Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My overprotective mother is ruining my life

107 replies

auntdeputyinvasion · 29/08/2021 23:58

Hi, I’m 40 and an only child. My mum has always been very overprotective. She has considerable anxiety and no wish at all to do anything about it. She worries about me getting home constantly. If I’m out after dark, she demands that I get a taxi and text her as soon as I’m home. If I don’t phone her, she will leave panicked, tearful voicemails for me and will get my dad involved as well.

I’m streetwise and have lived independently in three major cities and have never had a problem. I don’t take unnecessary risks. However, it’s got to the point where I regularly lie to her about where I am and what I’m doing because I can’t stand the fuss. I’ll pretend to be home watching TV when I’m really at the cinema.

I have to phone her twice a week and pretend to be happy at all times even if I’m not. If I sound tired or out of sorts, it makes her sad and worried. When I’m home on my own and my flatmates are away, she worries for me, even though I actually really like having the place to myself. I will never confide in her or ask for her support with anything because the thought of having to deal with her anxiety plus whatever it is I’m actually going through is just too much. Ironically she is much easier to deal with when I see her in real life, but I haven’t been to visit in ages cos the constant phone calls and monitoring put me off.

Has anyone been through something similar and managed to retain some kind of sanity and decent relationship with their mother?

OP posts:
MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 20:58

@User57327259

As far as I can see not one pp has thought perhaps their DM loves them so much that they want you to be safe. Not everyone gets home safely. I can think of several well known cases. These females were murdered on their work duties or on their way home from a night out. I was fine with phoning my parents to say I was home safely or I was at a certain point on my journey. I miss having that back up. There have been cases of females so set against a short phone call that they are reported missing and police spend time looking for them and eventually breaking into the homes. All for the want of a short phone call
Funnily enough that's occurred to me.

It goes way past that. We aren't all twats. We're grown ups with overly anxious or controlling mothers.

That response us remarkably unhelpful and quite rude.

MargosKaftan · 31/08/2021 21:04

@User57327259

As far as I can see not one pp has thought perhaps their DM loves them so much that they want you to be safe. Not everyone gets home safely. I can think of several well known cases. These females were murdered on their work duties or on their way home from a night out. I was fine with phoning my parents to say I was home safely or I was at a certain point on my journey. I miss having that back up. There have been cases of females so set against a short phone call that they are reported missing and police spend time looking for them and eventually breaking into the homes. All for the want of a short phone call
No, read the OP again and if you dont see that her mother is beyond reasonable, work on your own boundaries.

The OP isn't allowed, at 40 living in a different city, to decide her own way home. She isn't allowed to decide who she tells she's going home or send a "home safe" message to.

Its not like the mother can help, if she doesn't know when the OP left, or what taxi firm she was using or the details of who she was with- the OPs flatmates or friends she was out with would make better "text safe" contacts.

Its deciding a grown woman of 40 is still not the one who should make their own safety judgement decisions.

Its controlling and/or a sign of poor mental health that anyone would think this was reasonable.

User57327259 · 31/08/2021 21:06

@MeredithGreyishblue What a dreadful comment. Women who are murdered are "twats" to use your words! And you think I am unhelpful and rude.
I have lived with the fact that one of my family was raped and nearly killed by a very strange and violent man who police and social services knew about but failed to stop his conduct.

There are so many wrong ones around these days and they are assisted by those who can not make a short phone call.

Not all mothers want to control their children they just want to rest easy knowing that the adult child is home safely.

MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 21:10

We aren't just being impatient with normal mothers here! Don't twist my words.

The level of intrusion and anxiety isn't normal in the discussion we're having. We are sharing valid experiences.

I didn't say murdered women were twats and you know that. I said we aren't all just bring twats about our mothers.

User57327259 · 31/08/2021 21:10

@MargosKaftan I am older than 40. I babysit for my adult child's children and I am happy to make that call when I get home at 2 or 3 in the morning and say to my own child I am safely in the house.

OP's mum does seem a bit excessive but a quick call saying I am home - need the loo speak tomorrow is a good way to ensure that it is a quick call. The older lady gets her call and maybe will lessen her worries if she does not have to "fight" for that short call.

exexpat · 31/08/2021 21:26

[quote User57327259]@MeredithGreyishblue What a dreadful comment. Women who are murdered are "twats" to use your words! And you think I am unhelpful and rude.
I have lived with the fact that one of my family was raped and nearly killed by a very strange and violent man who police and social services knew about but failed to stop his conduct.

