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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband calls me Whore and keeps calling me names when he wants

125 replies

Camiliaxo · 30/08/2021 04:02

I’m a 23 year old mom and am married with a 3 year old daughter and whenever my husband gets mad he calls me Whore and tells me how he wishes he was all the guys who fucked me before and keeps calling me bad names. Not sure what to do I speak to him a lot but it won’t stop and I know he loves me he’s under lots of pressure please help with some advice.

OP posts:
ColdCottage · 30/08/2021 04:06

Tell your friends and loved ones, talk to others. This is not normal or healthy. I'm guessing there is probably other bad behaviour you've been conditioned to not realise is not normal in a healthy relationship.

You deserve more.

Sakurami · 30/08/2021 04:20

This isn't love, it is abuse. You cannot continue a relationship with someone who talks to you like that. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it with someone who abuses you.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2021 04:29

You know he loves you?
He's under a lot of pressure?

No, the only person he hates more than you is himself.
But he hates you intensely.

You need to stop talking to him about this. When you find yourself explaining to someone that you don't want to he called a whore, and basically accused of having sex with multitudes of other men, you know you are dealing with someone who is completely irrational and will never change.

I suggest you start talking to someone you feel you can confide in about this. A friend, your mother, sister, colleague.

It is abuse, it is not going to stop, and you have a little daughter taking it all in.

The only thing you can change here is what you do in response, to protect yourself and your daughter.

Wallywobbles · 30/08/2021 04:48

Just remember that one day he will call your daughter a whore too.

BasiliskStare · 30/08/2021 04:50

Many married couples can occasionally have arguments when under pressure. & then they can speak and make up / resolve things. This is fairly normal. Calling your wife a whore is outside that. At 3 your daughter might not understand - she will at some point - do you want that ?

I agree with @mathanxiety - if you have a trusted friend / relative or if needs be a women's DV place near you - speak to them whichever it is - do that. This is not normal . It isn't. Don't get sucked into believing it is.

GoGadgetGo · 30/08/2021 04:55

Not acceptable. He needs to become an ex-husband.

You deserve better than this. I'm sure he wouldn't like someone calling his mum, sister, nan one, so why should it be okay for you to be called it. Name-calling is a no. No respect regardless of any excuse.,

Lessthanaballpark · 30/08/2021 05:02

Call him an incel in return.

CheekyHobson · 30/08/2021 05:14

An earlier poster hit it on the head. If you find yourself explaining basic human civility to someone who claims to 'love' you, it is absolutely certain that they do not actually understand what love is.

Don't waste your time coming up with justifications for or minimisations of his abusive behaviour. The reason he is calling you a whore is simple: he doesn't respect you or think that you deserve decent treatment. Every day that you stay with him and behave forgivingly, you are effectively telling him you agree with him.

Haywirecity · 30/08/2021 05:28

You're a 23 year old adult responsible for a 3 year old daughter. Is this the language and attitude you want her to hear when she's lying in bed at night. Daughters often end up marrying someone like their father. Would you like her to be spoken to like that by her husband? Everyone can feel under pressure but it's how they handle it that is important and your husband clearly can't. You're only young. Seriously consider whether this is a way of life you want for you and your daughter. I think you can do better and deserve better.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 30/08/2021 05:49

My advice is leave. Now.

My husband and I have been through infertility, IVF, multiple close family bereavements, international immigration, car crashes, addiction, legal issues, money problems and unemployment and various work related stresses. He has never called me a whore. He has never called me a bitch. He has never called me anything other than adorable person with the occasional mildly annoying habit.

BaringasMare · 30/08/2021 05:52

He doesn’t love you, this is straight up abuse. Men who love their wives do not behave this way. He’s awful.

Please talk to your friends and family. Seek out support for leaving him. You deserve so much better than this.

bigbaggyeyes · 30/08/2021 08:31

Talk to friends and family, you can phrase it like 'can I ask you a question? Does your dh/dp call you names?' And take it from there.

It would be a dealbreaker for me and a line that shouldn't ever be crossed

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2021 08:32

Don’t put up with this shit
Leave him

category12 · 30/08/2021 08:39

Funny kind of love that allows him to speak to you like dirt and treat you badly.

Don't be fooled into thinking because he says he loves you, you should accept being treated like crap.

Sometimes a person's "love" isn't worth shit.

layladomino · 30/08/2021 09:24

Please understand that this is not normal. I am decades older than you and have NEVER been called a whore by any bf / DH, nor any other derogatory term.

You are young, with most of your life in front of you. Please don't waste a moment longer on someone who so clearly doesn't respect you (I would even say despises you). (and if you doubt that, ask yourself would you ever call someone a whore? Someone you loved?)

You say you know he loves you - how does he show you his love? And how do you square that with the fact he thinks you're a whore? I'd like to bet this isn't the only way he abuses you.

This is the person who is meant to love you most in the world. I don't care how much pressure he's under. We all have stresses and pressures in our lives - we don't call people we love names. In fact I have more respect for complete strangers than your DH is showing you.

You deserve better. Your DC deserves better. No child should grow up in a home where their father abuses their mother. Be aware that children often copy their parents' behaviour and life choices. Would you be happy if she ended up being called a whore by her DH? What would you advise her to do if it happened?

You are young. You can have a happy life with someone who respect you, loves you, supports you, complements you. Such people are out there. Your DH is in a minority (thankfully) who feel threatened by women so feel the need to diminish them to 'put them them in their place'.

Please get out and make a better life for you and your DC. You will get all the support you need on here.

Lozzerbmc · 30/08/2021 09:29

This isnt normal and he sadly doesnt love you. If he did, he couldnt call you those names.

I hope you have some family who can help you leave with your child. This is a situation that will worsen over time and i’m sure you dont want that kind of childhood for your daughter.

LittleBiscuit09 · 30/08/2021 09:35

Two questions you need to ask yourself.

Is it acceptable for him to call you these names, and for your daughter to see and think this is normal? No. Then start to think about leaving.

AhNowTed · 30/08/2021 09:38

I've no advice but to leave but Jesus that is horrendous.

helentomelon · 30/08/2021 09:55

You know he loves you? How?

Mollymalone123 · 30/08/2021 09:59

He is abusive
You will be better making a new life without him.Please don’t put up with this.this is not what a normal relationship looks like and I’m sad to think that you think that’s what love looks like.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/08/2021 10:02

This is in no way normal.
No one gas ever said anything remotely close to this to me.

I am not sure he does love you. I think he loves abusing you.
If your deaighter was married to a man who treated her like this what eoild your advice be

Onthemaintrunkline · 30/08/2021 10:05

You want your daughter to grow up hearing his disgusting language and his total disrespect of you? And seeing this as normal. His treatment of and towards you is as far from love as it’s possible to be! You are young, leave and begin a better life for yourself and your daughter, you so deserve it.

Marineboy67 · 30/08/2021 10:05

As a man I can honestly that's vile bullying behaviour. This is not how it's supposed to be and has to stop totally unacceptable. He needs to understand if he does this again that's it. Either he leaves or you will.
He's clearly insecure about himself to bring up your sexual past, that's his problem not yours.
Perhaps another man needs to have a stern word with him, do you have brothers or have a word with his mother.

Opentooffers · 30/08/2021 10:06

You need better standards, the first time a man calls you names, should be the last, end of.