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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another sex one... can it be ok to stay? Has anyone ever found a way back?

146 replies

Baseballkitten · 12/09/2021 13:22

DH and I are currently seeing Relate, we’ve not been operating as a couple for years and years - I have had the dc unilaterally and he’s carried on as if more or less single.
Three areas at Relate are: time as couple, communication and sex.

I am basically only here for the dc although I care about Dh. I can’t decide if I’d miss him or if it would be missing the family unit and the safety and familiarity. He used to be away for work for a couple of weeks at a time and I didn’t ever miss him but I suppose that’s not the same thing.

We’ve had a really poor sex life for a very long time and we were at six years and counting. However since we sort of hit crisis point and started seeing Relate DH is trying to initiate sex quite frequently - and I still don’t want to. I can’t imagine ever wanting to, but that seems a really awful thing to say. A few times I’ve just gone along with it because I know it must be hurtful to DH and also I can feel it makes him angry, which is reasonable as rejection is hurtful.
But when we do have sex I try and work out how few times I can get away with kissing him. How quickly I can make it be over. Afterwards i usually feel really upset.
I can only ever see me being in a place where I tolerate sex with DH, at best. It makes me feel dread - when he does the whole ‘let’s get the dc to bed early and have an early night’ I feel dread and resignation in equal parts.

But I want to keep my family together. I don’t know what to do about this. I genuinely can’t see it changing but I suppose I hope that it will. There’s never been much of a spark from my side I suppose and we’ve been together for nearly 20 years and married for 15. DH is a perfectly nice looking man - and yet, and yet, intimacy with him feels weird and uncomfortable to me. Kissing him makes me feel awful, I don’t decide it, my body just goes nope. The thought of oral sex with him is absolutely no, but luckily (I suppose) he’s never liked giving and so has never done that. I might possibly be able to make myself give but receiving would be an absolute no now. Years ago I would have liked him to but never really discussed it as I knew he didn’t like it, which again is fair enough.

Sorry, that was long.
Is there a possible way forwards? I am not asexual or anything, I just don’t fancy DH I suppose, but it is more than that.
I know logically the options are:
Stay and keep having sex I don’t want and hope it improves.
Stay and tell DH I can’t have sex with him again - he wouldn’t want to open the marriage and nor would I really. I think it could be messy. I appreciate if I don’t want sex with him he is entitled to leave to find someone else.
Or just accept the marriage is over and leave.

There are dc involved here too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Baseballkitten · 13/09/2021 18:32

Thank you.

Yes I probably I am depressed and covid hasn’t helped. I don’t enjoy anything or look forward to anything. I know there are things I used to enjoy but now it seems pointless. I make myself do things for the children but I don’t enjoy it. I’m not sure if it’s chemical or circumstantial though. Maybe both.

OP posts:

Thewookiemustgo · 13/09/2021 19:11

OP you sound like a case of classic depression, not finding enjoyment in anything and having to make yourself do things. You poor thing, it sounds like you have felt like this for a long time. Life can be different than this and will be different than this once you get some help with your own mental health. The drip feed of dissatisfaction with everything and putting on a brave face has bit by bit totally depleted your mental resources and sucked the joy out of your life. Please, please get help, it might seem hopeless and pointless but it absolutely can and will change with the right help. It will allow you to see your husband and marriage more clearly and you will be stronger and better able to make choices and decisions, whether to stay in the marriage or not. As you are everything stays ‘meh’ and keeping the family together at all costs seems like the only thing you have left. It doesn’t need to be. Please, please get advice and support from your GP. Your life could be so different. X

19Bears · 13/09/2021 19:19

See @Anothernick I do not understand why a man wouldn't want to make his wife happy in every way possible. You get it!!! It's not bloody difficult!! When I told my husband I wanted a normal sex life to be a part of my normal life, he told me I was selfish for putting that above keeping the family together. And I'm ashamed to admit I backed down and thought maybe he's right. Maybe it isn't important. But it is FFS!!!!

Original poster

Baseballkitten · 13/09/2021 19:50

I do think sex is important but I’ve pretended it isn’t.
Perhaps I should take antidepressants. I’ve been prescribed them before.
19Bears I feel you are my kindred spirit.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 13/09/2021 19:58

Does your husband have any idea how horrible in bed he is?

Has he ever tried to connect with you emotionally as a friend? Have interesting fun conversations. Does he ask about you and really know you as a person?

19Bears · 13/09/2021 20:06

And I'll tell you what is selfish. I go out to Pilates one night a week, and he's made me miss it tonight. He came home too late for me to go, no phonecall (never takes his phone with him) no apology when he came in, nothing. I'm sick of bending over backwards for him yet he can't do a thing for me. I ran 13 miles yesterday as a little achievement for myself, but still came home to have to do the dinner, sort washing, iron school uniforms, play out with the kids, while he lay on the sofa yawning and watching telly. Do I want to have sex with that???? No I do not.
Yes I think we are kindred spirits @Baseballkitten We need to find our lives. We can bloody do it!!!!! X

Original poster

Baseballkitten · 13/09/2021 20:08

He doesn’t want to hear about my work because I work with children who have additional needs or have been abused or both. He says it’s too upsetting and he won’t listen. Obviously a lot of it is confidential anyway but he won’t listen to any of it.
He doesn’t know me, I mean he could tell you the superficial stuff about me but that’s about it.

I suppose, given that I feel so uncomfortable about sex with him and talking about sex with him, there’s not likely to be a way back. Generally even when I’m kissing him it makes me cry 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

Baseballkitten · 13/09/2021 20:09

Ahhh 19Bears sounds pretty familiar!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/09/2021 20:19

This is so upsetting to read you have zero emotional connection with each other that is never going to change.

