My overprotective mother is ruining my life

[auntdeputyinvasion]

Hi, I’m 40 and an only child. My mum has always been very overprotective. She has considerable anxiety and no wish at all to do anything about it. She worries about me getting home constantly. If I’m out after dark, she demands that I get a taxi and text her as soon as I’m home. If I don’t phone her, she will leave panicked, tearful voicemails for me and will get my dad involved as well.

I’m streetwise and have lived independently in three major cities and have never had a problem. I don’t take unnecessary risks. However, it’s got to the point where I regularly lie to her about where I am and what I’m doing because I can’t stand the fuss. I’ll pretend to be home watching TV when I’m really at the cinema.

I have to phone her twice a week and pretend to be happy at all times even if I’m not. If I sound tired or out of sorts, it makes her sad and worried. When I’m home on my own and my flatmates are away, she worries for me, even though I actually really like having the place to myself. I will never confide in her or ask for her support with anything because the thought of having to deal with her anxiety plus whatever it is I’m actually going through is just too much. Ironically she is much easier to deal with when I see her in real life, but I haven’t been to visit in ages cos the constant phone calls and monitoring put me off.

Has anyone been through something similar and managed to retain some kind of sanity and decent relationship with their mother?

My mil was like this with dh. They have a good relationship and get on well. He basically ignored her requests to notify her when he was home, gave her no reassurance for her irrational anxieties and keeps her at arms length, only sharing things with her that he wants too. It’s sounds more harsh written down than it is in really life but it’s done the trick and she’s backed down. He’s stronger than me, I’d be too soft but it’s made a difference. She’s accepted that he isn’t going to go along with her requirements.

My DM isn’t quite as extreme as yours, but she is also anxious and overprotective. I’m downright noncompliant. It’s the only way to handle it.

OP I’m in a really similar situation with my mum and find it so difficult too! I haven’t found a way to deal with it to be honest and go through phases of it really depressing me. I have tried to help with her anxiety and suggest how she can get help but it goes nowhere.

Now I just try to remind myself that we can’t control other people, only ourselves so I try and put some boundaries for myself about what I can cope with when talking to her or visiting. Though that does make me feel a lot of guilt at times, it’s so difficult.I don’t tell her much about what is going on with my life either as she obsesses and worries way too much.

Wish I had more helpful advice! It’s tough, look after yourself and enjoy your life and things that make you happy

I think like @Footprintsonmyfloor said - you have to stop giving in to her irrational demands. It might give your mum a moments reprieve to know you’re home but long term it actually feeds the anxiety and does her more harm than good.

I would very kindly but firmly tell her that the constant checking in on your whereabouts has to stop. If she gets upset and talks about how that makes her feel I would explain how her that you find her behaviour annoying/stressful/invasive. How you think she might react? How does your dad get involved and what does he think of her behaviour?

You need to be toughen up when dealing with her.

Firstly stop letting her anxiety rule your life:start by not telling her what your all to.She doesn't need to know you're going out or that your flatmates are away;stop feeding her anxiety.

Secondly you need to tell her to back off;to be trying to control you like your 14 and still living at home when your 40 and living independently is ridiculous.She needs to learn to respect you which currently she doesn't.

And as for your dad;he needs to be more assertive with her;she's clearly not well;he's there day to day.He can call her GP and tell him/her what's going on and then book an appointment for her.

My mother became very clingy when I left my home city and started wanting me to call her several times a week. Or she would call me and let the phone ring til I answered (no smart phones then thank heavens). As I worked for a university on an EU funded project I "invented" numerous trips to Brussells and Paris that I had to take and made myself (apparently) uncontactable for most of the time. Mobile phones were in their infancy then and were far too expensive to use abroad. She just had to get on with the fact that I was very difficult to reach most of the time. That way I cut down the phone calls home to one or two a month.

Ive generally found that if you make it very difficult to contact they will eventually give up or accept the fact that you have other priorities.

It's a weaning process. Leave the 'I'm home' call a little later each time. Let her ring you, answer the phone once, tell her you are fine but off to bed and putting your phone on silent, sleep well, bye.

And be selective what you tell her. I stopped telling my dm when I travelled for work because a)she made such a fuss, b)there was no reason to worry her c)I'm a grown woman and it's none of her business.

I'd ring for a normal friendly chat once a week and be terribly vague about things if she started to pry.

Don't take any notice of weepy phone messages, that's emotional blackmail. It's your life and you have to draw boundaries.

My DM was so overprotective that she saw my bedroom curtains closed one afternoon and rang me in a panic in case I was ill. There was nothing wrong, I just forgot to open them in the morning. She would ring my dad's office if he was five minutes late home from work. She suffered extreme anxiety over us all. Ignoring it would have made her spiral into being worse, so we just lived with it. She had had a terrible childhood after her mother died from giving birth to her. She didn't have a role model. She phoned me one day to discuss her funeral wishes. I told her she was being silly as she was far too young to be getting worked up about it. Six weeks later she had a sudden death. I missed her constant phone calls.

