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Original poster

Father of baby wants an abortion

179 replies

Sarah24667 · 11/09/2021 03:19

Hi there,

I am really sorry if I'm posting this incorrectly, however, I really, really need some guidance and or advice. I'm seriously hoping and praying that I find it here.

I am 35 years old and have no children, however, I have always wanted children. I have been dating the father of the child for around 5 months, I only call him the father of the child as he has made it abundantly clear to me that he doesn't consider us to be in a relationship (this was news to me).

Anyway, I have yesterday discovered that I am 4 weeks (2 as I understand it) pregnant, which ws a shock. When I told the father of the child initially he said he would never "shirk responsibility" and "support me whatever decision I made", I felt relieved.. like we could do this together despite the circumstances. Well, he called me today and asked me to come over to discuss and it had totally changed his opinion, he was immediately saying that the only possible solution was to have an abortion. I was very surprised at this as he attends church every week and is a Catholic, however, he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind.. I immediately knew that I could not have an abortion and I spend several hours trying to explain the reasons why to him.

On a moral level I cannot even imagine having an abortion, I am not anti abortion at all, but for me personally I don't think I could live with myself. He did not understand any of my reasoning and to be honest I felt pressured into agreeing to consider an abortion. I literally begged him to "please don't ask me to do this" upon which he offered me no comfort despite me having what I can only describe as a panic attack. He tried to convince me to have an abortion by saying that he sees a serious future with me, but not if I have this child. He said he promised he would be there during and after and not leave me, however, not long after when it became clear I wouldn't agree he listed the reasons as to why I was "childish, selfish" and as to why we were so incompatible. Naturally this is hard to comprehend, so.. you see a future with me if I have an abortion that I don't want... And my prize for defying my morals and doing something I know I cannot live with is him.. yet at the same time he's going to tell me the reasons as to why I'm unsuitable.

I feel he's putting a lot of pressure on me, not listening to a word I'm saying and being very high handed. He already has a child from a previous relationship (4 years old) and he's using this as justification that he knows better. He kept asking me to find a solution, the only solution I could suggest is that this is my problem, not his. I want nothing to do with him and I'll do this on my own.

Can anyone please offer any advice, am I being inconsiderate? I am terrified of doing this alone, however, I want this child, it feels like my baby and abortion is simply not an option for me. I also feel like what he's said is unforgivable to me, and whilst I would never deny him visiting his child if he wanted I'd much prefer that he were not in the picture.

OP posts:

TheWeatherWitch · 11/09/2021 11:08

Your body, your life, your baby.

It’s up to you what you do, but I think at 35, if you feel ready to be a mum then go for it. How many more chances do you think you’ll get?

If he wants an abortion , tell him to go for one, but you won’t!
He doesn’t get to tell you what to do. If he hadn’t wanted a baby, he should have worn a condom. He didn’t, now it’s your choice. He no longer gets a say in this.

AgentJohnson · 11/09/2021 11:08

If you want the baby, keep the baby, you do not need his permission. However, if you do keep the baby you will be a single parent with a twat of an Ex.

“Set aside his morals”, he’s a just a hypocrite who believes in things until they impact him, aka a hypocrite. Unless it was an immaculate conception, his selective Catholic beliefs should not have been a surprise to you.

You’ve been together for 20 weeks, he was always this arsehole, he’s just now letting you see him in his full glory. He can’t force you to terminate no more than you can force him to be involved.

The balls in your court not his but a pregnancy in such a short relationship unlikely to end in you playing happy families.

