Father of baby wants an abortion

[Sarah24667]

Hi there,

I am really sorry if I'm posting this incorrectly, however, I really, really need some guidance and or advice. I'm seriously hoping and praying that I find it here.

I am 35 years old and have no children, however, I have always wanted children. I have been dating the father of the child for around 5 months, I only call him the father of the child as he has made it abundantly clear to me that he doesn't consider us to be in a relationship (this was news to me).

Anyway, I have yesterday discovered that I am 4 weeks (2 as I understand it) pregnant, which ws a shock. When I told the father of the child initially he said he would never "shirk responsibility" and "support me whatever decision I made", I felt relieved.. like we could do this together despite the circumstances. Well, he called me today and asked me to come over to discuss and it had totally changed his opinion, he was immediately saying that the only possible solution was to have an abortion. I was very surprised at this as he attends church every week and is a Catholic, however, he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind.. I immediately knew that I could not have an abortion and I spend several hours trying to explain the reasons why to him.

On a moral level I cannot even imagine having an abortion, I am not anti abortion at all, but for me personally I don't think I could live with myself. He did not understand any of my reasoning and to be honest I felt pressured into agreeing to consider an abortion. I literally begged him to "please don't ask me to do this" upon which he offered me no comfort despite me having what I can only describe as a panic attack. He tried to convince me to have an abortion by saying that he sees a serious future with me, but not if I have this child. He said he promised he would be there during and after and not leave me, however, not long after when it became clear I wouldn't agree he listed the reasons as to why I was "childish, selfish" and as to why we were so incompatible. Naturally this is hard to comprehend, so.. you see a future with me if I have an abortion that I don't want... And my prize for defying my morals and doing something I know I cannot live with is him.. yet at the same time he's going to tell me the reasons as to why I'm unsuitable.

I feel he's putting a lot of pressure on me, not listening to a word I'm saying and being very high handed. He already has a child from a previous relationship (4 years old) and he's using this as justification that he knows better. He kept asking me to find a solution, the only solution I could suggest is that this is my problem, not his. I want nothing to do with him and I'll do this on my own.

Can anyone please offer any advice, am I being inconsiderate? I am terrified of doing this alone, however, I want this child, it feels like my baby and abortion is simply not an option for me. I also feel like what he's said is unforgivable to me, and whilst I would never deny him visiting his child if he wanted I'd much prefer that he were not in the picture.

Dump him, enjoy your pregnancy /baby. You're stronger than you think.
If he wants an abortion, send him off to his gp.

So this man has had a relationship with you, resulting in a pregnancy. His church morals have gone straight out the window and he's trying to force you to abort a child you badly want. He's a morally bankrupt creep and a total hypocrite.

You want this child, you don't want an abortion, you are mature enough to be able to offer that child a good life. There is no reason to abort.

If you abort the child, he will leave within a week, if you don't he will leave. So he has become irrelevant. It's your body and your choice. Go with your instincts.

Oh, the "your selfish, childish" thing and "I want us to have a future but on my terms" type. Been there.

Have the baby. He has no rights over your body. He has no right to try and control you. F* him off, and concentrate on building a life for you and your LO.

Congratulations!

He is manipulating you to get rid of your baby in the false promise that he'll stay with you. I wouldn't want to be with a man like that, so that kind of promise would have the opposite effect for me and I'd realise what a lucky escape I'd had from him.

You do not have to have an abortion because of him. It's your baby and your body. Keep your baby if that's what you want to do and tell him to do one

‘DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.’

^ why do people write this on threads like this as if anyone can put anyone’s name on a birth certificate ffs. He clearly isn’t interested and would need to be present when the child is being registered.

Op, it’s your body and your choice, he is a horrible person.

OP, congratulations! You’re having a baby!

I was 37 and in your shoes. I also has the lump of a father with all his own mess.

You ask for advice - well, it sounds like you are really happy about the baby but distraught by him.
It’s a difficult job but you will need to untangle him from what you are going to be - a mum. You can ABSOLUTELY do it. And his role in it all… you can define that. In my experience it gets easier figuring out “his” role when the baby is here. Your confidence will grow, and you’ll feel less need to share / look for confirmation of your decisions etc, from him. That’s a biggie I think when you do this on your own - the only other person, you think, who shares the weight of the decision making, is them. And that can weigh heavy at the start but you will grow into being a parent and feel the convictions of your choices and decisions for your child quickly. You don’t need him.

It will be a bit scary at times. And expect him to yo-yo with his feelings. Advice here - try to not rush ANYTHING when it comes to him. There is no hurry (I just say that in the event of him attempting to have a relationship, with either you or the baby).

I’m a single parent to two great children, currently splayed across me in my bed, I love it. Their dad, we have worked out some sort of a co-parent thing. It got worse before it got better. I’ve learned to take it all slowly. My conviction and confidence as a parent and decision maker is high now. I’m just doing it. You will too xxx

Never see him again. Block him on everything you can, and do not bother to talk to him.
He is going to get you to misscarry if he cannot get you to gave an abortion, by making you so upset.
He has taken his decision. You are entitled to take yours.
You want the baby, and you are prepared to do so alone, so be it. You can do it OP! And, trust me, you are blessed for it.
The father can get lost!
Also, his second child..... he could have used his time going to church to reflect on that.... much for a "catholic" father whose role model is Joseph (took as his a baby that was not his, and was a committed father and husband through tough times, at all times!)

