Another sex one... can it be ok to stay? Has anyone ever found a way back?

[Baseballkitten]

DH and I are currently seeing Relate, we’ve not been operating as a couple for years and years - I have had the dc unilaterally and he’s carried on as if more or less single.
Three areas at Relate are: time as couple, communication and sex.

I am basically only here for the dc although I care about Dh. I can’t decide if I’d miss him or if it would be missing the family unit and the safety and familiarity. He used to be away for work for a couple of weeks at a time and I didn’t ever miss him but I suppose that’s not the same thing.

We’ve had a really poor sex life for a very long time and we were at six years and counting. However since we sort of hit crisis point and started seeing Relate DH is trying to initiate sex quite frequently - and I still don’t want to. I can’t imagine ever wanting to, but that seems a really awful thing to say. A few times I’ve just gone along with it because I know it must be hurtful to DH and also I can feel it makes him angry, which is reasonable as rejection is hurtful.
But when we do have sex I try and work out how few times I can get away with kissing him. How quickly I can make it be over. Afterwards i usually feel really upset.
I can only ever see me being in a place where I tolerate sex with DH, at best. It makes me feel dread - when he does the whole ‘let’s get the dc to bed early and have an early night’ I feel dread and resignation in equal parts.

But I want to keep my family together. I don’t know what to do about this. I genuinely can’t see it changing but I suppose I hope that it will. There’s never been much of a spark from my side I suppose and we’ve been together for nearly 20 years and married for 15. DH is a perfectly nice looking man - and yet, and yet, intimacy with him feels weird and uncomfortable to me. Kissing him makes me feel awful, I don’t decide it, my body just goes nope. The thought of oral sex with him is absolutely no, but luckily (I suppose) he’s never liked giving and so has never done that. I might possibly be able to make myself give but receiving would be an absolute no now. Years ago I would have liked him to but never really discussed it as I knew he didn’t like it, which again is fair enough.

Sorry, that was long.
Is there a possible way forwards? I am not asexual or anything, I just don’t fancy DH I suppose, but it is more than that.
I know logically the options are:
Stay and keep having sex I don’t want and hope it improves.
Stay and tell DH I can’t have sex with him again - he wouldn’t want to open the marriage and nor would I really. I think it could be messy. I appreciate if I don’t want sex with him he is entitled to leave to find someone else.
Or just accept the marriage is over and leave.

There are dc involved here too.

Ok that’s good that financially it is viable, that can stop you feeling as trapped.
I get the Christmas and holiday thing, I really do. But it is possible to maintain a good relationship with your ex, me and my ex still do Xmas morning together, even though we split 3 years ago. And even if this isn’t possible you make ‘now normals’ and different experiences.
You’re terrified of change, I get that, but once you do it you realise that there yes your life isn’t as you planned, but you have a different kind of life that actually you are a lot happier in.

My children live 50/50 between me and their dad and they’re really happy and well rounded. It took around a year I would say for them to get used to it however now it is their normal.

I didn’t hate my ex either (he’s a lovely person - just not right for me). He desperately didn’t want fo separate and said he was happy. Well now he is with someone who is far better suited to him and he has told me that I never made him feel as good about himself as she does. He realises now how wrong it was between us, but he couldn’t see it at the time, and your partner won’t be able to either. Your partner will also be terrified of change, like you are and so desperately clinging to what you have.
Why don’t you get some counselling on your own so that you can really explore your issues. Not your issues with him but explore maybe why you are desperately holding onto something that is dead in the water. And also to address your depression, which to be honest is probably stemming from your relationship? Work on yourself a bit, not you as a partner, wife or mum, but you as a person and see how you feel then?

Thank you - I’m glad you are all happier now.
That is what I would hope for, but it still feels like it would be a massive disaster.
I think until I can reconcile my own expectations of the nuclear family for me and my children I’m just going to be stuck
There is an element of losing myself since I had the dc, I guess a lot of women find that happens. I just go along on a relentless mum / wife treadmill without much else apart from work. The pandemic hasn't helped but it was like this before then.

You need to stop doing the things you don't want to do. I really don't think you should be playing out this charade of pretending to want to have sex with him. It is bad for you and for him.

Do you do anything fun just for yourself such as arrange things with friends? I’m not saying this would help your marriage but it may break the monotony of work, kids, house, repeat.

You only get one life OP, is this really how you want to spend yours? Do you think you'll be content when you are elderly and look back?

I haven’t for a long time because of having the children all the time but since I left and DH started to make more effort I’ve had a couple of days at the weekend where I’ve left the dc with him and gone out. I do feel a bit burnt out.

