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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum hates and is jealous of my sister

104 replies

Simplicity1011 · 09/09/2021 12:02

Ever since we was little my mum has never liked my sister, from things like locking her in cupboards and dark rooms to make her stop crying, from cutting her hair to teach her a lesson to stop trimming her hair, to not letting her go on school trips to her end of year school play, to making us hide from her in the park so my sister thought we had all left her..
To things like saying she shows off when she walks and acts up for my dad.. to not letting her put her drink in the fridge to things like saying she shows off when she buys herself ice cream so my sister stoped buying things like that. Basically every little thing my sister done my mum had a problem with it.. right till this day..
She has told my sis she’s the reason her and my dads marriage is broken.. the list goes on..
She also said she feels nothing for my sis
I just want to know what is wrong with my mum and why she is like this ..

OP posts:
sadie9 · 10/09/2021 19:44

Is there any way you could get her to come away with you for a while. There's nothing like distance to make a person see a situation for what it is.
Could she move in with you for a while? You could ask her to do it for a trial for 3 weeks or something.

Your mother and sister have a co-dependent relationship.

There's a good article on it here:
www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency

BlackAlys · 10/09/2021 19:49

[quote sadie9]Is there any way you could get her to come away with you for a while. There's nothing like distance to make a person see a situation for what it is.
Could she move in with you for a while? You could ask her to do it for a trial for 3 weeks or something.

Your mother and sister have a co-dependent relationship.

There's a good article on it here:
www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency[/quote]
Agree with this ⬆️⬆️⬆️

endlesscraziness · 10/09/2021 19:49

My mother is the same to me. I've learned to block it out. I'll never forgive her for refusing to help me when I had my daughter and I couldn't walk and my husband was away.

She's always spiteful towards me, never happy for me or any of my achievements, in fact scorns anything I do and goes out of her way to put me down. She'll never change but has mellowed slightly around my daughter. My husband and I keep tally of insults everytime I see her

winterchills · 10/09/2021 19:50

Absolutely heartbreaking I read a book recently with a similar situation. How can a parent not love their own child

RandomMess · 10/09/2021 19:56

Could you try ask your sister to stay overnight for "fun nights in" increase the frequency and see if you can eventually build it up to her moving in.

Seesawmummadaw · 10/09/2021 20:18

Get her on mumsnet. She’ll get a lot more love and care from this ‘nest of vipers’ than she has ever had from your ‘mother’. It might also show her that the relationship isn’t normal and that she doesn’t have to live like this.

Well done op for trying to look out for her.

AuntMasha · 10/09/2021 20:22

OP, respect to you for being there for your sister. 💐 She sounds so worn down by your mother it’s almost as if she no longer has a will of her own.

FuckingFabulous · 10/09/2021 20:26

Your poor sister. Your mum is a bitch and from the outside I don't know how you can bear to even be in the same room as a child abuser, but I understand the complexity of emotion when the abuser is a parent. Your poor, poor sister. I just want to step back in time and find her sad, confused and frightened little self and give her an upbringing full of love and support.

What was your mum like with you?

Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/09/2021 20:32

Concentrate all your focus on your sister and both break completely free from your abusive mother.

Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 10/09/2021 20:40

Guys I wish we could go no contact with her but we have little siblings and if we cut her off we will never be able to see any of them

OP posts:
something2say · 10/09/2021 20:43

I'm horrified by this thread. I work in the field.

I want the op to know that everyone is right, this has been a child abuse case and is now an adult abuse case.

Right now, the sisters are out there coping alone. I want them to consider coming into the services. Every borough has places, centres, that people can give to and sit with support workers.

The two young ladies in this thread need to know they have been harmed and are still being harmed. There is help anytime you need it.

And the suggestion of getting the sister on mumsnet is a fantastic idea.

I am horrified and gutted for these beautiful girls xxx

barskits · 10/09/2021 20:58

@Simplicity1011

Guys I wish we could go no contact with her but we have little siblings and if we cut her off we will never be able to see any of them
Are they being abused by her too?
Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 10/09/2021 21:00

@barskits no, it’s just my sister

OP posts:
Runforthehillocks · 10/09/2021 21:08

Hideously I recognise some of this dynamic in my own family. Also the not wanting to go NC because I had younger siblings who I lived dearly and it would have felt like abandoning them.

Needless to say my self-esteem has always been rock bottom.

Your sister definitely needs some help or your mother will ruin her life. There are some great suggestions on this thread - please keep your courage up and pursue them.

Thehouseofmarvels · 10/09/2021 21:33

Please find any and every reason to get her away from that house. If she has no money for holidays would she want or be capable of doing pet sitting ? There are websites and facebook pages you csn use to find pet sitting. Or could you ask your friends to let her look after tgeor animals when they go away ? Have her to stay over lots too.

Thehouseofmarvels · 10/09/2021 22:53

The stately homes section of Mumsnet is for people in dysfunctional families. You could try posting there or encouraging your sister to do so.

Windmillwhirl · 11/09/2021 06:03

As said, your mother is abusive and cruel. By singling out only one child she can pretend the issue isn't her, when it clearly is.

In an ideal world,we would all have loving, kind and supportive parents. Sadly that is quite often not the case.

Your mother's treatment has undoubtedly affected your sister and the way she views herself and her life. I would recommend therapy so she can talk openly about what has happened to her. Her self esteem mist be in pieces. I'm glad she has you x

PeriWrinkles · 11/09/2021 06:53

[quote Simplicity1011]@FlumpsAreShit it’s Absolutely horrible and I haven’t even mentioned half of the stuff my mum has done to her when we were younger. Pure evil. It’s the stuff you see on those documentaries 😞[/quote]
Then report the abuser to the police. This is abuse of a vulnerable adult. The mother is extorting money she has no right to.

Coercive control doesn't just happen in husband-wife relationships.

Please report it OP. Your sister may be angry or lash out at you due to fear, but these people have to be stopped, if your sister is to have any chance of recovering from this.

faithfulbird20 · 11/09/2021 06:57

It's all about control. Why don't u sit down and have a chat. Tell her she's been an abusive unfit mother and if this carries on you'll have to break ties with her.

Cosmos123 · 11/09/2021 06:57

This post makes me feel so incredibly sad.

barskits · 11/09/2021 09:49

[quote Simplicity1011]@barskits no, it’s just my sister[/quote]
So where are the younger ones when they hear her abusing your sister? They are going to know it's happening, aren't they?

JuneOsborne · 11/09/2021 09:54

Your poor, poor sister.

She will be damaged forever. It's such a shame she won't listen to you.

She needs to get out of the house, go no contact with your mother, get counselling and start to rebuild her life. But how you get her there? I have no idea if she's resistant to help.

Just keep plugging away at the idea that she can choose freedom and you will help her with it.

Loudestcat14 · 11/09/2021 11:50

Have you ever tried to call your mum out on her shitty behaviour and ask her why she abuses your sister? Not because it's your responsibility to, I'm just wondering what her reaction would be when confronted by what she does.

Can you talk to your dad about it too?

Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 11/09/2021 12:38

@Loudestcat14 I want too but I know it will make things worse for my sis and she asked me not too. I want her to move out & cut all contact before I tell my mum how she treated her and made everyone feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Simplicity1011 · 11/09/2021 12:40

An update on what happened last night is my mum was on the phone to my sis.. called her 4 times and told her our dad is cutting all contact with her.. she called her a hypocrite and loads more.. I asked my sis how it made her feel and she said it is what it is.. I feel so helpless in the matter as I know she has to make the first move first to wanting to help herself

OP posts: