How would you deal with this? I’m out of ideas

[KeysNoMyKeys]

Been with DP around 14 months, exclusive from the start. I’m 30s he’s 40. When we met he told me that his work massively impacted his relationships in the past and for that reason things seemed to fizzle out. I have a busy job and early on I didn’t really notice what he meant here. Anyway, as time passed I think I now see the issue.

In essence, he can go a day without contacting me. It’s not like he will ignore me if I’m in touch, but nobody wants to be the person always initiating contact! I find this really frustrating. He will get in touch but ONLY if his work isn’t busy. I don’t buy this to be honest - I’m always busy at work and still find the time to drop a text to someone on my way to loo or when I’m eating a sandwich over lunch. He is able to do this.

Anyway, yesterday was another day where apparently he was unable to text me we last spoke on Thursday evening, on the phone. We said let’s meet around 4 or 5pm on Saturday (today) and he said he would book a restaurant. It’s around 50 minutes for me to drive to him.

I’ve still heard nothing further from him. I find this bizarre? Usually I would text and ask how his day was or let him know what I’m doing today and confirm that I will drive over late afternoon. But I feel really uncomfortable that we’ve been together this long and he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to send a message? He was a little better at this right at the start but it’s completely gone now.

I feel awkward thinking do I just turn up at 4 or 5 without any contact between now and then?

I am sick of being the person getting in touch and making arrangements - whenever I am in touch or whenever I suggest something he is perfectly happy and interested in it. He’s not seeing anyone else and there’s nothing weird going on like that. If I raise it I will be told that he’s been too busy at work to be in touch. Im so sick of it and don’t know what to do?!

I love him so please don’t throw out comments about leaving him or he’s not that arsed - might be right but at the moment I just want some ideas on how to deal with this. I’m not at the stage of wanting to end it.

Stop driving to him. Let him come to you.

Ultimately he's doing you a favor by showing you how he really feels about you sooner rather than later when he's wasted even more of your time. Stop wasting your time on someone who doesn't see a future with you. Have the self respect to dump and say next!

You accept him as he is, or you move on.
He’s not going to change.

I would go round between 4 and 5pm as arranged. Sometime this evening tell him you don't enjoy being the one who instigates all contact and you have a solution. The solution is to take it in turns to suggest dates and initiate contact. Take it from there.

If this results in him being more active great and if not then you can either try to change him by telling him it's a red line for you or accept that this is how he is.

My DH is very uncommunicative. On the rare time he's away he doesn't get in touch. I've chosen to put up with it, for various reasons, and now I'm used to it I don't really mind- especially now he's working from home. But obviously it's different when you don't live together.

Does he do his fair share of seeing you in your hometown or is it usually you who goes to his? If it's the latter then it sounds like he's generally selfish with his time.

Sorry x posted.

Your last message is really upsetting. Your question is really “what can I do to change him/this situation?” As you are looking for ideas.
The answer is you can’t it’s something he needs to change and if you’re the one running around putting all the effort in and arranging everything, then he’s not going to change.
I’d take a giant step back and when he asks what the problem is I’d tell him how he makes you feel unimportant.
The thing is op if he was as into you as you seem to be to him, none of this would be an issue. Perhaps you’re just not right for each other x

I would text him, “since I haven’t heard from you I’m guessing you’re not around so I’ve arranged to go out elsewhere instead.”

At the end of the day, your relationship is only working for him because you’re doing all the running. He needs to realise that if he behaves as if you’re not important to him then you’ll take him at his word so to speak and will then act as if he doesn’t care.

Thanks for the posts. I just feel really down about it all. I thought I’d met someone it would go the distance with. I treat him kindly always. I’m understanding and caring. We have a laugh together, he’s told me things about his family and we are close when together.

It’s not like he’s not receptive to things I suggest, he will spend days after a day out together saying how much he loved it. He always answers when I call or will message immediately to say he will call back at x time. He’s not really a rude man, he’s just shit at communication and any sort of organisation outside of work.

I’m just astonished that he’s not bothered to be in touch this morning.

If he’s good in every other way, just accept him as he is.

Sorry, but he's not that into you. You will do as a date for now, but you aren't worth pursuing for him. You could do this unhappily for years and he'd be fine as he has the contact he wants. If he wanted more he would arrange more as he would miss you.