Congratulations! I am a single parent and it wasn’t something I planned but if I could go back in time, I would have been an official single parent a lot earlier.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 11/09/2021 11:11

What a vile man. This is your decision op. Have the baby, cut this man out of your life. If you are happy to have a child solo - go for it.

drpet49 · 11/09/2021 11:13

* If you want the baby, keep the baby, you do not need his permission. However, if you do keep the baby you will be a single parent with a twat of an Ex.*

^This. If he decides he wants shared custody etc when baby is older could he co-parent with him. Would you want the hassle of it etc? Lots to think about.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 11/09/2021 11:18

It's obviously your choice but personally I wouldn't want to have a baby knowing that the 'father' doesn't want it. The thought of having to deal with a hostile ex for the rest of the child's life and longer would put me off. I think it's unfair on the potential child to bring them into that type of situation.

What if the father goes for joint custody? It's all too complicated and not fair on the child.
I'd have a child as a single person but not in these circumstances when the pregnancy is so early!

However it's up to you. You want a baby and you don't agree with abortions for yourself so you will have to hope things turn out ok.
It's not a great situation though

HavelockVetinari · 11/09/2021 11:20

@MrsTerryPratchett

he said that our situation was so bad that he was willing to set aside his morals to justify abortion in his mind

Well that's big of him.

When he grows a uterus, he gets the deciding vote. Back in the real world, he doesn't. You want the pregnancy to continue, it does. He can suck it up.

Congratulations. I hope it all goes really well!

This.

HavelockVetinari · 11/09/2021 11:22

@ItsNotMeAnymore

It's obviously your choice but personally I wouldn't want to have a baby knowing that the 'father' doesn't want it. The thought of having to deal with a hostile ex for the rest of the child's life and longer would put me off. I think it's unfair on the potential child to bring them into that type of situation. What if the father goes for joint custody? It's all too complicated and not fair on the child. I'd have a child as a single person but not in these circumstances when the pregnancy is so early! However it's up to you. You want a baby and you don't agree with abortions for yourself so you will have to hope things turn out ok. It's not a great situation though

I'm pretty sure most people with a less-than-stellar father don't wish they'd been aborted!

The child will be fine, brought up by a loving mother.

Shamsa03 · 11/09/2021 11:25

My youngest son bio father wanted me to have a abortion, I didn't.
He is now nearly 20 and bio has never had any contact with him
Infact when I reached out to bios brother he told me 'past is past move on!'

Have the baby. I love my son with every bone in my body, I couldn't imagine life without him. It does hurt that my gorgeous wonderful son has never had a dad and it hurts him too.

IceLace100 · 11/09/2021 11:28

*It’s up to you what you do, but I think at 35, if you feel ready to be a mum then go for it. How many more chances do you think you’ll get?
*
Women commonly have babies much later than this. It's not like OP is early 40s, when your argument would make more sense.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 11/09/2021 11:31

He can have an abortion if he wants. Not sure how he will with male physiology but am sure he can try. But he can’t make you have one. Your body, your choice.

Yummypumpkin · 11/09/2021 11:33

Tell him you had an abortion. Cut all contact. Raise your child on your own.

Not my usual morals either but in this case would seem the best for all.

You can have the baby without having to have him in your life.

Likewise I suspect he won't want to see the child so you could get maintenance without having to deal with him...doesn't sound like he's going to want to see the child.

Poster above saying, what if he fights for joint custody...what on earth in his behaviour to date makes you think this is a possibility?

Shamsa03 · 11/09/2021 11:33

Its your body you choose don't listen to him.
The baby has you and you will be a wonderful loving mother.

tickledtiger · 11/09/2021 11:35

You’re doing the right thing.

You are not being inconsiderate at all.

Wintertime1973 · 11/09/2021 11:48

Hi,

Put him to one side, do you really want to be a single mum, bringing this child up be yourself? It can be so difficult....
Do you have a support network?

RiverSkater · 11/09/2021 12:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy. 😊

Focus in the fact you are pregnant with a much wanted baby. Cut this man out of your life- he is cruelly manipulative and does not consider you at all, he is only focused on himself.

Send him message saying you are having the baby and ending all communication. Then block him.

Have you got family and friends you can share this with for support?

