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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you deal with this? I’m out of ideas

108 replies

KeysNoMyKeys · 28/08/2021 10:11

Been with DP around 14 months, exclusive from the start. I’m 30s he’s 40. When we met he told me that his work massively impacted his relationships in the past and for that reason things seemed to fizzle out. I have a busy job and early on I didn’t really notice what he meant here. Anyway, as time passed I think I now see the issue.

In essence, he can go a day without contacting me. It’s not like he will ignore me if I’m in touch, but nobody wants to be the person always initiating contact! I find this really frustrating. He will get in touch but ONLY if his work isn’t busy. I don’t buy this to be honest - I’m always busy at work and still find the time to drop a text to someone on my way to loo or when I’m eating a sandwich over lunch. He is able to do this.

Anyway, yesterday was another day where apparently he was unable to text me Hmm we last spoke on Thursday evening, on the phone. We said let’s meet around 4 or 5pm on Saturday (today) and he said he would book a restaurant. It’s around 50 minutes for me to drive to him.

I’ve still heard nothing further from him. I find this bizarre? Usually I would text and ask how his day was or let him know what I’m doing today and confirm that I will drive over late afternoon. But I feel really uncomfortable that we’ve been together this long and he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to send a message? He was a little better at this right at the start but it’s completely gone now.

I feel awkward thinking do I just turn up at 4 or 5 without any contact between now and then?

I am sick of being the person getting in touch and making arrangements - whenever I am in touch or whenever I suggest something he is perfectly happy and interested in it. He’s not seeing anyone else and there’s nothing weird going on like that. If I raise it I will be told that he’s been too busy at work to be in touch. Im so sick of it and don’t know what to do?!

I love him so please don’t throw out comments about leaving him or he’s not that arsed - might be right but at the moment I just want some ideas on how to deal with this. I’m not at the stage of wanting to end it.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeysNoMyKeys · 28/08/2021 10:13

He’s also regularly on WhatsApp as his last seen time is shown. It’s not a case of no access to his phone.

OP posts:
DoubleEx · 28/08/2021 10:18

He did warn you right at the start and you just waved that red flag right on through.

You say you’ve talked to him about it and he’s basically told you this is the way it is and he’s not going to do any differently.

So either you put up with it or you leave. I’m not sure what else anyone can say to you.

SarahBellam · 28/08/2021 10:22

Why do you need to be in touch with him every day? I find that a bit bizarre, to be honest. My DP and I go a day or two without contact sometimes. Both of us have really busy jobs and it’s not something I’ve ever worried about.

Original poster
KeysNoMyKeys · 28/08/2021 10:22

Thanks I guess I just wondered if there’s an approach I haven’t taken @DoubleEx

It’s rubbish as I’ve thought since we met that we had something great together, he would agree and often says the same. I’m just astonished I guess that even after communicating that he makes things hard by being like this, he takes no step to change at all.

I’m not even sure what to do today, just turn up? I’m sick of project managing the relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
KeysNoMyKeys · 28/08/2021 10:23

@SarahBellam I guess it’s because of situations like this, do I turn up today? To me that would be quite an odd thing to do with no contact the last day or so.

OP posts:
DoubleEx · 28/08/2021 10:25

What would happen if you didn’t turn up? Would he eventually get in touch with you? Have you ever stepped back and waited to see? Or are you always the one initiating contact because deep down you know that if you didn’t, this relationship would wither?

It all sounds a bit one-sided. Nothing sexy or attractive about feeling like someone’s lowest priority.

MrsRobbieHart · 28/08/2021 10:26

Well if he hasn’t been in you too let you know the plans you can’t go anywhere. Don’t go. Don’t contact him. Let him contact you from now on. That will show you whether there is an actual relationship or not.

LucyLocketsPocket · 28/08/2021 10:29

Yeah, just let it go and see what happens.

Original poster
KeysNoMyKeys · 28/08/2021 10:30

@DoubleEx he’d be in touch I think. It’s not happened before because I’ve always taken part in arrangements more than he does. I don’t want to play games with him so I’ve always been direct and just got on with it even if I’ve not heard. I just feel utterly shit today.

@MrsRobbieHart I don’t know if he assumes that the plan has been made ie see you Saturday around 4 or 5? I always give him the benefit of the doubt and think well he’s busy and stressed (he is) but there’s zero consideration for me and my work and I’m high up in a horribly stressful position in a law firm so I could easily play that card if I wanted to. I’m starting to resent it I think :(

OP posts:
Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 28/08/2021 10:30

I’d give him the space to contact you. If you feel like you’re doing all the running then give him the space to miss you and make the effort.

Paq · 28/08/2021 10:31

Don't contact him. If he gets in touch after 12 tell him that you have made other plans because you hadn't heard from him.

Sounds like he just wants something casual.

