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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum hates and is jealous of my sister

104 replies

Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:02

Ever since we was little my mum has never liked my sister, from things like locking her in cupboards and dark rooms to make her stop crying, from cutting her hair to teach her a lesson to stop trimming her hair, to not letting her go on school trips to her end of year school play, to making us hide from her in the park so my sister thought we had all left her..
To things like saying she shows off when she walks and acts up for my dad.. to not letting her put her drink in the fridge to things like saying she shows off when she buys herself ice cream so my sister stoped buying things like that. Basically every little thing my sister done my mum had a problem with it.. right till this day..
She has told my sis she’s the reason her and my dads marriage is broken.. the list goes on..
She also said she feels nothing for my sis
I just want to know what is wrong with my mum and why she is like this ..

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/09/2021 12:48

Also, be sure to think of yourself too as even the golden children of narcissists often go on to have other narcissists in their lives as it is the dynamic that they are used to.

Make sure to take steps to learn how to spot these sorts. And read up also on codependency (a side effect may raised by narcissists often suffer).

It's great you want to help your sister break free. But remember you yourself were a victim of your mothers behaviour and need to focus on learning not to get yourself in a situation where this family dynamic will be repeated (eg: you end up dating a narcissist).

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 09/09/2021 12:48

Your sister needs counselling and very real support, because trying to stand up to that without truly understanding it's not her fault is going to be very difficult.

I think all you can do is help her as best you can - could she live with you for a bit so she's not 'indebted' to your mum? Could you help signpost her to support? Go with her to the GP? Anything practical and just being an emotional support reminding her that it's not her and it is 100% your awful mum.

whynotwhatknot · 09/09/2021 12:50

Can you help your sister to move out and start afresh maybe with you for a while

she needs to go nc

moresugarpls · 09/09/2021 12:59

My mother is like this. I have 3 sisters. Growing up my mum would often pick on the eldest and younger sister. I even remember older dsis trying to commit suicide after she had an argument with my mum. I was the one who found her ( I was 15) and went into the ambulance with her whilst mum carried on watching tv. She didn’t give a shit.

We’re all in our thirties now and NC with my mum now. I’m not a psychologist but I strongly suspect she has a personality disorder.

Your sister needs to sever all ties with your mother. Can she move out of her nans house? Are you able to move her in with you or help raise a deposit so she can rent somewhere else.

Dillydollydingdong · 09/09/2021 13:05

That's dreadful. Your sister needs to move out of the house where she's living and get some independence. She's obviously psychologically chained to your mother and needs some therapy. Help her, won't you OP?

Kangkla · 09/09/2021 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 13:13

Guys I’m trying to help her but then my mother will tell her something and she’ll forget everything I’ve told her.. I don’t know what else to do.. my sis knows what she needs to do but she also feels like she has to stay loyal to my mum and do everything she says. I want her to escape so badly. It plays on my mind constantly

OP posts:
Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 13:13

I’ve asked her if she would want to move in with me and she keeps saying no 😞

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/09/2021 13:16

She has to make the decision for herself op and it may be some years before she is ready to do that.

All you can do is point ger in the direction of reading about narcissist family dynamics and let her know you have her back when she is ready.

Give yourself permission to take a step back from stressing about it op. You have every right to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Besides, once you are mentally healthy and truly understand what went on, you will be in a much better position to help her when she does try to escape.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/09/2021 13:20

This is an awful situation for you, because you were powerless as a child to stop it and you can't make your sister see that she's being so badly treated, even now. I agree with the above poster that said you have to look after yourself, as in keep yourself mentally healthy and strong, and model good caring behaviour to your sister. Gently suggest to your sister that your mum may not always be right and give her options, don't blame her or make her feel bad as that will not give her the strength to leave and might stop her opening up to you.

You sound like a lovely person who knew from very young that your parents behaviour was wrong, but couldn't fix it. Being there for your sister going forward and supporting anything she does to break away just a little bit will be very helpful, but don't let it eat you up, because then no-one is better off.

LittleOldMe124 · 09/09/2021 13:21

She needs to find somewhere else to live and change her number/block your mum. I feel so sorry for her, you and your siblings. Sounds like she has mental health issues Flowers

Notapheasantplucker · 09/09/2021 13:23

If she doesn't want to help herself then there is nothing you can do. You've offered your sister help, support and a place to stay and she doesn't want it. I don't know what more you could do..

