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Original poster

CMS - Am I being greedy

189 replies

essieestherson · 02/09/2021 18:16

I have been split from my ex for over 3 years, we have 3 dc who live with me and stay at his (at most) 1 night a week.

When we were together he was very abusive and slept with prostitutes, hence why we're divorced..

He has never paid the full amount of CMS due, always saying he can't afford it and then turning up in a new car, expensive new watch etc.. Every year I get an annual review from the CMS and I ask him to pay more, then he will bully and threaten me with going to the courts for 50-50 custody, or say he'll quit his job etc. So I always settle with whatever figure he suggests as I can't handle the stress of it all.

I have just had this years annual review which states that he has had another pay rise (now earning £85,000pa) and should now be paying me over £1200 a month, he currently pays £580. He has offered to up it to £680 but says anymore will bankrupt him. He has sent many abusive messages and refuses to talk anymore about it.

Yet he turned up to pick the kids up last week in a brand new Tesla...

My parents think I should just accept the £680 he is offering to stop all the nasty texts and threats etc.

Im just not sure what to do.. I work 3 days a week, but don't earn much and every month I am short of money. The kids have many clubs etc they would love to join but can't because I don't have enough money.

I know that £680 is a lot of money and way more then many get from CMS.. so I'm not sure if I should just let him get away with paying less, or fight further and ask for CMS to take the money straight out of his pay?

Another side note is that he is very unpredictable which worries me.. if I try and take the money straight out of his account he will probably do something drastic, quit his job etc - so we will struggle further.

I am just not sure what to do.

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 03/09/2021 13:32

I would view this as getting what your DC are owed m. The money is pay for their upkeep after all.

What a vile excuse for a man that freely buys himself expensive toys but can't be arsed to pay adequately for his own DC!

Go through CMS and get what you are due garnished from his salary. He won't like that, it will be embarrassing for HR to know he has to have money taken at source, vey obvious that he can't be trusted to pay his way for his DC.

Are CMS aware that he is underpaying you? Does he therefore have huge amounts of arrears that you are owed?

Kithic · 03/09/2021 13:33

Every year I get an annual review from the CMS and I ask him to pay more, then he will bully and threaten me with going to the courts for 50-50 custody, or say he'll quit his job etc.

go on then, see how much you like earning nothing eh?

forgottonworkloaddays · 03/09/2021 13:34

"1, he is doing it purely so she will shut the fuck up about him paying the bare minimum for his children
2, why would you want those children around an abusive man who aggressively shorts his own children for three years
3, he barely has them one night a week what makes you think he is interested in a strong relationship with his own children he certainly hasn't so far"

*1) Only agreeing to 50-50 would the OP find this out

  1. OP is happy for the children to stay at his house 1 night a week so there can't be any concerns of abuse towards the children

  2. Again, same as point one. Plus he has said he wants 50-50 custody, maybe he feels cheated out of that so why should he pay the money his ex wants him to pay when perhaps he honestly does just want equal custody. Only the OP is in the position to agree to 50-50 custody without going the rough the courts and see if he loves up to his word. If he doesn't he doesn't and OP can hold her head high and say she did everything she possible could and gave him the same opportunity that she had*

cultkid · 03/09/2021 13:35

He would have to quit his job to look after them
Or pay more for childcare for three kids

He's already a cunt so just take him to court and get what he owes

He sounds fairly flash so won't enjoy not having the glam bits, he will continue to work

He's a bully

thenewduchessofhastings · 03/09/2021 13:37

essieestherson you may not be together anymore but he's still abusing you via financial&emotional abuse via the kids because that's the only way he can still get to you.

He won't quit his job;that expensive car is most likely on finance and he won't make his monthly payments on job seekers allowance,no one is going to quit a £85K a year job to go onto state benefits.

Secondly I don't think he'll go for 50/50 custody after only having the kids 1 night a week;if he wanted more time with them he'd offer to have them more often.The courts aren't stupid and will recognise he wants the kids for the wrong reason.

Ve brave;go via CMS;do it for your children;that's the money owed to them to raise them and their dad is selfishly frittering it away on expensive shit for himself.

Theunamedcat · 03/09/2021 13:46

He only wants 50/50 when she asks him to pay his fair share the rest of the year he is fine about having them one night a week

Financial abuse is still abuse coercion is abuse so saying he isnt abusing them is absolutely wrong

forgottonworkloaddays · 03/09/2021 14:02

@Theunamedcat

He only wants 50/50 when she asks him to pay his fair share the rest of the year he is fine about having them one night a week

Financial abuse is still abuse coercion is abuse so saying he isnt abusing them is absolutely wrong

He only wants 50/50 when she asks him to pay his fair share the rest of the year he is fine about having them one night a week

Why wouldn't OP agree to 50-50 on the first time of asking? A father shouldn't have to ask more than once

Financial abuse is still abuse coercion is abuse so saying he isnt abusing them is absolutely wrong
*
However if this is the case ABUSE IS NEVER OK and the OP feels her and her children are being abused DESPITE her honestly offering the ex every opportunity to have the children 50-50 then the children in question shouldn't be seeing the father at all even for 1 night a week.

it's not ok to abuse anyone in any situation for any reason but it's also not ok to claim a father is abusive so he can't have 50-50 custody but he can have the children 1 night a week, that doesn't make sense*

Theunamedcat · 03/09/2021 14:35

Because not paying your fair amount of child support in law does not mean you don't see your children despite it being financially abusive

LaurieFairyCake · 03/09/2021 14:46

Go through the CMS and have it deducted from his wages

Refuse to talk to him about it - block all means of communication, call the police if he turns up

