Dm and DD had a right go at me

[whatisforteamum]

Dd is visiting which she does a couple of times a yr as she lives hundreds of miles away.
She wanted to visit my dm as df died 4 yrs ago and we took gifts.I was exhausted but decided to make the effort.
All good.
I don't visit dm too much now as I work long hours and she is mentally exhausting and v critical and I'm having therapy already.
We got onto the subject of health and dying and they started saying 8 yrs ago I should've gone in the ambulance with dh when I got home to find him unwell at midnight.
I pointed out it ws a shock to get in after 12 hr day the dcs were teens and I said I would follow on by car.Dh said he didn't mind if I didn't go and look after dcs.
Dm was saying they could ve had them ( elderly and both parents had been through chemo).
This developed into an almighty row.I have work today thankfully and dd is staying another 2 days.
They just kept saying what if dh had died.He didn't.
I feel v hurt that they are judging me on something soon many yrs ago and don't know how dh speaks to me either.
Dd said our recent mini break dh was probably like my carer and he would need a break after taking me

Sorry for the rant I just can't believe 2 family members are putting the boot in, well I can from dm as she always has.

How old were your kids? Your post makes no sense. If you’re looking after the kids then how could you follow in the car?

Dd said our recent mini break dh was probably like my carer and he would need a break after taking me

Has she always been a completely rude cow or is this recent?

I'm so sorry the dd you've loved and raised has also turned out to be nasty like your mother.

What's your relationship like with DH? You said they have no idea how he speaks to you.

I'm wondering if I'm reading too much into this but it sounds like your DM was emotionally abusive, it's possible your DH is and now your DD is following this because it's what she's seen other adults do to you.

If im right I'd walk away from them all as you deserve better than that.

No one should be having a go at you for a decision you made 8 years ago. Especially as it had no affect on the outcome.

They sound like a pair of bullies. Why is everyone harping on about something that happened 8 years ago? If it ever happens again, put your coat on and just leave. You don't have to sit and listen to then haranguing you. If DD wants to be driven home from her granny's she can either shut up or get a taxi.

You must have felt so shocked and blind-sinded by them ganging up on you. The incident itself - it isn't at all unusual to follow by car when a relative goes in an ambulance, so you shouldn't be spending any time at all worrying about that. I had to call many ambulances for my exDH and I would follow by car (because a) that allowed time for me to arrange quick childcare and b) it meant I/we had a way of getting home from the hospital afterwards. I think that's fairly normal.

But why did they start talking about an incident that happened 8 years ago? Why did they both criticise you? You said your DM is critical all the time - what is your DD normally like?

Could you take your DD to one side and tell her how hurt you were, and ask why she felt the need to lay in to you along with your DM (does your DD know how your r'shp with DM is?)?

It's not fair to judge someone in an emergency situation, we all just do the best we can while trying to process it.

Don’t let them goad you into this kind of shit. I would tell your dm you don’t need lessons on relationships from her, and tell dd you can’t wait till she has a husband and kids so you can see how she deals with being judged on every little thing!

Pp is right a sharp “right that’s enough I’m leaving!” Coat on and go!

I would be gutted if one of my kids talked like that about me

When my husband was taken to hospital by ambulance, I followed by car too. The logistics of dealing with an emergency situation are so much more easily dealt with by having transport at hand at the other end.

And yes, in such a scary and unexpected situation you do what feels right at the time. But you can't be expected to be thinking at your most clear and rational.

Being berated for any such decision eight years later (especially as everything worked out fine) is totally unfair. And having a DD and DM go for you from both sides must have been horrible.

I would also go in my car. The hospital is 40 minutes away and the last thing I would need in that situation would be stuck. On a practical level being able to leave to go home/get things he might need means the car makes sense

It's not for them to berate you over, but if I was taken by ambulance to hospital I'd expect DH to come with me if DS was a teen, and to arrange childcare if younger, ambulance implies it was serious (suspected broken ankle etc I'd expect him to stay home but I also wouldn't be calling an ambulance) . Your following comments suggest your husband isn't very nice to you, and that's a whole other set of reasons not to go, but the childcare argument then seems a little thin. Why do you stay with a husband who talks to you badly and have contact with your mother who is regularly critical? I think this is deeper than this situation tbh OP.

The dcs were secondary school teens at the time.
Obviously the intention was to blue light dh to emergency.
Dd has a different relationship with my dm.
Cakes coffees trips out with dh as I would be working.
My dm has historically been part blamed for my mental health in my 20s.
Refused to visit as I wasn't married.
Called me a who're for having sex at 21 with my now dh
Called social services for not caring for my dc.HV apologised and said it must be difficult with a dm like that!
Told me I couldn't go to her funeral if I didn't go to a grandparents .
Barely helped when dc were born even and didn't go to sports days plays etc even though she didn't work.
Lots of our family don't bother as she is so controlling even workmen have not gone back.
Dd is becoming a bit bad tempered like dh.
My ds is more even tempered like myself.

Your dd needs to back home, ideally today.

You need to resist visits in the future and you need to distance yourself from her and from your mum.

