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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum hates and is jealous of my sister

104 replies

Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:02

Ever since we was little my mum has never liked my sister, from things like locking her in cupboards and dark rooms to make her stop crying, from cutting her hair to teach her a lesson to stop trimming her hair, to not letting her go on school trips to her end of year school play, to making us hide from her in the park so my sister thought we had all left her..
To things like saying she shows off when she walks and acts up for my dad.. to not letting her put her drink in the fridge to things like saying she shows off when she buys herself ice cream so my sister stoped buying things like that. Basically every little thing my sister done my mum had a problem with it.. right till this day..
She has told my sis she’s the reason her and my dads marriage is broken.. the list goes on..
She also said she feels nothing for my sis
I just want to know what is wrong with my mum and why she is like this ..

OP posts:
PopsicleHustler · 09/09/2021 12:04

How bloody awful. Hide in the park and pretend you have gone home really hurt my heart. Am so sorry and I wish you and your sister had a better mother. Is sister younger or older than you? Is she still living at home? What's the dynamic now?

Honeymare · 09/09/2021 12:07

Personally I would stop trying to understand my mother and just be there for my sister. Tell her how wrong it all is and no reflection on her. Tell her how it hurts you too and you feel her pain and wish you could take it away.

And go NC with your mum. Despicable woman.

Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:08

We’re now in our early 20s but we’ve both moved out, however my sister is still controlled by my mother in everything she does..

She has tried to take her own life bc of the abuse she has gone through. She is older than me

OP posts:
bg21 · 09/09/2021 12:09

your mum is abusive ! your poor sister

Pinkbonbon · 09/09/2021 12:11

Your mother is a narcissist (narcissistic personality disorder) or similar and you are talking about the golden child vs scapegoat dynamics. Your sister is your mothers scapegoat child. Meaning she is treated like shit in order to damage her self esteem and essentially break her down. Often this may also involve extra love and praise for a gden child (you?) In order to further make your sister feel unloved and unlovable.

I hope you find the strength to tell your mother to fuck off and support your sister in her recovery from this abusive childhood. You yourself were actially abused by you mum too, but in a different way to your sister. Forcing a child to witness abuse of a sibling and to participate - is also abuse.

All you need to understand is that your mothers behaviour was and is not ok, or excusable.

Notapheasantplucker · 09/09/2021 12:12

Why does your Mum still get to control everything your sister does? Why does your sister let her? Does she rely on your Mum for anything?

PersonaNonGarter · 09/09/2021 12:13

You need to be there for your sister and get you both away from your mother.

Has your sister had professional support? Counselling?

SukonthaM · 09/09/2021 12:15

I’d cut all contact with your mother and help your sister break away from her

Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:17

I have loads of other siblings too, younger ones and older. She controls her by basically taking her money that she gets from universal credit and calling it “rent money” bc my sister lives in my nans house that has already been paid off (my Nan has died) and now my sis has gotten a new job my sisters “rent” will go up.. on universal credit my parents would take £100 from her and leave her with hardly anything to survive for the rest of the month

OP posts:
Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:18

With the controlling, as I said my sis got a new job and my mum is saying she can’t do it etc etc.. and every morning or after she finishes work phones her and lectures her about it and also controls what she wears

OP posts:
Sicario · 09/09/2021 12:20

I'm another one saying your sister (and perhaps you too) should cut contact with your toxic mother.

Your mother is horrifically abusive and god knows your sister is going to need a world of therapy and support to help her begin to heal herself and move forward. Your sister is in grave danger of repeating old patterns because she has been emotionally destroyed by your awful mother.

I hope she can find the support she needs as quickly as possible.

Stircraazy · 09/09/2021 12:21

Enquire with relatives about DM's childhood - I believe this stuff often continues from that. So did DM have a prettier, cleverer etc sister and DM sees her as that sister? Did DM's own mother treat her badly, favour an older brother, dislike girls?
This doesn't heal the wounds but understanding that it is DM's issues from the past (or whatever it was) caused this and not your DSis herself, and your DSis is fine (apart from the damage done by DM), might help her feel better about herself.

Justcashnosweets · 09/09/2021 12:22

Your Mum is abusing your sister and its up to you to try and support her to get away from your Mum. You know this can't continue, can your sister live with you for a while? And both go absolutely no contact with your Mum?

LucyLocketsPocket · 09/09/2021 12:23

That's so awful. Your poor sister.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2021 12:24

You sister needs to say no to her mother, as hard as it is, she needs to get out of your nans house and live on her own, speak to the council, whatever, but she needs to get away

Why your mother is abusive I don’t know. I know you are young, is there anything you can do to support her?

Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:30

I try to talk and advise my sister but I think she may be scared of my mum as to why she always listens to everything she says.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 09/09/2021 12:31

Your mum is abusive and a terrible parent.
How does she take rent for a house she doesn’t live in?

Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:31

I know I shouldn’t be sad or hurt by all this bc it never happened to me but it has affected me so much 😞

OP posts:
Redjumper1 · 09/09/2021 12:32

You mother is probably a narc. look it up. Your sister is the scapegoat. There will be lost children, golden children, scapegoat children. This is fairly typical behaviour of a narc. Your sisters only hope is to cut herself off from her Mother and even maybe her siblings if they are flying monkeys (look that up too). See what role you play also OP as everyone in the family plays a role that the narc has chosen for them.

Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:33

@Sparklesocks the house is not liveable either.. no radiators, no doors, no flooring in any rooms, kitchen is absolutely disgusting, you can see through the bathroom floor to the kitchen

OP posts:
Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:34

@Redjumper1 I was the favourite child. But a lot has happened between me and my mum so we don’t speak much anymore

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 09/09/2021 12:35

Siblings which observe abuse towards a brother or sister and also affected by it, not least because they can feel powerless and guilty. Your feelings are valid.

The way your mum treats your sister is abhorrent and to be honest I would consider getting authorities involved to at least put a stop to the financial abuse.

Maybe have a chat with womens aid, I know they're mostly associated with domestic abuse by men against women but not exclusively and they have the info and tools you need to best support your sister and free her from this awful situation.

TaraR2020 · 09/09/2021 12:36

*are

Pinkbonbon · 09/09/2021 12:42

@Simplicity1011

I know I shouldn’t be sad or hurt by all this bc it never happened to me but it has affected me so much 😞
You have every right to feel sad and hurt. Because making a child witness abuse, is abuse. You have been abused too. Your feelings are valid.

I think this is one of these things where with your sister you have to take a but by bit approach into helping her understand that her mother is abusive. Perhaps by linking her to youtube videos about the narcissistic mother. And there are also plenty of books on the subject of narcissists and how growing up with them shapes your personality.

But another really good thing you could do for her is to praise her. Tell ger how proud you are of her for her new job. And make sure she knows how much you love her. Build up her self esteem.

It might also help to have a convo with her about her self esteem. Often victims of abuse can be very harsh on themselves. If this sounds familiar, i'd ask her why she thinks she feels about herself that way? I'd then list her achievements and tell her I think she is awesome. And that if there are people in her life seeking to bring her down rather than lift her up (like we should for those we love) that I fully support her in distancing themselves from those people and will do whatever I can to support them when they want to take thise steps.

bookh · 09/09/2021 12:42

Does sister have same dad? For sure? Or is mum hiding something there hence the blame re her own marriage break up.

Either way it's horrendous.