Father of baby wants an abortion

[Sarah24667]

Hi there,

I am really sorry if I'm posting this incorrectly, however, I really, really need some guidance and or advice. I'm seriously hoping and praying that I find it here.

I am 35 years old and have no children, however, I have always wanted children. I have been dating the father of the child for around 5 months, I only call him the father of the child as he has made it abundantly clear to me that he doesn't consider us to be in a relationship (this was news to me).

Anyway, I have yesterday discovered that I am 4 weeks (2 as I understand it) pregnant, which ws a shock. When I told the father of the child initially he said he would never "shirk responsibility" and "support me whatever decision I made", I felt relieved.. like we could do this together despite the circumstances. Well, he called me today and asked me to come over to discuss and it had totally changed his opinion, he was immediately saying that the only possible solution was to have an abortion. I was very surprised at this as he attends church every week and is a Catholic, however, he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind.. I immediately knew that I could not have an abortion and I spend several hours trying to explain the reasons why to him.

On a moral level I cannot even imagine having an abortion, I am not anti abortion at all, but for me personally I don't think I could live with myself. He did not understand any of my reasoning and to be honest I felt pressured into agreeing to consider an abortion. I literally begged him to "please don't ask me to do this" upon which he offered me no comfort despite me having what I can only describe as a panic attack. He tried to convince me to have an abortion by saying that he sees a serious future with me, but not if I have this child. He said he promised he would be there during and after and not leave me, however, not long after when it became clear I wouldn't agree he listed the reasons as to why I was "childish, selfish" and as to why we were so incompatible. Naturally this is hard to comprehend, so.. you see a future with me if I have an abortion that I don't want... And my prize for defying my morals and doing something I know I cannot live with is him.. yet at the same time he's going to tell me the reasons as to why I'm unsuitable.

I feel he's putting a lot of pressure on me, not listening to a word I'm saying and being very high handed. He already has a child from a previous relationship (4 years old) and he's using this as justification that he knows better. He kept asking me to find a solution, the only solution I could suggest is that this is my problem, not his. I want nothing to do with him and I'll do this on my own.

Can anyone please offer any advice, am I being inconsiderate? I am terrified of doing this alone, however, I want this child, it feels like my baby and abortion is simply not an option for me. I also feel like what he's said is unforgivable to me, and whilst I would never deny him visiting his child if he wanted I'd much prefer that he were not in the picture.

First of all congratulations, this may be your only chance to have a baby. Yes you will be doing it on your own and it will be hard but go for it. Don't let yourself be bullied into doing something you don't want to .

@Iwantcauliflowercheese
I didn’t give advice, I made a comment based on my own perspective and I further commented respecting the OP’s position.

[quote meadowbleu]@Iwantcauliflowercheese
I didn’t give advice, I made a comment based on my own perspective and I further commented respecting the OP’s position.[/quote]
There have been many of us who have decided to go it alone and have a child and I, for one, found your comment insensitive. I have to say that I didn't even consider the genetic contribution of the bio father. I wanted my baby whatever her inheritance from him.

Many character traits are heritable, including things like job satisfaction. Hypocritical twattishness wasn't mentioned in twin studies so you're probably alright.

@Iwantcauliflowercheese then I'm sorry you feel offended.
Obviously this is based on your own personal experience and your love for your own child. Things have turned out well for you both, so that is only a good thing.

Again, my comments are based on my own personal opinion and not advice to anyone. It's not a situation where I think people should advise, other than for practical help such as offering up things to think about, or suggesting speaking to a counsellor. There are so many variables and everyone's situation is unique.

Sorry you’re in this situation OP.

Personally I find parenting, even with a supportive DH when we’ve been together several years very very difficult. I think choosing who you have a child with is one of the most important decision you will ever make, but of course life doesn’t always work out that way.

I agree, of course keep your baby - a decent man would not ask you to do this. What is he like as a father to his existing child? I think you also need to be prepared for him to change his mind, as it could be very difficult to navigate after he has behaved this way. It would be extremely challenging to hand over your child to someone you essentially don’t know very well, who has already said some awful things and tried to manipulate you.

I hope you have some good support in real life.

There have been many of us who have decided to go it alone and have a child and I, for one, found your comment insensitive. I have to say that I didn't even consider the genetic contribution of the bio father. I wanted my baby whatever her inheritance from him.

Absolutely this ^^

Very insensitive!

My experience the man has asked for an abortion he won't want anything to do with the child

My child doesn't have bio on his birth certificate but I've told him exactly who he is.

I was very surprised at this as he attends church every week and is a Catholic, however, he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind.

Newsflash. It's not "our situation".
He doesn't even consider himself in a relationship with you.
It is your situation. Your body. Your choice.

I immediately knew that I could not have an abortion and I spend several hours trying to explain the reasons why to him.
That's several wasted hours you'll never get back.
Please do not waste any more time 'reasoning' with this man.
You don't need to explain anything to him. He does not need to understand your reasons, because this is not his decision to make.

On a moral level I cannot even imagine having an abortion, I am not anti abortion at all, but for me personally I don't think I could live with myself.
Then - congratulations on your pregnancy!
Please note - your pregnancy. Not his, not anyone else's - yours.
If you want to go ahead, at 35, having always wanted children, then good for you. You will find support here from so many other strong single parents - you do what you want to do.

