Dm and DD had a right go at me

[whatisforteamum]

Dd is visiting which she does a couple of times a yr as she lives hundreds of miles away.
She wanted to visit my dm as df died 4 yrs ago and we took gifts.I was exhausted but decided to make the effort.
All good.
I don't visit dm too much now as I work long hours and she is mentally exhausting and v critical and I'm having therapy already.
We got onto the subject of health and dying and they started saying 8 yrs ago I should've gone in the ambulance with dh when I got home to find him unwell at midnight.
I pointed out it ws a shock to get in after 12 hr day the dcs were teens and I said I would follow on by car.Dh said he didn't mind if I didn't go and look after dcs.
Dm was saying they could ve had them ( elderly and both parents had been through chemo).
This developed into an almighty row.I have work today thankfully and dd is staying another 2 days.
They just kept saying what if dh had died.He didn't.
I feel v hurt that they are judging me on something soon many yrs ago and don't know how dh speaks to me either.
Dd said our recent mini break dh was probably like my carer and he would need a break after taking me

Sorry for the rant I just can't believe 2 family members are putting the boot in, well I can from dm as she always has.

Op please ignore anyone telling you should have gone in the ambulance.

As already said by me and others above, it's normal NOT to go in the ambulance. I have been asked in the past NOT to go in the ambulance by the paramedics - they need the space to work sometimes, and they know you need to have a vehicle at the other end / time to gather belongings together etc rather than them having to wait for you.

Also, practicalities aside, noone should judge you and tell you what you 'should' have done in a shocking emergency situation (which they weren't at).

Anyone telling you what you should have done 8 years ago is trying to make you feel bad and not helping with the real sitiation - which is that your DM bullies you, and your DD seems to be doing the same.

Please keep talking here, and in therapy, so you can work out what to do to protect yourself from these damaging relationships.

Honestly OP if my dad has a major heart attack and my mum didn't go in the ambulance or follow in the car, I'd hold it against her. In your husband's shoes I'd hold it against you too.

Op please ignore anyone telling you should have gone in the ambulance

Most people are not saying that. They are just bemused by the fact she didn’t go at all.

OP - I totally get your decision - you were tired, frightened and had to think of your hubby and your children. People seem to be forgetting you would've had to leave 2 teens alone overnight frightened and alone to follow their father, alternatively wake them and his parents and leave 4 of them, 2 not well, 2 teens, scared together.
Driving when you’re not comfortable is dangerous anyway and you would have been super stressed so doubling that danger.
You made the decision at the time with the info/feelings you had at that point in time, you mustn’t doubt yourself with hindsight.
However, you may need to discuss all this with your DD and clear it up - I’ve had to have difficult discussions with kids to clear things up at times, or they fester and spoil the relationship, often they’re quite easy as we’re all adults now and capable of understanding how/why decisions are made that don’t necessarily fit a perfect world view. I am totally not getting why your DM would pile in with your DD rather than at least being neutral - doesn’t even help her granddaughter does it. Obviously, there are bigger issues and she’s had an opportunity to vent so taken it. I would definitely keep contact with your DM as close to zero as possible- your DD can maintain her relationship with her separately. Your DD should be aware of the situation between you and your Mum but maybe it’s suiting her to have an ally.
Just have a chat with DD and explain but equally you don’t have to be berated for it - maybe ask what outcome she is looking for if she can’t drop it - obviously the event can’t be changed.
Your marriage is a separate issue really though everything being dire at once is draining.
Look after yourself.

So your husband had a heart attack, and you did n’t go in the ambulance or drive after it as it was all of 40 minutes away,

Msjinks, do you really think being tired is an excuse for leaving a spouse whose had a heart alone in hospital

Northern parent - Not just tired though, also shocked with 2 teen children to see to - the OP is posting for advice after 2 close family members having a go on this, it’s not kind for ever else to have one as well really.
Thing is - it’s done, can’t be changed and she made the decision at the time with whatever info/feelings etc she had in that moment- even if it were ‘just tired’ she can’t look back and 2nd guess it now let alone anyone else.
With her mum, if I didn’t agree with my child’s actions I would say, but not actively join in with my grandkids on a topic against their mum - it’s not right to interfere/add bias with other people’s relationships with a person in most situations.
The OP is trying to resolve issues with family now though, not what can’t be changed from 8 years ago - as I said she really needs to discuss it with her daughter.

