Father of baby wants an abortion

[Sarah24667]

Hi there,

I am really sorry if I'm posting this incorrectly, however, I really, really need some guidance and or advice. I'm seriously hoping and praying that I find it here.

I am 35 years old and have no children, however, I have always wanted children. I have been dating the father of the child for around 5 months, I only call him the father of the child as he has made it abundantly clear to me that he doesn't consider us to be in a relationship (this was news to me).

Anyway, I have yesterday discovered that I am 4 weeks (2 as I understand it) pregnant, which ws a shock. When I told the father of the child initially he said he would never "shirk responsibility" and "support me whatever decision I made", I felt relieved.. like we could do this together despite the circumstances. Well, he called me today and asked me to come over to discuss and it had totally changed his opinion, he was immediately saying that the only possible solution was to have an abortion. I was very surprised at this as he attends church every week and is a Catholic, however, he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind.. I immediately knew that I could not have an abortion and I spend several hours trying to explain the reasons why to him.

On a moral level I cannot even imagine having an abortion, I am not anti abortion at all, but for me personally I don't think I could live with myself. He did not understand any of my reasoning and to be honest I felt pressured into agreeing to consider an abortion. I literally begged him to "please don't ask me to do this" upon which he offered me no comfort despite me having what I can only describe as a panic attack. He tried to convince me to have an abortion by saying that he sees a serious future with me, but not if I have this child. He said he promised he would be there during and after and not leave me, however, not long after when it became clear I wouldn't agree he listed the reasons as to why I was "childish, selfish" and as to why we were so incompatible. Naturally this is hard to comprehend, so.. you see a future with me if I have an abortion that I don't want... And my prize for defying my morals and doing something I know I cannot live with is him.. yet at the same time he's going to tell me the reasons as to why I'm unsuitable.

I feel he's putting a lot of pressure on me, not listening to a word I'm saying and being very high handed. He already has a child from a previous relationship (4 years old) and he's using this as justification that he knows better. He kept asking me to find a solution, the only solution I could suggest is that this is my problem, not his. I want nothing to do with him and I'll do this on my own.

Can anyone please offer any advice, am I being inconsiderate? I am terrified of doing this alone, however, I want this child, it feels like my baby and abortion is simply not an option for me. I also feel like what he's said is unforgivable to me, and whilst I would never deny him visiting his child if he wanted I'd much prefer that he were not in the picture.

Oh dear! My humble view is that is not the right man for you. So if you do go ahead with your pregnancy it would be all on you.

Being a single mother is super hard. Is it is very expensive and many here will advise to get the pitiful help from government if you are struggling. Really hope you can have the means to support yourself. It is 18 years at least of commitment but being a mother is a gift nonetheless. I know women that with family support and the right job in the right country made it ok. Mind you some were house owners without mortgage. I guess you need to think of the future you can give the child.

I would have never have a child by myself but never got pregnant before marriage and also will not have thought of an abortion. Also, you are at the age that are getting late for children so there is that bit of may be feeling is your last chance.

All the best.

If you want the baby then absolutely don't have an abortion. He can't force you. But be sure it's the baby you want and not him and the baby because that won't be part of it. Your decision must be based on you and the child. Not the three of you.

The same man who doesn’t consider your five months together a relationship is promising to build a future with you? Without getting into anything else the man’s a conman brat.

You make the decision and there’s no reason you need him to have this baby, to the contrary I suspect he’d be more of a dead weight if he did stick around; I’d predict him to be very selfish and unlikely to change anything to accommodate a baby’s needs.

Start planning your life with your baby and stop wasting precious headspace on this pillock. If you do decide to let him be involved, keep it strictly about the dc and nothing else.

Is contacting the mother of his 4 year old a viable idea? Your children will be half-siblings so I’d be keen to work at them having a relationship away from him.

At 35 and in your position I would have the baby and go it alone.

In fact I did something similar at 34. The father is in the child's life but we aren't together and never were after the pregnancy. It was hard but totally worth it.

It is your decision but if it's to go ahead it is alone, walk away and don't even list him as the father (you don't want to be needing to get his permission for things). Is it possible financially to have no contact with him?