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 11/09/2021 12:01

Congratulations! You’re going to be a fantastic single parent. You can definitely do this.
I’m sorry that this guy turned out to be such a tosser but better to find out now than later. Just cut him out. Maybe he can think about how he’s behaved next time he’s in church.

layladomino · 11/09/2021 12:07

Congratulations on your baby op!

Shame about the father, but you can do this without him.

You get the final say on this, and you know you couldn't have the baby aborted, so that's the end of the decision-making.

I'm amused by the arrogance of his enticing 'if you get rid of the baby you've always wanted you can have the dream of a relationship with ME!' !!!!

Yeah right - first of all, he's already said you're not in a r'ship so why would that suddenly change? Second of all, he's clearly just saying that to try to coerce you in to the abortion, and there are no guarantees you would end up together even if you did what he wanted, and thirdly - WHY on earth would you want to be in a r'ship with this person? He's shown his true colours.

Keep the baby. Forget about the loser.

belle40 · 11/09/2021 12:10

I had one of these OP. Please make the decision that suits you. Do not allow a disgusting arrogant hypocrite take this opportunity from you if you want to keep the baby. (I have been single since my child's birth and we have been fine. My child is now 6). I am absolutely at the 'practising Catholic' line from him. I would keep the baby and tell him he needs to 'practice' a lot more and no where near you. Good luck x

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/09/2021 12:13

Well men can’t have abortions so he’s going to look very silly when he asks for one.

As if your going to end a pg because a man isn’t happy.

meadowbleu · 11/09/2021 12:19

I apologise in advance if this is insensitive, but it's food for thought from a different angle. I am pro choice and supportive of women who go ahead to parent alone.

For me, given what you've told us about this man @Sarah24667 I would not want a child of mine to share his genetics. Regardless of whether he stayed around and was in the baby's life at all, I would feel we were all linked for the rest of our lives. For that reason and for the fact that I really don't like to complicate my life if I don't need to, I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy, especially as it's at such an early stage.

That said, I am not you and you've said you want to progress with the pregnancy. Your mind must be in absolute turmoil. I'd recommend some pregnancy counselling and not communicating with the man until you are very clear on the best way forward for you.

As for the remark above about 'putting the father on the birth certificate' I always read that as shorthand for the mother feeling obligated to extend this option, not a belief that the father has no say in whether it happens or not.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 11/09/2021 12:34

@meadowbleu

I apologise in advance if this is insensitive, but it's food for thought from a different angle. I am pro choice and supportive of women who go ahead to parent alone.

For me, given what you've told us about this man @Sarah24667 I would not want a child of mine to share his genetics. Regardless of whether he stayed around and was in the baby's life at all, I would feel we were all linked for the rest of our lives. For that reason and for the fact that I really don't like to complicate my life if I don't need to, I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy, especially as it's at such an early stage.

It's very insensitive. If I had taken your advice I would have the wonderful family I have now. My DD's bio father's genes gave her good looks and intelligence. The fact that he was useless didn't impact her in any negative way.

DrSbaitso · 11/09/2021 12:45

You'll get absolutely no support from him and he will never feel responsible or be there for you at all, whether you terminate or not.

Make whatever decision is best for you, in that knowledge.

TubeOfSmarties · 11/09/2021 12:55

If you don't want to have an abortion, do not have an abortion.

You just need to make sure that you are willing and able to raise the baby on your own. That's not a suggestion that you are not, by the way, just saying that that is a possible, and by the sounds of this bloke, quite likely outcome. So you need to accept that from the outset.

Make YOUR decision. Whether he then decides to stick around, or whether you decide to let him. can follow.

IceLace100 · 11/09/2021 13:00

I didn't think this was insensitive at all.

I think the poster gave a completely valid alternative view. She wasn't talking about you and your family...

BeachDrifting · 11/09/2021 13:21

Don’t talk to him about this again. He’s horrific. Keep the child and raise it yourself. I know lots of single mums. You’re in your thirties and capable. Make an NCT network and join baby groups. Make friends your family. You can do this

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