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Original poster

Dm and DD had a right go at me

105 replies

whatisforteamum · 12/09/2021 08:04

Dd is visiting which she does a couple of times a yr as she lives hundreds of miles away.
She wanted to visit my dm as df died 4 yrs ago and we took gifts.I was exhausted but decided to make the effort.
All good.
I don't visit dm too much now as I work long hours and she is mentally exhausting and v critical and I'm having therapy already.
We got onto the subject of health and dying and they started saying 8 yrs ago I should've gone in the ambulance with dh when I got home to find him unwell at midnight.
I pointed out it ws a shock to get in after 12 hr day the dcs were teens and I said I would follow on by car.Dh said he didn't mind if I didn't go and look after dcs.
Dm was saying they could ve had them ( elderly and both parents had been through chemo).
This developed into an almighty row.I have work today thankfully and dd is staying another 2 days.
They just kept saying what if dh had died.He didn't.
I feel v hurt that they are judging me on something soon many yrs ago and don't know how dh speaks to me either.
Dd said our recent mini break dh was probably like my carer and he would need a break after taking me

Sorry for the rant I just can't believe 2 family members are putting the boot in, well I can from dm as she always has.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 12/09/2021 09:24

I keep thinking it must be me in the wrong.
I've lost over half a stone in weight with stress.
I'm setting so many boundaries at work too that I am almost alone.

OP posts:
Evesgarden · 12/09/2021 09:27

@whatisforteamum

My dh had a major heart attack.He was taken further than I could comfortably drive to. I did feel cornered and perhaps they don't know I've been severely depressed and receiving help. It is nice dd has her dfs best interests. I don't think it is her place to invite herself while were away and I come home to abuse. I'm furious as I have little rl support.
Did you visit him at all OP?
neonjumper · 12/09/2021 09:28

@Evesgarden

OP you should have gone to hospital with your DH in the ambulance as he had had a heart attack - he could have died in the ambulance alone. It doesn't matter if you were tired from work - this has obviously took root in your dd.

That said you should go NC with your mother she sounds awful.

My ex completely checked out if I was ever really poorly. Normally he would be great and attentive but if I had a serious medical issue he acted like it wasn't happening. eg I was having a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and was in a really bad way, he couldn't wait to leave the hospital because a foot ball match was on the TV. He had actually taken me to hospital begrudgingly as he plays foot ball in a team on that morning and wanted me to wait, if I had waited I would be dead. I let him go in the end as I was being took down to emergency theatre. His father had to tell him to get his arse back to the hospital to see how I was.

It still bothers me to this day because who would do shit like that?

I think your dd is bothered by you not going with him and your mother jumped on the band wagon. Your DH doesn't want to get involved because he probably feels like you should have gone too.

It sounds like your dd is upset with you about things and one of the hardest things for some parents to do is look inwards at their own behaviour and see how it has contributed to relationship they have with the child

This is what happened to you and your feelings on your situation. Do not try to make the OP feel guilt for what was a very different dynamic . It is very , very , very common for people to not want to go in an ambulance with people in life /death situations ... the immense fear of seeing a loved one die in front of you usually stops many people ... I am speaking from a place of experience.
Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 09:29

You refusing to go to the hospital with her dad is clearly something that your daughter is still really upset about. It’s fair enough to have a conversation about it and you explaining your thought processes to her might help her to understand. It’s ok to say that you were tired, didn’t want to leave the teens alone (how old were they?) and maybe even say you regret making that decision, if you do.

I wouldn’t be having that conversation in front of your mum though-I wouldn’t be visiting anyone that has called me a whore.

DowntrainTrain · 12/09/2021 09:31

When my Dh was blue-lighted to hospital 4 yrs ago, I was told to follow on behind as they were working on keeping him stable. I had no problem with this and neither did Dh. Ambulance men were so kind and lovely.
The staff were waiting at A+E door for me. To follow on seems much the norm, & made no difference to the outcome.
It sounds like your Dm has influenced your Dd, and that is an awful shame.
I would Low Contact/ No Contact for the present time and see out it plays out.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 09:31

Are you getting help with your depression?

It does seem you’re mixing a lot of issues up. The one at hand is they are upset when your husband had a major heart attack and you didn’t go with him, I do see their point

What you’re writing is confused though. You say you didn’t go but planned to follow behind then you say you had to look after the kids and then you couldn’t drive that far.

So is it true you just didn’t go?

Evesgarden · 12/09/2021 09:32

OP did you visit him at all? As you said in your OP that you said you would follow him up - then you said in another post it was too far for you to comfortably drive there.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 09:32

What you’re writing is confused though. You say you didn’t go but planned to follow behind then you say you had to look after the kids and then you couldn’t drive that far.So is it true you just didn’t go?

Yes, this is what I don’t understand.

Not going in the ambulance is one thing-I can see why people may not want to do that.

Not going at all is something else.

neonjumper · 12/09/2021 09:34

OP, there is a very good podcast with Dr Tanya Byron called ' How did we get here?' There is an episode titled 'guilt over my disabled daughter' . In this there is much discussion around not getting into an ambulance in crisis situations. Maybe have a listen to that and that and talk to your counsellor. this might help you understand your response ... as the PP poster suggested this might help you to relay what happened to you , to your daughter with more clarity .

