My overprotective mother is ruining my life

[auntdeputyinvasion]

Hi, I’m 40 and an only child. My mum has always been very overprotective. She has considerable anxiety and no wish at all to do anything about it. She worries about me getting home constantly. If I’m out after dark, she demands that I get a taxi and text her as soon as I’m home. If I don’t phone her, she will leave panicked, tearful voicemails for me and will get my dad involved as well.

I’m streetwise and have lived independently in three major cities and have never had a problem. I don’t take unnecessary risks. However, it’s got to the point where I regularly lie to her about where I am and what I’m doing because I can’t stand the fuss. I’ll pretend to be home watching TV when I’m really at the cinema.

I have to phone her twice a week and pretend to be happy at all times even if I’m not. If I sound tired or out of sorts, it makes her sad and worried. When I’m home on my own and my flatmates are away, she worries for me, even though I actually really like having the place to myself. I will never confide in her or ask for her support with anything because the thought of having to deal with her anxiety plus whatever it is I’m actually going through is just too much. Ironically she is much easier to deal with when I see her in real life, but I haven’t been to visit in ages cos the constant phone calls and monitoring put me off.

Has anyone been through something similar and managed to retain some kind of sanity and decent relationship with their mother?

Whatever you give will never be enough. You can give everything or nothing she will still ba angry/anxious/manipulative. You can't do anything to change her I don't think. So think about what is acceptable to you and stick to it. She won't like it, but she wouldn't like it anyway. Don't feel the need to justify yourself to her, enter into conversations about what a thoughtless person you are etc etc and don't feel guilty. Only she has the power to change herself and if she isn't willing/able, there's nothing you can do about it.

My mum can be similar. I'm not an only child but I'm the youngest and the only girl.

I stop telling her things because she wants to know every little detail. And sometimes I can't be bothered.

I had my second jab on Saturday (sorry for bringing that into your thread) and she insisted on my dad taking me, just in case, and said they would have followed me separately if I'd refused.

@auntdeputyinvasion

Thank you all for your comments. It’s really helpful to know I’m not alone. I will definitely start standing up to her a bit more.

Hello

I don't think standing up to her will help.
If you look up the anxiety cycle and safety behaviours it may help you understand this better. Your mother has anxiety that is generalised around your safety. She has safety behavours around this and you 'work' with them on her emotionally charged request to assauge her fears. So she never learns. Most anxiety is tied in around a non tolerance of ambiguity because people are avoidant of the fearful consequences that they imagine will happen (Which rarely do).
Your mum needs to work with a therapist to safely experience not checking/ calling you to see that there is nothing cathastrophic waiting to happen. Standing up to her will only increase her ambiguity. Your dad is enabling her and needs to stop.
A good CBT therapist specialising in phobias will sort this out quite quickly.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I will go back and rt whole ft in a bit but just want to say that I think you should text your mum when you get home from nights out. She might be unreasonable about lots of things but I do believe that people (esp those who don't have anyone at home who would immediately notice of they didn't come home when expected) should have a checking in system in place, just in case. Personally I also think taxis home are sensible so I'm no going to condemn her for that either. She's your mum and she loves you and worries - do those little things for her. I'm 47 and still let my mum know I'm home. As for the rest, don't tell her what she doesn't need to know.

In this case checking in with her mother will only perpetuate the behaviour. Her mother needs to learn that she can tolerate the not checking all t he time. Its a phobic/ anxiety issue not a care issue. IN reality her mother does not really care whether she got home ok, she cares that she can check in and thus reluieve her ambiguity and fear around her anxious thoughts. The checking is a safety behaviour and needs to stop. See my first post on anxiety cycle.

I had this in my 20s - only child.

I broke it off. My DM still refers to it as the most painful experience of her life but we got back in touch on my rules. We now like each other instead of me posting on Mumsnet about her being a narc and how I should go NC which is where I am sure we would have ended up.

Essentially all your reassurance just fuels her anxiety. While you cannot change her behaviour, you can change yours and that will change the behaviour of those around you, although they will find it painful.

I would strongly recommend you have counselling to help you while you do it.

