How would you deal with this? I’m out of ideas

[KeysNoMyKeys]

Been with DP around 14 months, exclusive from the start. I’m 30s he’s 40. When we met he told me that his work massively impacted his relationships in the past and for that reason things seemed to fizzle out. I have a busy job and early on I didn’t really notice what he meant here. Anyway, as time passed I think I now see the issue.

In essence, he can go a day without contacting me. It’s not like he will ignore me if I’m in touch, but nobody wants to be the person always initiating contact! I find this really frustrating. He will get in touch but ONLY if his work isn’t busy. I don’t buy this to be honest - I’m always busy at work and still find the time to drop a text to someone on my way to loo or when I’m eating a sandwich over lunch. He is able to do this.

Anyway, yesterday was another day where apparently he was unable to text me we last spoke on Thursday evening, on the phone. We said let’s meet around 4 or 5pm on Saturday (today) and he said he would book a restaurant. It’s around 50 minutes for me to drive to him.

I’ve still heard nothing further from him. I find this bizarre? Usually I would text and ask how his day was or let him know what I’m doing today and confirm that I will drive over late afternoon. But I feel really uncomfortable that we’ve been together this long and he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to send a message? He was a little better at this right at the start but it’s completely gone now.

I feel awkward thinking do I just turn up at 4 or 5 without any contact between now and then?

I am sick of being the person getting in touch and making arrangements - whenever I am in touch or whenever I suggest something he is perfectly happy and interested in it. He’s not seeing anyone else and there’s nothing weird going on like that. If I raise it I will be told that he’s been too busy at work to be in touch. Im so sick of it and don’t know what to do?!

I love him so please don’t throw out comments about leaving him or he’s not that arsed - might be right but at the moment I just want some ideas on how to deal with this. I’m not at the stage of wanting to end it.

I assume he's not working today? If he hasn't messaged you then he is assuming you do all the communication work in the relationship or he simply does not think about you. That is the reality.

In todays modern communication style he will have people he regularly communicates with and you have dropped down his list. If you were a "partner" he would be contacting you by this morning. It's what couples in serious relationships do.

If the plans are vague DON'T drive over there. He needs to confirm what and where with you. If he gets arsey that's on him and a consequence of him failing to be in contact. At that point have the conversation about lack of communication and how it's needs improvement or else dates won't happen. Hopefully he is contrite and changes.

As you say you have a busy job and know there is time to text. Your feelings are valid and if he doesn't listen and make efforts he isn't the man for you.

do I turn up today? To me that would be quite an odd thing to do with no contact the last day or so.

I guess you'd agreed to go to his house at 5pm. You shouldn't really need a confirmation.

But I can see why you'd be reluctant to drive 50 minutes when you're feel he's not bothered.

I'd not go. If he contacted me, I'd say, it all seemed a bit vague so I wasn't sure it was definite and I made other plans.

Why are you travelling uk him? Do you always travel? Does he come down to yours an equal amount?

[quote KeysNoMyKeys]@Onelifeonly I think you’re right. Interestingly (or perhaps not), he is the first person I’ve actually been properly committed to in terms of being consistently proactive. That was because I thought me and him were it. Every other person/relationship I’ve naturally been a bit evasive (not intentionally) or passive about things and I’ve never ever had this problem with a man before. Just goes to show, that old saying has a lot of truth to it.

I think I just wanted something simple where i didn’t need to step back or think about my actions so much. I just wanted to get on with things because I love him and felt sure about him. There’s probably very basic psychology ideas at play there though - even the nicest people will take less on if it’s all being done for them.

I will have to step back generally, doesnt seem any other option. Just not sure how to deal with this specific issue today.[/quote]
Don't turn up today if you don't hear from him at all, if you then get a message asking you where you are, reply saying you hadn't heard from him yesterday or today so didn't know if it was still on, you've now made other plans. See how he reacts to it

Every other person/relationship I’ve naturally been a bit evasive (not intentionally) or passive about things and I’ve never ever had this problem with a man before. ... Just not sure how to deal with this specific issue today.

Your answer is here. Think back to how you'd deal with this situation with your previous boyfriends, and then do that. Do exactly that.

Sometimes you have to treat the ones you really like how you treat the ones you're not bothered about.

You thought it was different this time because you liked him. But it's not.

How did it go?

For the fact this makes you miserable not just this weekend but every weekend I don't think you can carry on.

People have given you good advice here. You can't change him. You've told him it's not working for you. You either accept this or not.

I have dated some really busy men. CEOs with meetings coming out of their ears. They've still managed to briefly text just to say hi etc. I'm not a texter really and don't feel the need to be in constant touch. But it's nice to know they're thinking about you. And I sense that's an issue as you feel invisible until you put in the effort.

You're worth more than that

His last seen on WhatsApp has been throughout the morning. I can’t understand someone who wouldn’t even bother to send a message saying they were looking forward to seeing someone/see you at 4 etc.

I don’t feel in the mood for dinner at all. I feel like shit. How did I get myself into this? I honestly believed we were it and that was that.

If he’s in touch he will likely assume nothing is wrong.

I get that you're upset. But I bet all you're doing now is stewing.

Take action! (Don't contact him. That won't help.) What else could you do tonight? Make plans to do that.

