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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

CMS - Am I being greedy

189 replies

essieestherson · 02/09/2021 18:16

I have been split from my ex for over 3 years, we have 3 dc who live with me and stay at his (at most) 1 night a week.

When we were together he was very abusive and slept with prostitutes, hence why we're divorced..

He has never paid the full amount of CMS due, always saying he can't afford it and then turning up in a new car, expensive new watch etc.. Every year I get an annual review from the CMS and I ask him to pay more, then he will bully and threaten me with going to the courts for 50-50 custody, or say he'll quit his job etc. So I always settle with whatever figure he suggests as I can't handle the stress of it all.

I have just had this years annual review which states that he has had another pay rise (now earning £85,000pa) and should now be paying me over £1200 a month, he currently pays £580. He has offered to up it to £680 but says anymore will bankrupt him. He has sent many abusive messages and refuses to talk anymore about it.

Yet he turned up to pick the kids up last week in a brand new Tesla...

My parents think I should just accept the £680 he is offering to stop all the nasty texts and threats etc.

Im just not sure what to do.. I work 3 days a week, but don't earn much and every month I am short of money. The kids have many clubs etc they would love to join but can't because I don't have enough money.

I know that £680 is a lot of money and way more then many get from CMS.. so I'm not sure if I should just let him get away with paying less, or fight further and ask for CMS to take the money straight out of his pay?

Another side note is that he is very unpredictable which worries me.. if I try and take the money straight out of his account he will probably do something drastic, quit his job etc - so we will struggle further.

I am just not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 02/09/2021 23:12

@essieestherson

I have been split from my ex for over 3 years, we have 3 dc who live with me and stay at his (at most) 1 night a week.

When we were together he was very abusive and slept with prostitutes, hence why we're divorced..

He has never paid the full amount of CMS due, always saying he can't afford it and then turning up in a new car, expensive new watch etc.. Every year I get an annual review from the CMS and I ask him to pay more, then he will bully and threaten me with going to the courts for 50-50 custody, or say he'll quit his job etc. So I always settle with whatever figure he suggests as I can't handle the stress of it all.

I have just had this years annual review which states that he has had another pay rise (now earning £85,000pa) and should now be paying me over £1200 a month, he currently pays £580. He has offered to up it to £680 but says anymore will bankrupt him. He has sent many abusive messages and refuses to talk anymore about it.

Yet he turned up to pick the kids up last week in a brand new Tesla...

My parents think I should just accept the £680 he is offering to stop all the nasty texts and threats etc.

Im just not sure what to do.. I work 3 days a week, but don't earn much and every month I am short of money. The kids have many clubs etc they would love to join but can't because I don't have enough money.

I know that £680 is a lot of money and way more then many get from CMS.. so I'm not sure if I should just let him get away with paying less, or fight further and ask for CMS to take the money straight out of his pay?

Another side note is that he is very unpredictable which worries me.. if I try and take the money straight out of his account he will probably do something drastic, quit his job etc - so we will struggle further.

I am just not sure what to do.

He was willing to be part of the creation of your children, therefore if he can have a telsa, unless it's a company car, then otherwise point being go for all you can get, and call his bluff, document all the reverent information that will help you build a case.
altmember · 02/09/2021 23:28

@Slayduggee

£85k is 4.8k (after tax) per month. Even if he paid £1.2k month maintainable he would still have £3.6k to support himself per month. Whereas £680 is mean to support 3 kids. He may scream and stomp his feet that he will quit his job but he won’t as he wouldn’t be able to find his lifestyle on benefits!
I worked it out (roughly) to be about 4k a month net. Still should be enough for him to live comfortably on.

If the kids need more than he's currently paying then ask him for it, pointing out that if you go through CMS he'll have to pay the full 1200.

Are you claiming tax credits/UC? Don't think they take child maintenance into account when calculating those? Did the court not set levels of child maintenance as part of the financial settlement? Thought that was fairly normal, especially for high earners.

mememe008 · 02/09/2021 23:39

He can't just not pay what CMS calculate unless he can claim deductions (e.g. if he pays into a private pension) which are down to him to prove. If he doesn't pay what CMS have told him to, you can get them to take it directly from his salary, and he'll pay a 20% premium on top for the pleasure. You lose 4% I think. Technically, as he's not paid you the full amount for however long, you can most likely also claim those underpayments.

If he is abusive, tell him that you will only communicate via email so you have a record of all conversations and can access communication without being caught off guard. As long as he can contact you with regards to he children, it doesn't matter how that happens.

CiaoForNiao · 02/09/2021 23:49

Absolutely go to the cms!!!

User85858686 · 03/09/2021 03:20

Collect and pay CMS 100% tomorrow

IM0GEN · 03/09/2021 09:50

You can’t claim for past under payments, only from when you first make the CMS claim. So yes it’s important that the Op does this ASAP .

Rainbowqueeen · 03/09/2021 09:52

He is the greedy one not you
Cms al the way

WhatsTheBFD · 03/09/2021 09:54

Get it taken from his salary, what an arsehole. No you’re not being greedy, you’re getting what your children are legally entitled to.

mememe008 · 03/09/2021 10:08

I made an assumption that OP had gone to CMS already, but others are right - you can only claim from the date you go to them as anything before this is classed as a private arrangement.