I am not sure that my experience is exactly the same but my mother did have some of these tendencies. Based on that, I completely disagree with people telling you not to tell her things. Because if the anxiety is genuine, it will just amplify it. Rather, tell her but be very clear that you are not going to engage with her irrational fears or unreasonable requirements. In my case, with each situation, as my mother learnt she wasn't going to get x or y, it seemed to make it easier as she wasn't constantly wondering.

eg she would ring, and if I didn't answer, she would start to panic. Then she'd ring again and again and again. Then she might start ringing other members of my extended family/DH etc. I was getting frustrated but didn't DO enough about it. Until one day, she went to far and I was FURIOUS. I very very firmly told her that this was unacceptable. That I worked hard, in a busy job and that there was no way that I could always answer the phone and that if she insisted on calling everyone else because I hadn't answered, I simply would not respond at all. I promised her that when I picked up her message, if I couldn't call back immediately, I would send a text. But that I was not going to be blackmailed into dropping everything to take a call from her.

Conversations of this sort happened frequently because I had to be specific for each type of situation. But, eventually, it actually did help. I couldn't say if she was still upset/anxious or whatever, but I do know that if she was, it didn't impact me in the same way anymore.

I will go back and rt whole ft in a bit but just want to say that I think you should text your mum when you get home from nights out. She might be unreasonable about lots of things but I do believe that people (esp those who don't have anyone at home who would immediately notice of they didn't come home when expected) should have a checking in system in place, just in case.

OP seems to have flat mates so she has people around who notice if she went missing.

Plus I found when I was doing this it meant I couldn't stop off and get some shopping done or if I had to stay late - because oh my god where had I been phone calls the worry I'd caused- then it gets more frequent with phone calls not less.

So I'm with Colin56 - though it's often suggested on MN that it's just a "little thing" IME it add to your mental load and it is underminding in your confidence and it makes the family member a lot worse - so isn't in their best interests either.

I have a mother like this who is like it with both me and to a lesser extent my sister!

It took a long time but I deal with it by having a very superficial relationship with my mother. I tell her only what I want her to know. I don't call her straight back on the phone and will sometimes leave it days because if you call back straight away it feeds into the whole drama of her having to know what I'm doing every second of my life! It all sounds very childish but I've had the conversations about how she is being ridiculous and I am not at her beck and call 24/7. The only way I can cope is by keeping her at arms length. Sadly she is now doing this with my son who is doing exactly what I do and keeping her at arms length. My sister had tried different ways of coping with it and has now also resorted to the arms length approach. None of us want to go no contact, but none of us can cope with that level of interference and neediness.

Based on that, I completely disagree with people telling you not to tell her things. Because if the anxiety is genuine, it will just amplify it. Rather, tell her but be very clear that you are not going to engage with her irrational fears or unreasonable requirements.

I have tried this and it does work with my Mum but can leave me worrying about things I wouldn't have been which isn't always great for me as I can end up stressed and difficult to be around.

I can also end up with phone calls from my DDad - worrying about stuff- where when I push back he acts like I've bitten his head off -as he was "just asking" which can leave me feeling like I've done something wrong even when I haven't.

So sometime not saying anything about upcoming events works better for me - I may talk about them afterwards but as they've already happened doesn't seem to set them off.

But it does depend on the situation and the actual people.

Though it was my IL who did the constant phoning started after we'd had pfb all numbers and no messages and everyone else to get hold of us - that was less anxiety - they don't really suffer -and much more about control and we had to blow up and start not reponding - but after a while they were "normal again" with DP they get to normal and relapse and we never progress.

I can also end up with phone calls from my DDad - worrying about stuff- where when I push back he acts like I've bitten his head off -as he was "just asking" which can leave me feeling like I've done something wrong even when I haven't.

Oh, absolutely - I used to get this. The wounded, "no need to be so aggressive, I was just asking" but I learnt to ignore that too because I was 100% confident in myself that my so-called "aggression" was only after repeated polite attempts by me to explain why her behaviour was not okay.