If course he's happy, he is carrying on as a single man whilst you do all the graft and mental load!! He literally doesn't care that you are miserable.

When you go away do you have to sort all meal plans, shopping, what the DC are doing or do you get to just say bye & walk out the door like he does?

He also gets to demand from you affection 🤮

He is so far from even recognising the issues he thinks a "dirty weekend away" is what you want and what needs fixing. It doesn't involve him doing his share of parenting, mental load or house work.

What do you talk about in your relate sessions?

You really have to leave. Would you want this kind of relationship for one of your children in the future? I know it's not easy but I genuinely think it's for the best

*But when we do have sex I try and work out how few times I can get away with kissing him. How quickly I can make it be over. Afterwards i usually feel really upset.
*
This is really upsetting OP. Stop doing sexual acts that you don't want to do. There is no need to ever do any sex act you don't want to.

I know you don't want it to be over but it sounds like it is. I'm sorry.

We had relate last night, they have told me I have severe depression. DH is now saying he thinks that’s the problem, not our relationship. They’ve said no more sessions until I’ve had treatment for the depression. DH did a big speech about how I’m not in it on my own, and it’s our problem, not just mine and he’ll support me etc etc.
This has not been the experience until now. Relate woman said what stood out is that I’m still fairly young and there’s not been much fun in my life.

Sadly I think ditching your H may do more for your depression then anything else!!!

Please start therapy on your own, depression due to him or not it will help you.

He is saying and doing all the right things now, I just said it was difficult to sort of forget how it had been.
Plus the sex 😩😩😩😩
I suppose maybe counselling would help me to reconcile the wanting to want to stay but not actually wanting to.

Oh @Baseballkitten it sounds a lot like my couples session. My individual ones were great, but the couples was a disaster and went completely in a way I didnt expect, him turning on the charm, playing the victim. Your depression is down to him!!!! I would get your own sessions first. It's really horrible, I know :(

You need to tell him sex is off the table for the foreseeable future and you need to be emotionally intimate together.

The longer you kiss or have sex whilst feeling like this the worse your depression will get tbh.

I suppose maybe counselling would help me to reconcile the wanting to want to stay but not actually wanting to.

Yes, individual counselling will do that. You can't both stay and not-stay so it will help you figure out what you truly feel and what's most important to you in future. I've been quite worried about how separated you seem from your own feelings, and a counsellor will help with that.

DH is now saying he thinks that’s the problem, not our relationship.

Your DH is talking like a fool. It's both. They are feeding each other. Once you have worked on the depression a bit, you'll find it's clearer what you need to do about the marriage.

DH did a big speech about how I’m not in it on my own, and it’s our problem, not just mine and he’ll support me etc etc. This has not been the experience until now.

Maybe he's not being quite honest with hinmself, or Relate, or you. Wishful thinking, not fact. And minimising his own contribution to your depression, as well as getting himself out of any responsibility for improving the marriage.

If you want to put him on the spot then ask him exactly what he plans to do to support you. As RandomMess says a good start would be for you to say clearly that there's not going to be any kissing or sex for the time being while you build up emotional intimacy, and for him to accept it.

Relate woman said what stood out is that I’m still fairly young and there’s not been much fun in my life.

That's a good point. You need some fun!

If your unit has always operated so separately why do you want to keep it together so much. It doesnt sound hopeful to me I cant see you staying once the kids arent there any longer.

Are you the OP who did a thread 'I'm so trapped '? @cornfieldrainbow ?

This sounds awful. I can't imagine not fancying my DH although I only married him yesterday . We have been together 19 years though. But I think it also can't be nice for your DH to initiate sex and you don't even want to kiss him. I think you need to accept your marriage is over. Kids will pick up on this anyway.

This is really sad. I had a very similar marriage in some ways. My ex husband did nothing for the connection of our family, he wasn’t present in it at all. I stopped wanting to have sex because he was a stranger to me basically. You have one life, it’s not worth living like this you end up numb inside.

He desperately didn’t want fo separate and said he was happy. Well now he is with someone who is far better suited to him and he has told me that I never made him feel as good about himself as she does. He realises now how wrong it was between us, but he couldn’t see it at the time, and your partner won’t be able to either. Your partner will also be terrified of change, like you are and so desperately clinging to what you have.

I think this is what keeps a lot of people together. It's not something positive, it's a fear of change and life being worse.

If the finances are manageable, it's surprising how many people are happier single and others create space for a new person in their lives who allows them to leave a lot of baggage behind and become better versions of themselves.