Husband calls me Whore and keeps calling me names when he wants

[Camiliaxo]

I’m a 23 year old mom and am married with a 3 year old daughter and whenever my husband gets mad he calls me Whore and tells me how he wishes he was all the guys who fucked me before and keeps calling me bad names. Not sure what to do I speak to him a lot but it won’t stop and I know he loves me he’s under lots of pressure please help with some advice.

*cultural issues

Your virginity or lack of should not have been being discussed in any way. That is your private business. Your body, your life, your business.

Was your h a virgin at marriage?
Or is it only women whose virginity is demanded/discussed?

Is this partly why he thinks he can call you disgusting names like whore?

This is very disturbing and angering to read just as an outsider.

OP, he is a horrible person.
Horrible.

Also, out of curiosity,have you actually ever heard his parents barmouth him (or you fir that matter?)? Or does he just tell you they do?

I mean, it's perfectly possible that they are horrible people too of course. But also a common tactic of abusers to try and create an 'us against the world's scenario to foster closeness. Only to then turn round and accuse you of creating the divide.

*nm, just saw you lived with them so you saw it.

I think you need to distance yourself from him and his whole family op. They are all toxic.

Break the cycle so that your child does not grow up the same. I'd be tempted to move away with your mum tbh.

I know right they just think they all perfect and he told them about my life after I opened up to him and I shouldn’t have I guess. I just don’t get it why does he tell me he loves me makes me feel so good then when there’s a fight quickly he changes and he’s been drinking a lot recently to get his mind off things apparently. But he says his parents fucked his life and that they are the reason he’s always mad

When I speak to my family they tell me it’s ok things will get better !

Things will not get better.

If I knew I abused my wife when drinking I would never touch a drip of alcohol again.

He uses the booze to excuse the abuse.
Dont be fooled.

He is a grown man and blaming his parents and you and everyone but himself for his bullshit. Its pathetic.

Speak with womens aid and start taking steps to get free op.

He will only get worse.
You have your whole life ahead you, dont waste it with this bully.

He calls you a whore and other things, he treats you like you are nothing.
You don’t want to leave him because you don’t want to upset her.
If you stay you are teaching her this is normal, this is what a relationship looks like.
You are sealing her fate, it’s pretty much guaranteed she will go on to have a similar relationship in the future, perhaps marry a man just like your DH.
Is that what you want, to know that her husband will talk to her like she’s nothing, and that she will spend most of her life feeling worthless and crying most days.
Sometimes staying does far more harm than leaving.
As for excuses about why he’s angry and fights with you all the time, does it really matter why, he is continuing to do it.
You’re young enough to go and find a man who will treat you right and will love and respect you as opposed to mistreat and disrespect you and your daughter.
I’d be making plans, it’s hard but far easier than staying with a mean bully

@Camiliaxo

When I speak to my family they tell me it’s ok things will get better !

This is chilling. Your family know how he behaves, how his family treat you and they tell you to stay. You need to get out of this toxic environment. You are a human being with the same value as any other. Your sex does not give you less right to be happy or to be treated decently. You have reached out, OP, and there is resounding agreement from this community. Now find the strength to get out; from your environment and from your own family if needs be. You and your child can survive this and you can bring your child up in an environment free of such toxic ideas.

If you knew his parents hated you so much and was against the relationship, why on earth are you living with them?

I can see he has family pressure which probably makes him stressed/drink and I would assume you are both from an Asian background which means your families are much more involved and men are thought of more highly.

However if he truly loves you, then you both need to get your own place and separate from his toxic family or it won’t get better. You are too young for all this. Why did you have a baby at 20? You should be carefree and having fun.

Are you in the UK? It sounds like a cultural issue as generally it is OK to not be a virgin & how would he know you weren't?

It's not normal behaviour and it sounds like his family are possibly putting pressure on him which is making him react this way.

