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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My overprotective mother is ruining my life

107 replies

auntdeputyinvasion · 29/08/2021 23:58

Hi, I’m 40 and an only child. My mum has always been very overprotective. She has considerable anxiety and no wish at all to do anything about it. She worries about me getting home constantly. If I’m out after dark, she demands that I get a taxi and text her as soon as I’m home. If I don’t phone her, she will leave panicked, tearful voicemails for me and will get my dad involved as well.

I’m streetwise and have lived independently in three major cities and have never had a problem. I don’t take unnecessary risks. However, it’s got to the point where I regularly lie to her about where I am and what I’m doing because I can’t stand the fuss. I’ll pretend to be home watching TV when I’m really at the cinema.

I have to phone her twice a week and pretend to be happy at all times even if I’m not. If I sound tired or out of sorts, it makes her sad and worried. When I’m home on my own and my flatmates are away, she worries for me, even though I actually really like having the place to myself. I will never confide in her or ask for her support with anything because the thought of having to deal with her anxiety plus whatever it is I’m actually going through is just too much. Ironically she is much easier to deal with when I see her in real life, but I haven’t been to visit in ages cos the constant phone calls and monitoring put me off.

Has anyone been through something similar and managed to retain some kind of sanity and decent relationship with their mother?

OP posts:

bamboocat · 31/08/2021 19:18

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

IN reality her mother does not really care whether she got home ok, she cares that she can check in and thus reluieve her ambiguity and fear around her anxious thought I really disagree with that. It's outrageous to say that a mother doesn't care if her daughter got home okay.

I used to have flatmates. I had no idea what time they were due home, or if they were due home at all. While your mum might well be unreasonable in general I do stand by what I said earlier about it being a good idea to check in when you do get home, so that someone has a heads up if there's a problem. You shouldn't let it stop you doing what you want but I'd still tell my mum that I would definitely text her by X time.

Perhaps you're missing the point. Of course a mother cares if her 40-year-old offspring gets home ok. But not to the point of being worried silly and panicking, and demanding constant reassurance and phone calls every day.

Welshgal85 · 31/08/2021 19:18

I’m finding some comfort from this thread knowing I’m not the only one with a parent like this. It can be so draining!

MMMarmite · 31/08/2021 19:22

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

My DM was a bit like this when I was growing up. It's fine now I'm an adult. I was a complete hardass about it though, not by design but out of survival.

just point blank refused to comply with her checks.
didn't tell her about things until after they happened. Again, I evolved this out of pure survival - telling her about anything that wasn't 100% shiny meant having her emotions dumped on me for management, which didn't exactly make difficult stuff easier. So I stopped telling her and we aren't close.

Harsh, but I don't have regrets. I did what I had to do. I still have zero tolerance for managing other people's "worry" for them.

Yeah I'm like this too. I do find point 2 really sad, because I can't go to her for emotional support.

Harpydragon · 31/08/2021 19:23

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

But if you didn't get home, who would know? Don't get me wrong - most of the stuff people have talked about on this thread is batshit and I wouldn't do it or demand it of my DC. My advice for the OP is to decide what you are willing to do and tell her. And stick to it. Boundaries are important. But I still think a text to say 'home safe' is sensible.

I lived on my own for many years, it just wouldn't enter my head to let anyone know I was home. If it was late at night I used a taxi from a trusted firm who made sure I got in ok, any other time it really didn't matter.

The phone call thing is a red herring it's not about making sure you are safe it's about knowing who you are with, what you are doing, it is about controlling your life when they are not with you.

MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 19:24

Oh OP. Mine is the same. It's stifling. She can see potential death around every corner. She's doing it with my kids now too - or trying to. I'm quite abrupt with her now. My childhood was miserable because of it.

I don't tell her half the things we do. It's not worth her sucking the joy out if it.

I text her before we arrive everywhere now to get it out of the way.

She worries about things I wouldn't give a second thought to. And I admit, I roll my eyes at her sometimes. I can't see how we're related!

And I don't take risks either but I am capable of a 20 minute car journey without needing to check in both ends.

She exhausts me and I'm afraid I avoid her company sometimes.

Solidarity, sister!

exexpat · 31/08/2021 19:32

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

If I didn't get home or to another destination by midnight (or didn't call to say I was safe, possibly because I forgot or my phone battery ran out or I was still out having a good time), say, what do you think my 84-year-old housebound mother could/should do about it? Start calling the police and hospitals? Apart from just panicking, which is what she would do?