My dh had a major heart attack.He was taken further than I could comfortably drive to.
I did feel cornered and perhaps they don't know I've been severely depressed and receiving help.
It is nice dd has her dfs best interests.
I don't think it is her place to invite herself while were away and I come home to abuse.
I'm furious as I have little rl support.

I'm afraid it sounds like you've gone from one toxic and abusive relationship to another and your dd is following suit. Your dm, dh and now dd

Your mum called you a whore & you still see her?

Don't bother with her & let your daughter make her own arrangements.

I’m glad you have support in therapy as it still sounds like you hold a lot of blame towards your mum that isn’t healthy. I’m also a bit aghast at your use of “visit” to describe your daughter coming to your house- surely it’s her house too? I wonder if you have unhealthily separated people in your life as good or bad or like you and not like you and acted accordingly? Continue with the therapist and talk about drawing healthy boundaries and using your words at the time to draw them- “I’m not discussing my choices with you, it’s none of your business”.

I’m trying to understand your past. Are you saying he went in the ambulance and you followed in your car? Or that he went in the ambulance and you stayed at home with your teenagers and it was too far for you to drive to anyway?

Is he your carer?

I’m sorry that’s terrible for you.
Yes go no contact with your mother if you can.
Your daughter I’d speak to her on her own and get to the bottom of this and shut it down.
Is your daughter usually respectful to you?
What’s your daughter relationship like with your mother?
Has your mother turned your daughter against you over the years?
It’s not healthy for you. Please focus on yourself.
Is your mother a narcissist -=she’s clearly abusive and not a loving mother to you at all. . 💐

Fluffypastelslippers I agree.
Trying to do the best for 3 people isn't easy.
When I asked dh to explain he didn't want to get involved.
He did tell dd dm had always been weird with me though.

The situation eight years ago was a rock and a hard place. Go with DH and you would be leaving two young teens to worry alone; stay with teens and you would be leaving DH. DH as the other adult in the situation, albeit the one having the heart attack, said to stay. You had had a 12 hour day. It is very easy for people not in the situation to make judgement calls with hindsight.

That apart, your mum sounds toxic and it is a shame your DD is taking her side. I think you need to accept DD is an adult and making her own choices, and look after your own mental and physical well-being. But you can set boundaries about whether you want your mother in your own home, after the way she has behaved.

You say you have little RL support (a position I empathise with). But are there things you do for yourself to make yourself feel better and are there opportunities to get together with people outside your family, even if acquaintances so you can just get a breather from this?

Sounds like your DM has successfully recruited your DD into her scapegoating club. I would bring this dynamic up at therapy.

Unfortunately when you come from a dysfunctional family of origin you can unwittingly repeat this dynamic by marrying someone similar to your parents and the baton get passed down in your own family. You can also choose 'friends' of the same ilk and ended up surrounded by unsupportive critical people who continue to emotionally abuse you.

It may be better and safer for you to distance and limit contact with these two. Hopefully you are also working on the DH dynamic which doesn't sound happy either.

My dh isn't my carer.
If anything I'm the organizer.I do have panic attacks so don't currently drive and find crowds difficult and have low self esteem.i wonder why.
My dd is visiting as she left home 5 yrs ago.
She has the lounge as we have a small house.
I don't mind this.
I do mind being spoken to like crap though.

Ok, you need boundaries.

Tell your dd that she doesn't get to speak to you like that, at all, ever. Put your foot down.

Same to your mum. I have no idea why you maintain a relationship with her to be honest, she sounds like a nasty bully intent on wearing you down.

As for your DH, I'm not following. Is he the same as them? Does he treat you how they treat you?

Dacqouise thank you.
My dh was like my lovely df.
Kind caring person and an escape from an abusive mother she dragged us upstairs by the arms when we were naughty and smacks were hard.
Unfortunately dh personality has changed with age.
He is a grumpy ill tempered man now.
I am seriously considering how much more I can take.Almost bending myself out of shape to keep the peace.
I always found solace in work.

Dragging up something that happened eight years ago, spinning the practical and perfectly reasonable decision you made at the time into a bad thing, and using it as a reason to have a go at you is horrible. I'm shuddering for you, OP. I hope you can protect yourself from this abuse in future

OP you should have gone to hospital with your DH in the ambulance as he had had a heart attack - he could have died in the ambulance alone. It doesn't matter if you were tired from work - this has obviously took root in your dd.

That said you should go NC with your mother she sounds awful.

My ex completely checked out if I was ever really poorly. Normally he would be great and attentive but if I had a serious medical issue he acted like it wasn't happening. eg I was having a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and was in a really bad way, he couldn't wait to leave the hospital because a foot ball match was on the TV. He had actually taken me to hospital begrudgingly as he plays foot ball in a team on that morning and wanted me to wait, if I had waited I would be dead. I let him go in the end as I was being took down to emergency theatre. His father had to tell him to get his arse back to the hospital to see how I was.

It still bothers me to this day because who would do shit like that?

I think your dd is bothered by you not going with him and your mother jumped on the band wagon. Your DH doesn't want to get involved because he probably feels like you should have gone too.

It sounds like your dd is upset with you about things and one of the hardest things for some parents to do is look inwards at their own behaviour and see how it has contributed to relationship they have with the child