Gemma2019 · 28/08/2021 10:31

This is why he was still single at 40 and I know you probably brushed it off when he warned you about the lack of contact, or thought you would be the one who motivated him to change his ways, but unfortunately you won't. If it was me I wouldn't be bothered about daily contact but the active on WhatsApp and not dropping you a short message is a bit rude.

I know you aren't ready to leave him but I can honestly say that blokes who are this passive about making arrangements only get worse and more annoying as time passes.

Miseryl · 28/08/2021 10:31

Don't contact him and see what happens.

It isn't wrong to want to be in contact every day in a relationship, despite what some posters will say. But neither is it wrong NOT to be.

The important thing is that the level and frequency of communication satisfies both parties in the relationship, so it may be that you are incompatible in that way.

DoubleEx · 28/08/2021 10:33

I don’t want to play games with him so I’ve always been direct and just got on with it even if I’ve not heard

I don’t think it’s ‘playing games’ to give someone the opportunity to treat you decently.

WatieKatie · 28/08/2021 10:35

Has he told you what time to meet OP or do you always go out from his house? Would he assume you’ll just turn up?

I would have a conversation with him face to face and spell out what you want, how it makes you feel etc. See what his response is.

Unfortunately in this case @DoubleEx is right, you either accept it or walk away. He won’t change and warned you from the start.

PepsiHoover · 28/08/2021 10:38

@DoubleEx

He did warn you right at the start and you just waved that red flag right on through.

You say you’ve talked to him about it and he’s basically told you this is the way it is and he’s not going to do any differently.

So either you put up with it or you leave. I’m not sure what else anyone can say to you.

This is exactly what i was going to say.

You don't like the behaviour. He is not going to change his behaviour. You either have to learn to ignore behaviour you don't like, or end the relationship. There aren't really any other options.

sunnydays78 · 28/08/2021 10:39

I wouldn’t contact him. This isn’t game playing, it’s just not being the one putting all the effort in.
I also would be concerned that he’s on what’s app throughout the day but doesn’t have the time to drop you a message! The effort he seems to be putting in doesn’t match yours and that’s an issue.

mamas12 · 28/08/2021 10:40

Leave it until the last minute you need to get ready etc and just send a question mark to him
Then if he comes through you will need to Tell him you will not contact him until he does next week let him do the running for a change

Outbutnotoutout · 28/08/2021 10:41

@Paq

Don't contact him. If he gets in touch after 12 tell him that you have made other plans because you hadn't heard from him.

Sounds like he just wants something casual.

I would do this

Don't be his easy option

Justmuddlingalong · 28/08/2021 10:41

I think the behaviour that caused issues and the ending of his previous relationships is happening again. If he knows it causes issues, but would rather the relationship ends than he changes, then I'm afraid you seem to be onto a hiding to nothing.

legoriakelne · 28/08/2021 10:44

I love him so please don’t throw out comments about leaving him or he’s not that arsed - might be right but at the moment I just want some ideas on how to deal with this.

Look, if you're not ready to face what this means, then fine.

But what you're asking for is advice on how to change another person's behaviour. That is not within your power to achieve and there is no advice we can give. No matter how much you do not wish to hear the answer - telling you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear would be wrong.

It is your choice whether to continue the relationship, but if you do then it needs to be in the understanding that the things that make you miserable will not change and you cannot change them.

It would be grossly unfair to you to give you false hope or encourage you to engage in efforts doomed to fail. The only useful and honest response we can give you is that for your distress to end, this relationship has to end.

Loving someone isn't enough. There are many times throughout our lives where we have to let go of people we love. Sometimes we love the wrong person, sometimes life has to move on.

In this case, there is also the matter of you needing to love yourself.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 28/08/2021 10:44

Step back and see. He may notice and start to put a bit more effort at staying in touch, if he thinks you are pulling back.
If you see him on WhatsApp I’d say it’s likely he has time in his hands during the day, more so than he’s admitting to you.
I agree with poster saying it isn’t playing mind games to expect to be treated well in a relationship. I would feel pissed off too, so you’re not wrong, I’d be expecting a text at some point today, at the very least confirming tonight’s arrangements

Original poster
KeysNoMyKeys · 28/08/2021 10:47

He uses his phone for work and sometimes he’s shown me a work message because it’s irritated him and literally 7 or 8 chats are work based project stuff.

I feel completely unimportant to him and it makes me feel needy. I hate that. If I see him later I feel like I will likely get upset and I don’t know how I can sit through a dinner with him as if everything is ok.

I can’t understand how we can be so close and so happy when together but he can make me feel this terrible and lost and unwanted when apart.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/08/2021 10:49

Have you always available when he does contact you? Are plans made for restaurants etc close to him? Have you been the one doing all the running up until now?

Nogardenersworld · 28/08/2021 10:51

Maybe he assumes you’ll be there - you have the time and location right? What more is there to say

That said, I’d hate this. Especially because he is on WhatsApp. So he has time to text someone. Just not you.