Usually a small child would stay with Mum and not grandparents. So they are trying to make you believe they will keep your child when it's unlikely.

In the UK you would get support with housing & living costs as a single parent.

I bet he and his male relatives weren't all virgins when they got married but don't call themselves or each other 'whores', only women who aren't virgins before marriage.

he told them about my life after I opened up to him and I shouldn’t have I guess.

He had absolutely no right to tell family members about your intimate business, your sexual experience, anything like that. That is private, personal and was told to him as your intimate partner and spouse.

His behaviour is inappropriate.

He's also clearly the sort of man who, regardless of his own sexual experience (how many partners had he had on marriage) Can't accept a partner with previous sexual experience and feels compelled to torture her about it, call her names about it, raise previous sexual partners in spite of you presumably not being in touch with them etc.

That's not the sort of man many women are going to have a happy relationship with.

Presumably only virgins (if he can find one) abd even then ged probably find something else to abuse them.about.

His attitude is in the middle ages. Abd he should not be telling family members etc your intumate business, confided in him. He lacks appropriate boundaries.

Why did he marry you, did he not know?

If its so incredibly important to him, why didn't didn't check before marriage?

If it's so incredibly importantnto him, perhaps you should dissolve the marriage, abd he can find a virgin or a woman with with no of previous partners he can accept. I bet he won't want to do that either though.

@Camiliaxo

When I speak to my family they tell me it’s ok things will get better !

There's no logical reason to think that, it's actually more likely to stay the same or get worse.

Thry just don't want the hassle/embarrassment etc of your marriage breaking down. They're being very selfish.

Most men don't call their wives/partners whores when they get angry, this guy (as others have pointed out) sounds like an incel, it's not a "go to" word for the majority of men arguing with their other half. Don't let your daughter grow up thinking this is how women are spoken to in a relationship, there's more at stake here than just your relationship

Are you in the U.K. OP or are you based somewhere else? I think this is relevant because support/options will vary according to your location.

You're being abuses, you child will be witnessing it, and all they do is say platitudes and nonsense to get you to stay.

@AryaStarkWolf

Most men don't call their wives/partners whores when they get angry, this guy (as others have pointed out) sounds like an incel, it's not a "go to" word for the majority of men arguing with their other half. Don't let your daughter grow up thinking this is how women are spoken to in a relationship, there's more at stake here than just your relationship

He may well be an incel as well, but there are cultural issues going on here too.

He expected op/women to be virgins before marriage, and op's sexual experience has been deemed a suitable topic of conversation with his family, and hers!!

It’s not even that we live in Canada I was basically born here came when I was 1 and his family lives here too for the past 12 years and they wanted him to have a huge wedding and just because I don’t have my parents being together and my mom married to another man …. they just hate the way I came into there sons life even though we were happy before we came into this house ! And yeah I’m middle eastern

He always tries to be good but they put him down a lot

If this was your grown up daughter telling you this.... What would you say?

'Tries to be good' yeeeeeah no, good people dont call other people whores. More likely he pretended to be good but now the mask has slipped.

Good,heck, half decent people are sorry when they hurt people and they do whatever it takes never to repeat the behaviour again.

If I hurt someone I loved in such a cruel way is be mortified. He clearly doesnt give a shit. Thats not the hallmark of a decent human being.

This is abuse. You are so young, and you can do so much better. Would you want her future DH calling your sweet little girl a whore? No one deserves this lovely, please leave

That's not love, it's abuse and at 23 you don't want to spend another minute let alone a lifetime with this prick.

@Camiliaxo He will not improve, just get worse - I was married to a Turkish man for 10 years - He was abusive to his children as well as me - I left him in my early thirties.

Very difficult for you - I’m guessing you’re Muslim? In Turkey, divorce is very much frowned upon - you should stay with your husband no matter what they say …

Think about the future happiness of your child and your own health and well-being.

Contact a Women’s Refuge. Get out.

Good luck OP 🌺🌸