There are so many wrong ones around these days and they are assisted by those who can not make a short phone call.

Not all mothers want to control their children they just want to rest easy knowing that the adult child is home safely.[/quote]
I am trying to see your logic here. How would a short phone call save anyone from being raped or murdered?

Those women were attacked before they made it home to make a call; are you suggesting that if someone had been waiting for their call and had sent out search parties/called the police at one minute past midnight if they hadn't received a call, the women would have been saved?

Can you imagine how much police time would be wasted if everyone did call them when a woman was a bit later home than expected or stayed somewhere else or just fell asleep and forgot to call or text their over-anxious parent?

The only purpose of a phone call is to reassure someone who has an irrational fear that every time a woman makes a journey alone (particularly after dark), she is dicing with death. In this country, that is really not the case, and pandering to the idea that it is just feels suffocating to those of us on the receiving end of the demands.

MargosKaftan · 31/08/2021 21:26

If you are making a call to the people you were with to say I'm home now, thats very different to having another family member who a) expects to be told in advance of all your planned times out of the house and b) expects to be contacted when you get home, or if plans change during the trip out to make it a longer event, updated of your movements and timings.

If it was a DP insisting on this sort of info, we'd call it controlling. Wrapping that level of control up as "worry" makes it seem ok. But its not.

Spudina · 31/08/2021 21:32

@MargosKaftan
Exactly that.

MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 21:34

@MargosKaftan

If you are making a call to the people you were with to say I'm home now, thats very different to having another family member who a) expects to be told in advance of all your planned times out of the house and b) expects to be contacted when you get home, or if plans change during the trip out to make it a longer event, updated of your movements and timings.

If it was a DP insisting on this sort of info, we'd call it controlling. Wrapping that level of control up as "worry" makes it seem ok. But its not.

This
KurtWilde · 31/08/2021 21:37

@MargosKaftan

If you are making a call to the people you were with to say I'm home now, thats very different to having another family member who a) expects to be told in advance of all your planned times out of the house and b) expects to be contacted when you get home, or if plans change during the trip out to make it a longer event, updated of your movements and timings.

If it was a DP insisting on this sort of info, we'd call it controlling. Wrapping that level of control up as "worry" makes it seem ok. But its not.

Exactly.
User57327259 · 31/08/2021 21:38

I think it is about women travelling about alone at night. This depends on where each of us lives or what goes on in our localities. I made the calls so that my adult child knowing that a certain type of male lived in my area would know that I was safe. If that male had been dealt with by the authorities my area would be safer. I was giving my adult child the knowledge that I was safe.
As to the person who was raped and nearly killed, if I had been expecting a phone and not told I was being daft I would have been able to tell from that call that something was wrong and tried to help sooner than I did.
It is a short call. You dont need to spend hours at midnight on the phone - just "Hi I am in". It is courtesy to ease the worries of those concerned for you.

Tee20x · 31/08/2021 21:46

Always found stuff like this very strange and often think that along with being controlling that it also comes down to wanting to pry and not having anything going on in their own lives so they invent all these things to worry about to occupy their mind.

I have a grandmother like this - wanting to know every detail, pushing her concerns and anxieties onto me, voicing her concerns to other family members about me driving out and about and that she worries about me getting home safely.

Frankly I think it's ridiculous, I have friends and relatives I care about but I don't obsess about their every movement. I deal with it by telling her exactly what I think when she starts spouting her rubbish & like PPs don't tell her much of what is going on in my life at all. Which is a bit of a shame really because the way she acts makes me not want to be around her at all!

At the end of the day you are a grown woman and shouldn't need to be lying to your mum about things to appease her. Just get on with it and if she doesn't like it that's tough.

LondonSouth28 · 31/08/2021 21:47

@Katyy - I also am mournful at not having a relationship with my mother where I can confide with her. Honestly, until I read this thread I thought it was my fault. Are your children older? Any tips on how to not turn into your mother? I'd be incredibly sad if I couldn't have a close relationship with my kids.