Like Footprintsonmyfloor DH I totally backed off with the reassuring calls and yes tell her very little

I did once challenge the 'oh but I worry' and asked just what she was worried about a grown woman living her life and she couldn't really answer

I is once here on MN see an explanation about the whole 'I worry' thing, it's highly manipulative and nothing to do with toy but all about them

The easiest way to handle is to control the information flow. Dont tell her your flatmates are away, or that you're going to Norfolk for the weekend. Tell her what you did LAST WEEK instead. That way she can't obsess over what might happen, because its already happened and the sky didn't fall. Then next week, mention how peaceful it was when you had the flat to yourself and how lovely the weekend in Norfolk was. She still gets to feel informed about your life, you get to chat to your mum, but you don't have to deal with her anxieties and drama.

My DM was like this, though not to the extend of yours. If I mentioned I was going on holiday she would immediately tell me I wasn't allowed to go as it was too dangerous. This was when I was in my 20s and 30s.

I think white lies are your friend in this situation.

It was annoying at the time but she died last year and I miss it.

My Mum is the same. I live abroad and pretty much can't tell her anything because she'll just work herself up into a state.

I'm at expert at the "grey rock" technique. It makes me sad that we can't have a relationship but it is what it is.

My mother was like this. She would call me 14 times then leave a voicemail about how I was her daughter and it was despicable that I hadn't answered. She didn't sleep for three days when swine flu was circulating in case I got it (She would never have coped with covid). I had to call to say I was safe if I ever got a taxi and even in winter if it was dark at 4, I would have endless talks about how to be careful and which roads I wasn't allowed to walk down. Denying all my emotions to protect her and then wondering why I didn't have a mum I could confide in ike everyone else was really upsetting. She was quite self focused but not in a malicious way just in a high anxiety obsessiveness kind of way so it was hard to hold her to account because it came from a good place.

I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions, my mum died a few years ago. I just wanted you to know you're not alone and I really understand how you must feel and all the ways that you can feel contained when having to deny your experience.

You are not responsible for calming her anxiety. Or creating it. You need to be very clear in your mind about that. You may also need to ask yourself if you need your Mum to worry about you and why.

Incredibly stressful for you, but this is your life and you don’t have to be ruled by your Mothers anxiety. It will just continue and get worse, if you continue to enable it.

You need to decide for yourself what you are happy with and what you are not happy with and enforce your own boundaries.

Communicate them very clearly to both parents. I’ll guarantee that your DM will probably react quite badly to start with, but stick to your guns.

Your DM’s anxiety is hers, not yours. She needs to be responsible for it - not you.

Thank you all for your comments. It’s really helpful to know I’m not alone. I will definitely start standing up to her a bit more.

Obviously you know your DM better than strangers on Mumsnet but are you sure it's anxiety?
As @Oldraver says it can be highly manipulative and all about them. It can be a thirst for drama, a need to make you jump through hoops and wanting to feel they're special. All normal parents worry but most don't demand constant phone calls to check in with them. It's controlling andyour DF probably goes along with it for the sake of peace and quiet. Maybe google narcissistic mothers and enabling fathers, it may be an eye opener, especially since you say she has no wish to get help for her anxiety.

You mention things you 'have' to do but you don't have to. You are dancing to her tune. Set reasonable boundaries and stick to them firmly. But be warned she will fight back. I would suggest that if she starts the emotional blackmail weeping and wailing tell her you have to go say goodbye and end the call . Every time till she gets the message that bad behaviour means end of phone call. When she immediately rings back to berate you do not answer, then ring her at the time you would normally.
You are definitely not alone in this!

I just never tell mine anything, it only fuels her irrational anxiety.

@PallasStrand

I just never tell mine anything, it only fuels her irrational anxiety.

Yup.

My DM is like this. I keep her at arms length TBH. I don't involve her in anything I know will set her off. I don't discuss important decisions with her.

The problem is it is feeding into my DB and DSIS as well now. I can't help wondering if they've always been like this and I've just noticed it more now with not seeing family for ages now because of covid. But I'm at the point where I can't face visiting family because it feels like I'm walking on eggshells the entire time I'm there.

You need to tell her less or only after the event, and if she is on the phone all the time, gradually wean her off such frequent calls. A 40-year-old woman does not need to inform her mother of her whereabouts at all times.

I dealt with it by living on the other side of the world for a decade or two; now I am back I occasionally have to remind my mother to back off with the phone calls, and I tell her directly that her anxieties are irrational and I am not going to pander to them.

It is sad that I can't tell her a lot of things or ever let on that there is anything at all negative in my life (over the years I have kept from her all indications of things like my DCs' mental health issues and school problems, health issues of mine, a burglary, a car accident, relationship issues etc) because the repercussions are just not worth it, but that is just how life is with an overly anxious parent.

