.
But when we do have sex I try and work out how few times I can get away with kissing him. How quickly I can make it be over. Afterwards i usually feel really upset.
I can only ever see me being in a place where I tolerate sex with DH, at best. It makes me feel dread - when he does the whole ‘let’s get the dc to bed early and have an early night’ I feel dread and resignation in equal parts.

But I want to keep my family together. I don’t know what to do about this. I genuinely can’t see it changing but I suppose I hope that it will. There’s never been much of a spark from my side I suppose and we’ve been together for nearly 20 years and married for 15. DH is a perfectly nice looking man - and yet, and yet, intimacy with him feels weird and uncomfortable to me. Kissing him makes me feel awful, I don’t decide it, my body just goes nope. The thought of oral sex with him is absolutely no, but luckily (I suppose) he’s never liked giving and so has never done that. I might possibly be able to make myself give but receiving would be an absolute no now. Years ago I would have liked him to but never really discussed it as I knew he didn’t like it, which again is fair enough.

Sorry, that was long.
Is there a possible way forwards? I am not asexual or anything, I just don’t fancy DH I suppose, but it is more than that.
I know logically the options are:
Stay and keep having sex I don’t want and hope it improves.
Stay and tell DH I can’t have sex with him again - he wouldn’t want to open the marriage and nor would I really. I think it could be messy. I appreciate if I don’t want sex with him he is entitled to leave to find someone else.
Or just accept the marriage is over and leave.

There are dc involved here too.

You said even when you had the DC’s he continued the life of a single person. I wonder has that made you resentfull of him that its just built up over time?

Do not remain in such a marriage because of the children. They are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him because of them. They likely on some level know that something bad is amiss here re you two and they may well be wondering why you and he are infact still together.

Your H is who he is; he is not for changing and you cannot change him. Both your options re staying are non starters and are completely untenable.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You want them to grow up thinking that a loveless relationship is their norm too?. No you do not.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one for what are really your own reasons (perhaps these also include fear of the unknown, not wanting to be "alone", money concerns etc).

I don’t resent him exactly, it’s more that we’ve been very distant. I’ve done my thing with the dc and he’s just got on with what he wants to do.
We’ve not been a family unit, it’s been operating separately.

You're not operating as a family unit so you won't have to worry about that if you separate. You wouldn't be forcing yourself to have sex with a man you're not attracted to. You'd be able to have time to yourself when he has the kids.

You're not happy and there's no way you can see yourself being truly happy with him. You're just dragging out the stress and pain for everyone by staying I think.

Have either of you brought up opening the marriage? Maybe therapy would be a safe space to approach that topic

No, we wouldn’t be able to discuss it and I think it would be a disaster. DH wouldn’t react well.

Option 3, accept the marriage is over and leave. I think there’s a high chance your DH will seek intimacy elsewhere and that will be more painful for you.

Weirdly I don’t think he would, although I wouldn’t blame him. He doesn’t seem that bothered.

How do you feel about him having sex with someone else? If you'd feel nothing/relieved, then call it a day in the marriage.

Don't waste on more second of your life in this horrible marriage. Just reading how you feel about having sex with your husband made me feel sick. That is not how your life has to be, and the whole dynamic is a horrible example for your children.

Do you still have a ‘normal’ libido but you just don’t fancy or want to be intimate with your DH?

Yes, I don’t want to be celibate forever.
I just keep hoping it’ll get better but I don’t know how to get there.
I don’t think I’m ever going to want it exactly, with DH, but if it could feel ok then that would be better than where I am now.

Why do you at all keep hoping that this will get better?. Where did that all start with you?.

No I don't think you can get the sexual attraction back and what you are putting yourself through sounds horrible and may ultimately damage your mental health.

I think you need to be honest and say that you need to separate as you don't want sex with him, or an open marriage.

Once the decision is made, it will be easier to talk through everything else. You will definitely be in a better place once those early steps have been taken.

What would be your reasons for staying together? If the children are used to spending a lot of time without their dad, would they miss him if he moved out?

What are the finances like?

It’s not fair to expect your DH to remain in a celibate marriage just because you want to keep your family together.

Probably these questions aren't ones you want to answer on a public forum but..
Do you fantasise about other individuals? Do you do 'sexual self care'? I suppose what I'm getting at it is being really sure it is him and not a general lack of libido. Did you fancy him in the early days? What about him did you find sexy? As I say, not questions to answer publicly but good to be clear on.

I'm sorry but I think this is over.

Sounds like their is nothing left if you don't even like him kissing you. You have managed with DC on your own anyway so I would just separate and make the split official. Try to keep on good terms for children.

For some reason, the way you described how you feel about your husband made me wonder if you might be gay. But even assuming that's not that's the case, you might ad well be for all the hope there us for this marriage. Apart from still eanting sex, seems like he left you years ago...

Not sure what your employment status is...you and DH?

We are both employed, I don’t think financially it would be a major issue.
DH wants to save the marriage, I want to save the marriage - so why can’t I? This is why I am stuck - i can’t accept myself that it’s over.

I could have written your post except that we have not got as far as Relate.
I totally understand how you feel. I do not want sex with my husband ever again. We haven’t done it for over 9 months. It is not my libido, I just don’t ever want to again - my body and head say No.
Like you, I look after the children. He finishes work and does what he likes. He warns the money; I’m a SAHM (15 years since I’ve had paid employment). He goes off drinking for 7+ hours at a time.
I’ve told him I don’t want to have sex with him and suggested that we can separate or he can find someone else with which to have that side satisfied. He asked if I want to sleep with someone else - I cowardly said No, I don’t want sex with anyone when the truth is yes but not with him.
I am not scared of being on my own; I know I am capable of looking after my children. I am worried financially. I need to look for a job that fits in round the children.
I think you are in a strong position. You are capable of looking after your children by yourself. You are financially ok (secure?). I don’t know what is stopping you - he may be a good man but when it’s done, it’s done. Good luck x

This is so odd. You say both of you want to "save" the marriage, but to what end? There's nothing to save here, you've been living separate lives for years, and you can't even bear to be intimate with the man. I think your husband wants to stay as it is for an easy life, not because he actually cares about you or the marriage.

Let him go ok, it's almost cruel what you're doing when for you it's over.