My overprotective mother is ruining my life

[auntdeputyinvasion]

Hi, I’m 40 and an only child. My mum has always been very overprotective. She has considerable anxiety and no wish at all to do anything about it. She worries about me getting home constantly. If I’m out after dark, she demands that I get a taxi and text her as soon as I’m home. If I don’t phone her, she will leave panicked, tearful voicemails for me and will get my dad involved as well.

I’m streetwise and have lived independently in three major cities and have never had a problem. I don’t take unnecessary risks. However, it’s got to the point where I regularly lie to her about where I am and what I’m doing because I can’t stand the fuss. I’ll pretend to be home watching TV when I’m really at the cinema.

I have to phone her twice a week and pretend to be happy at all times even if I’m not. If I sound tired or out of sorts, it makes her sad and worried. When I’m home on my own and my flatmates are away, she worries for me, even though I actually really like having the place to myself. I will never confide in her or ask for her support with anything because the thought of having to deal with her anxiety plus whatever it is I’m actually going through is just too much. Ironically she is much easier to deal with when I see her in real life, but I haven’t been to visit in ages cos the constant phone calls and monitoring put me off.

Has anyone been through something similar and managed to retain some kind of sanity and decent relationship with their mother?

@auntdeputyinvasion

OK, so. She will text me several times in a day. If I don’t read/reply immediately (because I’m at work, or out for a walk, or in the cinema- see I’m even explaining myself to you!) I’ll get another text saying “are you ok?” If I still don’t reply, a couple of hours after she will phone me. I’ve been furiously typing a response before only to be interrupted by her call! What do I do with this?

I handle this exact scenario by ignoring everything the messages the phone calls everything. Just because you have a phone does not make you available. I then at a time that suits me, call back and forgo all pleasantries demand to know what is wrong, why has she tried to call so many times when she knows I am. At work, out with friends at the cinema it must surely be an emergency or else she wouldnt be that rude? I would say that 9 times out of 10 that stops the calls for a while. It seems harsh but by reflecting some of her behaviour back to her it seems to shock her into a semblance of normality.

Reading these posts makes me think we must all have the same Mother. Mine is very elderly & thank goodness doesnt use a mobile phone but her poor health has resulted in her being mainly house bound. Requent phone calls & requests for very minor errands - "can I just impose on you to do this little job" - it shouldn't but that comment makes me so cross.

We are just moving out of a 2 week Covid lockdown today & while I have checked in on her & taken groceries I have tried really hard to be "unavailable" & I am enjoying it. Almost restful. My sister lives further away & they phone each other 3 or 4 times a week which I often am agog with what the hell do they talk about for hours at a time. This isnt recent, maybe for the last 6 or 7 years.
A couple of years ago I noticed that Mother's anxiety was getting up, I had gone away to stay with one of my DS & his family after a new baby arrived, Mum ended up in hospital & I cut my visit short to rush back. Another weekend away more recently to stay with a girlfriend & the same thing. I think the anxiety levels must set off heart palpitations & breathing issues so she phones the ambulance. If I'm home & around here there are no health blips. The plan has to be to tell her after the event 🙂
And like the frog in a pot if hot water, I realise my life is morphing into staying around here to not upset Mother.

My mother is like this. High anxiety and also ASD (diagnosed and the anxiety is probably linked). She worries over the smallest smallest of details. Catastrophises and obsesses. I love her dearly and mostly like her. Now…!

But I never tell her if something is wrong or any deep emotions as it would cause her to be wracked with worry and opinion. My god, the opinion. I do not wish for it - had it every day (unsolicited) from Day One till I was about 21. The shutters came down and I realised I was better off not telling her anything. As others have said, I do not need her (over the top) worry on top of my own worries.

I spent my twenties quite distanced from her. My thirties and forties saw the boundaries being put in place. I say No, don’t engage in the anxiety, tell her she’s being ridiculous when she is. But I do it kindly and now we’re in a good place. I call at least 5 times a week (she’s very elderly and lives 500 miles away) and mostly enjoy her company. I still can’t stand the way I can’t have any time alone with my dad (she’d see it as a huge, depression inducing rejection) but we’re in a good, respectful place about 90% of the time. I realise no relationship is perfect and I know she’s worked hard to accept my boundaries.

But I absolutely had to create distance and rebuild the relationship on my terms.

You need to stop engaging with her behaviour. I would call her and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and that from now on you will respond to her texts at a time that is convenient for you, and then stick to it.

Then start with looking at her texts once a day, and responding once a day with one response. Stop telling her details about your life. If she sends hysterical voicemails just delete them and message her and tell her you have deleted them without listening to them.

And if it continues I would block her in all honesty. Not forever, but for a while. And tell her why and stick to it.

You need to regain control here. Her anxiety is her problem, not yours.

LondonSouth28
It’s difficult to know how your going to be once your children are older, mine are all adults now. I found the teenage years the worst and worried about them so much, but resisted texting them incessantly and just told them if ever they needed me whatever the time of day it was I’d be there, and you know what they did call a few times worse for wear, brought them home with a bucket between their legs 🙈 Their lovely adults now and I’m so proud of them.
Your mum is exactly like mine, it’s very wearing to say the least. It’s really spoiled my life, now in my sixties I’m still battling everyday for my privacy and time. The best thing was moving away it’s only 30 minutes but at least she had to phone before she came, not just drop in and out all day, nearly drove me mad !

Just wondering all the people with anxious mums how has it affected you as a parent ?

I don't know - I worry I'm repeating patterns I'm unaware of - which is what I think my parents have often done.

My MIL mother like this and MIL went full on Pollyanna and many of the "funny stories" of DH childhood are actually terrifying. One of the boys who grew up with DH said he thought at the time they were great but since becoming a parent he's horrified at what they faciliated.

When the kids were very young and need watching she and FIL were a menace- always dismiss safty concerns so rather than move heart medication I came back from loo to find my toddler had them in his hands - MIL insisting I should let DD1 wander out like she did only to grudgely say yes have DD1 run into road and car have to do an emergency stop. Yet when the children got older - 14 with kettle was I mad - leaving secondary school children home 40 minutes was child abuse - DH was home alone for hours from 8.

I try and find that middle ground - DH is way more lax sometimes too much so othertimes he's spot on - I think I'd have really struggled without DH to parent with.

I've let them go further today than normal - with some very sensible freinds - involves trains and changes but honestly I think they are ready and it will be good for them it's fighting need to text them till much later in the day.

I think mostly had a similar effect to many other aspects of my life it's made me much less confident and more anxious often second guessing myself and my actions.

I try and focus on building the children's skills up as I was woefully prepared to leave for University - and that was a gentle landing to moving out and working full time.

I do agree with previous posters Mum is great in a crisis - so I do think much of it is to do with not having enough to do - and I think over the years DDad gone from pretty postive to catastrophizing partly due to constant exposure to DMums worries.

OP - I echo the not responding. Make a point of it. Dont answer the calls either. Then later, call and straight away ask what the panic was. If its "you didn't respond", be angry and tell her you were busy and can't be expected to drop everything to pander to her panic. Tell her each time she's worried you. That you can't keep your diary clear for her and you are 40 and have things going on. (Don't tell her what you were busy with, if she asks "that doesn't matter, I wasn't free, I won't always be immediately available. I have lots going on and a job.")

Dont tell her before you go out, tell her afterwards, and tell her you didn't tell her in advance because you know she would keep contacting you to check you got home and didn't want to be tied to that. "Its just easier for me mum if I don't have to factor in your worrying."