Father of baby wants an abortion

[Sarah24667]

Hi there,

I am really sorry if I'm posting this incorrectly, however, I really, really need some guidance and or advice. I'm seriously hoping and praying that I find it here.

I am 35 years old and have no children, however, I have always wanted children. I have been dating the father of the child for around 5 months, I only call him the father of the child as he has made it abundantly clear to me that he doesn't consider us to be in a relationship (this was news to me).

Anyway, I have yesterday discovered that I am 4 weeks (2 as I understand it) pregnant, which ws a shock. When I told the father of the child initially he said he would never "shirk responsibility" and "support me whatever decision I made", I felt relieved.. like we could do this together despite the circumstances. Well, he called me today and asked me to come over to discuss and it had totally changed his opinion, he was immediately saying that the only possible solution was to have an abortion. I was very surprised at this as he attends church every week and is a Catholic, however, he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind.. I immediately knew that I could not have an abortion and I spend several hours trying to explain the reasons why to him.

On a moral level I cannot even imagine having an abortion, I am not anti abortion at all, but for me personally I don't think I could live with myself. He did not understand any of my reasoning and to be honest I felt pressured into agreeing to consider an abortion. I literally begged him to "please don't ask me to do this" upon which he offered me no comfort despite me having what I can only describe as a panic attack. He tried to convince me to have an abortion by saying that he sees a serious future with me, but not if I have this child. He said he promised he would be there during and after and not leave me, however, not long after when it became clear I wouldn't agree he listed the reasons as to why I was "childish, selfish" and as to why we were so incompatible. Naturally this is hard to comprehend, so.. you see a future with me if I have an abortion that I don't want... And my prize for defying my morals and doing something I know I cannot live with is him.. yet at the same time he's going to tell me the reasons as to why I'm unsuitable.

I feel he's putting a lot of pressure on me, not listening to a word I'm saying and being very high handed. He already has a child from a previous relationship (4 years old) and he's using this as justification that he knows better. He kept asking me to find a solution, the only solution I could suggest is that this is my problem, not his. I want nothing to do with him and I'll do this on my own.

Can anyone please offer any advice, am I being inconsiderate? I am terrified of doing this alone, however, I want this child, it feels like my baby and abortion is simply not an option for me. I also feel like what he's said is unforgivable to me, and whilst I would never deny him visiting his child if he wanted I'd much prefer that he were not in the picture.

That will reduce I think if he has more kids.

Whether you keep your baby is 100% your decision, it is absolutely not his decision. He can of course have an opinion about it, but you are not obliged to listen to it, or to take it into consideration.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm a single mum, and whilst hard work, it has been the absolutely best time of my life, by a long way, even though I've not had any family to help me.

Either way, you’re single. Do you really want to be with a man who lies to you and tells you he sees a future with you if you abort his baby? He must be a idiot to think you would call for that. All you should be thinking about is whether YOU want to be a mum. If you do (and you do) then totally totally go for it. Block him on everything, go no contact, and love your much wanted baby. Congratulations, OP. It’s the beginning of an exciting new adventure.

And yes, absolutely claim child maintenance from him. If he didn't want a baby and the responsibilities of parenthood, well he should have made different choices, shouldn't he.

Listen he’s not going to have a future with you if you abort, he’s going to run for the hills. He’s already got his running shoes on.

You decide if you want the baby or not. You will be doing it alone. But don’t abort for this piece of shit.

Co-parenting with a prick of an ex is a complete bloody nightmare and can cause massive issues for the child. My best friend has been absolutely through the wringer and it’s been terrible for her son’s self esteem. It’s not something I’d enter into lightly

I agree with this. If it was me and I knew that he wouldn't want anything to do with the child then it would be an easier to have the child but I would absolutely hate to have to raise a child with a man like this guy. How would you feel if he goes for joint custody?

It could be awful. Do you live in the same town and have friends in common. Are you going to run into him all the time. That could make things very difficult for you, and more importantly, for your child.

Hrs honestly not worth the time or effort, but tell this excuse of a human being that, as a practising Catholic who attends a Catholic Church regularly, his priest would be the person who should advise on if and when morals can be set aside for circumstances. It's not his place to decide this himself.

This is obviously a rhetorical question because the Catholic Church opposes abortion in these and pretty much any circumstances.

He's a pathetic, hypocritical, immoral, irresponsible, bullying, manipulative, no integrity bull shitter.

Tell him to try bull shitting his priest about his rationale for setting aside his (oh so stalwart, genuine) morals.

Oh and as a practising Catholic, should he even have been having sex outside marriage?!

I think not.

What's his excuse for setting aside his morals on that front?

He seems to do that rather a lot.

Have a look what your local authority offers with regard to childcare. A friend of mine was in the same situation as you and found most of her childcare costs were in fact covered.

I was in a similar situation and the guy told me (1) he was off as actually he was also seeing someone else; and (2) I had a moral obligation to have a termination as I'd be an unfit mother, having no job and no home (by which he meant temp work and living with my parents as I was just out of university). I told him to get to fuck, and had the baby on my own. It was very very difficult, but I struggled through and got a permanent job with prospects when I was four months pregnant, took minimal maternity leave and worked really really hard while most of my salary went on childcare. I did get housing benefit to start off with, having moved into a rented flat, but eventually bought a house. I was also lucky that my parents lived nearby (although they were both working full time too) and I had good support from friends and other family. I don't know if I'd have been able to manage if I'd been completely alone.