He did not understand any of my reasoning
Again - he does not need to.
Where are you getting this notion you need permission?
You don't even need agreement! - stop flogging this dead horse.

and to be honest I felt pressured into agreeing to consider an abortion.
Why? - he wasn't listening to you. Why did you listen to him?
In future - shut that shit down. You have no need to listen to his opinions on your pregnancy.

I literally begged him to "please don't ask me to do this"
You do not need to beg this man for anything.
You do not need to engage with him on any level (bar maintenance, & that can wait a few months before you address it.)
How many times do you need this assurance before you get it? - YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION.

upon which he offered me no comfort despite me having what I can only describe as a panic attack.
Minimise all contact with him. He is not your friend, & will never give you comfort. All he wants to do is badger you into having a n abortion. Stop playing by his rules - disengage, disengage, disengage!

He tried to convince me to have an abortion by saying that he sees a serious future with me, but not if I have this child.
So he went from "I do not consider us to be in a relationship" to -
"we have a serious future" in what - 8 seconds flat?

You know this is pure manipulation, right?
What he actually means is:

1. tell OP we are serious now
2. OP gets unwanted abortion to suit me
3. dump OP.

You'll be fine on your own OP, if this is what you want.
Dump him, tell him you will be in touch in a few months re: his monthly maintenance payments for the child, & do not discuss the pregnancy with him any further.
Do not give your baby his surname, & do not put him on the birth certificate.

And tell your closest friends everything you have written here, so that you have real life support. You must not waver - this man is a prize shit who thinks he is entitled to control your body. Do not let him.

Personally I would have the baby I think so I’m not trying to talk you round but I do think a lot of the comments on these threads are naive. You can’t just unilaterally decide to have the baby and nothing more to do with him unless you go on the run or something.

Co-parenting with a prick of an ex is a complete bloody nightmare and can cause massive issues for the child. My best friend has been absolutely through the wringer and it’s been terrible for her son’s self esteem. It’s not something I’d enter into lightly.

You're 35 and you've always wanted children.

I waited until I was 35 to start trying. 3 years of misery later after multiple miscarriages we decided to stop, mainly for the sake of my mental health but my poor husband had a very rough time of it too.

If you want this baby, you should have it.

There seems to be very consistent advice on this thread about not putting his name on the birth certificate. I don't know anything about the pros and cons of that but it seems worth looking into.

My advice would be dump him, block him and go it alone.

Hope you’re ok op xx

The hypocrisy of him attending Catholic Church and making out he's regretfully willing to just this once put his beliefs aside... because not doing so would inconvenience HIM.

Didn't belief the teachings strongly enough to not have sex before marriage either, did he?

Dodged a bullet relationship wise OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy, without him being a fun sponge and removing the joy from this special time

His chance to have a say in whether you have a baby was right before he impregnated you. He now (rightly) has no say in the matter.

You want the baby, so that's an end to it.

I think that blocking him everywhere and avoiding all contact from now on would be a good idea. You don't need to have the stress of dealing with him. I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy and a smooth delivery.

Any man who puts his uncovered penis in to a woman's vagina is making the decision that it's ok to create another human being.
That is the moment when he got a say on whether or not you got pregnant and he fathered a child.
I wish that every man would just remember that.

Do what YOU want to do and what feels right for YOU. He really has shown himself up to be a complete tosser so no matter what happens, don't get back together with him.

Block him til baby is born.

He can fuck right off - hypocritical catholic cunt.
Have your baby if you want to.

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your kind response, they have been incredibly helpful and offered so much insight and advice. I feel as if I have felt every emotion in the last 24 hours and I feel mentally and physically exhausted.

To answer some questions, yes, I do have a decent support network around me; siblings, mother, father etc. I am currently employed full time and having checked the maternity conditions of my contact I am entitled to some (although full pay is only for 8 weeks, decreasing to half pay after this for 16 weeks then statutory maternity pay).. so finances will need to be considered. Thankfully I have some savings, and I do own my own home, which i can afford. However childcare does concern me and I will need to look at the realistic prospect of returning to work part time after maternity, which may result in some government assistance.

I am so grateful to you all for your comments and support, knowing there are others who have been through this, it has helped me so much.

I'm sure there's a universal credit calculator on line that will help you plan.

Go for it and congratulations!

Best of luck op. A friend of mine had a similar thing, she was really harassed by the ex over it. It was horrible. Take care.

Don't forget your baby will also be entitled to money from the father. That will help pay for childcare hopefully.

however, he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind.

What very fluid morals he has, very fluid abd very convenient.

You Don "set aside" morals when it suits you or because you judge a situation to be "bad".

He half created that situation, he's half responsible; so if it's a "bad" situation it's his own doing.

I'm afraid a pregnancy is not a "bad situation".

His morals are a joke.

However childcare does concern me and I will need to look at the realistic prospect of returning to work part time after maternity

If you earn low enough to be entitled to a universal credit payment, you get 85% of childcare paid for

You should get 12% of his income as long as he doesn't have the baby/child more than a certain number of over nights a year. The calculator is online.