You are modelling to your DC that marriage is a transactional relationship neither no emotional connection or real love.

Of course they want you together that's their normal, anything new is different and scary!

19Bears · 13/09/2021 20:24

@Baseballkitten we haven't even kissed in the past ten years. One of the reasons is that he doesn't brush his teeth. Once a week maybe. That's it. Oh, and he's a Farage fanboy. Could not be more of a turn off.

MrsMaizel · 13/09/2021 20:28

@Baseballkitten

I couldn’t talk about the sex stuff with DH, it would be weird and uncomfortable and I don’t want to do any of it with him. But basically it would make me feel weird. I suppose I have to talk to him and say to him sex it totally off the table and if he says that’s ok then at least he knows. I’d prefer not to have a sexless relationship but I can live with it.

It would be easier if DH were to have an affair or something and it wouldn’t upset me.
When we briefly broke up he was very upset and I felt terrible.

It would be easier if DH were to have an affair or something and it wouldn’t upset me

You think that and I used to say that but believe me it is still devastating . I too was in a sexless marriage and he had an affair . Like you I couldn't talk to him about it etc . I am now remarried and have great sex and can't believe I put up with my first marriage for so long . You only have one life - don't waste it like this . It is only when you are OUT of a situation like this that you come alive. It weighs you down and eats away at you and you don't even know it . It's only when you look back you see the shell that you become.

Original poster

Baseballkitten · 13/09/2021 20:29

I’d love to not have to kiss.
Every night he says ‘where are my kisses’ and then sort of holds onto me until I’ve kissed him enough. 🤢 I really really really do not like it.
Mine likes Trump and voted Brexit. Which a lot of people did but it is at odds to my political views.

OP posts:

19Bears · 13/09/2021 20:33

Christ alive, and these men wonder why they're not getting any!!!!

19Bears · 13/09/2021 20:36

I wish mine would have an affair. Anything. I need that one thing to allow me to say it's over. I once found some texts between him and a girl he'd met at a gig and I was over the moon. Sadly it seemed to fizzle out. I just want something to happen to set me free. (I know I can do that myself obviously, buy it's easier to have a reason.(

MrsMaizel · 13/09/2021 20:48

@19Bears

You think you don't have a reason ? 🤔

thefourgp · 13/09/2021 20:49

Your relationship is not going to get better. You shouldn’t feel disgusted by physical contact. You’ve settled for long enough. Separate. It’ll be tough for a year or two then you’ll be so relieved.

RandomMess · 13/09/2021 20:58

Baseball the demanding kisses and his political views are more than enough!

Original poster

Baseballkitten · 13/09/2021 21:48

The demanding kisses is ick.
Where’s my kisses? I haven’t had enough kisses yet.
Urgh.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/09/2021 21:51

It's worse than ick.

It's coercive and demeaning.

Why don't you tell him that you want it to stop?

19Bears · 13/09/2021 22:22

Sorry to jump into your thread so much, @Baseballkitten but I've just told DH that I do not want to go and see a band with him tomorrow night as I'm still feeling uneasy about being in a crowded venue and he's gone off on a strop saying I'm being unreasonable and selfish. And he's also brought up the fact I didn't show overwhelming gratitude for the George Foreman grill he got me for my birthday, that I'm ungrateful, etc etc. I'm now upstairs and the kids have followed me up as the little one was crying and the big one just wants to be with me. We're playing games and having a nice time together while he is left downstairs on his own. Does he get the message??? I'd love to say tonight, enough is enough. But I just feel headachey and weighed down......

EarthSight · 13/09/2021 22:26

Wow. Why are you so repulsed by him??

EarthSight · 13/09/2021 22:28

@Baseballkitten

I’d love to not have to kiss. Every night he says ‘where are my kisses’ and then sort of holds onto me until I’ve kissed him enough. 🤢 I really really really do not like it. Mine likes Trump and voted Brexit. Which a lot of people did but it is at odds to my political views.

Ughhh - there's my answer. Do you feel he's dribbling over you all the time? Did you like this at the beginning of the relationship?

myheartskippedabeat · 13/09/2021 22:44

If you don't find him attractive and don't want sex with him and are only there for the kids then I'd not waste money at relate

Confuddledandmuddled · 14/09/2021 06:34

It won’t get better. It is not fixable, you are repulsed by him. You need to start looking at the practical side of leaving him, once you’ve made a bit of a plan it will seem far better and more manageable.
Don’t stay ‘for the kids.’ When you say they didn’t want you to separate last time, of course they didn’t, they’re children they don’t understand the situation! To be honest letting them ‘have a say’ is unfair on them, they do not have the emotional maturity and to be frank it’s putting pressure on them. You make a plan/decision and stick to it. And you reassure and support your children, but you don’t drag them into the decision making process. You are their parent, you make the choices.

I get you don’t want to split but you don’t have a choice. Your marriage is over, you want to sob when you have to kiss him and can’t stand the thought of him touching you, that won’t change. And you’re modelling a completely unhappy and unhealthy relationship to your children.

I understand how hard it is, I really do. But please don’t stay so chronically unhappy, you have one life, live it.

Today do one thing as a step forward. Look at your finances, look into universal credit, would you get help? Think practically because it is manageable as you certainly won’t be the first or last in this situation.

Apologies if sounded harsh, I really do have sympathy. But you’re desperately trying to fix something that’s not fixable.

Original poster

Baseballkitten · 14/09/2021 06:37

I’ve looked at the finances.
I think - with UC, my wages and CM I’d have about £3k a month. It’s doable. It’s not the finances that are stopping me. I’m not sure what’s stopping me. I suppose it’s when I think about things like Christmas and holidays and how the dc will have to be split. I don’t hate or dislike DH as a person and that makes it harder too. He keeps telling me how happy he is!

OP posts:

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