CMS - Am I being greedy

[essieestherson]

I have been split from my ex for over 3 years, we have 3 dc who live with me and stay at his (at most) 1 night a week.

When we were together he was very abusive and slept with prostitutes, hence why we're divorced..

He has never paid the full amount of CMS due, always saying he can't afford it and then turning up in a new car, expensive new watch etc.. Every year I get an annual review from the CMS and I ask him to pay more, then he will bully and threaten me with going to the courts for 50-50 custody, or say he'll quit his job etc. So I always settle with whatever figure he suggests as I can't handle the stress of it all.

I have just had this years annual review which states that he has had another pay rise (now earning £85,000pa) and should now be paying me over £1200 a month, he currently pays £580. He has offered to up it to £680 but says anymore will bankrupt him. He has sent many abusive messages and refuses to talk anymore about it.

Yet he turned up to pick the kids up last week in a brand new Tesla...

My parents think I should just accept the £680 he is offering to stop all the nasty texts and threats etc.

Im just not sure what to do.. I work 3 days a week, but don't earn much and every month I am short of money. The kids have many clubs etc they would love to join but can't because I don't have enough money.

I know that £680 is a lot of money and way more then many get from CMS.. so I'm not sure if I should just let him get away with paying less, or fight further and ask for CMS to take the money straight out of his pay?

Another side note is that he is very unpredictable which worries me.. if I try and take the money straight out of his account he will probably do something drastic, quit his job etc - so we will struggle further.

I am just not sure what to do.

@biggerthehoops that's exactly what it is, the guilt tripping. He has worked hard since we split to get the kids into a place where they feel very sorry for him and they will believe anything he says.

you need to stop engaging with this man, he has managed to get exactly what he wants by playing you like a fiddle. you have been ground down so much you didnt even challenge what you and your DC have been left with following divorce, he doesnt even pay half of what he should for the CMS. Stop engaging with him, sort out proper contact arrangements for your DC and go to CMS. My dad had adhoc contact with us, it is really stressful for DC not knowing when they might see their dad, it all being made to feel like a treat as dad has shown an interest. protect your DC from this shit and get the money they are entitled to

Stop asking him to come up with a reasonable figure. That’s already been calculated based on his annual review.

He either pays it or you go to collect and pay. And they will add on an extra 20% for him. You will lose 4% but that’s nothing in comparison to what he’s been paying versus what is due.

If he ends up going for 50|50 then so be it. However he won’t.

The maintenance and the contact arrangements are two separate issues.

What is he saying?

@Marni83
Lots like this...

Op

It’s far far too emotional and involved.

You need to approach this professionally

You didn’t before and you and your children lost out. Big time.

Don’t make the same mistake

Well stop texting him about it at all - he's just an arse to you

And just go to the CMS

You’re being too nice, your message to him is all kind and considerate to his feelings. I know it’s hard but try and gather together your fighting feeling and take any emotion out of any message to him. To the point, polite but very firm

You aren't bankrupting him, not even close.

I agree that you are way too emotionally invested. He just doesn't want to reduce his disposable income for HIMSELF.

Your kids deserve that money. Get it for them.

He's threatening you ... so let him pay to take you to Court.. let him change his work schedule to accommodate 50/50... let him quit his job.. that's all on him..

BUT until then...

Stop engaging with him ... and put in for CMS..

[quote essieestherson]@Marni83
Lots like this... [/quote]
Keep that one. A weekend long anxiety attack is not an environment for kids to be in.

Ignore his text messages, you've offered mediation and he's declined, he also hasn't asked a question on his messages, so ignore. They are all designed to try and bully and intimidate you.

If he mentions 50/50 call his bluff, tell him that the current arrangements work for the dc and if he'd like to change it then feel free to take it via the courts.

He is a complete bully. If his bipolar is that bad he won't be getting the DC 50% will he - he wouldn't cope!

This is about the money, he will say anything to not have to pay out.

He's never been diagnosed with bipolar, he just says he has it occasionally in situations like this..

🤣

He is so full of shit, he won't go for 50:50 he just uses it as a threat.

Stop engaging with him, just claim via CMS.

Well if he has attacks of bio polar at the thought of providing for his children, he’ll be comatose at having them 50:50.

Go to CMS. He needs time and spend a lot of money to take it to court as well.

And do the freedom programme. He has no power over you.

Make sure you don’t big him up to the children either, if they ask explain to them in appropriate terms that he’s fine.

You need to find your anger and hold on to it. He’s already shafted you and the children have suffered. Don’t let him do it again.

Hope you're ok OP!

I'm going through a spookily similar situation right now with lower figures. I phoned CMS today so the letter will be out this week and I feel sick at his reaction.

We've been separated 6+ years and the CMS payments haven't been reviewed once and i suspect he's had a significant wage rise (or 3) in that time.

My biggest worry is him going for 50/50 to punish me and avoid paying the higher amount. However, we've had a stable routine for 6 years that I believe works for DS (it's close to a 70/30 split) and already have a court order in place. I've heard (and am really hoping) that with an existing court order that's established and working, it's unlikely he'd get more contact (which funnily enough hasn't been brought up til now either!)!

@essieestherson

He's never been diagnosed with bipolar, he just says he has it occasionally in situations like this..

Oh for heavens sake! As if it works like that 🙄

Just be completely emotionless and factual ongoing. Let him dig his own hole

Of course you're not. The twat (who earns twice as much as my dh and we live very comfortably) should pay for his children.

OP you are being far too kind engaging in those texts with this man. Just apply to CMS for direct payments and be done with it. Your DC deserve that money, it's to support their monthly costs.

Lol that’s not how bipolar works.

@essieestherson phone CMS options line today and get the ball rolling on opening the case, tell them about the emotional abuse and they’ll wave the £20 fee.

My ex routinely threatens me with 50/50 and taking me to court whenever we discuss money. It’s just a ploy to control/scare you and get you to back down. He’s lying don’t be fooled by him.

Just ignore him completely and go through CMS, he has no say here he absolutely has to pay the correct legal amount. And don’t worry about him quitting his job or going bankrupt, he won’t that’s just another ploy to keep you in line.

You are definitely not being greedy. This is his children's right. Nothing to do with you, so don't feel bad fighting for them.

Sorry, when I say "nothing to do with you" I mean it in the sense that you can't possibly be called greedy when it's your children who have the right to have this money (if that makes sense!).

Has OP applied for CMS on behalf of her kids yet ?