My DH had this, to a slightly less extreme level with his late DF. DF was anxious but also controlling (DH didn't see this aspect of the behaviour until I pointed it out) but he had dealt with it by just not telling his Dad anything that he would fret about. Or not telling him until afterwards.
DF was dreadful around traffic and weather warnings.

I agree with everyone else - don't pander, try not to tell her anything she can latch on to worry about - screen calls maybe try for set times one a week or just when you feel you can deal.

Ignore everyone who says well it's just a five minute conversation whats the big deal.

I don't know if it's anxiety or control or even learned instilled behavor from my DGP - I do know more I do more that's wanted. TBH my DDad is often worse theses days than DMum.

Problem I have is laspses get too a good place for a while then I "forget" talk too freely and frequently have to start again and sometime upset them to do so.

@Oldraver

Like Footprintsonmyfloor DH I totally backed off with the reassuring calls and yes tell her very little

I did once challenge the 'oh but I worry' and asked just what she was worried about a grown woman living her life and she couldn't really answer

I is once here on MN see an explanation about the whole 'I worry' thing, it's highly manipulative and nothing to do with toy but all about them

In CBT for excessive worry one of the things you learn is about the beliefs that keep worry going. For example the belief that if you worry about something and then it happens it'll hurt less because you've prepared yourself. A common one is the belief that worrying shows you care, and everyone does it. I've seen SO many parents (mums mostly) say things like 'once you get pregnant you start worrying and then you never ever stop' which normalises the idea that excessive worry is a normal, almost mandatory part of parenting. 'I worry because I care'. In reality when you dig a little deeper you can find all kinds of examples of situations and people where they care a great deal but don't worry excessively. My father to my knowledge has never conveyed that he is really worried about me, despite me having very difficult periods of my life, because he recognises I'm an adult and that I'm capable and confident and can manage my own life. He cares a lot and loves me to pieces but he doesn't lie awake worrying about me because there is no need to: worry by itself doesn't do anything at all. It's a behaviour that only harms the person doing it.

OP's mum is (intentionally or otherwise) manipulating OP, as you say. She is trying to shoehorn OP into behaving in a way that reduces her anxiety and relieves her worry, but every time OP does this is just reinforces that the only way to deal with the anxiety is to get someone else to put the worry to bed. She never has to learn how to deal with a worry on her own, or have the worst case scenario disproven 'if OP doesn't let me know she's home it means she's been murdered!' when in fact OP is home safe in bed.

OP, I really recommend being straight with your mum and telling her outright that you're not happy with the situation and you won't be continuing to carry out these behaviours in order to reduce her anxiety, it's an unfair burden on you. How many 40yr olds have to tell their mum when they're home? You can signpost her to some therapy services such as NHS IAPT, offer some self help resources if she wants them (I'm happy to share some good quality free ones), but absolutely stop reassuring her. Every time you do it you help to maintain the cycle.

You can't control what your mum does but you can control your response to this, and you don't have to allow your mum to ruin your life. You didn't make her like this and you can't fix it.

You may want to learn some techniques to deal with the anxiety when you speak to her on the phone and you're honest about feeling a bit tired or whatever: try the broken record. When she says 'what's up, you sound unwell, what's wrong? you can say 'nothing's wrong mum, just a little tired, we all get tired' and move on. If she presses it you can repeat it again. A third time you can be more direct 'mum, I've answered your question but you clearly don't believe me. Maybe we should try speaking again another time' and end the call. Or you can try the information diet, like you have been doing, where you give her very little information about your life and whereabouts so she has nothing to cling onto.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's no way to live.

DH has had this problem with his DM all his life. He didn't even realise how strange it was until he met me, and I said it wasn't normal for your mother to call five times a day while you are at work.

What I've noticed about my MIL is that the "worry" manifests on a very irrational scale. Thing that I view as concerning in her life, such as their very unreliable car, she doesn't worry about, but she flies into a panic if she can't immediately get someone on the phone.

Another example would be worrying about security to the point of getting shutters installed, but not fixing the burglar alarm. To me, it's all very illogical.

One thing I will say is that with MIL, the anxieties have got worse over time. She now can't really go to family events without having a panic attack.

The thing is there is nothing you can do. In our case, I think it suits FiL for MIL to be like that because he gets away with behaviours that aren't exactly fair sometimes.

I will go back and rt whole ft in a bit but just want to say that I think you should text your mum when you get home from nights out. She might be unreasonable about lots of things but I do believe that people (esp those who don't have anyone at home who would immediately notice of they didn't come home when expected) should have a checking in system in place, just in case. Personally I also think taxis home are sensible so I'm no going to condemn her for that either. She's your mum and she loves you and worries - do those little things for her. I'm 47 and still let my mum know I'm home.
As for the rest, don't tell her what she doesn't need to know.