It is intrusive and unnecessary and totally unhelpful to anyone.

exexpat · 31/08/2021 19:34

It is sad to see how many of us on here have the same mother...

My children are now young adults, and I do not and will not ever do this to them. It destroys relationships.

MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 19:36

And it's all very well saying "just text her" but when I was single, my plans changed sometimes and there was no way I wanted to have to ring my mum at 11pm to tell her I wasn't actually going home at all! I was a bloody grown up.
So I didn't tell her I was going out.
The dramatic "oh thank goodness" winds me up beyond belief

She once came to an event I was at and because she couldn't find me (it was packed and I was busy) she walked to my home to see if we're we're in. The house was, obviously locked up because we were at the event. I had 27 missed calls and several messages saying to call her asap when I glanced at my phone. I thought someone must have died. I then missed most of my event trying to get hold of her. She couldn't answer because she was driving around looking for me.

MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 19:38

@exexpat

It is sad to see how many of us on here have the same mother...

My children are now young adults, and I do not and will not ever do this to them. It destroys relationships.

Yes! Very unMNetty fist bump!

Chicchicchicchiclana · 31/08/2021 19:42

As others have said, tell her the bare minimum. Treat her like a stranger. She has driven you away, do NOT feel guilty about this.

cptartapp · 31/08/2021 19:43

You don't 'have' to phone her twice a week at all. You have a choice about that.
Difficult as it is you need to start doing what you want rather than what she wants. Now. Or how much worse will her expectations of you be as she ages and is the one left alone.

KurtWilde · 31/08/2021 19:57

I'm in much the same boat with my mum. I hate lying to her, makes me feel like a sneaky teen rather than a grown woman with children of her own!

She phones me on average 6 times a day - and anything up to 13 times isn't uncommon. To see where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing. If I'm out in the evening on a rare occasion when my Dc are at their dads, she spams me with phone calls - when are you coming home, why aren't you home yet. So I've stopped telling her I'm going out, I'll usually say I'm getting an early night which pleases her no end and and stops her calling incessantly.

When I first moved out into my own home, if I didn't answer the phone in the morning (having a lie in/had someone over), she'd come to my house and bang on the door because she thought I should be up and if I wasn't I must've been murdered in my sleep. That's just one snippet of thousands of occasions when she's been irrational.

She had anxiety and refuses to do anything about it.

It's tiring.

Katyy · 31/08/2021 20:15

Looks like there’s lots of us in the same boat. I’m an only one too and in my sixties, mum late 80s and I’ve had this all my life .I’ve had to move several miles away to get some privacy as have my children it’s very sad.
She has no idea that’s the reason. Mum is losing her memory now, so I would say it’s becoming easier, we just tell lots of white lies, all she wants to know is that everyone is safe, so that’s what we tell her. We wouldn’t ever tell her anyone was ill, because life wouldn’t be worth living. She must think she has a very healthy family 🙄

exexpat · 31/08/2021 20:17

Wow, KurtWilde, that goes well beyond the point at which I would have had very sharp words with my mother. Do you never just flip and tell her to stop calling?

I think the worst I have had is six phone calls in two hours when I had gone to the cinema by myself without telling her. I really could not stand for six or more calls a day as a regular thing. I would be telling her I would call her once a day/every few days and sticking to it.

exexpat · 31/08/2021 20:19

@katyy - the illness thing is the same here, but unfortunately sometimes you can't avoid telling her things.

I was the one who had to break the news to her that my sister was about to start chemo for breast cancer, and the last three months of my sister's life, she and my BiL and I spent far too much time trying to manage the information flow to my mother and deal with her emotions, when really we should have been focusing on my sister and her DC.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 31/08/2021 20:20

I'm amazed at how tolerant some of you are. If anyone phoned me 6 times a day I'd have to sever relations, no matter if it was my own mother. That's just ridiculous.

Welshgal85 · 31/08/2021 20:21

@KurtWilde

I'm in much the same boat with my mum. I hate lying to her, makes me feel like a sneaky teen rather than a grown woman with children of her own!

She had anxiety and refuses to do anything about it.

It's tiring.