Itsbeen84yearss · 09/09/2021 13:25

Oh my goodness this is terrible. This woman needs cutting off

Ozanj · 09/09/2021 13:35

Your sister is being abused and ‘renting’ a substandard property. You can make an official complaint to the police.

SnatchCassidy · 09/09/2021 13:43

Sadly your sister is not at the same level or readiness to act as you are. Until she decides herself to drop contact with your bullying abusive mum nothing will change. Just make her know that you are there when she is ready to free herself. Keep loving her and letting her know she always has a safe place to stay with you if she wants it.

HyacynthBucket · 09/09/2021 13:46

Your poor sister OP. As others have said this is classic narc/scapegoat stuff. Your sister's reluctance to move out or have less to do with your terrible mother is because she is still longing for something good from her, which will never come. If you could just get her away from that house to stay with you - baby steps one at a time, maybe just for a "visit" to you, you might be able to model a different and less dependent life to her. And then find reasons not to go back there, and gradually wean her away. Your mother is totally toxic and where is your father? Weak? Enabling your mother? Detached or not daring to have any input into relationships with his children? Your Dsis may be hoping for something from him too, which won't happen. Its so good your sister has you OP. Please do help her.

Firstdateshotel · 09/09/2021 13:49

She sounds horrible. I would personally go nc with her, both you and your sister and continue to look out for each other in the way you do. Neither of you need that toxicity in your lives. How could she treat her child like that, I look at my daughter and feel nothing but overwhelming love and a fierce protectiveness.

TaraR2020 · 09/09/2021 14:39

Are you in a position to pay for counselling for your sister?

Having someone to talk to and offload to might be what she needs and a professional may help her to see things more clearly and find the strength to take action.

AuntMasha · 09/09/2021 14:53

OP, Doctor Ramani has a YouTube channel which is very helpful for those who have been/are subjected to abusive behaviours from this kind of personality.

QueenBee52 · 09/09/2021 15:52

OMG what have I just read 😔

this is appalling ...

Take your Sister to a Police Station to give a statement and have you 'Mother' Charged with child abuse..

Somuddled · 09/09/2021 16:30

Hello OP. This is horrible for both of you. My friend is in a similar position. She is the middle sister and her mother hates her. She recently found out that her dad cheated on her mum when pregnant with her so mum blames middle child for the adultery and associates her with that awful time. It isna despicable way to behave. All I can suggest is be there for your sister and have little to do with your mother and tell her the reason.

MargotEmin · 09/09/2021 16:35

Honestly your sister sounds very vulnerable and is being abused and financially exploited by your mother, I would make a safeguarding referral about your sister to Adult Services

AnnaDyne · 09/09/2021 16:37

It sounds as though your mum does have narcissistic personality disorder or similar. My mum used to do similar with me and my siblings.

Your poor sister, she really needs help breaking free and trying to heal from this. How old is she? it took me until my 40s to get out of the FOG.

BlackAlys · 10/09/2021 06:15

@Simplicity1011

I’ve asked her if she would want to move in with me and she keeps saying no 😞
Keep asking.

Keep showing her that you'll help her and love her. Keep showing her what a good life she can have.

She has been horribly abused by your mother and is unable to walk away by herself. Roughly what age is she?

Choccy01 · 10/09/2021 06:59

Hi OP

I wanted to comment as I read your initial post and can see parallels with my ex wife and our eldest son. We had 4 kids together. There's no golden child but her behaviour towards my eldest at times has been terrible and he's only 13. Thankfully he's very resilient and understands (I think) it's not him.

I think some of it is a toxic / borderline personality disorder (maybe narcissistic but I'm not sure).

It was like the things she didn't like in me or stuff from her childhood has been projected onto him. Some of the things you mention around your Mom blaming your sister for her relationship with your Dad is the kind of things she said in the past.

She's also turned on him at times which to me seems incredible given he's a child. As he chose to live with me for a few months last year when things were bad at home.

Your sister probably needs counselling and I would say to reduce contact. It's not a nice thing to say but my understanding is that it's very unlikely your Mom will change.