Strawbsaturno · 12/09/2021 09:37

So did you follow him in the car or didn’t you?
If you didn’t I can see why they are hurt/angry, but it’s a bit weird to be having the chat about this 8 years in.

LowlyTheWorm · 12/09/2021 09:41

Yep same as others- you’ve said two different things now which change things entirely. Either you didn’t go at all when your DH had a heart attack which is pretty unreasonable full stop or you followed on which wasn’t unreasonable at all. You say DD moved out five years ago but now she’s sleeping in the lounge- so what happened to her bedroom? I still think it’s odd and detached to describe your own child as visiting when they come home and I have two adult children of my own who don’t live here. You mention boundaries at work but day your work is your solace- so you’re setting boundaries that are pushing people away at work but not setting them at home. You also say your father was lovely but then describe an abusive upbringing. So he wasn’t lovely really was he as he didn’t protect you? Or stop your mum. You are making people either good or bad as they fit in your mind and it’s not that simple.

Evesgarden · 12/09/2021 09:41

@Strawbsaturno

So did you follow him in the car or didn’t you? If you didn’t I can see why they are hurt/angry, but it’s a bit weird to be having the chat about this 8 years in.
If she didn't go at all that resentment has been bubbling away in her dd for years and its starting to come out now as an adult.
Dacquoise · 12/09/2021 09:43

What you mustn't do is get fixated on who was right or wrong in a situation that happened years ago. It's irrelevant and really not helpful when you are feeling so vulnerable now and sufferingfrom anxiety. Your DD could have brought this up privately with you if it's bothering her. The two of them ganging up on you is not acceptable, particularly as your DMs agenda is not kind.

Keep going with the therapy. Untangling all this dysfunction is tough and you need a neutral person to validate your experiences. Beating yourself up about not getting in an ambulance years ago will not resolve anything.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 12/09/2021 09:43

I did go in the morning when a lift was offered.
I did plan to follow the ambulance then outer London was the preferred hospital.
Which offered the best outcome.
I fail to see how anyone can judge unless they are there in a snap decision in the middle of the night tbh.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 12/09/2021 09:43

OP, they sound like bullies.
They may, or may not have grounds to question your choices 8 years ago. But what's done is done and there is no point making you suffer this way now.
I think you need to ask your DD to end her visit and then have a chat with your GP. Seek talking therapy for your depression. This will give you the opportunity to start untangling all your worries and decide on those that need to be worked on.
I think that you've been in troubled relationships all your life and now is a good time to try to change how they affect you.

tempester28 · 12/09/2021 10:01

Well if it happened now you probably wouldn’t be allowed anyway. Also sensible to follow in the car so that you can take necessary clothes ect.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:04

Also sensible to follow in the car so that you can take necessary clothes ect

I think that’s the point. The DD was upset that OP didn’t go at all. She said she would follow in her car but then didn’t.

Evesgarden · 12/09/2021 10:06

@whatisforteamum

I did go in the morning when a lift was offered. I did plan to follow the ambulance then outer London was the preferred hospital. Which offered the best outcome. I fail to see how anyone can judge unless they are there in a snap decision in the middle of the night tbh.
I can imagine why your dd is still so angry about tbh. She is obviously close to her dad and this has been bubbling away for years.

She would have been frightened that her dad was dying, you wouldn't go in ambulance and you didn't follow in your car. You waited to the next day till some one offered you a lift.

He was having a heart attack OP he could have spent his last hours alive alone as it would have been at least 8-10 hours before you got there.

Maybe look at it from her point of view as this isn't going to go away. Do you really want to have a bad or non existent relationship with one of your kids because you can't see it form her view point?

Its really telling that your DH hasn't stuck up for you on this, maybe they have discussed this between themselves and he agrees with her.

balernobetty · 12/09/2021 10:12

I would totally ignore anything your DM had to say, she sounds awful but the things your DD is saying is slightly worrying.
Not being with your DH in hospital whilst he was having a heart attack does sound like a strange choice, I'm sure if you were as tired as you say the fact your DH might die would make the adrenaline kick in.
The fact she says your DH is more like your carer is also something I wouldn't dismiss lightly. What has he to do to make her feel like this?

TillyTopper · 12/09/2021 10:19

I think they need to appreciate two things. Firstly you have seconds to make the sort of decision whether to go in an ambulance or stay with DCs and you do the best at the time (everything is easier with hind sight when things are calmer). Secondly, there is no point in raking things up now! Concentrate on getting yourself better rather than worrying about what others say and think, tbh your DD seems very rude.

TinaYouFatLard · 12/09/2021 10:33

To be honest the lot of you sound pretty cold and uncaring. You see your own DD twice a year, your DM sounds a treat but you also can’t really be bothered to see her and you allowed your seriously ill DH to go to hospital alone. Not a very nice family all round it seems.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:35

Firstly you have seconds to make the sort of decision whether to go in an ambulance or stay with DCs

The issue doesn’t seem to be that the OP didn’t go in the ambulance, it’s that she didn’t go at all! She had many more ‘seconds’ thinking time after that in which she could have gone.

HoppingHamster · 12/09/2021 10:40

Is it just me or is this post exactly like the one about husbands ex dying… a rant that makes no sense at all and is barely readable?!

MsIreneWinters · 12/09/2021 10:46

Your daughter must have been quite young when she moved away OP. Was that for work or have there been other issues?

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 12/09/2021 10:47

Yy Hamster

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