If there is no contact agreement in place you can guarantee he will take them and not return them when you do the above - so pre empt that by telling him he needs to go through the court process to agree contact

And then block, block, block

Naunet · 03/09/2021 15:09

@forgottonworkloaddays

"1, he is doing it purely so she will shut the fuck up about him paying the bare minimum for his children 2, why would you want those children around an abusive man who aggressively shorts his own children for three years 3, he barely has them one night a week what makes you think he is interested in a strong relationship with his own children he certainly hasn't so far"

*1) Only agreeing to 50-50 would the OP find this out

  1. OP is happy for the children to stay at his house 1 night a week so there can't be any concerns of abuse towards the children

  2. Again, same as point one. Plus he has said he wants 50-50 custody, maybe he feels cheated out of that so why should he pay the money his ex wants him to pay when perhaps he honestly does just want equal custody. Only the OP is in the position to agree to 50-50 custody without going the rough the courts and see if he loves up to his word. If he doesn't he doesn't and OP can hold her head high and say she did everything she possible could and gave him the same opportunity that she had*

Yeah because men who only start shouting about 50/50 when an increase in child maintenance is discussed, genuinely just want to see their kids more out of pure love, don’t they? 🙄 If that’s what he wanted, he would be fighting to see them more already.
Naunet · 03/09/2021 15:13

Why wouldn't OP agree to 50-50 on the first time of asking? A father shouldn't have to ask more than once

And children shouldn’t have to ask at all for their fathers to actually financially support them to the full extent of the law.

IM0GEN · 03/09/2021 15:20

It’s not about the fathers sudden desire for 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance. It’s not about his rights. It’s about what is best for the children , and that’s stability.

Children are not a matrimonial asset to be divided equally . They are real sentient human beings who need consistency and stability.

Has the father been doing 50% of the childcare for the last 3 years? No he has not. He has been doing less than one night a week.

Perhaps he did 50% of the childcare before they separated? Maybe he took a years paternity leave for each child?

He’s probably earning that £85k a year working only 2.5 days a week since he became a father Hmm Hmm . Oh no, wait…..l

forgottonworkloaddays · 03/09/2021 15:24

@Naunet

Why wouldn't OP agree to 50-50 on the first time of asking? A father shouldn't have to ask more than once

And children shouldn’t have to ask at all for their fathers to actually financially support them to the full extent of the law.

Financial matters wouldn't even be discussed if the arrangement was 50-50. OP said herself that's what he wants but didn't say if she has actually given that a go.
frazzledasarock · 03/09/2021 16:10

A surprisingly large number of uninterested abusive ex’s suddenly demand 50:50 when CMS contact them.

OP stated her ex was abusive.

Why on earth would she agreed to shared care with an abusive man?

forgottonworkloaddays · 03/09/2021 16:14

If father is abusive there needs to only be contact through a contact centre surely that goes without saying

frazzledasarock · 03/09/2021 16:16

No.

Ex was abusive, court ruled no direct contact as any direct contact was harmful to the DC.

So that does need saying clearly.

BreasticlesNotTesticles · 03/09/2021 16:20

So he has over £4K a month net to spend on himself and you get about an eighth.

Go for the £1200.

forgottonworkloaddays · 03/09/2021 16:29

@frazzledasarock

No.

Ex was abusive, court ruled no direct contact as any direct contact was harmful to the DC.

So that does need saying clearly.

How awful for you I hope you are ok.

Back to the OPs situation her kids are spending a night a week at this time with her ex so if he is being abusive then is that the best approach ?

PaddleBlue · 03/09/2021 16:37

What a shit dad, of course he should pay full amount, that’s not you being greedy it’s for their well-being!

Serendipity79 · 03/09/2021 16:51

Absolutely claim via CMS. My ex threatened all sorts, never did it! A court wont give him 50/50 just because he wants it especially if its to reduce CM.

If he doesn't happily pay they'll deduct it from his wages. Its money your kids would get the benefit of if you lived together, why shouldn't they just because you're apart? People like this rely on us being scared. Dont' be scared, take control back.

Original poster
essieestherson · 03/09/2021 17:16

Sorry for lack of response.

He works in insurance, not sure how easy it would be to go self employed?

There is no chance he is asking to have the kids 50/50 out of a desire to see them more and build a better relationship. It is purely a tactic to try and scare me into backing down. It happens every year when I ask about this, and as soon as I back down it isn't mentioned again.

He is emotionally abusive, and was to my eldest while we were still together.
If I could stop him from seeing the kids altogether I would. Most weeks my eldest and youngest don't end up going to his as they say they don't want to.

At the moment we have left it with him still saying he will go for 50/50 custody.. I'm not sure what his plan is from here, the kids are going to his tonight and I'm worried he is going to tell them that he will now be having them half of the time.

It's just so stressful and I don't want them dragged into this in any way.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 03/09/2021 17:20

Were you married?

All this sorted in my financial consent order

Original poster
essieestherson · 03/09/2021 17:23

Yeah we were married. I was an absolute idiot when we divorced. He ended up forcing me to sell our family home, he got 60% of the equity. I didn't take it to court. So many regrets. All because I couldn't handle the stress of having to deal with him Sad

This is partly why I really just want to stand up to him now! But I can already feel myself giving in...

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 03/09/2021 17:26

Please keep a log of everything OP.. everything. The saying no to more money but then he has this car, this watch. All his texts/emails.
How old are your kids?

Marni83 · 03/09/2021 17:29

Oh goodness op
Did you not use a solicitor?
So you left 40% of equity and nothing else?

Op - you were a walk over three years ago and suffering now

Don’t be a walkover now.

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