It’s so hard isn’t it when they aren’t willing to do anything about their anxiety? I know it is hard for her but sometimes I do feel angry at her our relationship is really limited now to what it used to be as she has got more and more anxious as she’s got older so we do less and less together. She expects me to go to her all the time and won’t really go out so we don’t have any shared experiences rather than me being at her house. Covid has only made her anxiety worse too. I wanted to go out for a meal with her dad and my DP for my birthday last week but she just wouldn’t as she’s obsessing about Covid and thinks it’s unsafe to go out to eat even though we have all been double jabbed.

LondonSouth28 · 31/08/2021 20:25

Only child and also an overprotective mother who gets anxious over everything and also drags my father into it. Years ago I realised if she doesn't know about it, she can't get anxious about it (and annoy me about it!) and yes I also do the sound cheery at all times thing too. Some days it's truly hard to muster that happiness! I also agree with PP that you have to almost ignore it, I just say nothing and change the subject, silently refusing to talk about it. My parents live far away so I don't see them often. Their current concern is that we must all hold the handrail when walking down the stairs - queue a 5-10 minute lecture on holding handrails and for good measure, a few horror stories about people falling downstairs and dying.

Start by reducing how much you're telling them, and white lies don't hurt in these circumstances.

DDIJ · 31/08/2021 20:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Katyy · 31/08/2021 20:33

EXEPAT
You have my sympathies. So sorry to hear about your sister. I often think how this anxiety is so selfish as their not concerned about how their making the other person feel ,only concerned about alleviating their own anxiety. I’ve explained this to my mum, but it doesn’t help .
Just recently I became ill and couldn’t visit, I managed to make excuses for three days ,but when I still wasn’t well enough to visit I had to tell her. It was awful I had at least four phone calls a day and just couldn’t rest she nearly called the Dr out on my behalf !

LondonSouth28 · 31/08/2021 20:40

@Katyy - oh my idea of hell would be having to tell my mother I'm unwell. Nothing would delay my recovery more...

Spudina · 31/08/2021 20:50

I lived on my own from 17 to 26. In all that time I rarely told anyone I was home safe. Occasionally if I was out with another girl and we were getting separate cabs etc we would text. I think once you start thinking you are going to be murdered or raped all the time it would drive you mad.
I have anxiety OP. I understand that I have had checking behaviours in the past but I have a good handle on them now. It’s not for others to reassure me. I don’t know how you have been so patient for so long. Can you her you are no longer telling her when you get home and she needs professional help if your relationship is to survive? Easier said than done I know.....but this may be the catalyst she needs.

Katyy · 31/08/2021 20:50

Just wondering all the people with anxious mums how has it affected you as a parent ? I’m very aware of becoming my mother I’m so determined not to be I’ve gone the other way ! My DC often ring and say, we haven’t heard from you for a while mum are you okay.
They all live within half a mile ,but I would never visit without an invite and rarely ring. Mum cannot for the life ofI her understand this, that’s why we moved away, she once lived opposite me and came across univited10 times in one day.
It caused a huge row with my DH . I had to have a talk with her about it.She couldn’t understand and didn’t speak to us for about a month, until she came to tell us she was moving house. Things improved slightly ,not much changed though until we moved.
I don’t feel I’ve ever had a mum I can confide in. She would be too intense and overly involved Then I’d have two problems instead of one.Very sad

KurtWilde · 31/08/2021 20:55

@Welshgal85 my mum won't go out since covid, it's been 18 months and the only place she's been is a couple of hospital appointments. She won't come to my house at all.

@exexpat oh I've had many strong words, things change for a bit then she falls back into her old ways. I freelance, so to her that isn't actually working and means I'm (in her mind) available to speak any time she fancies it. The fact I have young children also isn't an excuse to not be available to her either. It can be bath time, bedtime, doesn't matter. I put my phone on silent and end up with voicemails.

User57327259 · 31/08/2021 20:55

As far as I can see not one pp has thought perhaps their DM loves them so much that they want you to be safe.

Not everyone gets home safely. I can think of several well known cases. These females were murdered on their work duties or on their way home from a night out.
I was fine with phoning my parents to say I was home safely or I was at a certain point on my journey. I miss having that back up.
There have been cases of females so set against a short phone call that they are reported missing and police spend time looking for them and eventually breaking into the homes.
All for the want of a short phone call

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