Dm and DD had a right go at me

[whatisforteamum]

Dd is visiting which she does a couple of times a yr as she lives hundreds of miles away.
She wanted to visit my dm as df died 4 yrs ago and we took gifts.I was exhausted but decided to make the effort.
All good.
I don't visit dm too much now as I work long hours and she is mentally exhausting and v critical and I'm having therapy already.
We got onto the subject of health and dying and they started saying 8 yrs ago I should've gone in the ambulance with dh when I got home to find him unwell at midnight.
I pointed out it ws a shock to get in after 12 hr day the dcs were teens and I said I would follow on by car.Dh said he didn't mind if I didn't go and look after dcs.
Dm was saying they could ve had them ( elderly and both parents had been through chemo).
This developed into an almighty row.I have work today thankfully and dd is staying another 2 days.
They just kept saying what if dh had died.He didn't.
I feel v hurt that they are judging me on something soon many yrs ago and don't know how dh speaks to me either.
Dd said our recent mini break dh was probably like my carer and he would need a break after taking me

Sorry for the rant I just can't believe 2 family members are putting the boot in, well I can from dm as she always has.

It seems from your updates that the dynamic in your family if origin has been reoccured in your own family set up. Your DF didn't intervene in your DMs abuse of you and now your DH doesn't intervene in either your DMs or DDs abuse of you. There doesn't seem to be a boundary between you as a couple and other people attacking you. You are still the family scapegoat and from what you have said the only one seeking help for 'MH' issues. It's a pressure cooker of carrying the load for you. You are effectively carrying all the family dysfunction for everyone No wonder you are at breaking point Op.

Is there any possibility or opportunity for you to break away from all this? Have you allowed yourself to consider what life could be like without the burden you are carrying?

I have had suicidal thoughts just fleetingly.
Normally I would be a high energy positive person doing a million things at once organizing everyone and writing lists.
Now with a demanding dm who has been unwell for 6 months I let dbro take her to numerous appointments as I can't drive and he works PT.
I'm letting dh work out his chores when he gets in at 3 as he must be able to see washing and cleaning and share with ds.
A therapist told me in my 20s my family were to blame for my breakdown and I was carrying the burden for dm who had more issues herself.!!
I keep thinking I must be in the wròng as I am the common denominator.
Is grey rock the same as stone walking though and therefore abusive ?

*stone walling I meant

For what it's worth I have had exactly the same experience as you @whatisforteamum. I was the family scapegoat and it continued when I was married. My ex DH teamed up with my family to continue to dump all the family crap on me. Like you I was seen as the strong one, the responsible one, the doer, at the same time as being the bad one if I dared to point out the dysfunction, especially my DMs toxic behaviour. No one supported me. I was regular thrown under the bus like you.

Eventually I got to breaking point, entered therapy and after a very difficult trying time realised how badly I had been treated. It has taken a long time to undo all the years of brainwashing. But therapy is a god send so keep going. See it as an investment in you and your future.

Like you I was convinced there was something wrong with me. It can't be everyone around me, logically it must be me, right? Wrong! Scapegoating is an insidious form of abuse. Scapegoats are usually the mentally strongest member of the family. They need to be to carry such a burden. Unfortunately without a lot of family group therapy, it is unlikely to change. Why would it? Everyone else gets to think they're okay, perfect. They don't have to face up their issues including mental health and personality disorders. Your therapist in your 20s has confirmed this to you.

Grey Rock is not the same as stonewalling. The former is a defensive measure against abusers, the latter is what abusers do to shut you down. As another pp said you may find your mental health improves drastically if you move away from this situation and people. I would urge you to take a look at The Stately Homes thread on Relationships. It's a totally supportive environment for issues such as yours. Thinking about suicide is an indication that this situation has become unbearable for you. It's not you, I promise you, but you do need to get away.

That all makes sense dacqouise.