I do think part of the key is to remove yourself from the sense of guilt and responsibility. I appreciate that is easier said than done. And in my case, it happened when my mother's behaviour escalated to such a point that it was impossible for me to believe any of it was my fault or that I needed to feel guilty in any way. A bit like an abused woman who comes on here to say, "AIBU to think that if he broke my arm, this is not okay?" and it turns out there have been a million smaller situations but it had to get this bad before she finally was able to trust her instincts.

My MIL is like this but much worse. My BIL feeds into it and essentially lives his entire life on her terms. My DH is better with boundaries and so it doesn't have the same affect. Boundaries are v important. She is putting herself and her anxiety first and expects you to pander to it. In her mind you are selfish if you don't. The reality is, she is the selfish one.

Op, my mum was exactly like this. It's her problem, not yours. Mine had a personality disorder. Yours may too. It's very harmful and it takes over your life, having a mother like this.
Have a look online and see if you recognise her in descriptions of parents like this.
You do not owe her this much control.

IN reality her mother does not really care whether she got home ok, she cares that she can check in and thus reluieve her ambiguity and fear around her anxious thought
I really disagree with that. It's outrageous to say that a mother doesn't care if her daughter got home okay.

I used to have flatmates. I had no idea what time they were due home, or if they were due home at all. While your mum might well be unreasonable in general I do stand by what I said earlier about it being a good idea to check in when you do get home, so that someone has a heads up if there's a problem. You shouldn't let it stop you doing what you want but I'd still tell my mum that I would definitely text her by X time.

If I’m out at a friend’s house till late, I do usually text that friend to let them know I’m back safe, but I do feel it’s too intrusive for my mum to expect me to text her every single time I get home after dark. I want her to see me as an adult capable of managing my own life and having a right to some privacy. It might be worse as we’re a very small family and other relatives don’t stay in touch - my folks can go many months without even hearing from their siblings. Selfishly I don’t see why they should be able to go off the radar and I have to have my every move monitored!

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously I think from your comments that you do not understand how utterly invasive it is as an adult having a parent demand that you check in with them when ever you go anywhere or do anything. Who when you give into those demands then increases what you must do next time. Can you imagine having grown up children that do not live with you and asking them to call you when they get home, every time they get home from a night out no matter what the time? If you do that to your children you need to take a good hard look at yourself. It is not a normal thing to ask of your adult, middle aged children.

It is not a normal parent child relationship, it is one where a parent is still trying to control their child's life. It is a relationship where the parent cannot acknowledge that their child has a life separate from theirs and if my experience is anything to go by it is a suffocating nightmare and just the tip of the iceberg. Not everyone has a nice mum, sometimes you have to protect yourself from all different types of toxicity. Sometimes that phone call to check in is way more than a simple phone call.

I will read the other replies now, but this was SO much my life, I could have written it and it’s brought tears to my eyes. She used to drive me mad, and my children. She’s now got dementia in her 70s and barely says a couple of words. It was such a relief when she stopped phoning but very occasionally I will miss it!
People with ‘normal’ mums don’t understand and will say it’s because she loves you. Of course it’s wonderful to know you’re loved, but awful to be constantly smothered and trying to pull away all the time. I don’t have any advice sorry, just try not to feel guilty.

You shouldn't let it stop you doing what you want but I'd still tell my mum that I would definitely text her by X time.

The problem was it did stopping me doing things.

The OP is upset she feels she had to lie constantly to go out and do things.

DH uncle is an extreme version - his parents thwarted his moving out then having a social life with guilt trips - they'd insisit on waiting up on him and then complaining they'd lost sleep over the years he stopped going out as it wasnt worth the agro - in end he gave up work and ended up full time carer to them.

TiredButDancing - is right you do have to remove yourself from the sense of guilt and responsibility which you've often to trained to repond to and patterns you often grew up with that aren't normal.

It was DH who questioned why my parents refused to text had to be phone calls - he also when I was pg and sleeping in early evening and when I was dealing with young kids started pushing back against the nightly calls to check I was in - I'd tried calling in the day but still got evening phone call- I also had a mum friend who had much worse parents than mine - they'd caused another child to go NC and were badly affect my friends mental health- but I saw similaries.