You don't have to do anything that causes you anguish. You want a baby, well you are having one. Tell him to take his flexible morals elsewhere and remind him he has a lot to confess to next time he goes to confession. I hope you have a great pregnancy.

At 35 you want a baby, he clearly does not. There is no real future in your relationship. He might have strung it out for a few more years leaving you in a position where you are too old for children. To me he doesn't sound like the wonderful prize he seems to think he is.

The only choice you really need to make is having his baby or finding someone else and having a child together. Or do both.

Congratulations and I hope you have a good pregnancy.

If he was a practising Catholic you wouldn’t have had sex in the first place, so I wouldn’t be relying on that line of argument. It’s ultimately your choice, but you should be making the decision knowing you’ll do it alone.

It is entirely clear you have 2 options here:
1)have a baby and be a single parent
2) don't have a baby because you don't want to have a baby for whatever reason, not because he says so

@Staryflight445

‘DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.’

^ why do people write this on threads like this as if anyone can put anyone’s name on a birth certificate ffs. He clearly isn’t interested and would need to be present when the child is being registered.

Op, it’s your body and your choice, he is a horrible person.

Because people do put uninterested idiot type fathers names on the birth certificate.... Or is that just me?

Congratulations!!

As for him, he has already decided.

Regarding the birth certificate, I'm pretty sure he has to be there when registering the birth if you want his name included as you aren't married. I had 3 DC before I married, it took nearly 6 weeks to register DC1 as my ex was too busy not working to bother going and he didn't want to be not named - his mother was insistent he be named, him not so much. So many red flags it was a parade!

I'm sorry but he really is a douche, if he didn't want a child he should've kept his pencil in his pocket as they say

Distance yourself from him, don’t reply to messages, and keep the baby. You sound as if you wouldn’t be able to come to terms with having an abortion, so don’t even consider it

Leave him to his sulk

He sounds dreadful.
Accept you are doing this alone.
Cut him out of your life, he will bring you nothing but sadness.
You will be fine.
Congratulations.😀

Congratulations OP

This man has shown you who he is - listen to him and cut your losses. Your body, your baby.

He didn't see you as a potential life partner so you were a convenience to him. You deserve better. Walk away now and focus on your future with your baby.

How are you set financially?
Do NOT put his name on the birth certificate.

If he was so desperately against having any more children, there was one sure fire way he could have accomplished that. Pity he didn't bother to inform you of his opinion on the matter before he dropped he trousers. It obviously wasn't so important to him when he was trying to get you into bed.

If you want the baby, keep it. It's your body, your life, your choice. I feel the same way as you - I'm pro choice but I don't think I could have one (except for serious medical complications/malformations etc). No uterus, no vote. And definitely don't let him manipulate you into putting his name on the certificate.

@MrsTerryPratchett

he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind

Well that's big of him.

When he grows a uterus, he gets the deciding vote. Back in the real world, he doesn't. You want the pregnancy to continue, it does. He can suck it up.

Congratulations. I hope it all goes really well!

Why are so many religious people like this?

The only justified abortion is their abortion …

He is entitled to his opinion, and in the same way that you are upset that he should be listening to your reasons and understanding them, you should also be listening and trying to understand his.

That said, the final decision will always lay with the woman. It is her body. So if you don't want an abortion there is nothing he can do and you should proceed with the pregnancy. Be realistic though, being a single parent is hard. You need to consider both the short and long term issues...money, work, childcare for work up to school age and then wrap around/holiday cover, what happens if they are ill, most employers will only grant 24 hours leave and expect you to find alternative cover for looking after them for example. It is doable, but is it not easy. Especially with no support from the other parent.

The bit I suspect I will be unpopular with is this... if you choose to continue with this pregnancy regardless of his thoughts and feelings on it then I do think that you should forgo any claim to his income for raising the child. I appreciate that he would still be legally required to pay cms but morally I think it is wrong.

if he doesn't want children with all that means including paying maintenance for them then he should have dropped his morals by using a condom or getting a vasectomy.

He doesn't consider himself to be in a relationship with you after 5 months, wants you to have an abortion (even though it goes against his religion) but he'll be a wonderful partner if you agree to an abortion??? What a charmer!!!
You're 35 and you'd like a child. You don't want an abortion.
Ditch the dickhead and keep the baby. Yes it'll be really hard but I think you know that's what you want.

It's morally wrong for him to ask for an abortion or have sex outside of marriage, it's not morally wrong to ask for a parent to provide for a child. (From a Catholic perspective)

Congratulations on your pregnancy @Sarah24667 - This man doesn't sound like someone who would be a great dad or partner. I suggest you distance yourself from him so you are able to focus on, and enjoy your pregnancy.

He's a twat, as if you would want a future with him after he forced you into an abortion you didn't want.

It's your body and your baby, do what feels right for you.

You want this baby, Sarah, and if you believe you can manage, have the baby.

The man is panicking (not unusual, even married ones do that), but he has said he will support you. I wish he hadn't suggested abortion but it's amazing how often people do, even those who think it's wrong. Everything is theory until you are in a situation.

He may want to have more involvement when your child is born, and regret his earlier cold feet, however you can't depend on that so be prepared to go it alone for the most part.

Good luck.

Congratulations.

I have been a lp since my son was 10 months old.

It is tough more juggling. Start saving aa much as you can now.

Block him. He is only going to try and manipulate you into an abortion. You don't need the stress now and you clearly know what you want.

Morally ignore the cms.. this is money for the child and legally you are entitled to that.

Do you have much rl support go to them ..