My children are young - I have 3 of them, I'm a single mum and I work FT in a pretty full-on job which I think will always mitigate how anxious I can be - I don't have time!! I am so far very chilled with my kids and try to be calm and never over react etc.

I also think my mother can be a little unpredictable, a bit of a pessimist and she has strong opinions on things (uses the word 'hate' a lot which has always made me wince) - this also causes me to withdraw.

MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 21:55

My mum does it if my family goes to the zoo for the day. Have we arrived? Are we home? Are you still not home? Is the traffic bad? Is it an accident?
Scouts is dangerous. The boys shouldn't kayak because she can't sleep worrying about it. (Tough, sorry).

It's not specific to the night. It's danger at literally every turn.

Which is entirely about her anxiety not my welfare. It's much, much deeper than getting home safely.

theleafandnotthetree · 31/08/2021 21:59

This is a very useful and reassuring thread for people with parents - mothers especially - who behave like this in knowing that you are not alone and in getting tips on how to deal with it. As someone whose parents are not remotely like this, I feel so angry on your behalves for how this nonsense has blighted your lives, for how selfish these parents are. Some I would consider to be mentally unwell but in failing to seek help for their anxiety and neuroses, I would still consuder them to be at fault.

AnnaMagnani · 31/08/2021 22:14

OMG 6-13 calls a day?

I went into therapy due to severe depression when my DM was at 5 calls a day.

We are now on 3 happy much wanted calls a week - you can change their behaviour by changing your behaviour.

Original poster
auntdeputyinvasion · 31/08/2021 22:25

I’m glad this is a useful thread but sorry that so many of us are experiencing the same thing.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 31/08/2021 22:36

I'm the anxious person in this scenario. IMO, you must stop facilitating her, for both of your sakes. Pandering to anxiety is absolutely the worst thing you can do, because it ends up where you are, in a one sided relationship where one person is walking on eggshells.
You Mum has to learn that she can cope with whatever 'worst case scenario' that her mind invents, and she can stop catastrophising. She is the parent, not the child in this relationship.

Try having a frank talk with her, and encourage her to get help for her anxiety. Set some healthy boundaries for yourself and tell her that you will no longer manage her anxiety on her behalf.

PersonaNonGarter · 31/08/2021 22:38

Busy people don’t behave like this.

It’s a marker of someone who lacks confidence and direction.

Original poster
auntdeputyinvasion · 31/08/2021 22:40

OK, so. She will text me several times in a day. If I don’t read/reply immediately (because I’m at work, or out for a walk, or in the cinema- see I’m even explaining myself to you!) I’ll get another text saying “are you ok?” If I still don’t reply, a couple of hours after she will phone me. I’ve been furiously typing a response before only to be interrupted by her call! What do I do with this?

OP posts:
MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 22:42

@auntdeputyinvasion

OK, so. She will text me several times in a day. If I don’t read/reply immediately (because I’m at work, or out for a walk, or in the cinema- see I’m even explaining myself to you!) I’ll get another text saying “are you ok?” If I still don’t reply, a couple of hours after she will phone me. I’ve been furiously typing a response before only to be interrupted by her call! What do I do with this?
What's her reaction if you broach it with her?
Original poster
auntdeputyinvasion · 31/08/2021 22:44

@PersonaNonGarter (love the username!) she is definitely not a busy person and has few interests. She does very occasionally go out with her friends and tells me endlessly about their Very Clever Daughters who are all more accomplished than me, but that’s another story!

OP posts:
Original poster
auntdeputyinvasion · 31/08/2021 22:45

@MeredithGreyishblue “Oh, I know, but I just like knowing you’re safe/OK. Even if you just read the text so I can see you’ve seen it, that’s ok..” (It’s not)

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 31/08/2021 22:48

I’ll get another text saying “are you ok?” If I still don’t reply, a couple of hours after she will phone me. I’ve been furiously typing a response before only to be interrupted by her call! What do I do with this?

Have a conversation with her about her anxiety, how it affects your relationship, and how you want her to manage it in the future.

FangsForTheMemory · 31/08/2021 23:04

My mother was like this. It’s a form of control. In my mother’s case it was also about getting attention. In the end I went low contact with her.