I 100% made the right decision and funnily enough the bio dad reappeared when the baby was about 18 months old, having decided he wanted a relationship with his child. It was tricky for a year or two but eventually he let me meet his family, who all now love me hugely, and we somehow managed to co-parent (I absolutely did most of it but let the ex have our child occasionally when he felt like it, while feeling massively resentful that I did all the hard work including arranging childcare and rearranging it to suit him) and now our child is an adult and we all have a good relationship. It can be done.

I wouldn't discount the point a PP made about trying to co-parent with a twat. I also had another baby with another cunt a few years later and he's been a nightmare to deal with over the years, and I am so glad now I no longer have to have anything to do with him - and at the moment our DC has no contact with him either. He was a bully and abusive. Only you will know what this guy will be like in the future - with a bit of luck you may not have to deal with him except to organise maintenance payments, and I strongly believe that sometimes no dad is better than a shit dad. As long as the child has lots of people around to support and love them, it will be ok.

Please don't let this arsehole tell you what to do, it is absolutely your own decision. I am hugely pro-choice and have had a termination myself, which was right for me at the time and I don't regret that either. But I also don't regret choosing to go it alone with this one, however hard it was. Good luck with it all, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Do you really want to be with a man who lies to you and tells you he sees a future with you if you abort his baby?

I've said this before on similar threads abd I'll say it again even though it's no doubt v upsetting to the op ....

this is the standard line I seen men advise other men to use to persuade a gf etc to gave an abortion when she doesn't want one, on a male dominated forum I used to frequent.

You can do this on your own, OP. You have had a lot of good advice. The only thing I would add is to be careful that any counselling service you speak to is truly non-biased.

They always say "Tell her it's not the right time, not there'll be future babies, future children when the time's right. Once shes aborted, you can end it if you want".

If what she said is true, this is what Mark Wright did to Lauren Goodger when when were together.

Is he with Lauren Goodger now; no.

He can want an abortion all he likes, but as he isn't a woman, he can't get pregnant - so he can't have one.

You do what you want and never mind him - he won't be around for it, which is in all probability better for you in the long run.

Raise it alone without him if you're able. A man who basically rewrites history (not in a relationship) and fakes his morals (only when they suit him) will not be a good dad.

I love that his Catholicism is able to be put aside for out-of-wedlock, consequence-free shagging.

And I assume he's justifying his stance because although he's aware it's a grave sin, if not a mortal one, it's OK because he won't actually be the one having it. He wants YOU to burn in hellfire while he presumably confesses the lesser sin of being a misogynistic twatbadger (which I'd argue isn't a sin in Catholicism - sometimes it's positively encouraged).

Merrily off to shag the next woman out-of-wedlock. He's a class act.

You, on the other hand, will have a beautiful baby.

Just block him now and don't engage further. He's said his piece. He doesn't want you or a baby. He certainly doesn't get to make any decisions about whether or not you have the baby. You want the baby - you have the baby. Start saving as much as you can now. You've said you'll have family support which is a big positive. And you can put in a claim for cms when the baby is born. The father of the baby is a selfish disgusting man trying to coerce you into an abortion. If he didn't want to father another child he should have kept his dick in his pants.

There's two people here with opposing opinions on your pregnancy however you're the one who's pregnant not him.

You were having sex;even with contraception pregnancy is still a risk.You are both adults;you would have both understood that.

The reason he wants you to have an abortion is probably most likely he doesn't want the shame of another child who's mother he's not in a relationship with (too worried what others will think of him) and the most important reason to him here;he doesn't want to be on the hook financially.

It's very simple.You want your baby.Have your baby.Tell him you'll be continuing the pregnancy and it's up to him how involved he is with your child/the pregnancy.

If the answer is he wants NC then go NC with him but make sure your baby gets what your baby is entitled to via CMS if your child's father refuses to pay.

Good luck;wishing you well with your pregnancy

Forget him, you wouldn’t want him now after this no matter what. Do what you want to do and get the maintenance from him. Good luck.

@SleepingBunnies21

They always say "Tell her it's not the right time, not there'll be future babies, future children when the time's right. Once shes aborted, you can end it if you want".

Oh god that's awful

Agree with everyone else, what a massive twat. Him trying to use staying together as an incentive for abortion and pretending he knows better because he has a child he clearly doesn't live with is just too shitty for words. Get rid, keep baby.

Oh god that's awful

Not as bad as the men who "jokingly" suggested putting crushed up abortion pills in the gf's smoothie.

He already has a child from a previous relationship (4 years old) and he's using this as justification that he knows better.

Curious about whether he was married to mother of that child... or is that more extra marital sex and extra marital procreation by this practising Catholic with his "morals". He many baby mamas is he going to have? Maybe he should use some condoms; or would that be against his Catholic morals? (Abortion is not however).

Best of luck with everything.

It’s clear he’s trying to manipulate you. You’ve spent longer than you need to justifying your decision.