How would you deal with this? I’m out of ideas

[KeysNoMyKeys]

Been with DP around 14 months, exclusive from the start. I’m 30s he’s 40. When we met he told me that his work massively impacted his relationships in the past and for that reason things seemed to fizzle out. I have a busy job and early on I didn’t really notice what he meant here. Anyway, as time passed I think I now see the issue.

In essence, he can go a day without contacting me. It’s not like he will ignore me if I’m in touch, but nobody wants to be the person always initiating contact! I find this really frustrating. He will get in touch but ONLY if his work isn’t busy. I don’t buy this to be honest - I’m always busy at work and still find the time to drop a text to someone on my way to loo or when I’m eating a sandwich over lunch. He is able to do this.

Anyway, yesterday was another day where apparently he was unable to text me we last spoke on Thursday evening, on the phone. We said let’s meet around 4 or 5pm on Saturday (today) and he said he would book a restaurant. It’s around 50 minutes for me to drive to him.

I’ve still heard nothing further from him. I find this bizarre? Usually I would text and ask how his day was or let him know what I’m doing today and confirm that I will drive over late afternoon. But I feel really uncomfortable that we’ve been together this long and he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to send a message? He was a little better at this right at the start but it’s completely gone now.

I feel awkward thinking do I just turn up at 4 or 5 without any contact between now and then?

I am sick of being the person getting in touch and making arrangements - whenever I am in touch or whenever I suggest something he is perfectly happy and interested in it. He’s not seeing anyone else and there’s nothing weird going on like that. If I raise it I will be told that he’s been too busy at work to be in touch. Im so sick of it and don’t know what to do?!

I love him so please don’t throw out comments about leaving him or he’s not that arsed - might be right but at the moment I just want some ideas on how to deal with this. I’m not at the stage of wanting to end it.

It's not about whether she needs to confirm plans or not!

It's about him being on WA all the live long day chatting away merrily on his group chats or whatever, literally saying good morning to other people but not her.

But she hasn't said morning to him either!

My earlier comment about just spending together, when we were first courting it didn't particularly matter if we were going out fir dinner or staying in, we were committed to seeing each other at the weekend and the actual details didn't need to be 100% in place beforehand (beyond arrive at 4-5)

I've said this upthread but there is nothing wrong with wanting daily contact from a partner. I was single by choice for many years before DP and still consider myself very independent- I enjoy time alone and doing things away from the relationship. But I still like to hear from someone daily if I'm in a relationship with them, only takes 5 mins to send a message. The problem is when people have different needs.

@ElspethFlashman

It's not about whether she needs to confirm plans or not!

It's about him being on WA all the live long day chatting away merrily on his group chats or whatever, literally saying good morning to other people but not her.

Bloody bell 😂😂😂

missing the point here but who books dinner at 4 or 5pm?!

What did you end up doing Keys? I think going forward you need to be very clear what your expectations are regarding contact when you are apart. Your feelings are important and he needs to respect those. A guy I dated in the very beginning bombarded me with texts, including good morning and good night texts. Once we slept together texts dropped dramatically and fairly quickly the good morning and good night did too. I told him good mornings and good nights were something I would like as it was important to me. He said he didn’t want to text just for the sake of it, I should have listened to the red flag there. My new partner is not a big texter normally but I made it clear early on that was my expectation. He knows it’s important to me and always says good morning and good night. To me it’s not needy, it’s polite. We don’t live together so it’s a way of being connected.

@doingnothing

missing the point here but who books dinner at 4 or 5pm?!

I think they were meeting at his at 4-5pm and going out to dinner later.

Hope you're doing OK @KeysNoMyKeys