Tbh I see telling someone that previous relationships haven’t worked because he doesn’t communicate etc as a warning that he’s going to treat you like shit and that if you’re with him then he told you what he was like, so it’s up to you to accept it not up to him to change. Iyswim?

@KeysNoMyKeys

He’s also regularly on WhatsApp as his last seen time is shown. It’s not a case of no access to his phone.

This is the issue. He is able to give the 3 seconds of time it takes to send messages to the people that he wants to.

I'd not contact him today, just see what happens. If you hear nothing from him then don't go to his house. You need to make yourself less available to him from now on, if he doesn't bother pursuing you then atleast you know how he really feels about the relationship. I know its not a nice place to be in though op

I must be either hopelessly old fashioned or very self sufficient. I cannot understand this NEED couples have of constantly calling and texting one another! You agree to meet on xx day and then thats it. Why keep getting in contact unless plans change or need to be revised? Or there is some unexpected and really important news? Am I missing something here about the way in which mature adults communicate?

I regularly don't text DH during the working day and didn't when I was working away in a really busy job, but there's no excuse for not sending a quick message before bed just to say work has been hectic looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, or similar. He's rude. I have low tolerance for rudeness. He also thinks because he said at the start this is the way things have been that gives him a free pass to pick you up and put you down when he feels like it with an ongoing excuse.

Another vote for no following him up today, just to see what happens.
It’s hurtful - and thoughtless.

I dunno. My DP can be like this - he'd be of the opinion that plans for today have been made so there's no need for any further communication on the matter. And as for not messaging for one day, again, not unusual for us.

But if you're unhappy then end things. He won't change.

@simitra but they don't have concrete plans just vague ones, it would've taken a few seconds just to confirm are we meeting at x at 4 or 5? For example. I don't text my husband constantly I find that neediness annoying and ended by relationships with partners when I was younger because of the while text, no reply, twenty minutes later 'after you there?/after you ok?' yes clingy I'm busy! This guy however has put in place the perfect excuse to only context op when it suits him. It's rude not to confirm vague plans and to always expect the other person to instigate contact.

Urgh god I feel so shit. I’ve had a busy week and wanted to feel positive today about a nice evening with my partner. He makes it impossible.

I really do love him and didn’t want to end this lightly but it’s making my weekends a bit miserable as this happens so often. It’s the first time he’s not been in touch on the day though after a day of silence.

I did think when I met him that it was odd he hasn’t had a real relationship but just figured he was in deep with his career. He assured me he was keen to settle down and now he was at this age it was a priority to find the right person. Then I think oh this is good, we click and have fallen in love and he wants the same things as me.

I feel a bit embarrassed by it all actually. Even getting ready to go out which I would usually enjoy.

So many typos....

Me not you!

'Treat them mean, keep them keen' . It's crude but your only option here to see if you can get through to him / find out how much he is bothered (or not).

You've been doing all the work on keeping the relationship going, so he doesn't have to. So stop and see what happens. It may well not work out for you, but it's worth a try.

Personally I think any power imbalance in a relationship means the relationship won't work well for both. One person has it all their way and the other is kept wrong footed and anxious. I've been the one with the power and that didn't work for me either - someone desperately blaming themselves or being too eager to please isn't any more attractive to me than someone who has it all on their terms.

Wait for him to confirm / arrange your next meeting. Be prepared that he may not. But play it cool.

Oh just plan to do something else today if he can't be arsed to get in touch. If he was bothered, he'd have messaged you. Go live your life. Time waits for no man.

@Onelifeonly I think you’re right. Interestingly (or perhaps not), he is the first person I’ve actually been properly committed to in terms of being consistently proactive. That was because I thought me and him were it. Every other person/relationship I’ve naturally been a bit evasive (not intentionally) or passive about things and I’ve never ever had this problem with a man before. Just goes to show, that old saying has a lot of truth to it.

I think I just wanted something simple where i didn’t need to step back or think about my actions so much. I just wanted to get on with things because I love him and felt sure about him. There’s probably very basic psychology ideas at play there though - even the nicest people will take less on if it’s all being done for them.

I will have to step back generally, doesnt seem any other option. Just not sure how to deal with this specific issue today.

Ya got time to shit, ya got time to text. Most men are on their phones in the loo. He's being lazy not contacting you.

I personally would not do anything. I’m rarely convinced when people play the busy card. I work full time, doing some part time study and about to move house. Yesterday l still managed to message some friend to confirm our plans for tonight