I know my parents love me but boundaries are important.

I could have written this myself.
When I was younger I missed out on some amazing personal opportunities for fear of the reaction.
I've been implementing a "need to know basis" to manage the relationship. It's reassuring to read that this is what others are doing too.

If you find it easier to talk to her face to face, can you find the time to visit soon as talk to her. Tell her that her anxiety about your safety is making you anxious and you hate it. Tell her that you hate that you have to hide from her when you are going out or flat mates are away because she'll be stressful and needy about it and it makes you unhappy dealing with it. (Do tell her matter of factly that you've been hiding things from her for a while to avoid her stress reaction).

So from now on, you won't text or call to say you got home safely, theres nothing she can do from her house anyway and you don't like the burden that every night out has to end with a focus on her, even when she's not with you. So it stops.

You are 40, what was she doing at that age? Were you born? Was she able to cope with life? So why does she think you can't?

If she says that she worries, say you know, but that's her problem to deal with and its unfair that she's made it your job to fix it rather than her get help to fix her mental health issues herself.

And stick to it. No more checking in texts /calls.

Urgh my husband’s whole family (MIL, FIL and SIL) were all like this. They’d phone him independently of each other and all expect ‘I’m safe’ texts. Used to drive me up the wall!!

My DM was a bit like this when I was growing up. It's fine now I'm an adult. I was a complete hardass about it though, not by design but out of survival.

I:

1. just point blank refused to comply with her checks.
2. didn't tell her about things until after they happened. Again, I evolved this out of pure survival - telling her about anything that wasn't 100% shiny meant having her emotions dumped on me for management, which didn't exactly make difficult stuff easier. So I stopped telling her and we aren't close.

Harsh, but I don't have regrets. I did what I had to do. I still have zero tolerance for managing other people's "worry" for them.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I will go back and rt whole ft in a bit but just want to say that I think you should text your mum when you get home from nights out. She might be unreasonable about lots of things but I do believe that people (esp those who don't have anyone at home who would immediately notice of they didn't come home when expected) should have a checking in system in place, just in case. Personally I also think taxis home are sensible so I'm no going to condemn her for that either. She's your mum and she loves you and worries - do those little things for her. I'm 47 and still let my mum know I'm home. As for the rest, don't tell her what she doesn't need to know.

I live alone and am also 47, I find the thought of ringing my mother to tell her I'm home absolutely bonkers. And she would think that I'd lost my mind.

But if you didn't get home, who would know?
Don't get me wrong - most of the stuff people have talked about on this thread is batshit and I wouldn't do it or demand it of my DC. My advice for the OP is to decide what you are willing to do and tell her. And stick to it. Boundaries are important.
But I still think a text to say 'home safe' is sensible.

Mrs Gene - but the OP doesn't live alone, she's got flatmates.

If the OP wanted someone to be be aware she was out and a safety net, great, but she doesn't want that, hence the lying she's at home when out. It would be much more sensible to text the friend you'd gone to the cinema with that you'd got home (presuming they didn't travel back with you), someone who could tell police info like "she left at x time was planning to get the y bus."

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

IN reality her mother does not really care whether she got home ok, she cares that she can check in and thus reluieve her ambiguity and fear around her anxious thought I really disagree with that. It's outrageous to say that a mother doesn't care if her daughter got home okay.

I used to have flatmates. I had no idea what time they were due home, or if they were due home at all. While your mum might well be unreasonable in general I do stand by what I said earlier about it being a good idea to check in when you do get home, so that someone has a heads up if there's a problem. You shouldn't let it stop you doing what you want but I'd still tell my mum that I would definitely text her by X time.

I have a mother like this. If I were worried about a first date or wilderness hike and wanted someone to check I got back, she is on the absolute last person i'd ask. It would only stress both of us out. I'd choose a friend or relative who is calm and rational.

And when I was single, unless there was a particular reason, I didn't ask anyone to check I got home- it is a personal decision but for me the risk seemed very low compared to the hassle and reduction in privacy.