I’d stay at home and see if he contacts you,I couldn’t cope with a person like this. It’s just rude.

Sorry, I’m getting upset now. I know I need to be strong and not let this get to me. It’s difficult.

I get that he can’t text during the work day, I think that’s fair enough. Bit why can’t he text before or after work!

Why on Earth would you not just call and say “not heard from you, what’s the plan later” ?? Why so much drama?

You can reasonably message him to say you're not feeling up to your night out and cancel. Then back away a little and see what happens.

I don't think you're getting what you need out of the relationship OP.

You sound like you want the real deal, commitment, moving things forward eventually, contact every day.

Seems like he wants casual. He may have said with words he wants commitment but his behaviour isn't saying that is it?

I'd lay out what you want from him. If he doesn't want to do that then find someone who will.

I'd also have a think about whether self esteem issues are drawing you to people who don't give 100% to a relationship. (Speaking from experience here!)

[quote KeysNoMyKeys]@SarahBellam I guess it’s because of situations like this, do I turn up today? To me that would be quite an odd thing to do with no contact the last day or so.[/quote]
OP if i were you I would not just turn up for fear of bring disappointed. If he could’t be bothered after 14 months toghther to drop you the odd text during the day or even phone you wen hes finished, hes not worth the effort. I know thats not what you wanted to hear OP.

So he’s on WhatsApp

But not with you

He yold you he’d treat you like an appliance and that’s what he’s doing

You have chosen to allow this and this is why you’re feeling so crap about it all, because it IS a shit way to treat someone

So he hasn’t confirmed? Don’t go.

If he texts you to ask where you were you tell him that you’d made plans, he’s not confirmed them, so you’ve assumed he’s busy doing something else so you’ve agreed to go out with a friend instead.

Show him you’re not going to hang about on the off chance he can lower himself to contact you.

Don’t get upset, be very matter of fact, no accusations but show him his indifference means he loses out.

I suspect he’s getting a buzz from this

If he doesn’t follow up on the fact you’ve not turned up, you’ve got all the information you need.

@IfIHadAHeart

Why on Earth would you not just call and say “not heard from you, what’s the plan later” ?? Why so much drama?

Because she’s done this for 14m and he’s not showing any commitment or interest towards her.

I completely understand and sadly have been in similar positions to you. It's awful. I used to look forward to seeing dp but would have doubts due to arrangements not being confirmed. Instead of asking outright or making other plans, I'd wait until he finally got in touch and then drop everything/put myself out to go over to see him.

It's awful for so many reasons. I made excuses for his lack of contact and commitment - he's a company ceo, he's tired etc. No, he was just a selfish twat.

People who really want to spend time with you let you know. You can be in charge of the hundreds of staff, be really busy but still send a text or call whilst walking from one meeting to another. Look at the people we consider to lead busy work lives/hold important positions ie MPs they find time!

I think If you are going to stop being pro-active I would tell him first. He's in the zone where you make all the contact and he probably doesn't realise (or has conveniently forgotten) it's still making you unhappy. If you stop contact now won't he wonder why? If you think he's a keeper give him the heads up. THEN if he reverts or is unable to make the effort, decide if it's worth it. For myself, every day contact isn't necessary and so wouldn't think to make a call but quite happy to chat if the other person starts it. If I don't hear from the other person I assume they are busy and will hear from them at some point. I might call myself if we have no fixed date or I've actually got something to tell them.

I think text and say:

‘So I didn’t hear from you yesterday. I haven’t heard from you today. I can see you’ve been on WhatsApp all morning. It’s making me feel like shit and I’m tired of it, instead of looking forward to a lovely meal and time with you, I’m near tears because I feel unimportant. I would love to hear your thoughts on how that could be improved.’

You're probably feeling shit because it feels like all the effort you've put in over the past 14 months has been wasted. It hasn't. What would be a waste of your time would be to continue as things stand. 💐

I’m really sorry you feel down about this- but he either isn’t massively bothered, or you have made yourself far too available and have done the lion’s share of date planning and organising and he has just left this to you.

You have emotionally invested yourself into someone who isn’t matching the energy. He isn’t your D ‘Partner’- you don’t have a shared life and he can’t even keep in touch throughout the day. He’s your boyfriend. He’s told you stuff about his family- but have you met his family? It’s been well over a year. Have you discussed moving in together? This should have happened by this point, especially at your ages. He’s made the right noises and said the right things about settling down, but his actions do not suggest that he wants to do these things with you. Future faking is easy. Words are easy.

I’m not trying to kick you whilst you’re down- I know it feels shit, but really go over this relationship with a critical eye. Ignore the sunk costs of 14 months- what movements has he actually made to you committing to a shared life together, as actual partners?

As other posters said, take a step back and see what his next move is. I really feel for you. However clearly this isn't working now for you if this upsets you a lot, and it will be highly likely getting worse once you are more in an established relationship. Maybe he is who he is and you need to love yourself more.

But for practical advice- do not send any desperate texts about how you need to take turns and he needs to initiate contact.

I wouldn’t show up this afternoon if I were you. You didn’t hear from him so you made other plans.

Put the ball in his court. I honestly don’t think it’s worth it, but the only way you can salvage this situation is by taking a step back and seeing what he does.

Match energy with energy. At the moment he is giving you 0.