I've had this the other way - my DH made an offer over and above the calculator but greedy ex said he was lying and went to CMS. She got a shock when he had to pay quite a lot less, and she had to pay him more than she claimed the calculator said (he has custody of one DC and she the other). Grin

Throwntothewolves · 03/09/2021 10:11

You're not being greedy so claim it. But be prepared for the inevitable fall out.
Just because you're right, and should claim, and everyone on here is telling you he needs to reduce his outgoings and pay up, doesn't mean he will actually do so willingly. He may well cut his hours or even quit work if he can afford to. Your ex will fight it, so you need to be prepared for that.

I'd speak to him calmly about it if you can, then when he refuses just go quietly through CMS, do the collect and pay thing if you think he wont pay, and take it from there. No need to make a fuss about it.

Naunet · 03/09/2021 10:38

God I’m so sick of men like this. Does he not care at all about how this will make his kids feel when they grow up? My dad was the same, forever moaning about the £80 a month he paid my mum for the three kids he had with her, whilst driving around in his new flashy cars.

Go through CMS, get the kids what they’re owed, and report this deadbeat to the police any time he threatens you.

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 11:22

Just go through CMS. It's easier all round.

He will not quit his job.

southeastlady · 03/09/2021 11:44

I doubt he would quit an 85k a year job to claim 75 quid a week JSA.

What line of work is he in? Is there the chance he could suddenly go self employed and try and hide what he earns?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2021 11:45

Get the money taken out directly. It shows you mean business which you have to demonstrate.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 11:46

Just go through CMS.

Roblox01 · 03/09/2021 11:54

@essieestherson

He is very unpredictable as he can make very dramatic gestures if things aren't going his way. I cant see him quitting his job though.

No new partners, both still single.

I am going to wait and see if he actually replies to this mornings text. If not I am going to go to CMS tomorrow!

Sounds sensible. He should get the chance to do direct pay which is the better option.

Don't go collect and pay if possible as that would lead to a 20% admin fee on top for him and from an amicable point of view is not a good idea.

On his salary its a lifestyle choice unless he is still covering a lot of costs for you like mortgage etc. From what you're saying he pays nothing other than child maintenance?

Crikeyalmighty · 03/09/2021 12:07

If you really don’t want the hassle I would probably tell him£850 and not a penny less or you will go via CMS for payment via his salary and full amount due which is £1200 -

MarthaJonesPhone · 03/09/2021 12:19

Personally I would try and negotiate the amount up.

I was in a similar position to you, similar figures. He went self employed. CMS worked out he only needed to pay me £30 per month.

Obviously I chose to accept what my ex offered. Whilst a decent amount, it was about half of what he should of been paying.

Is he in a profession that lends itself to contracting? If he is, be prepared that's what may well happen.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 03/09/2021 12:49

Child support is money for your children, to support them, it's a minimum legal obligation. There is nothing greedy in ensuring your DC father pays what he's legally required to pay to support his DC.

SarahBellam · 03/09/2021 12:56

If you don't take what you're legally entitled to you are taking money stay from your children and giving it to him on a plate. Would you give him £500 for free? Because that is literally what you are doing. £85k will give him a take home pay of around £4.5k a month. He can easily afford £1200.

forgottonworkloaddays · 03/09/2021 13:11

"Then he will bully and threaten me with going to the courts for 50-50 custody"

The three points below are looking at this situation from his side.

1) In what universe is a father who wants 50-50 custody bullying or threatening anyone?

2) Why would you not agree to 50-50 custody unless your eyes were on the money?

3) Why would you not get a full time job and allow your children to have 50-50 custody with your ex and encourage building a strong relationship with their father not just their mother ?

Theunamedcat · 03/09/2021 13:19

@forgottonworkloaddays

"Then he will bully and threaten me with going to the courts for 50-50 custody"

The three points below are looking at this situation from his side.

1) In what universe is a father who wants 50-50 custody bullying or threatening anyone?

2) Why would you not agree to 50-50 custody unless your eyes were on the money?

3) Why would you not get a full time job and allow your children to have 50-50 custody with your ex and encourage building a strong relationship with their father not just their mother ?

1, he is doing it purely so she will shut the fuck up about him paying the bare minimum for his children 2, why would you want those children around an abusive man who aggressively shorts his own children for three years 3, he barely has them one night a week what makes you think he is interested in a strong relationship with his own children he certainly hasn't so far
WhatsTheTimeMrCat · 03/09/2021 13:25

It’s good to be objective and I’m not an expert on this so possibly not best placed to answer but:

  • some fathers don’t want 50-50 custody - they just want the fun of dragging their ex through the courts and reducing or removing their maintenance requirement.
  • depending on the father, is 50-50 custody right for the children? This is surely the most important consideration. Will they feel they have two homes or that they’re shunted between the two of them without consideration for their needs?Is the father reliable, consistent, loving, no physical/emotional abuse, etc? Is he able to care for the children on his time or does he need extra childcare? If so, is this in the children’s interests?
  • as for getting a full time job - if the other parent is reliable around taking their fair share of pickups and drop offs and sourcing appropriate childcare, fine. If they chop and change arrangements at short or no notice, refuse to have the children at short notice on their days, are fickle about things like taking kids to activities, parties and on play dates - well, it might not be so easy.
Yummymummy2020 · 03/09/2021 13:27

I doubt he will quit his job and lose his apparently lovely lifestyle out of spite!!! I’d get it taken from his salary!

SleepingStandingUp · 03/09/2021 13:31

If he really going to give up an 85k job to live in benefits?

Does he buy them stuff? Split uniform costs? Take them away?