What @KimDeals said. Was in your situation. Pregnancy was stressful, with lots of emotional yo-yoing but I too am a very happy single mum with child I adore and a coparent I can tolerate. So very many congratulations. You're going to be just fine. Try to enjoy your pregnancy - being single and pregnant is weird but there are many of us who have done it and will support you xxx

Do not abort your baby for him!! I know of girls who have aborted their wanted baby for these 'men' and regret it for the rest of their lives and suffer from mental health problems due to the trauma.
Tell him to walk away, that you'll accept 100% responsibility for this baby and raise your baby alone.
Remember this is 100% your body, your choice. If you want this baby you can do it alone. Don't let him guilt trip you into having an abortion.
Best of luck ❤️

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I had similar circumstances and he made my life hell. Although I’m pleased to say I ignored his request and we now have a stunning young woman who has achieved A grades at school and has a promising career ahead. Reader I ditched him and never looked back.

@peachycream31

Great he's Catholic. Means there are two options as to where he ends up ........

Hmm. And sex before marriage clearly not a problem for him.

OP- this will be nothing to him and everything to you. Make your own decision but do not involve him.

I'm afraid your relationship as it was is over.

I did it alone. Yes it can be bloody tough, but tbh sometimes I reckon it was easier than some of my friends experiences of balancing motherhood while having a man child in their life. It is perfectly possible and my DD and I are an awesome team.

OP, this chap is what we call a 'right bastard'.
His religion does not protect him from being that and shouldn't hamper you from seeing it.

He shouldn't be putting pressure on you. Your body, your choice.

As probably everyone has said above, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, plan to have your baby alone as a single mum. I was alone from when my baby was four, it's hard but not impossible. And it's far, far better from being with some nasty man.

If you do go ahead, remember this moment. Remember you don't want that right bastard around and don't give him any power at all. But do claim child support.

Good luck, either way.

Keep your baby if that’s what you want to do.

He will not stick around if you have an abortion - he’s lying to get you to terminate.

Hmm. And sex before marriage clearly not a problem for him

And he’s already got a 4 year old so it’s not like he’s learnt anything. Bonus points if he’s actually divorced too.

Religious excuses are laughably pathetic in this mans case.

If he wants an abortion he is perfectly free to have one
Oh wait, this is YOUR body and therefore your choice.

Do not have an abortion you do not want.

It will be hard OP but I'd go it alone. You are 35, you want a child, you do not want an abortion. Yes this man isn't the greatest choice of father, but you're already pregnant now, so run with it if it is what you want.

Save as much as you can now, find pregnancy support groups in your area to create a support network if you don't have a decent friend and family network around you.

You can do this OP. It'll be hard, but you can do it if it's what you truly want. But cut that absolute dead weight of a man loose now, he is not a prize.

What a dick. There's obviously no future for the two of you.

In your shoes I'd be doing my research on the practicalities and financial impact of this baby. Check what you're entitled to- mat pay, maintenance, child benefit, any other benefits. Do you work and will you continue working then you'll need some kind of childcare which does not come cheap. Find our how much local nurseries/childminders are or if you have family that can help out. If you can, move close to family if they can provide support (I found it incredibly hard without this, even with a partner). The main cost of a baby is childcare in my opinion. Stuff - furniture and clothing etc - can be bought cheap (eg ikea) or second hand. Don't go into this blind - be prepared and come up with a plan. Good luck op.

Don't spend any more time explaining anything to him. He sounds like a horrible bully.

You won't see him for dust if you give in and abort.

Block him from being able to contact you and do whatever you like. Your body, your choice.

He can have an abortion when he's pregnant. Until then it is 100% your choice.

Well sorry but abortion is not a convenient form of birth control for irresponsible men. He should have worn a condom.
Tell him you're having one, send him packing and have your baby. You don't need hi. In your life.
I'll never regret having my son at 21 as a single parent. He is my life.

I would just go it alone, tell him if he doesn't want any part of It then fine it shows what kind of man he is and then leave him be.

Wow what a grand prize of a bastard he is offering in return! Do not listen to this man, you don’t want him in your life anyway, you’re far better off without him regardless of your decision.

Hello @Sarah24667 - we're going to move your thread over to Relationships now.

If you want this baby then you will have to be a single mother. I highly doubt this man will help you with parenting or finances. It is hilarious that he’s a “practising Catholic” but doesn’t abide by Catholic views (one of which is against abortions!)