Exactly teenage children not toddlers, she could have brought them or left them at home. If the op is going to complain about her family she might want to examine her own behaviour

I don’t know about every teen, but one of mine was not fit to leave as a teen and 2 would have been hysterically frightened in that situation- honestly, in a general sense I used to think my kids could have been left more safely at primary age than when they were actually old enough 🤷🏼‍♀️

So take them, leave them with a neighbour, take them to a friend a house. Do n’t stay at home and be surprised when it’s still an issue years later.

8 years ago? Your mother and daughter are bonkers!

The bloody ambulance incident was EIGHT YEARS AGO! People here are as bad as the DM and DD in trying to go over and over something that happened years ago, and frankly, bullying the OP.

Its unnecessary.
.

@Funnylittlefloozie

The bloody ambulance incident was EIGHT YEARS AGO! People here are as bad as the DM and DD in trying to go over and over something that happened years ago, and frankly, bullying the OP.

Its unnecessary.
.

It's something that DD is still struggling with though. She would have been a terrified teenager back then, who was helpless to do anything, and was looking to her mum for action that she couldn't take herself.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of OP's decision back then, it's messed with DD's head and she needs to talk it through. But in front of her GM was a bad idea.

OP, if you want your relationship with DD to improve, and for her to not have this on her mind and unresolved for the rest of her life, you need to have a calm conversation with her about what was going through your head that night. It might be that you end up admitting that you wish you'd done differently, but that you were panicking. But you need to give her the means to empathise with you, and for you to understand what she went through herself that night, whether your decision was right or wrong.

Thank you all for the comments.
Yes I guess we are a cold family.no hugs or I love you from my dm.
I was v different with our dc and told them frequently I love them.
I did ask dh if he wanted me to go with him and he said stay with the dc.
I still think shock and extreme tiredness is not a good combination when driving anyway.
It would be been odd to go and leave shocked teens alone too knowing he was with fantastic paramedics.
I will speak to dd today.Clear the air.
Still don't like 2 of my relatives starting on me on the anniversary of dfs passing.

@whatisforteamum

I keep thinking it must be me in the wrong. I've lost over half a stone in weight with stress. I'm setting so many boundaries at work too that I am almost alone.

It sounds like if you had gone with your DH to hospital, your mum would have said you were terrible to leave the children at home to do so. Toxic people can find fault in any decision, no matter what you do. You cannot reason with unreasonable. The only way to continue to function is to drop the rope and disengage.

Of course by recruiting your daughter to join her crusade against you and your sense of self belief (in this case wondering if you did something awful) she's made that even harder but it sounds it needs to be done.

Poor you, how awful to have your lifelong bully recruit your child

@diddl

Your mum called you a whore & you still see her?

Don't bother with her & let your daughter make her own arrangements.

This. If DD wants to see her grandmother in future she can go on her own.

Well, they sound like a right pair of harpies. Your mother sounds like she's usually hard work; is this out of character for your daughter?

Normally dd goes alone or with dh as I'm working and it gives them time to chat alone.
Just this once I agreed it would be nice and thoughtful to go with dd.
Never again.
Last time dh and I took dm out to a garden centre she practically humiliated me the whole time and bossed us around.get me this get me that.
No more will I be her whipping boy or laughing stock.

Your daughter is spiteful and a bully just like her granny.

I would expect an apology.

Greyhoundgirl I would like to say yes but she has been rude the last couple of times.
A bit like stroppy teenage behaviour.
My dh can be like this.Nice then unreasonable.She must be learnt it from him or dgm.
Shame as we were previously really close.

I'm really struggling to understand any of your posts

I'd go NC with your mother and give your dd a bollocking tbh.

Pumpkinsgalore scroll on then.

UPDATE.
I spoke to dd who instantly said we were done with the subject raised her voice .
She called me a dickhead in front of dh who didn't say a word.
I was furious as No one should call a parent a dickhead ever or swear at them.
Later I asked for an apology which she begrudgingly gave after dd and dh took their roast meals upstairs!!
They came back down.dd is slagging me off to ds knowing it is my house and I cannot get away.
I honestly cannot believe such bad behaviour or complete lack of support from any of them.
Shocking.

Have you spoken to you DH about backing you up or is that a lost cause?
Tbh if my DH wasn't telling my DD not to speak to me like that I'd be seriously considering our future.
Is your DH upsets that you didn't go, is that where this is coming from ie do you think he has been moaning about it, seems odd to have been brought up again after so long unless it's been stoked up?